I've been very still, very quiet lately. Sitting in my house, watching the new network shows, reading new books, drawing, eating, mostly with my mind in neutral - like a giant computer that has too much data pouring through it at the same time, I look like I'm doing nothing. This idling of my life is strenuous for me. I don't like to sit still. I like to be doing things. I was not made for rest.
Over the weekend I made a movie. I now have footage for three films sitting in my camera waiting for my editing skills to kick in. Each of these projects waits like a long line of cars on the freeway, everyone trying to get to their ultimate destination but the sheer volume of traffic has brought everything to a stand still. I can't edit the movie because...
The novel is going nowhere. It needs to be tweaked. But the tweaks that I'm now contemplating were not tweaks I contemplated before. Do I really want to do another rewrite? What if rewriting it again is the only way I'll ever get it published? But maybe I'm just stalling? Or maybe I'm scared of rejection and I'm using new ideas to delay the inevitable? I can't rewrite until I know the motivation for rewriting. I can't edit until I know if I'm rewriting. I can't very well seek an agent until I know how much more work needs to be done on the novel. I can't do anything with the novel because...
My website needs updating. Its old and haggard and I've gone so far beyond its capabilities. But before I change the website I have to determine what the new site will look like. Before I can decide what the new site will look like, I need to know what the capabilities of the server will be. Before I can figure out the capabilities of the server, I need to determine what capabilities I absolutely need from the server. Before I can determine those capabilities, I need to figure out what sort of things will be on the website. This is getting me nowhere except for the knowledge that I need a new server before I build a new website. I can't do anything with a new server because...
I really need to buckle myself down and work on Heaven lessons for the youth group. But I don't know where to look. And its gonna be a lot of research. And I'm not a very good youth leader. And, oh, this is all so frustrating...
Gridlock. On the surface, I'm calm and cool and collected. I look like a guy without a care in the world - just floating along. But deep down, under those still waters, a storm is raging - horns blaring, people yelling, overturned apple carts, police whistles, unbearable noise and frustration. I'm drowning in things to do and I can't find a life line.
Eventually, I know, I will be able to move one piece and the rest will begin to flow from there. But, in the meantime, I'm bottled up. I can't think. I can't write. And nothing feels or tastes good. Its like sensory overload depression. A straitjacket of indecision.
The last time I felt this way was in 2001. In Novemeber of that year, I finally snapped out of it by deciding to write my Novel. These feelings are nothing new for me. But they sure are annoying. Something is coming, of that I'm sure, but I wish it'd get here already.
2 comments:
One step at a time, bro, one step at a time. I get bogged down by these feelings of overwhelm, too. Its why I finally sought counseling - because I got so mired in it, I was paralyzed. I suddenly realized that doing anything is better than nothing. Pretend your way through it and eventually, it won't seem so bad.
Its not a feeling of being overwhelmed. If I was going to be overwhelmed it would have happened while I was writing the novel and everything in the world was conspiring to destroy me. No, this feeling is different. Its anticipation. I feel like I'm waiting for something - some piece of the puzzle that will fall into place and then suddenly... WHAM! I'll know exactly what to do with my life.
Besides the Novel, it happened in 1994 when I decided to go to Idaho State and in 1988 when I "decided" to join the Navy. Before each life altering decision there was this period of anticipation/inactivity like a volcano building up pressure. I guess that's just the way I am.
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