Entirely A Work Of Fiction...

No matter what you read, unfortunately, the following is a work of fiction...

How I Would Handle This, If I Could Handle It Correctly
By
Will Robison

"They're going to do what?" I would exclaim with exasperation. "You're kidding me, right? No. Well, I've got to handle this before it gets out of control."

I would squinch my face really tight, concentrate, and...

Startling several high powered execs in ruffled suits, I would magically appear in front of the Fox Boardroom.

"How did you get in here?" they would ask.

"During times of crisis, humans can evolve special skills necessary to solve problems," I would say.

"What do you want?" they would ask, as they called for security.

I would squinch my face again and stop time. Then I would walk around the table to each of the execs and smack them upside the head as hard as I can. Then I would go to the board and write six words... "Stop the O.J., Save the World!"

When I restarted time, they would find the words written on the board and I would be missing. But where would I have gone?

Appearing in the headquarters of Reaganbooks Publishing, I would seek out the Publisher responsible for this fiasco. After smacking her around, I would write the same words on her board, then find the galleys of this book and burn it.

Then, it would be off to Rockingham, or some golf course somewhere. I would find the devil in this matter. I would talk to him, tell him that he was an idiot, and then get him to confess to the crime in some way that didn't allow him to make money on the deal. After getting the confession, the devil would find himself teleported to a small desert island where he could harm no one else and where he could hunt or be hunted by polar bears all day long.

My work done, I would transport myself back to my office, and blog about it.

But, of course, I can't do any of these things. All I can do is not watch, not read, and not pay any attention to Mr. O.J. Simpson.

Stop the O.J., Save The World!