Failure

If the ultimate goal of interpersonal communication is a well developed relationship, I have failed my brother completely. But I don't know where I went wrong.

For those of you who know my brother Dave, none of what I'm about to say will probably surprise you. In fact, for years I have defended my brother against complaints from all comers - telling them that they just didn't understand his idiosyncracies. Now, I'm not certain that I wasn't only helping to enforce a very negative behavior pattern.

The biggest bruhaha blew up about two months ago. I had made plans to go with my sister and her family to lunch, before heading off to my Mom's house for a family get together that we called Disney Day (we introduce the kids to Disney movies and corrupt them with food and love). My brother Dave is not a big Disney fan and so, even though he'd been invited many times, he didn't usually come along. Well, about an hour before lunch my brother called and wanted to go to lunch with me. I told him that I was already going to lunch with my sister but that he could join us. He said, sure. I told him that I would call him as soon as I learned more. To make a long story short, my sister and I hooked up for lunch and my brother finally called an hour later to say that he was caught in traffic and to keep waiting for him. When I told him that we'd already ordered (because the kids were hungry) he got upset with me and hung up. He called back a minute later and said, "And I'm not going to Disney Day either." And then hung up again. Those were the last, more or less, civil words he's had for me ever since.

Since then, three days before our trip to DisneyWorld he called us and informed us that he wasn't going with us and demanded his money back. We told him to go pound salt in the nicest Christian terms we could manage (but then we tried to get his money back anyway to no effect). He told me that he wouldn't speak to any of us again until he got paid.

I passed all this information along and my parents assumed that he was just blowing hot air. But I just spent the afternoon e-mailing and talking to him again as he reitterated (at the last minute again) that he was not going to help out with Basketball scoring this year. He said several rude things to me, made up many more lies, and then hung up after saying some nasty things.

I have tried to remain calm and civil and Christian. God asks us to forgive and yet the Bible is full of stories about brothers who have the darndest time doing just that. I have asked God for the words of forgiveness and healing, but they don't seem to be coming to me. I have tried to apologize, to beg, to plead, to do anything, but I've mostly just met a wall of silence. His remark today, "As far as I'm concerned, we don't have a relationship anymore," was particularly hurtful - as he intended it.

I am angry. I feel abused. I am confused. I am upset with the lies and the attacks. But mostly I am sad. I feel sorry for my brother who is casting himself loose from my entire family for something he thinks I did to him. If I knew what was at the root of the problem between us, I'd fix it - somehow. I want my brother back. But I can't get that through to him. He doesn't want to listen.

So, when it seems that there is nothing that can be done, I can only turn to God and let Him handle it. I ask your prayers for my brother. And I ask your prayers for me. If my heart has hardened, if I am in the wrong, may I find forgiveness for myself and ask forgiveness of my brother. And if my brother is wrong, may he find forgiveness from me and for himself. And may we both be forgiven by God and restored to his good graces. This has laid heavy on my heart for months now, but I haven't wanted to share because of the ongoing complexity of the situation. But now I need all of your help. So please pray for us.

Amen.