Footprints in the Sand Two - Electric Boogaloo

And the man asked, "Lord, why is it that at the top of these sand dunes there are two sets of footprints, but in the valleys there are only one?"

And Jesus replied, "Because when we went across the peaks, I walked with you, but when we were in the valleys, I carried you."

After a profound silence filled with gratitude and awe, the man looked around at all the sand and said, "By the way, where the heck are we?"

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When, after a certain point in his life, St. Augustine looked back, he could clearly see the pattern that God had laid out in his life and he knew that God had directed his path.

Then St. Augustine looked to the future and realized that he still had no idea where God was leading him.

________________________________________________________________________________________

I am lost. Not in the profound sense of someone who is terrified and alone. No, I am lost in the Lord. I am standing on a giant sand dune, looking back at the wonderful path God has given me. I have strayed from time to time, but God has always dragged me back on course, with the occassional kick to the head for good measure. And here I am. I can clearly see the path I've taken. But when I turn around and look ahead, I have no idea where I'm going.

Today, I enrolled in college. Again. For the first time in ten years. I always knew that someday I would go back, but I didn't see this coming from 100 miles away. But God knew and I followed God.

Here now are the mile markers that lead to this event.

I left Century Theatres in 2000 and decided to find a nice quiet job. I ended up here at Yasutomo. This move gave me weekends and evenings free. I quickly surmised that I had the time to return to an active church life. I rejoined the choir and started reattending church on Sundays. Shortly thereafter, the youth assistant left to join the seminary. Seeing the youth pastor struggle, I volunteered to help out from time to time.

A year or so passed and I started to work on my novel. Just as I was really getting into it, I changed course abruptly in order to finish my website. The website took a few months to complete and was exhausting work. Literally the day I finished it, with every intent to return to work on my novel, one of the youth in my church asked if I'd be interested in becoming Stage Manager at a local theater. I got one of those tingly spider-sense kind of things and took the job.

My friendship grew with the youth and with other actors and directors. The play ended about three months later and I threw myself into the novel full time for the next 3 years or so. In the meantime, I had cultivated some serious friendships. We continued to hang out and do youth type things. When the youth pastor abruptly left my church, I took over as the youth leader. My friendship with the youths helped to ease the transition.

Cut to: This summer, after finishing the latest draft of the novel, I was wondering what to do next. My youth friends (having just completed their first year of college) walked up to me and said, "Will, we want to make a film this summer." I think my jaw must have dropped. "Okay," was my response. Over Columbus Day Weekend, we shot for two days the five minute pilot I had written years before but had never had a chance to film for lack of actors.

When I was done filming, I looked at the footage and something remarkable occurred to me. I really suck at film making. And then the whole spidey sense thing kicked in again and I just knew that it was time to go back to school to become a film maker.

I left high school wanting to be a film maker and gave up because I wasn't ready. I left the Navy to become a film maker and gave up because I wasn't ready. Now, here, fourteen years after my last attempt, I am finally returning to film school. Each step along the way can be clearly seen and chronicled by me. I know where I walked side by side with Jesus and I know where He carried me. But when I turn around and look ahead, there are no footprints before me. I have no idea where I'm going or why I'm going there.

I may be lost, but I have the ultimate navigator with me. I will fear no evil, for He is with me.

The Beginning

The Lord works in mysterious ways, but I've never had so direct an answer to prayer as I did this weekend.

On Saturday night, I prayed to God about my youth group, asking for His guidance in making this Advent season relevant to the youth of my church. In the midst of my prayer, I had a sudden thought. "Why do we celebrate Christmas?"

Beyond the usual notions of Christmas and its commercial driven reasons, the murkiness of the nativity and its relevance to the Christian religion is probably lost on most Christians. It is not readily accessible as a powerful religious allegory that is somehow directly related to our everyday lives. None of us are likely to experience virgin birth, nor wisemen at our door, nor stars to follow, nor angels appearing to announce a birth, nor choirs of angels, etc... So what is the relevance to us? Why do we celebrate Christ's birth every year in a way that we do not celebrate anyone else's birth? Is is just because He was God? Shouldn't we just sing Him Happy Birthday and pass out some birthday cake then?

All of these ideas flashed through my head in a blur and a moment and it got me to ponder the whole advent season. I knew immediately, of course, that I had to use this idea to explore the notion of the nativity with the youth group this season. Not as a straight forward explanation - this is what the Bible says - but as a question of why the nativity is relevant to you and to the world.

Then, lest I forget the prayer of the night before, on Sunday I was sitting in my church library and I found a very dated book about The Gospel According to Thomas. This gnostic publication found in Egypt in the 40's had been translated as a loggia of Jesus's sayings purportedly quoted by the apostle Thomas. I skipped the intro and went straight to the words themselves and found a quote that really struck me... (and I'm paraphrasing here).

"Why do you ask me about the end, but not about the beginning? Truly I say to you, if you want to understand the end, you must first understand the beginning."

This quote has not left my mind since because whether spoken by Jesus or not, it is deeply profound. It also reminded me of my idea and my obligation to the youth.

So I've already decided to fill in my youth with the background of the nativity next week, but what I'd really like from you all is an answer to the question, "Why is the nativity relevant to you and to the world?" I don't have a definitive answer yet, myself. I must contemplate the question for a while before I hope to even venture a profound guess. But, perhaps, this is something you have pondered already or have read from the likes of C.S. Lewis or others. So, let me hear it.

I look forward to your posts or responses.

Has Penis Lost Its Punch?

Everyday I receive at least ten emails with subject lines that read, "Improve Penis Power!" or some such. Just now I received one of these e-mails and it suddenly occurred to me - I wasn't fazed by it at all.

I don't consider myself a prude or anything, but there was a time when the word Penis or Breasts or, as Monty Python called them, other Naughty Bits, would embarass me just to read them or say them. Its not that I was uncomfortable with the subject matter so much as the fact that I was raised to not use these words in public company. These were words best used by doctors and... ahem... others. Definitely not for casual consumption. (I meant the words, not the object... you perverts!)

But now with these words floating around the Internet and spamverse like flotsam and jetsom after a storm, you can't swing a dead cat without running into breast enlargements, penis enhancements, cheaper viagara, and speed disguised as weight loss drugs. These once giggle inducing words have been reduced to the common.

In language this is called marking language. Certain words are marked as taboo. You know what those words are. Eventually, through time, marked words become unmarked. They enter the mainstream through a combination of use and replacement.

Fifty years ago, I imagine that most people didn't know what an abortion was, let alone talk about it every two to four years as if it was a common every day thing. Now, of course, it is part of our national discourse at election time. So, too, must we expect the idea that someday people will be talking about penis enhancements like tattoo's. "Yeah, Bob, check out my extra four inches." "That's really great. Where'd you get it done?" "Wal-mart. They were having a special."

Perhaps this is why human beings are constantly feeling like the end of the world is near. When things that we grew up with as being taboo find themselves in the mainstream of thought, how can we not feel that the world has changed irrevocably for the worst?

So, this Thanksgiving, I am most thankful for these last few moments of innocense in my life. I like my breasts, penis, and other naughty bits just the way they are, thank you, and I really don't feel the need to change, or discuss it. Some things just ought to remain unspoken.

But certainly not un-blogged about... ;)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Walking With My Eyes Closed

Sometimes I like to close my eyes while I'm walking and just listen to the sounds of the Earth around me. Typically its the sound of cars, trucks, and other forms of transportation whizzing by. I imagine the people inside with their faces pressed against the glass watching the world go by them in a blur. I can hear my feet tapping along the sidewalk. In spring, it is the sounds of the birds in the trees and the wind gently rolling across the urban grass.

I have to open my eyes occassionally, though, before I walk into someone or something. While my eyes are closed and I am picturing the world around me, I am usually content that a dead body won't suddenly spring up in my path to trip me up. I have walked the path many times before and I have faith in my ability to hear something approaching. The longer my eyes are closed, however, the more that faith is tested. I can not walk very far on faith alone. I need to see where I am going.

Yet, if I were completely blind, I would not have any choice but to walk with my eyes closed. At first, it would be terrifying. And then, likely, it would be extremely depressing - not being able to do that which I had taken for granted for so long. But eventually my other senses would adjust and my faith in my abilities would grow with it. Before long, I would be able to "see" in many different ways that I had not seen before. My faith would grow strong then and I would be able to walk confidently with my eyes closed.

Just one more...

It is the essence of our sinful nature - three little words, "Just One More". We are never satisfied with what we have. If we are in the dirt, completely desolate, we look up and hope for a mere pittance - survival, health, something to stay alive. We get it and we praise God and rejoice and then say, "And now, would it be too much to ask for something else... just a little more, please?"

There is no limit to this acquisitiveness. We could be the high rulers of the entire Earth with dominion over all living things... and we'd still want something else. It is never enough to stop and say, "You know... I've got enough now. I'll stop. Maybe even give some of this stuff away. I haven't read this book in years. I barely watch TV anymore. This extra computer is just gathering dust. I haven't worn these clothes in ages - heck, I've never worn that outfit."

Christmas season is around the corner. Here we are trying to determine the best gifts for everyone. PlayStation 3's or DVD Players or books or music, some token to show that we love someone. It costs us money and effort to secure these gifts. And then on the big day itself, we rush around in a hurry to get everything done, to check off everything on our Christmas checklist - because we can't miss a thing. We can't be deficient in any way come the holidays. We must have it all... and just a little bit more besides.

Sometimes, I just want it to stop. I want to step away from the human condition for just a few hours. I want to go sit under a tree and contemplate my navel while the birds sing to the glory of God because their unencumbered lives are filled with worms and soaring and song. I just get the feeling we're all making it hard on ourselves. But I can't get away from it all. The wheel is spinning too fast and if I jump off someone is likely to get hurt - maybe even me.

Andy writes today, brilliantly, about it never being too much to do things for God. But, sometimes, I wonder. Does He really want this life for us? Does He really want us to be constantly taking on even more burdens so that we become swallowed by them? How many times did Jesus rest? How many times did He just walk away from the crowds and let the birds sing to Him? There is more to following Jesus than work. There is following Jesus in rest. Sometimes we must listen to our heads, as well as our hearts, and lay down our weary load so that others can take them up.

Ocassionally, we must say, "No thanks, I've had enough."

Entirely A Work Of Fiction...

No matter what you read, unfortunately, the following is a work of fiction...

How I Would Handle This, If I Could Handle It Correctly
By
Will Robison

"They're going to do what?" I would exclaim with exasperation. "You're kidding me, right? No. Well, I've got to handle this before it gets out of control."

I would squinch my face really tight, concentrate, and...

Startling several high powered execs in ruffled suits, I would magically appear in front of the Fox Boardroom.

"How did you get in here?" they would ask.

"During times of crisis, humans can evolve special skills necessary to solve problems," I would say.

"What do you want?" they would ask, as they called for security.

I would squinch my face again and stop time. Then I would walk around the table to each of the execs and smack them upside the head as hard as I can. Then I would go to the board and write six words... "Stop the O.J., Save the World!"

When I restarted time, they would find the words written on the board and I would be missing. But where would I have gone?

Appearing in the headquarters of Reaganbooks Publishing, I would seek out the Publisher responsible for this fiasco. After smacking her around, I would write the same words on her board, then find the galleys of this book and burn it.

Then, it would be off to Rockingham, or some golf course somewhere. I would find the devil in this matter. I would talk to him, tell him that he was an idiot, and then get him to confess to the crime in some way that didn't allow him to make money on the deal. After getting the confession, the devil would find himself teleported to a small desert island where he could harm no one else and where he could hunt or be hunted by polar bears all day long.

My work done, I would transport myself back to my office, and blog about it.

But, of course, I can't do any of these things. All I can do is not watch, not read, and not pay any attention to Mr. O.J. Simpson.

Stop the O.J., Save The World!

In Full Measure

I just wanted to let everyone get up to date with news of the Novel. First of all, I decided to split my incredibly long book into three novels (more money for me! ;) so that I could make the saga even longer. Second of all, the name of the first novel will be, "In Full Measure". Third of all, I have started the rewriting necessary to convert the first act of one novel into a stand alone novel. I am one chapter done and have synopsized the second act. Those of you who have read the first ten chapters will notice some minor changes. Those changes will pay off at the end of the first act.

I didn't do this to delay the completion of the novel. I did this for two reasons that sort of hit me simultaneously. In chronological order... Even before I started sending out queries to agents I knew that there was a good possibility that the novel would be unsellable in its original condition (1100 pages is almost unheard of from an established writer, let alone a complete novice). In my mind, I made contingency plans figuring out where to divide the story in half, if I had to. It occurred to me, in passing, that if I were to convert it into three stories, I would have to put a lot of extra work into it - but that I'd have some room to add some things that I deemed too much for the original story.

However, as I reached Chapter 22 of the final tweaking, I ran smack dab into a wall. The chapter didn't read right to me and it was a pivotal chapter in the entire book. As I tried to backtrack to determine how to fix this one chapter, I became more and more disenchanted with the book. It was missing a certain drive, a certain coolness factor that I had in my head. I had gutted the story to make it fit 1100 pages, and in the process, I had taken out all the stuff that made the story cool - in favor of stuff that made the story deep. I realized with something akin to horror that the only way to fix the story would be to make some small, but lengthy changes, to the story.

I cooled my heels for two months, hoping that things would fix themselves. In those two months, I got four rejection letters from agents. While that wasn't an avalanche of negativity, I had thought that I might at least get something other than a form letter after two or three queries. The rejection didn't make me think the whole novel was doomed... but it pushed me to reconsider the parts I had previously left out.

In the end, I knew I had to make the changes. The first act had the fewest changes to make, but the changes would resolve some of the longest problems I've had with the book (problems I never addressed during any version of the story). By having so few changes to make, I hope to finish the novel (again) quickly and get it back out to agents before spring. This time, I have a feeling I'll make a lot more headway.

I'll still get my paycheck for Novel #1 - its just taking a little longer than I thought. The end result is that I'm extremely happy with the changes being made and I think the first act, and first novel, will be much better because of it.

Besides, I think the title is much better than The Thin Line. ;)

Survival of the Fittest

In a recent post about Battlestar Galactica I posed the question about whether we deserved to survive. I've been giving the question much thought lately. But apparently, I'm not the only one. There is a movement afoot by atheists and others questioning the relevancy of not just Christianity, but religion in general. They question whether religion has become a hindrance to further human development. They suggest that perhaps we are holding the human race back with our ancient ways and our redundant beliefs in things that obviously don't exist. Rather than make me angry, this talk has spurred me to question my faith, to question my beliefs, and to wonder if perhaps, they aren't right.

The latest call for the relevancy of religion comes from Sir Elton John himself. While I enjoy his music, I wouldn't say that I turn to him for advice - spiritual or otherwise. But his argument is valid in this current world. Religion seems to be spreading intolerance and hatred, not peace and love. Perhaps we've outlived our usefulness.

With a great deal of humility we must bow our heads and try to see the situation from his perspective. As an avowed homosexual musician, he has surely had his run ins with the religious right of this world. They have no doubt told him that he is damned, that he is evil, and that he is going to hell. They have probably suggested terrible punishments to be delivered to him and have met him with scorn and derision wherever he's gone. If this was the way religious people treated me, I'm fairly certain I would see his point all the way and there would be very little that might disuade me from that opinion.

With an even greater humility, we must admit that he is right. Christians have become murders, rapists, child molesters, thieves, cheats, genocidal leaders, and greedy money hoarding capitalists. We have become the worst sinners. We ought to be damned into irrelevancy. We ought to be destroyed.

But we're not.

And that's my counter argument to the position owned by a growing minority. We are all the terrible things you tell us that we are. We have done all of the things you claim. We have been evil. We have been wicked. We have hurt. We have destroyed. But we are saved despite these things. We are saved because no matter how flawed we are or become, we try to emulate the love and the peace of Jesus Christ, the son of God. We are saved because we hope to be better than we are. We hope to heal, to feed, to clothe, to house. We are saved because we have hope that we will become something that we are not.

If you divide the world into two groups, Christians and the rest, you will discover that both groups have the exact same characteristics. But whereas we hope to be saved through our faith and our actions, they do not have any hope.

Our hope is what sets us apart. Our hope is what keeps us relevant. We deserve to survive precisely because if we disappear, humanity loses all hope.

What I would do now...

We finally won. The country finally came to its senses. And now, here is what I would do next...

Pray.

Lots and lots of prayer. Its time to find out what together we can do for the brotherhood of man. Its time to find out what real plan God has in store for this nation and its people. Its time for quiet discernment on the toughest issues of the day.

I'm not talking political prayer - where one side claims to know what God is thinking. I'm not talking about in your face prayer, "Dear God, thank you for giving us a clear mandate for change and now here's how we're going to run things without anyone else's help." I'm talking about quiet, all-inclusive, bipartisan, heck - non-partisan, heartfelt, deeply yearning prayer.

Call in all the politicians - Democrats, Republicans, Independents - from the highest post in the land to the lowest, add the Judicial branch as well, and the civilian heads of the various departments, and put them in a room together and pray.

Pray for guidance. Pray for deliverance. Pray for thanksgiving. Pray for the world. And let God answer their prayers. Let Him guide them and deliver them. Let Him be thanked and hear concerns. And let us become a force for His good in the world. Let us be a Christian nation in deed as well as word.

We can only survive together if our prayers are the same.

Encouraging bad behavior...

No matter how you voted today, you encouraged bad behavior. Both sides in this election should be sent to their rooms without supper. They were both extremely naughty. No political trick and gimmick was left unused. No negative thing left unsaid. No speech left unexploited. This was American politics at its ugliest.

I may not have the depth of others when it comes to my time at the voting booth. I know others have had more election experience than I have and so, perhaps, there have been dirtier and more confusing elections held before. But this election was the most costliest and had the most media saturation of any election ever - until the next one.

Both sides will tell you that they are only doing this because this is what it takes to win. Well, to be honest, I stopped listening, reading, discussing, and watching politics several weeks ago. My mind was made up a long time before and in some cases, further ads only served to strengthen my opinion or sway me over to the side opposite the one they were trying to cajole me into joining. It got to the point that I ended up voting for some people simply because I liked the sound of their name.

Now, I'm in 100% agreement with the Supreme Court that election materials and advertising is a protected form of speech, and in fact, one of the most important forms of protected speech. But there has to be some sort of restraint involved. We've had wildly inaccurate claims from both sides, innuendo disguised as political fact, and outrageous connections that villify opponents and connote them as terrorists or traitors or both. Conspiracy theories abound. Voters no longer trust the sanctity of the voting booth. Surely the clear and present danger clause of Free Speech covers this.

The whole point of a democratic process is that an INFORMED public goes and votes their mind in a free way to determine the best outcome by a majority of all citizens. If we allow the removal of the Informed process, then our voting is a waste of time. At that point, we are merely voting for the candidate or party or political apparatus that lies the best. That is not only not in the best interest of our nation, it is dangerous to our democracy. We are then voting for rhetoric and not for fact.

We need to change our election process. We need to reward those who speak the truth and keep us informed. We need to embrace those who bring us together with their words and not drive us apart with their politics. We are a mighty nation. We are a good nation. And we have a good system of government. We should all do everything in our power to protect it from all enemies, foreign and domestic, who would seek to subvert it.

Its two years to the Presidential election. We need to move quickly if we are going to avoid another election like this one.

Go Tell It...

First the facts and statistics:
Mt. San Bruno - Summit Trail - 3.1 miles - 725 Feet Elevation Climb - Terrain: Narrow trails through overgrown trees and bushes and rocky paths, 1.5 miles downhill and flat, 1.5 miles uphill - Time to complete: 1 hour 40 minutes.

On Saturday morning, I made my first solo hike in years, my first hike of any sort in at least 9 months, and my first summit in years. I chose Mt. San Bruno not only because its in my backyard, but because it was a relatively short hike. I wasn't as limber as I want to be, but it wasn't nearly as hard as it could have been. I kept a relatively steady pace up the side of the mountain, but stopped frequently to rest my weary legs. My knees and calves held up quite nicely. As this was an exhibition hike and outside of my usual hiking season, I carried the bare minimum - and that didn't include water (mostly because I forgot it in my truck). That means, no pictures. Most of the hiking time was spent getting up the hill. I've never been good with hills - even when I was in fabulous shape in high school.

As I walked along one of the ridge spines towards the summit, some thoughts occurred to me in the form of a prayer.

Lord, you ask us to climb a mountain.
You do not tell us why, but you say it is important.
From the bottom, we look up and can not see the top
because it is shrouded in clouds. Our hearts tremble.
How can we reach the summit? It seems impossible.
But we take a step forward, and then another, and then another.
After what seems a long struggle, we stop and look back
at all that we have accomplished. We can see so much. We have come a long ways.
But then, out of the corner of our eye, we see the mountain
still rising above us - still shrouded in the clouds.
It seems as if we will never reach the top. It seems as if we will
climb forever. But we continue to climb, one step in front of the other,
slowly but deliberately. Each step takes us higher and closer to the top.
Eventually, we will reach the summit, Lord. Eventually, we will do what you wish.
But it has not been easy, and the worst is yet to come as our strength fails us
and our will wavers. We can not summit without you, Lord. It is not possible.
Help us to climb, Oh Lord. Help us to reach the top.
Amen.

The top of Mt. San Bruno was shrouded in fog. I can not tell you what the world looked like below, but I felt a peace up there and an elation because I knew it was all downhill from there.

Next Saturday - I will tackle Butano State Park - maybe even with pictures.

Worst Case Scenario

I found this over at another website and thought that I'd share it with you.

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

So, remember, not everything you read this weekend is true. And on that note, have a nice weekend. See you on Monday!

And you think our guys are out of touch...

Ever since my decision to go to Scotland in 17 months, I've been receiving my daily headlines from the Scottish news via a website called Scotsmen.com. As part of their headlines e-mail every day, they have a bit of This Day in Scottish History. I read this one today and I had to laugh...

Penguin Books were found not guilty of obscenity on this day in 1960, following their trial under the newly introduced Obscene Publications Act after publishing Lady Chatterley's Lover by D.H. Lawrence. Famously, the trial prosecution were ridiculed for being out of touch with the rest of the country after their statement that it was not a book "you would wish your wife or servants to read".

This is just a antidote for all the crazy rhetoric floating around the country right now. If you want my suggestion, boycott all political speech for the next week. You'll feel less soiled on Tuesday.

Failure

If the ultimate goal of interpersonal communication is a well developed relationship, I have failed my brother completely. But I don't know where I went wrong.

For those of you who know my brother Dave, none of what I'm about to say will probably surprise you. In fact, for years I have defended my brother against complaints from all comers - telling them that they just didn't understand his idiosyncracies. Now, I'm not certain that I wasn't only helping to enforce a very negative behavior pattern.

The biggest bruhaha blew up about two months ago. I had made plans to go with my sister and her family to lunch, before heading off to my Mom's house for a family get together that we called Disney Day (we introduce the kids to Disney movies and corrupt them with food and love). My brother Dave is not a big Disney fan and so, even though he'd been invited many times, he didn't usually come along. Well, about an hour before lunch my brother called and wanted to go to lunch with me. I told him that I was already going to lunch with my sister but that he could join us. He said, sure. I told him that I would call him as soon as I learned more. To make a long story short, my sister and I hooked up for lunch and my brother finally called an hour later to say that he was caught in traffic and to keep waiting for him. When I told him that we'd already ordered (because the kids were hungry) he got upset with me and hung up. He called back a minute later and said, "And I'm not going to Disney Day either." And then hung up again. Those were the last, more or less, civil words he's had for me ever since.

Since then, three days before our trip to DisneyWorld he called us and informed us that he wasn't going with us and demanded his money back. We told him to go pound salt in the nicest Christian terms we could manage (but then we tried to get his money back anyway to no effect). He told me that he wouldn't speak to any of us again until he got paid.

I passed all this information along and my parents assumed that he was just blowing hot air. But I just spent the afternoon e-mailing and talking to him again as he reitterated (at the last minute again) that he was not going to help out with Basketball scoring this year. He said several rude things to me, made up many more lies, and then hung up after saying some nasty things.

I have tried to remain calm and civil and Christian. God asks us to forgive and yet the Bible is full of stories about brothers who have the darndest time doing just that. I have asked God for the words of forgiveness and healing, but they don't seem to be coming to me. I have tried to apologize, to beg, to plead, to do anything, but I've mostly just met a wall of silence. His remark today, "As far as I'm concerned, we don't have a relationship anymore," was particularly hurtful - as he intended it.

I am angry. I feel abused. I am confused. I am upset with the lies and the attacks. But mostly I am sad. I feel sorry for my brother who is casting himself loose from my entire family for something he thinks I did to him. If I knew what was at the root of the problem between us, I'd fix it - somehow. I want my brother back. But I can't get that through to him. He doesn't want to listen.

So, when it seems that there is nothing that can be done, I can only turn to God and let Him handle it. I ask your prayers for my brother. And I ask your prayers for me. If my heart has hardened, if I am in the wrong, may I find forgiveness for myself and ask forgiveness of my brother. And if my brother is wrong, may he find forgiveness from me and for himself. And may we both be forgiven by God and restored to his good graces. This has laid heavy on my heart for months now, but I haven't wanted to share because of the ongoing complexity of the situation. But now I need all of your help. So please pray for us.

Amen.

The First Step Begins With A Hat...

There will be a major announcement on my newly revised website in a month or so, but for now, I will leave it to say that I am in training for an event. And the most important part of any person's training cycle is, of course, to look good while doing it. And hence, I need a new hat.

While I have had hiking hats before, I have tended to find them too large, too silly, or too annoying. I need a new hat - one that won't make me sick, one that will drive my walk, and make me feel 6 inches thick. (Sorry, Huey, couldn't help it!) I need a new hat for hiking. I need a hat that will keep my head warm and cool at the same time. I need a hat that will be comfortable. I need a hat that will keep the sweat out of my eyes, the sun off my face, and my hair out of my way. But, mostly, I need a new hat that won't make me look like a dork, or that is so comfortable to wear, I don't care if I look like a dork.

So, does anyone have any suggestions about where I might obtain this holy grail of a hiking hat?

Pass the praise...

I'm not one to pass the praise too often since I like to keep it all for myself, but my sister wrote a rather funny blog post about trying to read a Bible story to her son, Joshua, who turns three in a couple of weeks or so. This is a good laugh.

Check it out here.

WHY?

In the second season of the hit television series, Battlestar Galactica, Captain Adama sits down to have a talk with Sharon who is a former Viper pilot who discovered that she was, in fact, a Cylon that had been infiltrated into the Colonial fleet as a sort of ultimate sleeper agent. Sharon and Adama have history. At the end of Season One, she discovered that she was a Cylon when she walked up to Adama and shot him in the chest at point blank range because her programming (her nature) overcame her and she was unable to stop herself from pulling the trigger. Despite the near death experience, Captain Adama starts talking with Sharon - trying to get information about the Cylons on the one hand, but as a sort of catharsis on the other, working his way towards forgiveness. At the end of one episode, he finally asks, "Why do the Cylons want to destroy us?"

And she responds, "Because you've never asked yourselves why you deserve to survive."

A long time before, in a galaxy far, far away, groups of survivors struggled through the wilderness together moving from clump of brush to clump of brush looking doggedly over their shoulders for pursuing Babylonian soldiers. Jerusalem had been destroyed - its king carried off into exile. The city had been ransacked and burned. Its people had been hacked to death, burned, and, the lucky ones, carried off into exile. Those few who had managed to flee hoped to get as far as Egypt. But they couldn't understand what had gone wrong and why the Babylonians pursued them across the wilderness. "Why do the Babylonians want to destroy us?" they asked. And the prophet might have answered, "Because you never asked yourself why you deserve to survive."

Yesterday, in my church choir loft, surrounded by the few hundred or so remainders of what had once been a thriving church in a once thriving denomination, we sat and listened as our Pastor intoned the terrible news, "If the statistical averages continue to drop, there will be no Presbyterian Church in the United States in 30 years." Our numbers continue to drop. Our new membership classes dry up. We struggle in vain to survive as a denomination and as a church. But we can't understand why we continue to perish. "Why does the world want to destroy us?" And we can't even fathom the answer, "Because we never asked ourselves why we deserve to survive."

Battlestar Galactica is a TV Show and on its flashy surface, you will discover what you expect to see - space jocks, space opera, and great special effects. But at its heart, it asks the tough questions - the questions we each should be asking ourselves. When the world is beating us down and when all things seem gloomy and despair is the last emotion you can find, instead of asking God why He is doing this to us, why He is trying to destroy us, perhaps we should ask God, "How can I deserve to survive?"

What have we done to survive? Our salvation is guaranteed by the blood of Jesus Christ, but what have we done, as a species, to deserve our salvation and our continued survival? We can't feed the hungry. We can't clothe the naked. We can't house the homeless? We can't cure the sick. What exactly have we done to deserve our continued survival? It is only God's love that continues to shield us from extinction. It is only His mercy for which we can hope.

Where does all this doom and gloom come from on such a fine Monday morning? If you saw the way my 49er's played this weekend against the Bears, you wouldn't have to ask. ;)

A Quarter Thousand and One

This is my 251st blog. So let's have fun at my expense...

Today's Category:

Name the three real reasons Will (that's me) came back to blogging after only a week of lay off...

The best answer wins the mutual admiration and condemnation of all participants! So, hop to it!

The Mysteries of Faith - Part One "Heroes"

This will be an ongoing series on mysteries or questions that bother me in the Bible because there are no definitive answers, only faith and questions. I am a rational person who reads the Bible and tries to connect the dots. But when things seem to contradict themselves, or blanket statements seem to good to be true, it leaves me wondering about the validity of the document that we call the Bible. And my only answer to that is to believe it anyway because I'm obviously missing some vital truth that will set my mind at ease. So, please, do not think I am attacking Christianity with these questions. I am merely asking questions in the hopes of finding some answer that will strengthen my understanding of God.

Part One - Heroes

On the TV Show, Heroes, several people have seemingly developed super powers overnight according to a theory of evolution posited by one of the main characters now deceased father. The idea being that these "Heroes" would gain these powers just in time to preserve the human race from some disaster, much like evolution teaches us that giraffe's developed long necks so that they could eat leaves higher up in the branches - had they not done so, they would have gone extinct. Its the idea that the chicken comes before the egg. But that is neither here nor there. These heroes have super powers. They can fly and teleport and go backwards and forwards into the future and paint the future and hear thoughts, etc... No clue as to how these particular abilities are going to save the world, but I'll leave that to the writers to decide.

In the Bible, there are many "heroes" who also develop super powers. Joseph can interpret dreams. Moses is able to part the Red Sea and call down plagues upon Pharoah. Daniel can calm lions. Many can prophesy. Jesus can heal the sick and even raise the dead. All of these "heroes" are sent by God to save the world (a few people at a time, perhaps, or in the case of Jesus, all of us at once). We are then lead to believe that in order to gain super powers, we must be sent by God. We hope to hear His voice in our ears, telling us to leap tall buildings in a single bound. But, of course, it doesn't work that way.

Yet, Jesus said that if we had faith as small as even a mustard seed, we could tell mountains to jump out of the way, and they would move. Now that would be a neat trick.

In today's world, its easy to dismiss the Bible's super powers because, after all, raising the dead isn't nearly as cool as bending over backwards and dodging super-sonic bullets, or stopping in mid-air, turning around and kicking an opponent in the head. Nobody in the Bible has spider sense. Nobody flies. Nobody has metallic claws to gut their opponents. As super powers go, walking on water is pretty lame. In this world of computer animation and fictionalized stories, the Bible pales in comparison.

Except, of course, that they're real. They really happened. Didn't they?

We can recreate the parting of the Red Sea with special effects, draw down plagues on people with computer animation and make-up, and every other show on television seems to resurrect some villain or hero once a week or so. Walking on water? Heck, even Dash from the Incredibles can do that. Feed the 5000? Give me a Star Trek Replicator and a little power from the Dilithium Crystals and I can do that.

In dealing with thoughts of the incredible its hard not to let your imagination take over. And imagination is make believe - not faith. We don't expect man to really fly, nor swing on spider webs through the city. People can't really dodge bullets, and nobody can really raise the dead, nor walk on water, nor spend the night in a cave with hungry lions. And anyone who claims they can interpret your dreams is probably a very good con artist. These things must be simple flights of the imagination combined with some flim flam.

So how does one move mountains? How does one raise the dead or heal the sick? How can faith really do all these things? If I ask God to part San Francisco Bay, would He do it? What if I really concentrated hard and pictured the Bay parting, when I opened my eyes, would it have parted? What missing ingredient am I missing? How do you believe the unbelievable? And how does belief in Christ and His resurrection allow you to move mountains?

I'd like to undo mistakes in my past. There are times when I try to imagine myself in the past and how I'd change things. I concentrate really hard. I close my eyes. I pray. But when my eyes open, nothing has changed. I can not even manage a mustard seed.

Perhaps Yoda was right, "Do, or do not, there is no try."

Priming The Pump

Word of my blogging demise was, apparently, greatly exaggerated.

It seems that while time away from ICON was good for getting my head back into the game, it didn't actually serve to help me write anything. Words of ICON written in the last week: 0. Words of Novel written since I stopped writing ICON: 0. So, as we move into the second inning, we wipe our hands of any foreign substances and begin again with the score tied.

It seems as if I need to prime the pump for writing. I know, approximately, what I want to say, but the words are just buried below under the gunk of other thoughts, feelings, and potential revelations. I need to clear the baffles. I need to put a scupper in my brain. I need to set sail and dog the hatches and... I've been reading too many nautical books lately.

The time off did give me a chance to clear the air within myself. I flung open the windows of my soul and let a cool breeze blow out all the staleness. I had a tremendous weekend almost entirely devoted to being a Christian. I spent all of Saturday morning helping build a local neighborhood park. It was hard, dirty, and extremely fulfilling work. After that, I took my youth group to a corn maze and got to listen to six teenage girls gab for the entire time. It was an education. On Sunday, after church, I participated in the 2006 Crop Walk to raise funds for the San Francisco Food Bank. Not only did I get to walk my faith, but it was a gorgeous day on the Marina in San Francisco and I got to talk with my church family as we walked to Fort Funston at the foot of the Golden Gate Bridge. The entire weekend was a reminder of what ITS all about.

Community. Friendship. Family. Service. Love. Laughter. Happiness. Working Together.

These aren't just platitudes. They aren't words to be hung on church banners excoriating us to be model Christians. They are what we know to be good things. They are gifts from God, freely given if we but open ourselves to receive them.

So, I'm back. Blog 1, Novel 0. I hope to catch up soon.

ICON NO MORE

This is my last post.

It has become increasingly obvious to me that blogging, while fun, is not very productive and has begun to use up my creative resources in things of a finite and immediate pleasure. Since I started blogging over a year ago, my writing has nearly ground to a halt and I have not had much success in starting new ventures. Therefore, I will curtail any further blogging until such time as I can get back on track.

With any luck, the text of my next blog will read, "I have just been published!"

Thank you all for reading my little corner of the web. I appreciate your support and your comments. I will not be disappearing entirely, however, so you will still see me active as a reader. But I will not post any more blogs, so you can stop checking to see if there's anything new. I could not have come as far as this without your support.

And now, may the grace of our Lord, Jesus Christ, be with you all, now and forever. Amen.

The Slow Boat To Redemption

If there is a thicker person on this planet, I challenge them to a slow witted contest. I am like the proverbial Englishman who takes 30 years to get the punchline to a joke - only, in this case, I take 30 years to get the punchline to the truth. Quick to respond, slow to understand - that's me. And I'm not all that quick to respond, but I'm REALLY slow to understand. Any day now, I expect to fully comprehend something that I allegedly learned in Kindergarten, so if you see me yelling Eureka, you'll know why.

My revelations this week come more recently from the past six months and more deeply from events 15 years ago. We'll start with the mea culpas from less than six months ago, while they're still fresh in my mind.

So as not to be unduly influenced by more creative minds around me, I have perfected a filter around my creative brain which weeds out pretty much all stimulae into the creative centers of my tiny mind. This is helpful when I see movies like Back to the Future and decide that what my spine tingling thriller about renegade priests needs most is a time traveling Delorean. With the filter in place, egregious mistakes in tone and plot are eradicated before they are foist upon my readers. With the filters taken out, I am no better than most television executives siezing upon whatever the latest piece of gossip is in order to create a temporary hit TV show.

Where this filter is not helpful, however, is when I ask for help by having people read my stories and give me feedback. In the old days, if anyone criticized my work, I jumped all over them and told them why they were idiots. This had a negative impact on my ability to recruit people to read my stories. I have since learned to keep those spring loaded responses locked safely in my head. However, I will still dispute their criticism even as I'm hearing it (I completely disagree. It's imperative for the Priest to have this time traveling Delorean... don't you see?). I've dropped the idiot from my defense, but the tone is there. I still feel really bad about it. I'm my own worst enemy. Please, please help me read my book... IDIOT! No, wait... that's not what I meant at all...

The point of all this is that, eventually, I come around to their point of view and that makes me feel even worse. Of course, they were right all along. And of course, I still feel like calling them idiots. But the reality is that I'm the only idiot in this conversation. I'm the one who can't see the obvious.

So, the tweaking I'm doing again on the Novel is as a direct result of all the small critiques I received from various idiots... I mean, people... over the last six months. You were right. I was wrong. And if I'd spent more time fixing the problems and less time defending them, I'd have been done a lot sooner.

Having said that, I want to show that this is a constant pattern in my life. I had a stunning insight the other day. I imagined some of the things I said to my ex-girlfriend fifteen years ago, from her perspective at the time, and I came across looking like a completely insane child. Wow. That would crush my ego if I weren't fifteen years removed from said events. But, see, for fourteen years I struggled with the question of why we broke up and its only now that I'm beginning to understand that one of us wasn't really ready for a relationship at the time... and it wasn't her.

I think wisdom is God's way of letting our psyches and egos down gently. We are, after all, ridiculous creatures with grandiose pretentions about our place in the world. If we were to suddenly be able to see where we actually stood in the scheme of things, our brains would probably melt. But with gradual, dawning wisdom, we can recognize ourselves from a distance, see ourselves in a new light and with a new understanding of our own insignificance, and turn our attention to more important matters.

I am a fool for not listening to the great advice I've been getting about my novel, but I'm remedying that now. I only ask that those who have criticized my work keep doing so. I need to be reshaped and remolded as much as, if not more, than my novel. And the only way that will happen is if someone shines the light of truth on my pathetic and glorious reality.

I'm on the slow boat to redemption, but I am still floating.

While You Were Worshipping...

I have discovered the ultimate Sabbath Saving sport that is being played on Sunday and that very well may quickly become the new American Past Time. But I'll come back to that in a minute. First, there is some housecleaning to do...

ICON welcomes White Tie & Tales to its impressive and elite Blogging Roll Call. This new blog from newcomer Bill Robison (my accountant - who will likely give me a good rate for advertising his blog ;) is sure to be very impressive, if sporadic. During the next couple of years, he will be detailing his life story. While not quite as thrilling and soap operaish as Pat's over at Past Imperfect, this saga does have one thing that Pat doesn't - San Francisco as a background. And, I may be biased, but that's really something that can't be beat. So, please click on the link here on my page and go read the first installment of White Tie & Tales and encourage my, ahem, accountant to continue his writing career.

For those of you wondering whatever happened to my novel, you can rest easy - I burned it and am starting all over, which clearly explains global warming. Okay, as tempting as that sounds, its not remotely true. Nothing explains global warming. But I digress... oh yeah, the novel. I have begun work on it again after a lengthy absence. I spent an hour on it last night and changed the first Act title to In Full Measure (a biblical reference to Isaiah... honest!). Tonight, I might actually change a word or two of the actual text, then I'll really be on fire. Or as we in the biz like to say, En Fuego!

Now back to our regularly scheduled sabbath busting sports business.

Baseball used to be our national pasttime. But who has time for it anymore? Nobody can afford the organ you need to play in between each batter and now that they're adding cheerleaders... fuggedaboutit.

Basketball came and went as our national pasttime as fast as it took Michael Jordan to dunk over just about anyone. Too many of them, if you know what I mean... (ticket scalpers is what I meant, so keep your lurid thoughts to yourself!)

Football is a great Sunday game - full of violence and whining and violence and beer commercials and violence. A much more appropriate game for the American psyche, but, unfortunately, one which most of us do not actually play. Why? Because we'd much rather sit on our couch, drink beer, flip channels, and eat pizza on Sunday. While this is all good, and somewhat technically qualifies as a Sabbath Saving type event where we do as little as possible on Sunday, much to the chagrin of our families, it doesn't actually qualify as a sport. Though Bridge does, which confuses me.

The reason Couch Potatoing doesn't qualify as a sport is because there is no competition involved. Believe me, if there was, we'd dominate the sport and own the Olympic Gold Metal in this event. Nobody out couch potatoes an American. You could go into just about any neighborhood in this country, knock down a couple of doors, and drag a few lazy SOB's off their couches and create a Dream Team. But, once again, no sport, no sports governing body, no Olympic inclusion. Its all politics, I'm sure.

BUUUUTTTTTTT... there is an alternative that allows you to save Sabbath time by sitting on your butt, watching TV, doing nothing, drinking beer, eating pizza, etc... AND still compete in a sport! This is surely an American invention - A sport where you don't actually have to do Anything!

I'm talking, of course, about Fantasy Football.

You select a team, put them together, and then let them play. While you're sitting on the couch, etc... obeying God's command to rest on His holy day, you are actually competing for points and prestige and valuable prizes. (valuable prizes not available in every league - see league rules for details. Questionable legal babble may apply.)

Just yesterday, while I lay on my bed, remote in hand, contemplating massive title changes to my novel, I was racking up touchdown after touchdown after touchdown - putting points on the board with the greatest of ease. And still completely Sabbath safe from having to lift a finger in work. I may not yet be a five tool Sunday Sports Star (I didn't have pizza or beer, but I did have a remote and I was in a reclined position), but I hope to someday be counted amongst the Sunday elites racking up points on earth and in Heaven at the same time.

(Legal disclaimer: Fantasy Football may, in fact, violate the spirit of the Sabbath. ICON does not endorse its own claims. Play responsibly.)

Friday Category

Ah, my dear friend Andy is having a bad day so I thought we'd all try to cheer him up. What he needs now is the three best song titles of current songs that could serve as the new theme song of the Girl Scouts of America. (I.E. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.)

So, put on your ITUNES thinking caps and lets dooooo iiiiitttttttt!

Name the three best song titles that could serve as the new theme song of the Girl Scouts of America...

Still Waters

I've been very still, very quiet lately. Sitting in my house, watching the new network shows, reading new books, drawing, eating, mostly with my mind in neutral - like a giant computer that has too much data pouring through it at the same time, I look like I'm doing nothing. This idling of my life is strenuous for me. I don't like to sit still. I like to be doing things. I was not made for rest.

Over the weekend I made a movie. I now have footage for three films sitting in my camera waiting for my editing skills to kick in. Each of these projects waits like a long line of cars on the freeway, everyone trying to get to their ultimate destination but the sheer volume of traffic has brought everything to a stand still. I can't edit the movie because...

The novel is going nowhere. It needs to be tweaked. But the tweaks that I'm now contemplating were not tweaks I contemplated before. Do I really want to do another rewrite? What if rewriting it again is the only way I'll ever get it published? But maybe I'm just stalling? Or maybe I'm scared of rejection and I'm using new ideas to delay the inevitable? I can't rewrite until I know the motivation for rewriting. I can't edit until I know if I'm rewriting. I can't very well seek an agent until I know how much more work needs to be done on the novel. I can't do anything with the novel because...

My website needs updating. Its old and haggard and I've gone so far beyond its capabilities. But before I change the website I have to determine what the new site will look like. Before I can decide what the new site will look like, I need to know what the capabilities of the server will be. Before I can figure out the capabilities of the server, I need to determine what capabilities I absolutely need from the server. Before I can determine those capabilities, I need to figure out what sort of things will be on the website. This is getting me nowhere except for the knowledge that I need a new server before I build a new website. I can't do anything with a new server because...

I really need to buckle myself down and work on Heaven lessons for the youth group. But I don't know where to look. And its gonna be a lot of research. And I'm not a very good youth leader. And, oh, this is all so frustrating...

Gridlock. On the surface, I'm calm and cool and collected. I look like a guy without a care in the world - just floating along. But deep down, under those still waters, a storm is raging - horns blaring, people yelling, overturned apple carts, police whistles, unbearable noise and frustration. I'm drowning in things to do and I can't find a life line.

Eventually, I know, I will be able to move one piece and the rest will begin to flow from there. But, in the meantime, I'm bottled up. I can't think. I can't write. And nothing feels or tastes good. Its like sensory overload depression. A straitjacket of indecision.

The last time I felt this way was in 2001. In Novemeber of that year, I finally snapped out of it by deciding to write my Novel. These feelings are nothing new for me. But they sure are annoying. Something is coming, of that I'm sure, but I wish it'd get here already.

Contemplate This...

Hosea 10:12 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)

12 Sow for yourselves righteousness,
reap the fruit of unfailing love,
and break up your unplowed ground;
for it is time to seek the LORD,
until he comes
and showers righteousness on you.

Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society
[NIV at IBS] [International Bible Society] [NIV at Zondervan] [Zondervan]

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I figure I got one more career change in me. Whatever I choose to do in 18 months will be my last career change (for now ;). The ideal, of course, is to publish and become a well respected and highly paid author. And that's the career path I will be pursuing. But... its still fun to speculate.

I have thought that if I have to work for someone else there are a few areas that interest me - dream jobs, so to speak. You might notice a trend here. First, my absolute dream job would be as a Disney Imagineer. To sit around all day and dream, plan, and execute the new rides and attractions at Disney Theme Parks would be the ultimate cool job. Of course, I don't know engineering, nor can I draw anything more complicated than a stick figure (as all the laughs at my pathetic storyboards for my new movie remind me ;) But I am handy creatively speaking and I'm willing to try anything creative, so long as you don't expect Michelangelo. Second, I thought it'd be very cool to work as a sound designer for ILM. But, my level of ignorance in this area astounds me. Still, it'd be a fun thing to learn.

There are, of course, all the tried and true career ideas that have come and gone in my head - travel agent, CIA, teacher, etc... Most of these jobs play to one of my strengths - but a career?

I guess the question would be, regardless of your abilities, if there was one job you could do with the proviso that it paid enough to live off of, what would you want to be when you grow up?

I will continue my "job" search.

Change of Course

I still don't think that's spelled right.

Anyway...

Like some people around here, I've been stuck in the doldrums of life - my sails lying loose as I stare at the still air around me and wonder what new course to set. Lately, I've felt the wind stirring again and I've known that the winds of change are blowing around me.

So today I made a decision. I don't know what I'm going to do next, but I at least know the time frame. Next year, or so, will be my last year at this current company. I've grown bored with the idea of inventory control. I'm ready to try something new. In approximately April of 2008, I will say goodbye to this company and board a plane to Scotland for one month. When I return, I will start a new phase of my life.

The deadline has been set. Now comes the hard part... trying to figure out what to do next.

When all else fails...

I admit to now being caught up in a Communist conspiracy to destroy this country. Long believed to have given up due to a lack of recruits, it is clear now that the Communists have merely gone into hiding while they seek to subvert this nation with lies and hypocrisy. But I have caught on to their lies and deceit and I now know better.

I was clearly informed in the news that the writ of Habeus Corpus was being suspended by the bill that the Senate passed last week. I was not the only person who read this article and took its meaning to be that Habeus Corpus was suspended. A very fine lawyer who is a friend of my sister also blogged about the exact same thing and with the exact same passion and anger. We were both duped. According to another very fine lawyer, Randall Sherman, who knows a thing or two about legal gobbledygook used in the writing of these complex bills, Habeus Corpus is not suspended at all. Not even close.

Is this another attempt by Democrats to get a rise out of its supporters by claiming things falsely? Is this another attempt by Republicans to lie to their right wing constituents by showing they are tough on terror, even when they're not willing to suspend the Constitution to go after these bad guys? I know I didn't misread it. Therefore, someone in the know clearly misinformed the public.

Apparently, any news of this bill has long since been buried by the sexual escapades of Congressman Foley of Florida. If you read the headlines on the internet, Congressman Foley was set up by the Democrats to take a fall right before the mid-term elections... or... Congressman Foley's sexual escapades were covered up until after the mid-term elections to help Republicans take control of the house... or... There were no escapades and the Democrats are falsely creating a scandal in order to destroy Foley and Hastert... or... The entire Republican party is a giant cabal of pimps and drug users and evil men intent on destroying the world and bringing Satan back. I've seen all this on the internet. I know I didn't misread it. Therefore, someone in the know might be trying to misinform the public.

The higher the stakes grow, the more outrageous the claims. I half expect to see a front page headline in the San Francisco Chronicle tomorrow that Barry Bonds bites the heads off live bats because of steroids. But, in other papers, I half expect to see a front page headline that ties Foley to the White House and to Monica Lewinsky (depending on which political affiliation's newspaper you happen to read).

Clearly, someone is playing both sides against each other. This is too much of a thing to be random chance. And no amount of ridiculous luck is going to give Al Queda a chance to run such a perfect psy-op on the American people. No, there is only one group smart enough and capable of running such a smear campaign against both parties at once.

If you guessed the Green Party, you're wrong.

No, my friends... the Communists are back! They have infiltrated our government by convincing us that they are our friends again. And now, they have begun the most outrageous conflict of all. They are destroying us from within.

They almost got me. Don't let them get you. Don't believe anything coming out of the White House or Congress anymore. Its not true. Vote your conscience. Vote for the best person. And may the best person win. Its time we stopped looking at party's and started looking at Americans. After all, I'd take a Republican congressman over a communist one any day of the week! So this election year, vote American.

Human Rights Violations

One of the fundamental universal human rights is the right to defend yourself when accused of a crime. If someone says you did something wrong, you must be allowed to have your say about whether the accusation is true or not. If a nation state denies this right to its citizens, it is in violation of those citizens human rights.

I was raised in a country that believes that We the People give our consent to elected officials to create a government that will run this country in such a way as to preserve our rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. In order to preserve these rights, we ordained and established the Constitution of the United States of America. One of the very first ammendments to this Constitution is a guaranteed right to defend ourselves against accusations before being jailed. This right is known by the latin term, Habeas Corpus - which means, Produce The Body.

This right has been suspended once by the President of the United States. Abraham Lincoln in the opening days of the Civil War suspended the writ of habeas corpus in the city of Baltimore so that anti-federalist agitators could be rounded up before they seized the city and separated it from the Union. Considering that Virginia, on one side of Washington D.C. had already seceeded from the Union, had Baltimore also become enemy territory, the United States capitol would have been surrounded. These agitators were rounded up based upon intelligence gathered by real life detectives and they were imprisoned until the threat was considered ended and then released. Even though the act was generally praised as a smart and decisive strategic move, the pro-Lincoln Congress roundly condemned the action of the President as unconstitutional. And indeed, though necessary, Lincoln agonized over the decision before making it.

Today, in the Senate, 51 American Senators under no direct threat whatsoever, threw away our guaranteed constitutional human right to the writ of Habeas Corpus. 51 people have opened up the statue books, found the Constitution of the United States of America, and have ripped them out, torn them up, and burned the pieces. Once this bill takes effect, the Federal Government will be able to have any American citizen arrested without producing evidence or even leveling allegations. They will be allowed to be interrogated here and abroad by means not allowed under the Geneva Convention. And there will be no... NO... recourse nor means to prove one's innocence.

For your information, listed below are the States of this great nation who believe that the Constitution no longer matters based upon their representation in the Senate of the United States:

Grouped by Home State
Alabama: Sessions (R-AL), Nay Shelby (R-AL), Nay
Alaska: Murkowski (R-AK), Nay Stevens (R-AK), Nay
Arizona: Kyl (R-AZ), Nay McCain (R-AZ), Nay
Georgia: Chambliss (R-GA), Nay Isakson (R-GA), Nay
Idaho: Craig (R-ID), Nay Crapo (R-ID), Nay
Kansas: Brownback (R-KS), Nay Roberts (R-KS), Nay
Kentucky: Bunning (R-KY), Nay McConnell (R-KY), Nay
Maine: Collins (R-ME), Nay Snowe (R-ME), Not Voting
Mississippi: Cochran (R-MS), Nay Lott (R-MS), Nay
Missouri: Bond (R-MO), Nay Talent (R-MO), Nay
Nebraska: Hagel (R-NE), Nay Nelson (D-NE), Nay
North Carolina: Burr (R-NC), Nay Dole (R-NC), Nay
Ohio: DeWine (R-OH), Nay Voinovich (R-OH), Nay
Oklahoma: Coburn (R-OK), Nay Inhofe (R-OK), Nay
South Carolina: DeMint (R-SC), Nay Graham (R-SC), Nay
Tennessee: Alexander (R-TN), Nay Frist (R-TN), Nay
Texas: Cornyn (R-TX), Nay Hutchison (R-TX), Nay
Utah: Bennett (R-UT), Nay Hatch (R-UT), Nay
Virginia: Allen (R-VA), Nay Warner (R-VA), Nay
Wyoming: Enzi (R-WY), Nay Thomas (R-WY), Nay

Its time to call it like it is. And its time to tell the truth. This is not a red state/blue state issue, this is a human rights issue. And for those of you who don't feel you have anything to worry about because you're not a terrorist, I believe there are a great many victims of NAZI Germany who had the same attitude at the start of World War II.

Power corrupts. And we've just handed the government the most corrupting power of all - the power to jail us and torture us without charges. I sure hope this makes you feel safer. Because it scares the hell out of me!

Be vigilant. Be safe.

Hypocrisy

I'm not terribly upset about what's currently going on in Washington, but I'm getting frustrated with all the so called pundits who don't seem to have a clue.

Right now, as I write this, the Senate is debating a bill that would allow the continued enforcement of restrictions against our civil liberties - i.e. If the government names you a terrorist suspect, you will not have any right to defend yourself in court. That this information against you will be gathered by covert means despite the fact that the law clearly states such means are illegal seems to no longer be an issue. If it keeps America in business, it must be okay to spy on its own people. Right down the hall, in Congress, executives of HP are being grilled because they spied on their own corporate board members because of intelligence leaks to reporters. Their argument that if it keeps HP in business, it must be okay to spy on its own people, is being universally condemned.

The pundits can't understand where this corporate attitude might have come from and can't figure out why the executive officers would think this was an ethical and moral thing to do. Just in my own head, where ever they said Company, I replaced the word with Country. Guess what? It was the same exact argument.

Further, had the company been spying on its employees to determine who might be leaking information, there would have been no argument whatsoever. Court decision after court decision has backed up a companies right to investigate the privacy of its employees as it relates to corporate matters (I.E. if they think you're doing harm to the company via blogs, e-mails, phone calls, sleeping with employees of other corporations, whatever...)

So, then, the only reason HP is a shock to anyone is because it was Board Executives investigating Board Members... and... reporters (for whom its not illegal to do the same sort of investigation that the Board Executives were doing on them ;)

Secrecy and intelligence gathering is a shadow world where rules and ethics really don't apply. This should be the first thing we all know about the shadow world. The second thing is that you can't be squeamish if you want to play here. If reporters and Congress and the rest of the nation really thinks its okay to delve into this realm, they better plan on checking their rules and ethics at the door. We can't be for spying on our neighbors for the good of the country, if we're not also for spying on ourselves for the good of the country. These things go hand in hand. If reporters are going to attack the business of HP by publishing leaked material gleaned from dark and secret sources, then HP has every right to use the exact same tactics to stop those leaks from occuring.

Only next time, HP should use someone who won't get caught - or if they do, will allow HP to disavow all knowledge of this operation. Jeez, you'd think these Board Executives had never read a spy novel.

The Straitjacket of Faith

I'm standing on a rock in the fog and I'm declaring my thoughts as of this moment. When then fog clears, a little, I hope to discover that I'm not anywhere near the top of this mountain nor this discussion. If you have differing opinions or thoughts, by all means, call them out to me and I will stumble through the fog towards your voice. That being said...

The Reverend Glenda Hope of Network Ministries started out her sermon the other day by talking to the youth about overcoming peer pressure. She said something to the effect that its really hard to hold strong moral ground when dealing with your peers because of the fear that you will look to be a party pooper. But then she added that when you do stand your ground, you will feel good about yourself. And then you must fight the temptation not to think yourself better than your friends. Its kind of a damned if you do and damned if you don't approach to faith.

These thoughts sort of sum up what I've been trying to wrangle with for several weeks now. Its something I've called the Straitjacket of Faith, and believe me, I think I may be the only one suffering from these conclusions. So this may be a unique mixture of Christian Guilt and my own personality coming together to form gridlock in my brain.

Here's the gist of the problem: Hypothetically, let's say I see a woman and I like her and I want to ask her out. Being a crazy writer, my thoughts race ahead to all sorts of possible scenarios. And many of these scenarios end with my choice of either sinning or losing the woman. I have learned that the quickest way to God's displeasure is to knowingly sin - its double bad because you're not only sinning, but you're knowingly doing so and rejecting God in the process. Therefore, if I get into this relationship with the woman and said sinful scenario comes up and I knowingly reject God in order to sin, then I have really, really, messed up. End result: Its best to avoid that situation entirely. So I won't do anything. Gridlock. Straitjacket.

This is so clearly boneheaded a thought that even I have a hard time following its flawed logic. But the dilemma is still there. God wants us to seek perfection. God wants us to not sin. And yet, we're going to sin when we do things. Therefore, the best way to avoid sinning is to not do anything.

It reminds me of the parable of the servants and their talents. I feel like the one who buried his talents in the dirt so that they would not get lost or stolen. I would look like a genius if the other two servants lost their talents, but they didn't. Because in this scenario, the other two servants are perfect and don't make mistakes. But what would Jesus's response have been had one of the servants invested his two talents and lost them - showing up to his master with nothing to show for his hard work?

There is a risk inherent in doing anything. But it seems to me that seeking perfection and seeking Christ are two very different goals - and yet, maybe, the same thing. Maybe there is a perfection in seeking Christ that allows us to stumble and fall and make mistakes. Maybe there is a perfection in Christ that sees that sometimes we need to take the chance of sinning if it means better understanding.

I don't know. The fog is rolling in again and I still don't see clearly. I'd love to hear your voices on these thoughts.

Humble Pie

Every once in a while, when we get too full of ourselves, God gives us a nice slice of humble pie to remind us that we have nothing to do with anything. Its all about Him.

I think my last post was a good example of getting too full of one's self. There are times when you look and look and look and all you can see is the dark clouds. You know the silver linings are out there. You believe it deep in your heart. But you just can't see them. Everything looks bad. Everything is depressing. Its easy to get down on yourself and on the world. (For me, its usually when I'm over tired - like a toddler who refuses to take a nap.) On Friday, I knew that I was just tired and I knew that the real world wasn't as dark or bleak as it appeared to me, and yet... I still felt like writing that post. Four rejection letters now - Oh No! It's the End of the World! ;)

But then, I sat down at the long counter of life and God slid a nice slice of humble pie to me and said, "Here. Its kind of bittersweet, but I think you'll like it." I had a few bites on Saturday night when I was looking at the same two kids that had come to youth group for the previous three weeks and I was starting to think that perhaps I was driving the kids away, that maybe someone else should run my youth group - someone the kids liked. The previous week, when I'd been on vacation, the group had swelled to 13 kids. Now there were only two kids. What was I doing wrong? Why was I such a bad youth leader? What sin had I done? What... oh, wait, here comes three more kids!

We had a lot of fun with the games. They sat attentively listening to my "lesson" on Heaven and were eager to participate. And when the evening was over, I felt this huge high. As I got in my car for the ride home, I suddenly thought - I have no control over how many kids show up. Only God can really nudge them to come to youth group. I needn't do anything more than try my hardest and be faithful and God will provide the kids. If He builds it, they will come.

So, then I decided to have a big old piece of that humble pie the next day when our guest sermon was by the Reverend Glenda Hope of Network Ministries in San Francisco. She came to talk to us about a shelter she runs for prostituted women. Her stories were heartbreaking and hopeful at the same time. There wasn't a dry eye in the entire church. Its hard to be down on yourself after that. Its hard to say woe is me when others are going through so much worse and haven't given up yet.

When you are right with God, when you have swallowed that humble pie, its not only easy to see the silver lining in the clouds; its hard to see the clouds through the silver lining. God is truly wonderful. I hope to never forget that... but I'm sure that I will. But its good to know that when I do, God will be waiting there with another slice.

OHFER

Its sometimes hard not to take life seriously. If my life was an American Idol results show, even Paula would be picking on me by now... "Oh, come on Will... we all know you've been eliminated! Give up already!" Such feelings and sentiments are clearly behind song lyrics like, "If I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all." Apparently, my life has been one constant case of the blues... but hey, there's good music here.

I say this now, tongue firmly planted in cheek, because I can't seem to get away from Rejection Form hell. Its bad getting a rejection. Nobody likes it. But after four years of writing a novel, the last thing you want is a mimeographed form letter rejection that took someone 2 seconds to copy and seal in your self-addressed stamped envelope. It took longer for me to create the envelope than it took them to reject me and my novel. It almost makes one want to become a super villain with really bizarre demands - Publish My Novel or I Will Destroy Manhattan! Er, wait... that's hardly going to work, is it? Publish the novel of Mr. Will Robison, who is in no way affiliated with me, Dr. Nefarious, or I will destroy... well, you know.

The Ohfer's in my life keep stacking up. Its getting hard for me to see the sunlight over the huge pile of rejection I've received. Work hard and receive your just rewards... My ass! While Jesus is handing out all the juicy payola to His vineyard workers, He's going to take one look at me and say, "You missed a spot." I'm sure to be toiling out in the back 40 until long after the cow's have come home.

I say this all because I know that compared to many, my life is a dream. But I've developed this unhealthy desire to see myself published and rejection of this one goal seems like universal spite. I'm beginning to feel like Moses - I can see the promised land, but I will never enter. Still, it'd be nice to part a Red Sea or two along the way.

Well, maybe soon... maybe soon...

Excess Baggage

Once again, my sister underestimated her luggage requirements for a trip to Walt Disney World. To be fair, this time she had two little kids, one slightly older big kid who is her husband, and a loving and indulgent grandmother along. This may have had a minor effect on her luggage requirements as they cleaned out souvenir stand after souvenir stand to satisfy their urge to spoil the kids rotten. They're cute kids. Who can blame them? But, as I watched this bloated monstrosity of luggage wending its way from hotel room to baggage claim to airplane concourse, I couldn't help but wonder - who needs all this stuff?

My Mom and I got into an argument about this on the trip. At our first sit down restaurant, the waiter brought over some blue plastic dolphins for the kids to use for tracing with their crayons. The kids are 2 and 1 respectively, and so, to them, the dolphins were merely toys which they quickly grew tired of and tossed on the floor (en route to a major first day meltdown ;) After the kids had left and it was just my Mom and I remaining to take care of the bill and what not, we got into an argument about whether we should gather the blue dolphins for the kids. "They're not going to even remember them," I argued. "They'll remember them," My Mom countered. "They remember all of their toys." My sister confirmed this side of the argument later by pointing out that it took her son only about fifteen minutes to realize that she had donated some of his toys to Goodwill once - toys he hadn't played with in over six months. From the distance of perspective, this attitude towards toys seems warped - but I'm certain that I was the same way when I was a kid. "Rosebud" rings true to us all because there are things in our lives that we try to get back once they're missing. There are things we all cling to as external extensions of ourselves, that seem to diminish us when they are gone.

A few days earlier, as I devoured C.S. Lewis's brilliant "The Great Divorce", I was quite frankly a little annoyed with the great writer's view of the afterlife. To be very concise, the story is about a man who finds himself walking through a gray city and eventually joining a bus queue for a bus trip to Heaven. He encounters various people on this journey and each one displays some annoying characteristic - many different archetypes of various attitudes about life, faith, etc... - that will more than likely eventually keep them from embracing God's love and going to Heaven. I'll talk more about that in future segments. What annoyed me about this afterlife, initially, was the fact that there seemed to be almost no joy in the afterlife.

I want to believe in the sort of quintessential picture of Heaven - bright light, pearly gates, heavenly choir to sing me in through the gates, wings, harp, the whole nine yards. I'd like to think that when we die, we are embraced with beauty and love and all our cares and thoughts from the real world disappear.

In this afterlife, however, C.S. Lewis seems to suggest that while we can't take physical items with us to the great beyond, we are able to pack our bags with personality quirks, old arguments, lies, disbelief, and other assorted goodies. No shining white light, no pearly gates, no instant knowledge of God - you might even have to work a while to discover all the secrets of the universe.

Annoying, but thought provoking.

What would I pack in my bag? What sort of luggage would I take with me to heaven? What sort of excess, extraneous baggage that I just can't live without, would I try to drag along with me into Heaven? In terms of "things", what could I not live without?

I live in a society where things have equal importance with substance - where having an IPOD is almost on the same level as having clothes to wear or a job. In fact, many of us view our jobs as merely a means to get an IPOD. We don't do meaningful work, we simply do whatever we can so that we can afford the latest things. Those things change as we get older. We replace IPOD's for fancy weddings or new cars or a bigger house or expensive and lavish vacations. Things take spots in our hearts that should be reserved for the love of others, for the love of experience, for the love of God. Jesus pities the rich man's attempt to get into Heaven precisely because he has all those "things" in his heart - money, power, luxury - that he could never have enough room for Heaven. And what does he need it for? What comfort does it really get him? What happiness does it really bring?

I mention all this not to cast aspersions on others. We all have our own baggage and most of it is excess. C.S. Lewis's book merely pointed out to me that I've been hauling around a lot of stuff that I no longer need, and never really did. Its time I rediscovered what was truly important in my life and repacked my luggage for a different kind of journey.

And then I rested...

On the 11th Day, I returned from WDW completely refreshed and ready to go. But a lot can happen in 10 days when there is no work to occupy your mind. So in the following paragraph I've listed all the great Biblical revelations I made during my vacation, as well as all the great and wonderful ideas I had that will completely change the world, and I've even thrown in a few errant brilliant ideas that I had during the trip. So, here goes...

Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero.

For ten days, I woke up, took a shower, got dressed, and then spent the day dealing with heat and humidity (praising God every minute that I live in a temperate climate) as I wandered around WDW with my niece and nephew and other assorted kids (my sister and her husband chief amongst them ;) acting the part of tourist to utter completion. I swam, took naps, sat around, drank a lot, and ate. In terms of rest, it was completely indulgent and utterly decadent.

I know I should feel guilty, but I just can't bring my mind around to that feeling just yet. I'm sure it'll come later.

Anyway, I'm back. And everything is back on track. Tomorrow, I begin discussing C.S. Lewis.

See ya then!

P.S. Congrats to The Beach for his one year milestone. I started my blog not a week or so later, so I should be hitting my one year mark here as well fairly soon. Anyone got any idea how to figure out when you started your blog?

Everytime we say goodbye...

I am taking a week off from the Blog to go on vacation. If my lack of mental acuity during the last week wasn't a tip off to me that I needed the time off, then the huge soulful mental bash I received yesterday as I devoured C.S. Lewis's The Great Divorce was a definite wake up call. I even had to admit in a meeting with my bosses yesterday that my brain was already in Orlando. Its time to let the world worry about itself for a week.

"WILL! YOU JUST READ C.S. LEWIS'S THE GREAT DIVORCE, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?"

"I'M GOING TO DISNEYWORLD!"

I'm going to sit on a beach with a pan-galactic gargleblaster and a good book and try not to think for an entire week. It'll be the closest I come to the Presidency ;)

Hope you all have a good time while I'm gone.

See you in a while.

Living In The Moment, Living Outside The Moment

There are moments in writing of utter sheer joy. Moments of intense culmination that you've been preparing for years, that when you finally sit down at your computer that night, you know you are finally going to see on the written page. But there are other moments of deep and intense frustration - moments where you are literally pounding your head against the wall because you just can't get that correct tone or the action doesn't match the message you are trying to convey. Highs and lows and sometimes at the same moment, joy and frustration. To write is to embrace the insanity of life and then let it flow away in words.

I had a moment of intense revelation at church this morning during communion. It was one of those church moments when you can feel the holy spirit encircling you and wrapping you up in its warm embrace. I found myself outside of church - living outside the moment - looking around at all the people in the pews and wondering what was going through their heads and how God was able to hear all their thoughts and feel all their feelings and heal all their pains. It felt like the holy spirit was whirring around the entire sanctuary and only I could see it - even though it was invisible. And it reminded me so much of the deep joy I have in writing.

When you read a story for the first time, if the writer is good, you are caught up in the moment of a scene - of the singularity of action and purpose of the characters. But, if the writer is REALLY good, you are both in the moment and outside the moment at the same time - caught up in the moment of the scene, but also processing the importance of that scene in the larger context of the story so far. You know that Bond is dueling with the bad guy and its a really intense moment, but its made more intense because you know that the bad guy killed his best friend. You are seeing the present, but also the past - the present with context.

But, when you are the REALLY REALLY good writer, you are layering the story with a third layer of context - the story that is yet to come. In one scene, you not only have the action that is occuring, but the context of that action from the past, AND you are layering the context for the scenes that are yet to come. Not only is Bond fighting the bad guy that killed his best friend, but he is about to discover that the bad guy also kidnapped his wife. You, as the writer, know this. You are caught up in the moment of the telling of the story - living IN the moment. But, you are also OUTSIDE the moment - thinking about all that has gone before and all that is yet to come. Each and every scene has to fit in this context. Each and every action from each and every character fits into this story. Seemingly random events in Chapter Three might have huge ramifications in Chapter 120. And seemingly normal dialogue in Chapter 98 wittily refers back to an event in Chapter 7. Each moment is the present and unique, but it also has elements of the past and present wrapped up in it.

And then I finally understood the Trinity. In this great story of God's love for us all, Jesus is the center of the action. He is In the moment. All that has come before and all that will come after is Outside the moment. Moses, Paul, you and I, we're all part of the story - but the part that refers back to the moment. In this respect, Jesus can be In the moment and Outside the moment at the same time. He can be in Heaven and on Earth. He can be living and He can be dying. He is at the beginning and He is at the ending. He is the Alpha and the Omega and all points in between. The story is already written, but the details might change as we go along. Jesus is our context.

We are forced to live in the moment. We can see from where we've come, but we haven't a clue what comes next. Though the temptation is there to skip to the end of the story and see what happens to us, none of us have yet developed that particular ability. We are the characters in this story. We are forced to react only to things that have already occurred and to things we can try to see coming. But we never know when the story will end, or what might happen next in the chapter.

Hobbled

For the last month or so, I've been walking every day in preparation for my trip to Walt Disney World next week. I've been feeling good about it and nice and strong. Everything was looking just great for my trip - with everything in place and a nice 10 days grace period to quietly slip into my vacation. And then...

Last weekend I started off my Youth Group for the year by spending all day Saturday running around buying the various ingredients for the Biblical Ice Cream Social. Saturday night, after I had gathered all the goods, I ran my first Youth Group meeting of the year - which also served as an opportunity to do some preparation for the Social the next day. Still not nearly finished, on Sunday morning, I went directly to church and worked to finish all the details. For the first hour and a half, I was entirely by myself. Up until about half an hour before the Social, I had one helper, then two until five minutes before the Social. Finally, I had a small but decent crew to run the Ice Cream Social and we had twice as many people attend this year as last year. We ran around and got everyone their ice cream. And then, afterwards, cleaned up the mess. By 2:00pm, I returned home and my legs were killing me. I'd been on my feet for nearly 36 hours straight by that point.

What I didn't realize until Monday morning was that I had also somehow tweaked my knee. As I got out of bed and realized that I could barely put any pressure on it, I frowned with annoyance and hobbled into the shower for a day's work. For most of the week, I've been hobbling along trying to get my leg back in shape. All of my previous walking and preparation for Walt Disney World will have been for naught if one little knee injury keeps me from walking anyway.

On Tuesday, however, with my leg a tiny bit better, I was able to relax again and start thinking about DisneyWorld and all the wonderful things that were going to happen there. Then, around noon, my sister called and asked me if I had ten minutes to talk.

"Sure," I said, "What's going on?"

"Dave's not going to Disney World."

Dave is my brother. We've been brothers all of our lives. To say that this didn't shock me would be to make it sound like this was the sort of thing my brother does all the time - it isn't... but the threat has been constantly there. While I may not have been shocked, I was certainly disappointed. My brother's rift with the family was finally reaching a crisis point. There was no putting off the inevitable this time. He'd finally thrown down the gauntlet and demanded a response.

The problem was, I didn't have any idea what that response might be. I've known for a long time that my brother has issues, but anyone who's ever met my brother knows that. The thing is, however, is that everyone has their own theory as to what those issues might be. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock for the next ten years might never find out. Which isn't to say that he's crazy. Neurotic... sure. But again, I don't want to make my brother sound 100% at fault.

I prayed for guidance. I asked the Lord for help. Then I called my brother. The conversation went pretty much as I expected with my brother levelling accusations left and right about this and that - none of which even came close to whatever was really eating at him. I tried to sift through it all and get to the heart of the matter, but I wasn't getting anywhere. In the midst of a situation like that, there's not a point where you can say, "Hold on... I'm not doing this correctly. Wait a second while I pray to God and consult Him as to what I should say next." Compounding the problem, of course, is the fact that he's my brother. There is a lot of human emotional baggage tied to that. Like Andy trying to remain calm with his parents. Its easy for us to tell him what he should or shouldn't do, but his emotions and his feelings get in the way. I tried to remain calm with my brother. I tried not to get sucked in to his arguments and his accusations, but... well... I just couldn't help it. I know I sinned. I know I failed my brother. But I just wasn't able to do anything to help the situation. The cut I'd been trying to heal turned into a rift. My brother had a few choice words for me and then hung up.

In life, there is no such thing as a straight line. Things are constantly falling into our paths to make us steer down different paths. We go places we never expected and deal with situations that were not of our choosing. Often times the path is hard enough just getting around these obstacles. But then, to make matters worse, we get hobbled along the way. Our legs break down and we're forced to limp along, slower and with much pain. Or, in our haste and blindness, we make wrong turns and go down wrong paths. When we reach deadends it can seem like the end of all things. But, we always have the option of turning around and going back the way we came.

My trip to Disney World is still on - currently minus one person. I would not have done this without much prayer. However, I'm still wondering if there is something more that I could do - something I haven't tried yet. I know that I don't want a rift between my brother and I, but I feel as if I am fighting a losing battle - trying to hold on to something that doesn't want to be contained. Ultimately, I have to let my brother go, if he wants to go. I can't keep him in the family against his will. I just hope he knows what it is he really wants.

Time heals all wounds and my leg is about 90% of normal right now - so I should be able to walk just fine when I get to Disney World. But the problem with my brother is a wound that cuts deep. Not only will it not heal by next week, it may grow worse and infected while I am trying to enjoy Disney World. I can only hope for a peaceful solution to all this, but I think that this is clearly a case where the solution is out of my hands. Either God is going to heal my brother and return him to the family, or He is going to give me the words to do it. But, on my own, there is nothing more that I can do.