Confidence

I have confidence in spring time.
I have confidence in rain.
I have confidence that spring will come again.
After which you'll see,
I have confidence in me.

Julie Andrews
Confidence
Sound of Music

I see that there are no takers on my sisters blog - Superstar in Training. She tried to give me away in her posting - Brother For Sale. There were only three comments - two from me, and none an impending proposal of marriage. But that's okay. I get it now. I understand the joke.

Nobody likes to realize that they've completely missed out on something. The second we discover that we have been oblivious to the obvious, we smack our heads and do our best Homer impersonation, "Doh!" Everyone else has been trying to point it out to us for days, weeks, months, or years. And then, one moment, the veil lifts and suddenly we see what has been clear to everyone else for a long time.

For me, this moment of grace occured the other night. I was popping pills in my bathroom at night and I happened to catch a sight of myself in the mirror. For the splittiest of seconds, I saw myself as others see me. It wasn't disgust that welled up in me, but pity - as in poor guy, what the hell happened to him? Yes, I'd gone to pot. I'd fallen by the wayside. I'd made myself unattractive. And not in a let's change the outfit kind of way, but in a full body disfigurement kind of way. It couldn't have been more obvious had I stretched my lip out of proportion with giant plates.

You would think that such a vision might crush whatever confidence I had in myself. Or you might think that it was exactly my lack of confidence that allowed me to see my body in such a low self-esteem kind of way. But the irony was, at that moment, I realized that I was better than this.

Nobody likes change. Nobody likes to go off into the unknown, or the known, with the expectation of difficult challenges ahead. For some reason we think that if we let the challenges come to us instead they will be easier to conquer. We let our health go. We push our bodies and our sanity to the limits because we're comfortable. We may sense that something is amiss. We may sense that things are wrong and need to be fixed, but we don't want to change anything. We like it where we are.

Over the years I've discovered some things about change. People recognize the need for change long before they do anything about it. First, they come to the realization that things need doing. Then they figure out a plan to change. Then they wait for just the right time to change. Then they find excuses for not changing. Then they wait some more. Then they threaten to change, again, and again, and again. Finally, something happens to move them off that rock where they've grown accustomed and forces them to seek change.

I can see the changes I need to make. I've seen them for years and I've ignored them. I've wanted to change for a long time. But to change, you have to more than just want it. You have to be dedicated to it. You have to have confidence that you can succeed.

I've had two fantasies in my life and they both seem mutually exclusive. One, to publish a novel. Two, to get married. Fantasies is all that they've ever been. I'm closer to making one of them come true now. I'm no closer to making the other one come true, but now I'm determined to try.

The thing about determination is that it must co-exist with confidence. There can not be one without the other. When I looked in that mirror, it didn't destroy my confidence, it fueled it - because it showed me that my body was rubbish, but that my spirit was still intact. I grew angry with myself for my foolishness and became determined to change. I knew that I had no confidence in the way I looked, because there was nothing to have confidence in. But that didn't matter because I still had confidence in myself. I still have confidence in my ability to turn it all around and to make myself something that even I can admire.

I am now determined to lose my bet with Andy, with all your help. I have confidence that God is watching me and is guiding me. I have seen the light. Now is not the time to consider change; now is the time to do it.