Days of Future Perfect - Day Six

If you don't know what's going on by now, I suggest you read like the last five posts. For the rest of you, enjoy Day Six.

The Celeste Prophesy

Its funny how some stories that we make up just seem to come so close to reality. My sister and Andy have been trying to insinuate some sort of fantasy girl into my life for the past several days, commenting on my blog about this new uber fantastic redhead. Things couldn't be further from the truth.

I started my TAC/Disney Day early. I woke up and went for a run along the path between Fort Wilderness and the Wilderness Lodge. When I got back, I showered, shaved, and dressed in a casual outfit and headed down to the lobby for my interview with Carl. Carl took the camera and did a rather mundane interview with me in the lobby - asking me again and again where I was going. I told him that it was a secret. He finally gave up and went off to join the others for a day at the Disney Studios.

After they left, I hopped on to a bus to the TTC and then caught a monorail to the Polynesian Resort. I went to the Kona Cafe for breakfast and coffee and leisurely sat back and enjoyed my meal without any kids, adults, or otherwise to bother me. At about 9:00am, I hopped on the monorail again and went to the Grand Floridian, where I caught a cab to my destination.

I had a 9:30am lesson with a private instructor at the Osprey Pines Golf Course near the former Dixie Landings resort. I arrived with about ten minutes to spare, went to the pro shop to get properly outfitted and to rent some equipment, then headed off to find the Pro for my training session. I'd been looking forward to a day of relaxation as I walked around the course, talked golf and sports with my trainer, and just generally chilled out. Then I met my instructor and SHE changed all that.

The moment I saw Celeste, my heart nearly stopped and I felt myself becoming tongue tied and self conscious at the same time. A tall raven haired beauty who looked as if she'd just stepped out of a Grecian statue, she had a bright smile and a gentle tan and a wonderful laugh. I became extremely nervous.

I carried my clubs to the back of the golf cart and we drove to the first tee. She started asking me questions about my golf game and was surprised to hear that I had never played before.

"Usually, we have people who have at least taken a lesson before," she noted.

I explained that I had tried to take lessons before but could never find an empty class in California. Or Idaho, for that matter. She smiled and said that she'd have to change her lesson plan a little, but that she'd still try to teach me. My heart soared - and I realized it had little to do with learning how to play golf.

She couldn't have been more gracious or patient. 16 swings later, I had driven the ball off the tee an entire 70 yards - nearly hitting a tree... and another golfer. She told me to forget about it and we drove to where the ball was. She then explained golf club selection and how each club represented so many yards potential. She handed me a 3 Wood, I think. I forget the yards. I lined up the shot, bent my knees, concentrated on the ball and swung. Fwack! Doing! Ow! I hit the ball hard. It sliced and hit the golf cart and rebounded right at Celeste, who got out of the way just in time for the ball to hit me square in the chest.

"Are you alright?" she asked, bending down over my fallen body. I felt like I could float, but I just nodded and stood back up with a sheepish grin.

"Sorry." I said.

"Maybe golf just isn't your sport," she suggested.

"You don't think there's a little tiger in me?" I asked.

"Well... maybe a little," she said. "Let's try that again."

I'd like to say that eventually I got it. But after two holes it was obvious that I was hopeless. We approached one lie and I walked over to the ball and said, "Would you mind if we just walked for a while? I need some time to absorb all this information and we could let some of the other groups play through."

"Okay," she said.

We walked and talked and learned things about each other and before long, I'd completely forgotten the lesson and the reason I was supposedly there. I didn't shoot a single frame of video on the golf course. I suppose what came next was inevitable, though I certainly didn't see it coming.

As we walked into the clubhouse I said, "I feel like I've wasted your time this morning. Let me make it up to you and take you to lunch?"

Now where the heck had that come from? I almost wanted to look around to see who had said those words knowing that they couldn't have come from me. I expected Celeste to look away embarassed and let me down easy.

"I'd love to," she said.

"Great..." I replied and I suddenly thought, now what?

Just as I was trying to think of a place to take her and impress her, Celeste said, "Do you like burgers?"

Was this a test? I decided not to lie, "Yeah."

"I know this great place. I'll drive." Which was good, since I didn't have a car.

She drove me to the Beach Club resort and we parked and went to Beaches and Cream restaurant and ordered delicious cheeseburgers, cokes, and ice cream sundaes. It was by far the most decadent meal I'd had since I'd gotten there. I just looked at her the entire time and wondered where she put it all.

"I wouldn't have pictured you as the cheeseburger type," I said.

"I eat the worst things," she replied. "If I didn't walk all day... and jump out of the way of bad slices... I might not be in such good shape."

"Stick with me, kid, and I'll make sure you never gain another pound," I said.

We laughed and had a good time, but eventually she had to go back to work and I had to go back to my vacation. I thanked her again for everything and then, it suddenly got quiet between us, as we sensed that this was the end of our time together.

"I'd like to send you a copy of my novel when its done," I said. It was the worst line I could ever imagine saying, but it popped out of my mouth all the same. You'd think a writer could come up with smooth dialogue on the spot... but that's why we're writers and not actors. Ad libs are not our thing.

"Oh... okay," she said.

"But, uh, I need your number or... uh... business card or something," I replied. When you're really embarrassed you can feel your face turning red. I didn't need a mirror to know I was blushing like a crab.

"Sure," she replied, and handed me her business card. "My home phone number is on the back. Call me before you head home. We'll do dinner."

I started looking around for one of those defibrilators because my heart had surely stopped. I shook her hand and she leaned in and kissed my cheek and I knew I was in full cardiac arrest. Somehow, I let go and she walked away and I just stood there like Midas had touched me, unable to move.

Compared with that, what was the rest of my day like? I barely remember. I joined the others in Animal Kingdom and rode Expedition Everest and Dinosaur and cooled down a little on the Kali River Rapids, but I remained tight lipped about my morning telling them only that they would find out on Saturday.

We stayed in at the hotel tonight and ate at the Whispering Canyon Cafe. The kids really loved it and watching them hop around the lobby on wooden horse sticks started to bring me back down to earth. We went for a swim after dinner and just enjoyed our evening together as a family. I reminded Heather about her Disney/TAC Day in the morning and then I went off to a quiet spot to close out my thoughts on camera about what my Disney Day had been like.

And now I'm finished with the blog. Its strange that my friends and family have been trying to hook me up with a fictional redhead when the reality is so much better. Tomorrow, I will have to get my feet back underneath me and continue this vacation without the thought of Celeste constantly on my mind. Wish me luck.

Celeste - definitely not my type. I'm holding out for a redhead. I've waited this long, I'm not about to throw myself at the first beautiful smart athletic golf instructor who comes my way, no matter what my future blog tells me. I've got to remain strong if I'm going to win this bet with Andy ;) See you tomorrow.

Days of Future Perfect - Day Five

Welcome back to the ongoing RSS Feed from the future - September 12th, 2006 to be exact. As you can see in today's post, my trip takes a turn towards the normal as we finally enter the Magic Kingdom and confront Herr Mickey.

Rolling, rolling, rolling...

Wisely, I think, I decided not to jog today and I think Disney Security forgave me for my faux pas of yesterday. I slept in this morning, exchanging wilderness views for comfy sheets and blankets. Dave has come down with a hacking cough - a mixture of humid days and A/C nights. I've got him on a treatment of cough drops and I've started drinking more OJ and taking Halls as a preventative measure.

We decided to slow down our pace a little - having run ourselves a little ragged the first four days, even though we haven't seen a great many attractions. Today is Carl's Disney/TAC day and the rest of the famdamily is heading over to the Magic Kingdom for a visit with Mickey Mouse. But first, we all boarded the boat for Fort Wilderness Campground and breakfast at the Trail End Buffet.

This delightfully woody campground restaurant is filled with all the wonderful things you remember eating for breakfast, or at least, that you think of as breakfast food (there were no googly bacon sandwiches, or TIC TOC Burgers, or Wheatabix cereal, so it wasn't entirely a trip down memory lane. Thank God!) There were pancakes, bacon, sausage, fruit, cereal, oatmeal, waffles, eggs, omelets, corned beef hash, etc... We all ate our fill and had a delightful meal.

Next up, as everyone else climbed into the boat for the trip to the MK, Carl and I headed through the campground at Fort Wilderness towards the bus stop. Being after the summer vacation, the campground were pretty empty. I stopped and interviewed him in front of the horse corral and then we went and boarded the bus for EPCOT Center.

At EPCOT, we went immediately to Innoventions and looked around the place. This is Carl's thing. He likes new toys and new technology and he was looking around for the latest thing. But after ten minutes he turned to me and said, "This is all old stuff - like last year." I told Carl that this technology was more for the average consumer and that we liked to see things like larger flat screen TV's like the 9 foot outdoor screen Andy bought for his ranch up near Davis - it does double duty as a jumbo tron screen for the little league field he built in the former corn pasture. But I digress...

After a few minutes in Innoventions, I looked at my watch and realized that we had only a short amount of time to get where we needed to be, so I grabbed Carl and we took off to Guest Relations at the front of the park. Here, I checked us both in to the Around The World Tour of EPCOT.

They first took us into a class room with about 20 other guests. We each selected a safety helmet and watched a short film about the Segway vehicle and how to ride one. Then our instructors taught us how to ride. Carl took to it right away - this being his third or fourth time on one. I, on the other hand, promptly ran over my instructor's toe. But, I stayed on - at least until I ran into the wall. Anyway, I was content to just walk the rest of the way, but they made me ride as punishment. After about an hour of learning the basics of how to operate this thing, then we formed up single file and headed out of the classroom and into the World Showcase - which had not yet opened to the public.

They took us around the world, stopping in each country of the World Showcase to talk a tiny bit about each pavillion. Mostly, though, they gave us an excuse to just ride the things to our hearts content. As a tour goes, it was a great drivers training course. I won't say that I didn't have fun, though. After my initial jitters, I was soon riding with the best of them. Don't tell Heather, but Carl was flirting with the CM's - I think he was trying to schmooze them out of an extra pin. Half way through we were able to stop and take pictures and video and I whipped out the camera and got plenty of footage of Carl driving around and nearly running down the CM's. He really does look like he belongs on the special bus in that helmet. Anyway...

When the tour was done and we were given our pins, they allowed us to go back in to the World Showcase a few minutes ahead of the rest of the crowds. We headed straight towards Maelstrom - the backwards boat ride in Norway. And then, as soon as the ride was over, we walked over to Germany and I bought Carl and Brat and a Beer. Our snack now done, we returned to the front of the park and hopped on the monorail for the trip back to the MK.

We joined up with the rest of the family for lunch at Tony's Town Square. Nobody was very hungry after our big breakfast, but we all managed to eat. Carl and I got caught up on what they'd been doing while we were gone - mostly Fantasyland stuff - and now we were ready to move on.

We first went to Adventureland and climbed up the Swiss Family Treehouse. Then we rode Jungle Cruise - which Natalie enjoyed (finally starting to get the concept of rides). After that, we rode the Aladdin Magic Carpets and Natalie loved swirling around and around in the sky and Joshy got to control Uncle Will's carpet. But we pushed our luck when we went to visit the Tiki Birds and Heather and Natalie had to duck out halfway through the show. But Joshy, on the other hand, started talking back to the birds - telling them off for scaring his sister. It was funnier than the show.

Mom and Heather and Natalie decided to do a little shopping, so Da Boys went on Pirates of the Carribean together (ARRRGGH!). We all loved it - though as much as I enjoyed the new technologies on the ride, part of me still longed for the old fashioned Pirates before they started monkeying with the ride. Joshy did really well through the dark passages, but that may have been because Uncle Dave kept tickling him. Afterwards, we went to the Pieces of Eight Pirates Store and reoutfitted Joshy with official Pirate Gear. We returned him to his mother with a hooked arm, wooden leg, eye patch and henna tatoos. Arrrggghhh!

We rode Big Thunder and Splash Mountain, taking turns with the kids, and stopped and had ice cream (which was really the first "snack" we'd had on the trip so far). But then it was time to send the kids back to the room for a nap. I volunteered to take them with Mom so that the rest could stay and enjoy the parks a little longer. We took the kids back to the docks and rode the boat back to Wilderness Lodge.

That night we took the boat over to the Contemporary Resort and ate dinner at the Concourse Steakhouse - with the Monorails sailing overhead every few minutes. After dinner, we waddled upstairs to the Monorail and rode it into the Magic Kingdom so that we could watch the parade and the fireworks show. The kids loved it and it made for the perfect end to a long day.

When I got back to the hotel, I made sure the arrangements had been made for my own Disney/TAC Day and asked Carl to accompany me the next morning so that someone could interview me and film my exploits for the website. But that's tomorrow's blog. Tonight, I'm actually going to bed early. See you then.

Well, that was hump day. Tomorrow the blogs begin to take us to end of the trip. And things begin to take some interesting turns... but that's still in your future. So I'll let you wait to read them later.

A Novel Update

This is just a quick post to answer some questions about the Novel. Hopefully, the next update will say, "ITS FINISHED!"

The first draft was finished back in May of last year. As this was obviously the first time I'd ever written a Novel, I didn't really have any idea what to expect. I thought I'd take a month off and then go back and respell a few words and that I'd be done around August of last year (or sooner). But when I sat down to read the book, I began to notice a few subtle problems with the first two acts. And then I read the third act and nearly freaked out at the large problems that were there. I wasn't the only one who'd read the book and had these thoughts. My Dad has been pretty much my chief sounding board during this entire process, having read the synopsis and the first draft in their entirety.

So, first I had to figure out what was really wrong. Then I had to figure out how to fix it. Then I still had to go through and adjust all that creative spelling and rephrase certain bits to make them sound like they were written in english. And after all that, then I had to actually sit down and rewrite all that. The book was 1155 pages long and that, as it turns out, is a lot of pages to edit.

The good news is that I am approaching the end of the rewriting phase. I have about 20 chapters to go. The great news is that, so far at least, it seems I have corrected all the major problems with the story. Everything that remains now can be adjusted with minor tweaks.

So, I'm looking to put this puppy to bed once and for all in the next three weeks or so. And quite frankly, I'm ready to bury this thing in a lead vault 20 feet below ground and never look at it again. Every word on every page has become torture for me - like the final six hours of World War I, knowing that an armistice is just around the corner. Somewhere that last analogy works...

Anyway, thanks for the prayers and the well wishes. I will be looking for people to read the completed magnum opus in the near future - but not until all the I's are crossed and the T's dotted ;)

Friday Pyramid Scheme Categories

Now that an amateur archaeologist has discovered pyramids in Bosnia, I think we need to revisit some other past historical misconceptions:

Assuming that these blogs existed and have just yet to be uncovered by amateur internet scholars, Name three blog titles from famous people of the past? (I.E. The Da Vinci Blog - Leondardo Da Vinci, etc...)

Days of Future Perfect - Day Four

A quick reminder; Due to a "glitch" in the RSS feed, I have received blog posts from the ICON of the future - September, to be precise. This particular post is dated Sept. 11th, 2006. I hope you enjoy the fourth day of my WDW trip as much as I did.

HELP!

I used to love those wacky 60's movies where the music and the actors were way more important than the plot - our own version of Bollywood. Today, my trip to WDW took a decidedly Bollywood turn as we commemorated the 5th Anniversary of the attacks in New York and Washington D.C. and as Dave and I took off on our second TAC Day.

I started the morning with another short jog. I tried to find a shortcut through the woods, and maybe another jogging route. The one to Fort Wilderness campgrounds is nice, but I hate jogging on footpaths. Considering the morning and the lack of people's senses of humor on a "Day Like Today", it was probably not the smartest thing in the world to do. I got lost in the woods. I was looking for some sort of familiar landmark to guide myself back to the path when I heard a rustling in the bushes. I stood still and waited for what I was sure was going to be some critter intent on eating me to spring out of the bushes. Instead, it was Disney security, and they weren't too pleased with my short cut story.

The inside of the Disney Security Building is cool. I'd go into more detail, but honestly, I think these guys are doing a great job and I don't want to make their jobs any harder. In the light of a new scene, and after a little calling around, Disney Security eventually accepted my story and took me back to my hotel. I thanked them profusely and apologized for giving them such a scare. I have a feeling, though, that there's probably an unmanned flying Mickey plane following my every move now.

Everyone wondered what had happened to me and I made up some sort of story that didn't embarass me too much. Then I took a shower, changed clothes, and told Dave to meet me in the lobby. Everyone else was headed off to EPCOT for the morning, and Dave and I were going to meet them after our little TAC/Disney Day excursion.

Once again, I explained to Dave the concepts of the TAC/Disney Day and then I took him down in front of the geyser at Wilderness Lodge to interview him. Once we were done with that, we boarded a boat to the Contemporary Lodge (That's the one with the Monorail riding through its center). As soon as we got off the boat, Dave looked worried - and he had every right to be worried.

We walked over to the other side of the lagoon - the side that faces the Magic Kingdom and down to the boat docks there. We then checked in at the Flying Aces Paragliding Charters office. Dave gave me a, "Oh, Hell No!" look, but I convinced him to give it a try. Okay, so it probably wasn't such a good idea.

Dave hates to fly, and combining that with a bad back and swimming, just made Dave's morning. But the view from the top of the paragliding arc was pretty damn cool. It was just the getting there that Dave didn't really like. We raced across the lagoon with Dave acting as our own version of the Goodyear Blimp and then we pulled him back in to the boat. And then Dave, then and there, got an evil look in his eye and plopped down his credit card and made me go.

I'll admit to being freaked out. But, again, it was a great view. I can't wait to see the footage Dave shot of me.

After that, I treated Dave to something a little more his speed as we headed off to Downtown Disney and went to the Virtual Arcade. I let Dave make a virtual roller coaster for me and I rode it. I think the thing was like 99% upside down. We played the Virtual Pirates of the Carribean and then we grabbed a quick bite to eat and a slice of cheesecake from the Cheesecake Factory outlet restaurant that was there before we quickly headed to EPCOT to meet up with the rest of the group.

Being a smaller group of just Heather, Mom, Carl and the two kids, the strollers were loaded down with Disney merchandise by the time Dave and I arrived and Carl was grumbling because they'd only been on one ride. We joined them for lunch at the Moroccan Restaurant, though Dave and I only had appetizers. After that, we all went over to the American Adventure pavillion again to honor America on 9/11. There was an extra sense of patriotism today, just like there had been four years before on the first anniversary.

After that, we wandered through the countries and then headed back to Future World to ride the rides we'd missed the first time and some that we simply had to ride again and again (Test Track, anyone). The Soarin that is here is the same as the one in California and while neat, is still not a great ride - especially with the line as long as it is.

This was our first full day in the park where we didn't stop for a nap. The kids were getting tired and cranky by the time Dinner rolled around. We checked in at Canada eagerly awaiting a meal that had been our favorite of 2002 and were not disappointed. Even though they didn't have a chef's special of Beef Stroganoff, I was definitely satisfied with my meal.

Everyone wanted to head home, but for once I decided to stay by myself and watcht the Illuminations show. It was loud, but it was fantastic. Afterwards, I did a little shopping as I meandered back to the front gate. I caught the last shuttle bus from the park and arrived back at the hotel pretty late - having had one of the most complete days I'd ever had at WDW.

I'm pretty exhausted now, though, and I'll probably sleep in tomorrow - which is Carl's Disney Day. At least I won't have to do a lot of walking tomorrow... hint, hint, hint...

Before I go, I just wanted to comment on the excellent blog post Ariel posted today on the early years of C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkein. Fascinating stuff. I can see why Miramax is sniffing around for good movie material. And I'm also glad to hear that R. Sherman has been hired to defend Karl Rove before the new Congressional grand jury. I think he'll be fair and even-handed. Of course, he'll miss the inevitable Giants-Cardinals NL Championship Series, but then we all must make sacrifices for our country.

See you tomorrow.

Wow. Some interesting news there at the end. I wonder what's going to happen in the next four months to make that information come true. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Have a good weekend.

Days of Future Perfect - Day Three

Continuing with my visit to the future thanks to an odd RSS glitch that sent 10 blog posts from the future back in time, today it looks like we take a few odd left turns along the way to an exciting day at Walt Disney World. This post is dated, Septemer 10th, 2006. The most interesting stuff, however, is up front in a discussion about the inner workings of a writer's mind. I hope you enjoy.

WHOAH!

Whoah seemed to be the watch word today. It was the sound made by Joshy when he got to see the lions and elephants up close. It was the sound my Mom made when she realized what TAC had in store for her Disney Day. And it was the sound that escaped my lips when I received an e-mail from Andy this morning telling me that his spy show thingy had been green lit. I haven't even finished the pilot script yet and Andy's already got the show green lit. Whoah!

So, you may ask, what's the problem? Why don't I just pop out a script really fast and get it over with? Well, allow me to explain...

The show is called Brock Lee - International Accountant. Its a spy show. It follows the main character, an average accountant at a large construction firm, who somehow manages to get involved in the high stakes world of espionage. In the pilot episode, Brock gets sent to a Texas Construction Company, called EnWill, for a conference on construction in the Gulf Coast post Katrina (see, its modern and edgy!) and gets caught up in a nefarious plan to separate Texas from the United States. By the show's end, Brock discovers that his wife and two kids secretly work for the CIA and that there may be more to the death of his mother in a tragic blimp accident than he at first suspected. Just the sort of mindless drivel that is green lit before the script is even completed, right? My problem is that I can't write this with a straight face. It's supposed to be serious, but every draft I do sounds like a bad episode of The Flintstones. I can even hear Barney Rubble speaking Brock's dialogue and its starting to mess with my mind. Whoah! I think I'm going crazy.

But since I am on vacation, I can ignore these little insanity trips and concentrate on having a good time.

This morning we headed off to Animal Kingdom first so that the kids could get a chance to see the real animals up close and personal. Our morning was actually uneventful, stopping for breakfast snacks in the Roaring Forks Snack shop downstairs in our hotel before we boarded the bus for the long ride to Animal Kingdom. We arrived in Animal Kingdom and were immediately impressed by the giant Mt. Everest that now climbed out of the back of the Animal Kingdom park. You can't see the Tree of Life from the ticket windows, but you can sure see the roller coaster. As soon as the gates opened we headed with the crowds at a mad rush through the Oasis and towards the center island.

In all my previous trips, almost everyone in the crowd would have continued heading to the back of the park to board the trams for the first ride on the safari. But this time, as we reached the center island, more than half the crowd peeled off and headed towards Asia to be amongst the first of the day to ride the new roller coaster - Everest Expedition. We contemplated going there first to get Fast Passes but then decided that the park wasn't likely to be crowded today and continued to the safari.

This was only the second ride Natalie had been on and she loved it - for the most part. She hated the bumpy start of the tram (it has to cross all those gates that keep the animals inside) but was thrilled when we were finally able to point out some of the animals. Joshy pulled out the camera Grandma had given him and she showed him how to take pictures. Under the best of circumstances this ride is hard on the camera enthusiast because it jostles so much, but Joshua didn't know any better and so had a blast taking pictures. How many will end up being pictures of fingers or sky or someone's leg? Who knows... but probably slightly less than the number of pictures I take that end up as pictures of fingers, sky, legs, etc... ;)

After the Safari we walked through the Gorilla exhibit and watched the Gorillas for a while and the hippos swimming in their lake. Then, since we were there, we took the train out to Conservation Station and let the kids pet and feed the goats, sheep, and pony's at the petting zoo. This place hasn't really changed since my sister and I were there two weeks after it opened - and that's too bad.

After Conservation Station, we only had a little more time for us before Mom and I had to head off for our little Disney Day rendezvous. So we all headed down to Camp Minnie Mickey to watch The Festival of the Lion King show - which is just fantastic. Everyone loved this show, but the kids couldn't help watching the acrobats and saying, "Whoah!"

After the show, Mom and I headed towards the exit while Heather, Carl, Dave and the kids headed across the park to try and ride Expedition Everest. We reached the front of the park and I explained to Mom the concept behind the TAC Disney Day - to catalog the length and the breadth of the WDW experience with my family acting as guinea pigs. She looked worried.

I told her that the experience started right now and I whipped out my video camera and started interviewing her. You'll be able to see all this on my website about a month after we get back from our trip. Anyway, we boarded a bus bound for the Grand Floridian Resort for Sunday Brunch at Narcoosee's. Mom wanted to know what else was on the agenda, but I wouldn't tell her.

The Brunch was exquisite and we were both glad that we'd barely eaten anything that morning. After lunch, I called ahead to make sure that our reservation was still valid (thus building the anticipation) and then told Mom that we had to hurry or we'd be late for her appointment. Mom primped up her hair in anticipation.

At the last second, we turned away from the Grand Floridian Spa and the promise of a nice massage and deep wonderful body treatment, and we headed out the front door to board the cab that I had already requested. The driver had already been told where to go, so I just sat back and watched my Mom's expression as we drove to our new secret destination.

About four blocks from the destination, Mom saw a sign and heard the unmistakable roar of the race car engine and she opened her mouth and said, "Whoah!" In less than 30 minutes, she was strapped inside the passenger seat of an authentic Daytona 500 race car zipping around the Walt Disney World Richard Petty Experience track at speeds well in excess of 150 miles per hour. Her whole Disney Day experience lasted little more than three hours, but I dare say she loved every minute of it.

I swore her to secrecy, telling her that we would reveal everyone's experience only on Saturday - the day before we left. And then we headed back to the hotel and waited for the others to return from the Disney Studios where Heather was going to take the kids to Playhouse Disney.

Mom was more excited than the kids when everyone got back and I could see that she was frustrated in not being able to tell them why she was so excited, but the anticipation level rose in everyone else for their own Disney Day. I also told them that I had a great time as well.

After another mid-afternoon nap, we all took a leisurely time getting ready and heading off to dinner. We had reservations at the Cape May Buffet - a seafood buffet at the Yacht and Beach Club Resort near EPCOT. Two nights in a row, now, we'd eaten rich, succulent, and wonderful food and lots of it. I feared for my jog in the morning.

We were all too hyper to go to bed when we got back to the resort so we walked down along the beach and then returned to the video game parlor for the first round of our quad-annual Air Hockey tournament (Team Dave and Will, once again, crushed all comers!) Then we made our way to our rooms for more mad libs and sleep. I decided to get a drink at the lounge and am sitting here even now eyeing the cocktail waitress as I write this entry on my blog. I can only hope this night ends with me saying, "Whoah!"

In the meantime, I really must consider getting back to work on my first ever green lit pilot script. After all, its not every day a writer is guaranteed work. I suppose I can put a ribbon on a pig with the best of them. I don't know why Andy didn't pitch my idea for the pilot, but then again, it's his money.

See you all tomorrow, the Fifth Anniversary of 9/11. Until then, have a great day.

Well, there you have it. Day Three in the books and I'm already getting exhausted just thinking about this upcoming trip and all the writing work I'll be doing between now and then. Still, this glimpse into the future is pretty cool. See you all tomorrow.

Days of Future Perfect - Day Two

As I mentioned yesterday, a strange occurence with my RSS feed has gained me access to ten blogs from the future. This second part is dated September 9th, 2006. As you will read, during this period I will be vacationing in Disneyworld. Enjoy.

The Future Is Now

As I ran down the wooded path this morning at the crack of dawn for my early morning jog between the Wilderness Lodge and the Fort Wilderness Campground, my mind kept wandering to the e-mail I received last night from my agent, Alice. The pounding punishment I put my body through is extra satisfying this morning because I know that for me, the wait is nearly over. I am about to enter my future - and I'm running there.

After a quick shower, I managed to drag my slugabed brother out of his blanket cocoon and downstairs to the bus area. My nephew and niece looked up at me with the bored nuetral setting kids have when they're in their strollers - like a windup toy that is recharging, lifeless but pulsing with energy under the plastic mask of boredom. We boarded the bus and rode to the TTC at the center of Disneyworld and within seconds were onboard the monorail train bound for EPCOT center.

It seemed somehow fitting that while we were heading towards this experimental prototype community of tomorrow - this perfectly planned future - that I should break the news to my family.

"I got an e-mail last night from my agent," I said.

They were too busy showing my niece and nephew the surrounding countryside. I decided to keep the information to myself a little while longer.

We always begin our day at Epcot with a ride on Spaceship Earth. This was to be a barometer of our day as far as rides were concerned with the little ones. Deciding not even to risk it with my niece, who's only 16 months, my Mom decided to stay and watch the kids while the rest of us rode. Joshua, my nephew, rode with his Uncle Will and he was a big boy, only getting scared once - when Rome was burning.

Over the fire and tumult and looking into his scared face, I decided to distract him.

"I got an e-mail last night from my agent," I told him.

He looked me in the eye and then pointed and said, "Mickey!" As sure enough, Mickey Mouse appeared on a television screen.

Our ride came to an end and we decided that we would repeat the pattern throughout the rest of the day, taking turns minding Natalie while taking Joshua on as many rides as possible. By now, though, our stomachs were rumbling so we headed over to the food court in The Land for a quick and simple breakfast. I had a bagel and cream cheese. As everyone sat to eat, I opened my mouth to tell them what my agent had said, and Mickey Mouse arrived at the food court. My words died in my mouth under the onslaught of screaming toddlers (and my sister... go figure;)

All throughout the morning, as we rode Test Track (three times), the ride in the Imagination Pavillion, The Land boats, Nemo in the Living Seas, and all the neat little gadgets in Innoventions, I was unable to mention my good news. At first, I became discouraged. And then I just accepted the fact that perhaps the future would have to wait a little while longer.

We had lunch at the San Angel Restaurant in the Mexico pavillion and the food was much better this time around, though still not as good as the first time Heather and I ate here in 1998. However, we were all satisfied with the meal. We decided to take Natalie on her first ride of the trip on the tiny El River Del Tiempo. Its a ride that is literally about a minute long and that's at a slow glacial pace. Natalie didn't know what to make of it, but at least she didn't cry.

We worked our way around the world, stopping in China, and Germany (especially to look at the trains - Joshy loved the trains, but it was his daddy that we found the hardest one to pull away). I tasted my first beer in 6 months while we watched the trains go around and around the outdoor city. Eventually we reached the American Pavillion.

Carl made a nice trade off with us - finding the Funnel Cake cart first. He stayed with Natalie and enjoyed his funnel cake while we went in to enjoy what is arguably the best show at WDW. The World Trade Center flag that hangs inside the pavillion entrance is worth the price of admission alone. But the show that follows is a wonderful masterpiece. Joshua remained quiet throughout the entire show - sitting on his mommies lap so that he could see.

We were all starting to wind down and decided that we had enough time to go back to the room and collapse for a quick nap and maybe a swim before dinner. We managed to catch the Friendship Taxi across the lagoon and then walked out of the park and took the bus directly to our hotel. The air conditioned lobby reminded us how muggy it had been outside. And sure enough, just as we entered our rooms, it started to rain.

As we lay down for a quick nap, I said to no one in particular, "I got an email from my agent yesterday."

"Uh-huh."

"She said that..."

But then I heard snoring.

Dinner was at the wonderful Raglan Road restaurant in Downtown Disney. An Irish restaurant that serves sort of modern versions of Irish fare, we ate ourselves silly. Even the kids had a great time. We waddled back to the hotel and climbed upstairs for a game of madlibs - the clean version with the kids, and the naughty version when then went to bed. And finally, the day came to an end.

I discovered that my laptop was portable (duh!) and took it downstairs into the lobby where it was just me, the lobby music, and the gurgling from the water fountain. And that's where I'm sitting now, writing this, and basking in the glow of another Disney day gone by. Tomorrow, we'll be off to Animal Kingdom and the Disney Studios, and I'll be taking my Mom on our first TAC Disney Day.

But for now... my agent wrote in the e-mail that after only two weeks, she'd already received requests from 7 major publishers for the full length manucript. She said this was unusual for a first time author and that it boded well for the novel's success. To me, it means that someone besides myself and Sue liked the book. And that is plenty of success in my eyes. The future is not here yet, but I can just see it on the horizon.

See you all tomorrow.

Of course, when I read this blog from the future, I wasn't excited that I had an agent or that my novel was being seen by publishers, I was just happy to know that in the near future, the darn thing is finished! Anyway, stay tuned tomorrow when this blog goes NASCAR ;)

Days of Future Perfect - Day One

I was trying to get the RSS Feed (whatever that is) working on my blog and I must have done something wrong. Instead of RSS'ing, when I hit the enter key, this blog post from the future spit out. It was dated September 8th, 2006. I thought for sure that it was a mistake or something, until I read the last line. Anyway, I just thought you might like to read ahead a little. Oh, and now that you know what's going to happen - forewarned is forearmed.

My So-Called Vacation - Part One

It's nice to finally be settled in my room here at the Wilderness Lodge Resort at Walt Disney World, if for no other reason than to be away from all that constant political yammering going on in the news lately. But it has certainly been a trip from Hell so far.

With the lingering effects still being felt from Hurricane Jack, we thought it a good idea to check in at the airport a little early. My brother and I had shared a bedroom at my house last night so that we could get to the airport early. My sister's family and my Mom stayed at a hotel near the airport. We were all going to meet at the airport. I lugged my luggage down the stairs to the living room at about 4:30am and then had to lock the dogs in the basement so that my brother could come down - but of course he wanted to take a shower and dawdle all the while the dogs were barking and waking up the whole neighborhood. Needless to say, I was already on edge by the time the shuttle bus arrived.

We loaded the bus and started off and two blocks later I remembered the box of Noah's bagels I'd left on the kitchen table. That was our breakfast, so I had to convince the driver to take us back. He wasn't too pleased with me as I ran inside to get the bagels. Finally, about 5:15am we arrived at the airport. My sister and family was nowhere to be seen.

My brother and I checked on to the flight and then waited for my sister to arrive. I'll give her some credit. She's got three little kids to get up every morning and that's got to take some time - but one of them is her husband, and that's her own fault for not training him when she had the chance ;) They arrived half an hour after us and we all had to rush to get through security. Ironically, chronic terrorist suspect Carl (my sister's husband) was not pulled aside by security, but I was. Practically strip searched for no apparent reason (I sincerely doubt my agent has been sharing the contents of my book with Homeland Security, but with all the revelations these days about what they've been snooping into, one never knows ;) I was eventually reunited with the rest of my family at the boarding gate.

As I passed out the bagels to everyone, my brother decided then to inform me that he didn't eat bagels and that he was promised breakfast. My brother doesn't even begin to wake up until noon, so I knew that logic and reason weren't going to work. I decided to placate him and we ran off to a restaurant to get him a crappy wannabe Egg McMuffin. They were calling the flight by the time we got back and I was not looking forward to cramming a bagel in my mouth before the flight. But it was not going to be a problem as my sister's youngest, Natalie, had managed to get her hands into the cream cheese and "paint" all the remaining bagels with half eaten bagel particles and cream cheese. I threw the remaining bagels into the trash and hoped that they at least served peanuts on the flight.

Okay, people, I've been losing weight now for nearly four months and I still felt like a sardine rolled into a giant tin. Since when did airlines decide that the average person weighs like 100 pounds? You know, now that I think about it, I remember thinking airline seats were small when I was 100 pounds. Our flight boards, rolls out on to the tarmac, and then sits in a 30 minute delay while the kids become more and more apoplectic about the whole concept of vacation. Finally, we took off and in the case of the kids, I mean it. I saw the flight attendants roll their eyes as they looked at my adorable niece and nephew throwing a fit despite the best attempts of my sister and her husband to quiet them down.

There was a brief stopover in Dallas, and then we boarded another plane for Orlando. I only just managed to grab a cheeseburger at the Burger King when we landed. It wasn't on my diet, but hell, it was the only thing I'd eaten all day. I ended up sharing it with my nephew. We weren't in Dallas long enough to see any of the effects of Jack, but as we flew towards Orlando, the damage was visible from the air.

We arrived in Orlando right on schedule. The air was sultry and hot and I thought for sure that that was a bad sign - but the thunderstorms had already passed by for the day, so we were safe. We found our chartered bus driver waiting for us and we loaded all our bags and kids into the bus and were off in about twenty minutes. I was just joking with my sister that now that we were in Florida things were finally running smoothly when I heard the pop and hiss, and we had to pull over. Rather than wait for another bus, Dave and I climbed out onto the shoulder of the expressway with the driver and we put the spare on the bus. Even then, the driver was reluctant to take us the rest of the way. But we persuaded him with an extra large tip. As a result, we missed our stop at the grocery store - which made Heather irate since this was the only reason we'd rented the charter bus in the first place. We were a surly lot when we finally drove up in front of the Wilderness Lodge and disembarked from our trip to Hell.

One look at the lobby of this majestic hotel and the look of awe and wonder in the kids eyes however, made us all cool down and just enjoy the trip for what it was. The check in went smoothly and soon we were up in our rooms with a great view of nothing but wilderness all around. I think Heather had hoped to see the castle or something, but for me, this was what it was all about. Despite the SARS warning about the mosquitoes, I happily stood on the balcolny and just absorbed the nature through my pores.

We went swimming for a half hour before we all got dressed for a quick dinner at the Whispering Canyon Cafe where the kids were already drooping. Despite the fact that it was only 5pm back home, we were all exhausted and ready for a good night's sleep and we came up to the room.

Of course, I had to post a blog since Andy gave me this wonderful laptop for my birthday. Still don't know what posessed him - especially considering what he's gone through in the past three months. Sure enough, as I logged on just now there was an e-mail from him and his family. They've arrived at the Seminary and checked in. Soon to be Pastor Andy still hasn't had a chance to get a DSL account, but says that they're coming by to hook him up later this week. He wanted everyone to know that his kids have been enrolled in the local school and his wife has a nursing job already lined up. He'll be back online shortly. He said that Dan came down to help him move which was really cool, but considering Dan's access to the private jet from his new company, I guess its not as much of a burden any more.

Well, its getting late and I have a whole day of Disney adventures tomorrow to write about and I have to get up early for my jog (Yes, Sue, you task master, I'm running even on my vacation!). I also got an e-mail update from my agent, but I'll share that with you tomorrow. Take care everyone.

P.S. I can't believe the Giants have clinched the N.L. West so early this year! Whatever happened to the Dodgers?

Well, as you can see, that last line clinches it. This must be a real post from the future. I was surprised to discover that as I read this one, nine more blog posts appeared in my inbox - also from the future. So, come back tomorrow, to find out what happens next.

(P.S. You should read the comments from the future as well... but I'll let you add your own. Its hard to believe what happens to some of you in the future... ;)

Bad Analogy

Sometimes a writer can carry things too far in order to get a good analogy. On Saturday, in the on and off rain, Andy Lie and I hiked up a trail at Rockaway Beach. The trail was cold and dark. There were dark clouds on the horizons. And yet, I knew that I had to make this journey up the hill no matter how much the pain racked me. It was a long, arduous climb, but necessary. Because after reaching the top of the hill, I could look out over my life and see a new beginning. That is the way I was going to describe this hike. And thus it is true, from a certain perspective. But a thought just ran through me head a second ago that reminded me that nearly 2000 years ago, another man climbed up a dark hill to reach his destiny and to find a new and better beginning at the top. He, too, was racked with pain, but He also knew it was His destiny.

What makes this a particularly bad analogy, of course, is that my footsteps are nowhere near those of Jesus - thus to equate my soggy pain wracked out of shape suffering up a small hill journey to the one that Jesus made on the hill of Golgotha nearly 2000 years ago would be to stretch an analogy to its thinnest point in human existence. Though I believe suffering to be individually subjective, even I would have to agree that being cheeseburger impaired and excercise deprived and wet, does not in any way equate with that of being crucified. Only the most hyper of hypochondriacs could make that equation work.

I have taken my first steps towards the salvation of renewed life and vigor though, and in that, I am sure Jesus forgives me my bad analogy.

Friday's Resurrection Category

Name three things from your past, you wouldn't mind seeing come back to life? I.E. Sunday Afternoon Doubleheaders in Baseball (not some long lost pet that you really liked ;)

Have a Great Easter!

Crucify Him!

For nearly two thousand years, Christians blamed the Jews for the crucifiction of Jesus Christ. Here was our Lord and Savior, bruised and broken before the people, an innocent man, and the crowd cried out, "Crucify Him!" It must have been hard for people to believe that people could make such cavalier descisions about a man's life without first wanting to hear the evidence, without first considering the man's innocense, without first asking why the man had to die at all. Therefore, without a trial, we convicted the Jews, blamed them for killing Jesus, and condemned them to hatred and cruelty, torture and indifference, racism and genocide. It was only after the corpses of so many dead finally piled up at our feet that we realized what our blind disregard for fact had wrought. The death of one innocent man had not satiated our thirst, it had only made our desire grow that much more.

There is something to be said about the human desire to destroy. In our own lives, individually, we do things that only tear us down. We lie. We cheat. We steal. We know what is good, and we do evil anyway. We fight against this desire. We struggle against the chaos that threatens to overwhelm us. We search for help. We seek understanding and acceptance for the things we've done. But in the end, the human desire will find others that believe in the notion of safety in numbers - it must not be wrong if so many people are doing it. We find ourselves falling lock step in line with them, with their thinking, with their actions. If They say that this man is guilty, then by God, he must be guilty. And guilty people deserve to be punished. We must, for the good of all, Crucify Him!

I'd like to say that we've learned something in the last 2000 years. I'd like to say that since the evidence has shown and continues to show that this mob mentality is never a good thing, we have abandoned this destructive behavior. But the evidence is overwhelmingly against us as having done any form of evolving. If anything, with the reach of telecommunications and the internet into our lives, we have grown worse. We can now instantly attract a mob the second there is blood in the water and sway opinions far faster than evidence can even be gathered. We have become much more vindictive, much more destructive, much more likely to cry out, "Crucify Him!"

So as we commemorate that day, nearly 2000 years ago, where our Lord and Savior fulfilled His love for us by succumbing to our worst collective behavior, let us think on all those people we crucify in our own lives - that we convict without evidence and take pleasure in their demise - from the guy who cuts us off on the freeway to the man who may, or may not, have faked the evidence to send our country to war. If we circumvent justice, or by our very actions cause the circumventation of justice, then we are guilty. And Lord knows, when our time for Judgment comes, we are all going to want the chance to plead our case before a sympathetic jury.

Confidence

I have confidence in spring time.
I have confidence in rain.
I have confidence that spring will come again.
After which you'll see,
I have confidence in me.

Julie Andrews
Confidence
Sound of Music

I see that there are no takers on my sisters blog - Superstar in Training. She tried to give me away in her posting - Brother For Sale. There were only three comments - two from me, and none an impending proposal of marriage. But that's okay. I get it now. I understand the joke.

Nobody likes to realize that they've completely missed out on something. The second we discover that we have been oblivious to the obvious, we smack our heads and do our best Homer impersonation, "Doh!" Everyone else has been trying to point it out to us for days, weeks, months, or years. And then, one moment, the veil lifts and suddenly we see what has been clear to everyone else for a long time.

For me, this moment of grace occured the other night. I was popping pills in my bathroom at night and I happened to catch a sight of myself in the mirror. For the splittiest of seconds, I saw myself as others see me. It wasn't disgust that welled up in me, but pity - as in poor guy, what the hell happened to him? Yes, I'd gone to pot. I'd fallen by the wayside. I'd made myself unattractive. And not in a let's change the outfit kind of way, but in a full body disfigurement kind of way. It couldn't have been more obvious had I stretched my lip out of proportion with giant plates.

You would think that such a vision might crush whatever confidence I had in myself. Or you might think that it was exactly my lack of confidence that allowed me to see my body in such a low self-esteem kind of way. But the irony was, at that moment, I realized that I was better than this.

Nobody likes change. Nobody likes to go off into the unknown, or the known, with the expectation of difficult challenges ahead. For some reason we think that if we let the challenges come to us instead they will be easier to conquer. We let our health go. We push our bodies and our sanity to the limits because we're comfortable. We may sense that something is amiss. We may sense that things are wrong and need to be fixed, but we don't want to change anything. We like it where we are.

Over the years I've discovered some things about change. People recognize the need for change long before they do anything about it. First, they come to the realization that things need doing. Then they figure out a plan to change. Then they wait for just the right time to change. Then they find excuses for not changing. Then they wait some more. Then they threaten to change, again, and again, and again. Finally, something happens to move them off that rock where they've grown accustomed and forces them to seek change.

I can see the changes I need to make. I've seen them for years and I've ignored them. I've wanted to change for a long time. But to change, you have to more than just want it. You have to be dedicated to it. You have to have confidence that you can succeed.

I've had two fantasies in my life and they both seem mutually exclusive. One, to publish a novel. Two, to get married. Fantasies is all that they've ever been. I'm closer to making one of them come true now. I'm no closer to making the other one come true, but now I'm determined to try.

The thing about determination is that it must co-exist with confidence. There can not be one without the other. When I looked in that mirror, it didn't destroy my confidence, it fueled it - because it showed me that my body was rubbish, but that my spirit was still intact. I grew angry with myself for my foolishness and became determined to change. I knew that I had no confidence in the way I looked, because there was nothing to have confidence in. But that didn't matter because I still had confidence in myself. I still have confidence in my ability to turn it all around and to make myself something that even I can admire.

I am now determined to lose my bet with Andy, with all your help. I have confidence that God is watching me and is guiding me. I have seen the light. Now is not the time to consider change; now is the time to do it.

Bliss - Addendum

It is part of my hope for changing ICON that I no longer stand on the soapbox without offering concrete ideas for change. I forgot to include those ideas in my most recent posting. So, here is my addendum...

How does one change the world so that we can be a more sustainable society on this planet? Anthropologists and many other scientists will tell you that it is already too late. The carrying capacity for this planet has already been exceeded and short of killing off half the population of the planet (or more) there simply is no way to keep everyone alive equally. We have become locked in a race against time to see if we can beat the planet before it beats us. I disagree, but I think the changes that need to be made can't be made for the same reasons that we've done them in the past - there is no margin for profit, politics, or power. If we are going to change the planet for the good of all, then we must all benefit and share the burden equally.

Thinking on a microscale first, we need to reassess the way we view our planet. Instead of power being in the hands of the nations and wealth in the hands of individuals, we need to put power into the hands of local communities and wealth in the hands of the world. Instead of a top down approach, where the Federal Government is in charge of everything, we need a bottom up approach where the people tell the government what to do. If anyone should have Veto Power, it should be the American people. Allow each community to set its own standards, within a framework that allows all people to share in such basic principles of life as to eliminate all but the most petty arguments. I.E. The Feds say that all people will recycle. But each community decides how that is actually enforced. The Feds say that all people will receive a free education, but each community can decide what that actually means (within certain parameters). In theory, this is the way it is now. In practice, as money becomes involved, control is maintained at higher and higher levels. You will never hear of a local school teacher absconding with millions of dollars of Federal money, but you will always hear about teachers not having enough money to buy basic supplies like books, paper, and pens. This is a very backwards system.

Once we have turned our world into thinking first of the places we live and work, I think then we need a world government to start thinking of the issues of our human society at large. This planet is too small to carry us all. We need to expand and survive. Mars should be colonized. The Moon as well. And on into the other planets. Technology should be used to find means of keeping us fed, healthy, sheltered, and our environment cleaned. We need to begin to undo the damage we have done before our house falls down around us. We need to share information and rid the scientific communities of people who seek only to create destruction and disease. We need to rid the world of our shadow world of spies and secrets. We need to embrace truth, even harsh truth, and learn to forgive.

We are not all going to agree. There are deep seated divisions in the human race. We create some of those divisions ourselves. It is not enough for us to say our religion is the only truth. No. We must also destroy anyone who doesn't believe as we do. These things must stop. Genocide must become a thing of the past. Domination can no longer be allowed to occur. War must end.

I believe these things can happen. I believe we can turn the world around before its too late. I also believe that these things won't happen unless we want it so badly that we are willing to fight for it with all our might. God will help us, but we must pick up the cross first and bear the load.

Bliss

Science has a theory that flies into the face of science itself. So far, it has been unable to prove that intelligence has anything to do with survival. The theory is rather simple. Despite our human brains being so much larger than, say, an Ant's brain, we coexist just as succesfully on this planet. And though the lowly Ant will never likely land on the Moon, what, if anything, does that have to do with the survival of the Ant population? My own theory dovetails nicely into this theory - we humans survive despite our intelligence.

At the turn of the last century, Anthropoligists in England and American and other civilized countries had a heirarchical structure of evolutionary theory - to be blunt, that all human evolution eventually lead to England (or America, or Germany, or... you get the idea). One part of this theory still survives today in the nomenclature, first world, second world, third world - as if technology was the sole measurement of success on this planet. Though anthropologists claim to no longer believe this structure, opting for a more neutral "everyone is equal" structure, I believe there is merit in the idea - but that the order is reversed.

For 10,000 or more years, native peoples lived on the land in Nevada, Utah, and parts of California. Their lives were not complicated. They would hunt during parts of the year, gather during other parts, stay in family structures, sing, dance, tell tales, and construct elaborate religious excercises to mark the seasons and to pass on the important things in their lives. They had primitive dwellings, not transportation, no doctors, no electricity, no laptops, and no Starbucks. Yet, they managed to survive and remain blissfully at peace for 10,000 years. I don't need to tell you why that ended.

Most animal colonies also live is such blissfully ignorant conditions - eating, mating, and surviving in ways passed down to them generation to generation for millions of years. They have no computers, no automobiles, no airplanes, no ATM machines, and yet, they manage to survive just fine.

In my theory of devolution, this sort of blissful peaceful co-existence with all things on our planet would be the ideal - the goal - and the further we get from that, the lower down the chart we become. By this standard, America would be at the bottom, and undiscovered tribes in the Amazon would be at the top. We would be asked to quarantine ourselves, lest we infect the rest of the world with our devolved desires for more technology, more power, more control, more arrogance, more pride. We would be the ones living on preserves while the rest of the world sought to teach us how to survive on this planet.

We are too smart for our own good. We can't help but fail towards destruction every time. We build airplanes to carry people to new heights, and then use them to drop bombs on innocent people. We create rockets to carry people to the Moon, and then use them to carry atomic weapons of death and destruction. We develop the technologies to fight disease and poverty, and then use it to creat silent, deadly killers. We reach and surpass our carrying capacity on a daily basis. Our technology keeps us alive so we can rape and destroy more and more of this planet every single day. We humans have become a blight on this planet.

I envision a world of the not too distant future where technology has failed. A smog induced ice age may come, or a nuclear cloud, or a human created virus, that wipes out large portions of our population and the weakest link in the chain fails. Chaos reigns. Society crumbles. Our infrastructure is destroyed. Our world is thrown violently back a thousand years, two, ten... back to a point from before we became this pariah of nature. I do not look on this world bleakly, but as a world of promise. With the knowledge of 10,000 years stored and preserved in computers and databases, the human race would have the chance to start over, to wipe the slate clean. Only this time, instead of racing ahead willynilly to see just how far we can overextend ourselves, to see whether we can be the person on the block with the most toys, we will grow and adapt with the planet around us using our technology to live in peace and harmony.

We once lived in the Garden of Eden - in harmony with all the world around us. Food was plentiful. Nature surrounded us. We were free to do as we wished and in command of everything around us except one single tree. Our fall from grace taught us to do many things on our own to replace things that God had already provided for us. We learned to plant crops and domesticate animals, to create clothing and provide shelter, to build and to destroy. We started to foolishly believe that our own intelligence could save us and make us masters of our own destiny. The smarter we become, the less likely we will survive.

If you want to survive longer, turn yourself back to God - go back towards the Garden, go back towards simplicity, go back towards peace and harmony where everyone shared what they had and the survival of one was paramount to the survival of all. Go back. Devolve. Before you become too smart for your own good.

In all humility...

"This is Howard Cosell, reporting to you live from the Sinai Desert where the Israelite slaves have just posted a major upset over the favored Egyptian Pharoah. With me now to discuss this victory is Israelite big man, Moses. Moses, first of all, congratulations..."

"Yeah, thanks Howard. Its great to be here. I'd like to thank my Mom and my Dad, my brother Aaron, my sister, my wife and my children, but most of all I'd like to thank my coach, Yahweh. Without Him, this victory would not have been possible."

"Tell us, Moses, how were you able to accomplish such an upset?"

"Well, Howard, I knew it was going to be tough going in, but I fought and I persevered. The Egyptians played a great game, but you know, I never had any doubt about the outcome. Coach said they'd keep coming at us, but you know, I have mad skillz."

"That trick with the staff into the snake early on in the contest was quite a feat, how were you able to accomplish such an impossible task?"

"Practice, Howard. You know. I'd been practicing that for weeks, throwing it just right so that it turned into a snake when it hit the ground in front of Pharoah. I thought it went just like I practiced it."

"And the plagues?"

"The plagues... I mean, I knew I was good, but damn... I guess that's why Coach drafted me. I really didn't know I had it in me. I guess I really slayed them though."

"Of course, the contest looked in doubt at the end but then you pulled out the whopper of all escapes, the last second desperation parting of the Red Sea. What was going through your mind?"

"Let's put credit where credit is due, Howard. This is my lucky staff. When push came to shove, it really delivered. It wasn't easy holding all that water back, but this staff was more than up to the challenge."

"Now that you've defeated the mightiest army in the world, what are you and the Israelite nation going to do now?"

"We're going to Sinai, baby! Whooo! I'm the King of the World!"

"So there you have it. Moses has led his people out of Egypt and is now heading into the next level of competition, the Sinai. This is Howard Cosell from the Red Sea. Back to you..."

What Do You Want?

In Babylon 5, a mysterious stranger comes aboard the space station and begins to ask each of the main characters one simple and haunting question, "What do you want?" The stranger never elaborates from the question and each of the characters, naturally, has a different answer. Finally, one of the main characters gets frustrated with the same question being asked over and over again, so he answers with a long monologue about what he wants - glory, riches, his empire returned to power, etc... Being a good sci-fi show, this stranger provides all of these things for him - though not all at once and not without strings attached. It has always made me wary of answering that simple, yet loaded, question. "What do you want?"

On Palm Sunday I had a full slate. I had written down several games for the Youth Group to play during our Youth Meeting after church. I finished writing the letter to be sent to all of our former youth for a big Youth Group Reunion in May. I had to rush out to the store that morning because I had promised to provide the cookies and coffee for our church coffee hour after services. I barely got to church on time to get everything done - from setting up the tables to making the coffee to warming up my voice for the church choir. During Choir warm-ups I was asked to recite part of the opening litany for the service which I gladly did. The service went ahead as scheduled and right as the announcements were being read, I slipped out the back of the choir loft and ran downstairs to get the last of the coffee service ready for after church. Then came the congregation and I had to serve them coffee and cake and cookies and then clean up. Then it was time for Youth Group and I had to run all the games. And then clean up. And then I had to rush out of the church to go home and get changed for T-Ball Practice with Andy.

As I climbed into my car, I was rather annoyed that someone had left my CD case upended on my front seat. I threw it over into the passenger seat on top of all the stuff that had been in my glove box and inserted the key into the ignition and checked the rear view mirrors and started the truck and... Wait a second here! I slowly turned and looked at the pile of stuff in my passengers seat and the thought finally dawned on me - what was that stuff doing all over the inside of my car. Then I turned, almost comically, and looked into the back seat and saw the glass that was now smashed all over the inside of my car. I'd like to say that I was very calm and cool about it right from the get go, but despite the fact that I'd just spent five hours in church, a very choice epithet escaped from my lips. Someone had broken into my car.

As I went through my truck putting things back in their place and looking for things that were missing, several thoughts clamored for my attention right away. Believe it or not, I thanked God. Not because I was happy that someone had done this but because I knew it could have been much worse. With all the help I've been giving people moving things lately, my truck was virtually empty - and what had been there had been looked through, but nothing of great value had been stolen. I normally carry a change dish in my car and have been carrying it for years and last week, out of the clear blue, I decided to empty it into my coin bank. So, though my car had been broken into, I had not actually lost anything of value. My second thought was probably the same one you've all had by now, "ON PALM SUNDAY?!" The brazen act of smashing someone's car window in and rifling through that person's stuff in order to commit petty theft is bad enough, but on Holy Ground on a Holy Day - that really takes the cake. But then my third thought swept over me like a peaceful stream - who cares? Its only things. And if these people needed it more than I did, they were welcome to it. I was actually worried for their souls.

We've all done terrible things before - maybe not as brazen as a smash and grab on Palm Sunday, but certainly bad enough. How many times has someone prayed to God about your terrible dark deeds? Prayed for your deliverance? Prayed for your guidance? Prayed for your soul? I'd both like to feel and hate to feel that many people have prayed for me over the years. I'd hate to think that I have been that much of a nuisance, but at the same time, it gives me comfort to know that someone professes a love of Jesus Christ that is deep enough to pray for me and my transgressions against them.

I know I should be angry, but I'm not. I know I should be afraid, but I'm not. It is Holy Week, the week where we all prepare anew to receive God's saving grace for our lives. How can something so trivial upset me in a week like this?

What do I want? (Besides a new piece of glass for my car ;) I want to find the people responsible for this. I want to get alone in a room with them. And I want to forgive them and pray with them and offer them other things that they need. I want to live in a world where living my convictions isn't so hard because everyone lives them as well. I want to make this world a better place than I left it. I want to live an exemplary life and show people the way to Christ - to take up not only my own cross and burdens, but some of theirs as well, and say, "Follow me and I'll take you before the Throne." That is what I want.

Friendly Neighborhood Blogger by day... but at night... ICON! 

Friday's Category

In honor of the posts this week:

Name the three craziest things you've ever done?

Have a good weekend.

A New Master

5 In love a throne will be established;
in faithfulness a man will sit on it—
one from the house of David—
one who in judging seeks justice
and speeds the cause of righteousness.

(Isaiah 16)

The political polls show George Bush to be down to 36 Percent Popularity. Long the darling of the religious right in this country, he has squandered whatever popular support he once had on a disastrous war in the Middle East, a nearly mindless devotion to the security of this nation, unwise political moves, and revelations from leaks in his government into his dabbling in areas that don't need our protection. His credibility is limited. His political clout is no more. He has not been faithful to all the American people. He has not sought justice. He has never sped the cause of righteousness.

After reading this from my Bible last night I felt my anger slipping away and a feeling of joy filling me. This world has become a nasty place to live in the last six months or so. The war is getting increasingly bad. Iran is threatening to spread it into dark corners I don't want to think about. Global warming is finally getting the better of us. My favorite pasttime has been rocked by scandal. It seems that around every corner disaster, calamity, and death awaits. In my own life, it has been a rough time as well. Financial burdens are starting to take their toll - and I never had much to begin with. My health has been neglected for too long. My job is no longer satisfying. My Novel has become stagnant. There has been nothing to look towards - no joy in my life and none yet to come.

But...

IN LOVE, A THRONE WILL BE ESTABLISHED!

Not hate. Not political divisiveness. Not security. Not financial gain. Not demogoguery. Not idealism. Not strength. Not tax breaks. Not social security protection. Not for or against abortion. Not any of these things - but Love. Love of friend. Love of neighbor. Love of family. Love of citizens. Love of non-citizens. Love of people in every walk of life, every financial status, every ideology, every religion, everyone, equally, and at the same time.

How can anyone be gloomy after that?

I've decided to change up ICON on Monday. A new direction, a new look. Gone will be the old gloomy Will. No more discussions of politics and dark places. It will now be all sunshine, all the time. What do we have to worry about anymore? Soon, our true leader will come to run this world and this life. He will establish a throne in love and rule in faithfulness and righteousness forever and ever more. In dedication to this coming ruler, I will now turn over my site to a sunny disposition and a can do attitude.

Come back on Monday and vote for a new leader in your life.

A Message From My Brother

My brother is currently in Chicago under his own recognizance attending a conference of dispatchers (I don't know why they didn't just have a phone conference ;) He sent me the following e-mail. I've edited it for his sake and so that my brother might be able to fly back home again in a couple of days. Please, enjoy...

For better or for worse, I am stuck in Chicago until Sunday morning and am trying to make the most of it.

They have a new feature on United Airlines. Let me segue for a moment: They don't feed you anymore - which is most definitely a good thing. Anywho, they have this new feature where for better or for worse you can now hear the Air Traffic Controllers talking to the pilots. As if I need a self-conscious pilot thinking about how he sounds on the radio and takes my (Since I am there and own seat 39J for the remainder of the flight we can consider this MY AIRPLANE!!!) 737 "HEAVY" and plows it into the back of that Korean Airlines flight where even though the pilot speaks English no one can understand him and they ask him over and over to repeat what he just said. Nothing like juggling 15 eggs and one moving chain saw at the same time is there buddy?

The best part of the whole experience is listening to this one Air Traffic Controller who keeps asking if he had "just spoken to some one" or if he had "all ready given instructions" to another plane? I am a professional dispatcher and in less than five minutes I knew every plane in that controllers air space and had figured out who was where and what their altitudes and headings were relative to all the other planes. This is the man’s job. Would somebody just piss test that guy and toss him out the front door of the TRACOM before he kills someone, like me. I would prefer to just have my mid-air collision and not know about it and be done with it in oblivion. Which as an American citizen I believe is one of my rights.

I was looking forward to the free carbonated beverage of my choice and a bag of stale over-salted peanuts, but no! United Airlines just f***ed me up again. Well, at least I hope this time that they did not charge my brother’s Credit Card again. Instead of my mine. If they did, Thanks for the free flight Will!

Oh! Did I mention that I really, really hate to fly?..A lot!!
Chicago Day 1..14:42 hours


My brother was referring to a little incident with United Airlines that will keep me from ever flying with them again. I don't tend to do business with people that steal money from me and then try and tell me its my fault and to prove that I didn't have anything to do with it and that even if I did prove it, they'd only give me half my money back. When I start my book tour, I'm only going to make one request - send me anywhere, but don't send me on United Airlines! For $180, they lost my business forever. And some day, when I'm on the Tonight Show, I'm going to tell my story to a national audience! Its amazing how cheap bad publicity is!

Vitriol

vit·ri·ol Pronunciation (vtr-l, -l)
n.
1.
a. See sulfuric acid.
b. Any of various sulfates of metals, such as ferrous sulfate, zinc sulfate, or copper sulfate.
2. Bitterly abusive feeling or expression.
tr.v. vit·ri·oled or vit·ri·olled, vit·ri·ol·ing or vit·ri·ol·ling, vit·ri·ols
To expose or subject to vitriol.

I am reminded of Jesus' teaching, "Those who live by the sword, die by the sword."

My mental well being has been tied up in writing for a very long time. I have never been able to express myself in person 1/10th as well as I've been able to do it in writing. Writing is slow and cautious. It allows one to be expressive, and guarded, diplomatic, and poignant, righteous, and wise. I have used writing not only as an escape from a world that has not always been kind to me, but also as therapy. My long standing journal at home, More Later, has some of my best writing and will hopefully never be seen by the light of day, because in there I feel free to write whatever I feel like, to say things that I would never say, to contemplate things I would never contemplate, without fear of recrimination or retribution (unless I should become President and my journal gets subpoenaed ;) In the very first entry into my journal, where I was explaining its purpose to me, I wrote a little disclaimer which I repeat, more or less, here:

Do not believe a word I write. The thoughts and feelings expressed in this journal represent the thoughts and feelings of me at this particular moment and may or may not include any semblance of reality.

I knew then, as I know now, that sometimes therapy requires you to write things that you would never say in order to get out in the open things that you would never admit to yourself in the light of day - a drawing of poison, so to speak. These things are not meant to be taken as gospel truth, but merely as an expression of what you are thinking at that moment. I come across these vitriolic statements in my journal from past years and I think to myself, "Man, what the heck was going on in my mind back then?"

This is all my way of saying that I am sorry. Yesterday's blog post was vitriol at its worst. It expressed a dark side of me - crazy thoughts, feelings, expressions - that I would most of the time never entertain. Sometimes we think things for a fleeting moment and then throw them into the back of our mind and when we are at our brain addled best, these poisons come spewing forth. Well, that was what happened. All the time I was writing that post yesterday, I had this inner dialogue in my head that kept saying things like, "What the hell are you talking about? You've GOT to be kidding me! Oh, shut up already!" But I think Sue said it best when she said, "For a guy who claims to not care about his weight, you wrote nearly 500 words about not caring!" Yeah. Right. Exactly. It was a classic written mental breakdown.

The fact is, I didn't care. I still don't. (Okay, maybe a little ;) This particular vitriol had nothing really to do with what I was writing about. It was a cumulation of a lot of little things - but the biggest part of that is anxiety and fear about the future. And once again, this is a problem based on writing.

If you know any writers, then you know that we are all just a lot of bit eccentric in the way we see the world - we're bi-polar when it comes to the literary world. Our entire world revolves around the way we see it and write about it. The ability to do this and do this well makes the world seem sunnier, brighter, more fun to live in. The inability to do this makes the world seem cloudier, darker, and a terrible place to dwell. I have had three long periods of writers block in my life. Each one was a pure hell to me. Each one lasted more than a year. During these times my life was a shambles. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't act normal. I sort of just existed until my view of the world would clear enough for me to see the forest through the trees (and write about it). The last time I went into a long drought was right after Karen and I broke up. For most people, breaking up is hard to do. For me, it was utter hell. I honestly don't remember most of the next year and a half - except Andy constantly nagging me about the last chapter of Ultimate II, but that's another story ;)

I've been trying to finish the Novel now for almost a year. It has not been an easy year and everytime I hit a rough patch, I start to get worried that I'm losing my ability to write. The longer that rough patch goes, the more anxiety builds up. At points, it becomes unbearable. I usually end up breaking down in tears and really tearing into myself in my journal. These are not nice passages of sunny prose, but dark thoughts and terrible self doubts.

Clearly, this is what has happened. I offer this not as a means of glossing over what I wrote yesterday, but as a way of explanation. I can't entirely set aside the thoughts posted in that blog - so I won't erase them. I did have those thoughts. But I do not own them. They are merely trash from a cluttered mind spat out in the heat of a panic attack.

And now back to your regularly scheduled programming...

P.S. A big thank you to Sue who did not back off but instead skewered me with the truth. I liked your response - especially numbers 1, 3, 5, and 7. I didn't know you could read my mind ;)

The Sin of Eating

When I was a child, I was less than a 90 lb weakling. For most of my first 17 years of existence, I was freakishly thin - so ungainly that I was actually required to take remedial P.E. in grade school in order to learn proper balance (not that I was complaining ;) I was never much of an athlete in grade school. I played soccer and I could run and dart with the best of them. I set scoring records all over the young Viking league, but soccer wasn't a cool sport like kick ball. When I was 7, I discovered that I liked to run and after my very first race (of 7 Miles, no less) I recieved a trophy for youngest runner to complete the race, and I was hooked. From the age of 7 until the age of 17, I ran pretty much every day in some form or another. This, as you might imagine, did not make me any fatter. Being that thin, I was not considered beautiful, or good, or normal, or righteous in any way - I was just considered weak and pathetic.

No matter what I ate I couldn't put on the weight. Really, I stopped caring what other people thought. My metabolism was so fast that if I ate a five course meal, I'd be ready to go running ten minutes later. I remember in Jr. High, where I was one of the five least popular kids in school, we had a pizza day and everyone was supposed to partner with someone. Nobody wanted to partner with me. So, to spite them all, while they were all sharing small pizzas and looking hungry, I ordered a large pizza and ate the whole thing in front of them by myself. I'm sure that only made me look even more like a freak, but, as I said, I didn't care. I ran home after class, ten minutes later.

My diet was tempered by what my family could afford. We were never a live on the streets homeless family, but we weren't much better off. We always seemed to just scrape by with enough money for rent, expenses, and a little left over for food. Which isn't to say that I went hungry... at least not on purpose. There is no amount of hunger that can make Lamb Blocks, Acorn Squash, Lima Bean Surprise, or Googly Bacon taste good. And there are only so many cookies and junk food you can eat to replace the lack of good tasting food. When reading "Call of the Wild" where it describes the affliction of those people who have nearly starved to death, a near maniacal obsession with food, a constant hunger. I never really fell that far, but I can say that for the first few years on my own, I never missed a meal and never missed a chance to eat my fill.

So, what happened? Its the classic story of DNA. My obsession with food and my inability to ever get enough to eat eventually ran into the reality of the genes in my body. Like a carbon copy of my Dad, at the age of 19, my super hot fast running metabolism slowed down. It didn't die out completely at first, but just enough to allow me to start gaining weight. When I graduated from high school, I weighed 140lbs - most of that swimming and cross country muscle. When I left boot camp, I was down around 130 lbs - a lean mean fighting machine. I went off to Intelligence School and in the snow and winter of Virginia Beach, I spent 10 to 12 hour days learning skills for my Navy career, stopping only long enough to eat. I gained 30 lbs in Virginia Beach. In Hawaii, I worked long nights doing my Naval job. I spent my days off playing beach volleyball and racquetball with my friends (Oh, and a little drinking as well ;) But long hours in a building with no windows and the constant fuel needed to stay awake and alert during the Gulf War pushed my weight up another 30 lbs. I was pushing 200 lbs when I left the Navy. No longer lean and mean, but not entirely chubby yet either. I blew out my knee playing volleyball in college. I still managed to play Intramural Basketball, Softball, Football, Baseball, and go scuba diving, hiking, and other activities. I was well on the road to recovery when I blew out my other knee while working for the US Naval Reserves. Things slowed down for me after that. I started hiking in 1998 again and was pretty active with it for years. But then I started the Novel and my weekends turned into descents into a written world. I consciously sacrficed my body for my writing. I gained the last bit of weight I carry during this period. And now I am not just overweight, I am fat.

Fat. Obese. Terrifyingly disgustingly huge. I am a monster, a sinner, and someone who should be mocked and destroyed because of my extra pounds. I am apparently stupid as well. Moronic in my obsession for food. I eat all day, stopping only to sleep, and such things as you can't imagine - whole chickens, five dozen eggs, an entire slab of ribs with lots of extra barbeque sauce, four pound boxes of Sees candies, girl scout cookies up the wazoo, McDonalds for every meal and twice for dinner, late night snacks of Doritos and cokes and nacho cheese by the gallon. I am clearly a sinner and less than human - just take one look at me and you'll know its true.

I can not justify my fatness anymore than I could justify my skinniness before. Some people are just what they are - black, white, green, brown, male, female, gay, straight, tall, short, skinny, or fat; we are what we are because that's the way God made us. I didn't do anything to create my freakish metabolism when I was a kid and I didn't do anything to shut it down either. I have been at both ends of the spectrum now and I can tell you this, my weight is not my obsession. My weight may be your obsession, but your obsessions have nothing to do with me. Where it becomes an issue to me is when it starts to interfere with my love of the outdoors, of sports, and of my life. I was perhaps foolish to let my health go while I wrote the Novel - I will pay for it in the very near future - but that was my choice. Now that I am ready to regain control of my body, I am doing so not out of any sense of being too fat for human kind to accept me, but out of a desire to be active again. There's only so much time a person can spend in front of a computer visiting imaginary worlds with their fingers and a keyboard. However, that being said, and my righteousness aroused beyond reason, I must say that I understand that fair or not, that is the way of the world - and my bitching about it will never change a thing.

It was refreshing to read Sue's comments yesterday because some people are afraid to point out the elephant in the room. She is absolutely right that how you look plays a huge part in how you are perceived in the real world. I don't think this is right and I can wail about the injustice of it all, but it is true. It doesn't matter whether I am kind, or good with children, or smart, or funny, or trustworthy, or rich, or succesful, because all people will see is that I am fat. That is the blunt, honest, truth. And I've known this all my life because before I was fat, I had the exact same qualities as now, but I was too skinny, and THAT was all people saw.

So, I can't control how people will perceive me. I don't even try. I can only control how I perceive myself, and so, as a result, I con no one but me. If I am overweight but don't think of myself as gross, then perhaps the only one who is fooled is me. If I am guilty of the sin of eating, but I don't choose to see it as wrong, then I only ignore what is obvious to everyone else.

I will remain dedicated to getting my body back in shape. I will remain dedicated to hiking again and swimming and doing all the sorts of things that I like to do. But I am not going to set an artificial goal to please people I have never even met because of their arbitrary decision on what looks good. And that is, perhaps, the single biggest reason I will win this bet. If you still think I am wrong, who is conning whom?

P.S. I wouldn't normally blunt my own blog post with an apology, but I'm afraid I must. Its easy to be on a pedastal and write bombastically about justice and fairness and other such lofty goals, but that doesn't necessarily make it right. I am sorry if this posting offends you. I was trying to get you to think from my perspective, but that isn't always an easy thing to do. The part I regret the most about my life is that I used to think as many of you do now. I remember laughing at people who couldn't even touch their toes, when it was SOOOO easy. I have since learned a great deal of humility and am writing this article from a place in the middle of the argument. If I haven't swayed you with my words, or my passion behind them, I am sorry. Please comment and let me know how I am wrong. May God bless you and keep you.

Yo Ho, Yo Ho, A Dating Life For Me!

I'll dress up, blunder,
smile, and look cute.
Pile on me bloggers, yo ho!
I'll wager some beer that
she won't give a hoot!
Pile on me bloggers, yo ho!

Yo Ho, Yo Ho!
A Dating Life For Me!


I'm sorry if I sound beligerent, but perhaps Dan was right. Maybe I am brave for opening myself up to this well-meaning abuse. I will say two things - first, I am not offended. Its kind of like being in a hitting slump - everyone has a suggestion for how to get out of it. Second, it has gotten me to thinking about my "dating" life. I believe that I need to set the record straight a little here.

To the charge that I am too timid or shy when it comes to women - I have thought this over and deny it completely. I may not find a wide range of women attractive, or I may decide that certain situations will not work even before I begin (too young, too old, not my type, married, etc...), but I've never shied away from at least asking someone out that I was interested in.

To whit: Case 1 involves a rather attractive blond Russian woman that I liked. We used to flirt quite a bit. One day she said something to the effect that if I liked someone I ought to ask them out, so I did. And she gave me a startled look and said, "Oh, I didn't mean me." Case 2 involves another rather attractive woman whom I asked out to a company party. She said yes. We went to the party and when we arrived, she said, "Oh, by the way, I've asked some other guys to be my date too. You don't mind, do you?"

To the charge that I am a clod when it comes to dating - I also deny this charge. I am nothing but a gentleman. I may have hooked up with the wrong women, but I have almost always been on my "A" game when it comes to dating. I have been a shoulder to cry on. I have been a dance partner (actually, that was one of my better dates - but my date still went home with another guy!). I have been a drinking partner. I have even gotten people to play Strip Poker. But the outcome has never changed.

Its not that I need internal change so much as that I need to change the outcome. I feel kind of like the perennial AAA ballplayer - skillful enough to play with the major league guys but constantly passed over for someone with a little more pop in their bat. I am not afraid to step into the batter's box, or take my hacks, or even to lose a game here or there. But after a while, all there is left to do is enjoy the sunshine, have a hot dog and beer, and watch other people play the game.

So, anyway, I have new managers now and new coaches. Perhaps my luck will change. Perhaps I will finally get called up. Perhaps I will finally make it to the bigs! But in the meantime, at worst, I've got a case of beer chilling on ice for me, waiting for me to strike out one last time.

I've been thinking... and that's never a good thing.

This was going to be my glorious coming out party post. I was going to rededicate my life to God and to the idea of attaining perfection. I was going to announce my new found goal of putting my life in order - of getting into shape, finding my true love, settling down, and becoming the productive God fearing citizen that I know God and the Republican party want me to be. But then I read something that made me change my mind.

Paris Hilton has been pegged to play Mother Theresa.

You know, I didn't even read the article. And I know that Netscape News is often misleading with its headlines. It was the very concept of this headline that drew my attention. I had to look it up. Sure enough, in the Revelations of Christ to St. Wobegone, I found this: WOE 14: 1-4 "And in this day, a woman of no virtue whatsoever will end up acting as a woman of great virtue, thus blurring the lines of virtue for all to see and forever more. And this shall happen so that you know that I am God and that you are not. This is but one sign of the apocalypse to come - before the blooding of the moon and after the throwing of the syringe. And a fat man shall become thin."

There it is in black and white. Paris Hilton, Mother Theresa - a sign of the Apocalypse to come. These are the end times. Prepare yourself for the second coming!

Will's Love Life, or the Lack Thereof

This weekend Andy and I placed a bet with each other that I have every intention of trying to lose. We were eating breakfast with his kids on Saturday morning after a rain strangled opening day ceremony when the topic of marriage came up (don't ask me how, we're dudes. We hardly share these touchy feely subjects, so we were probably talking about super models or something ;) Andy predicted that I would be married within 2 years and I said, "I'll take that action." A bet was made, though no terms were actually set. This, too, is the way of guys.

I am fairly confident that two years from now I will be no closer to marriage than I am now. I have never understood the whole concept of dating. I understand that there is a scientific name for people who have no interest in sex, one predilection or the other. I don't belong in that category. I am just as interested in sex as the next guy - and for those of you keeping score; with women. But when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex in a romantic fashion, I'm afraid my genes are very recessive in this area.

I discovered romance at a very early age. I like the whole concept of love. I like the idea of being in love. I like the idea of cherishing a partner and wanting to spend the rest of my life with them. I like the idea of not being able to breathe when they walk into a room. I like the idea of suddenly bursting into song at their appearance. I am a romantic. I always have been. But I'm not an outwardly romantic person and when it comes to women, mostly I'm a disaster.

When I was in fifth grade I fancied a girl in my class named Lisa. I went to my Mom for advice and she told me to make a card for her and tell her how I felt (I have never asked her for advice since then... ;) Lisa took the card - didn't say anything - and then showed it to all of her school friends during the rest of the school day. All day long I had to hear their laughter of derision and the looks of contempt.

I didn't even look at girls again until High School. I was just starting to think that perhaps I'd missed out on this whole adolescent hormone phase when I met Erin. I came down with a mad crush on Erin. She was a lot more gentle with me than Lisa had been, but the looks of contempt continued.

Fortunately, right after that, I fell madly in love with Karen, and she fell in love with me. I wouldn't say that that was a normal love affair - but it was a love affair. We stayed a couple for six years, but while I wanted it to become more, she was content with what we had and finally, we had just grown too far apart. One New Year's Eve, she was supposed to come over to my apartment and she never did. I only saw her once more - three months later - when she stopped by my work to explain to me why she had decided not to show up that night.

After Karen, I sort of descended into a deep fog. I was confused about this whole concept of love. And I didn't know what it all meant. I wasn't sure if I was defective. But I was fairly certain that I had had success before, so, I would have success again. There was another girl out there for me. I just had to remain positive and keep looking.

I met Amy a few years later and loved her as a good friend. She helped pull me out of the fog and reminded me that I didn't need a girlfriend to have a life. After that, I went off to college. I dated a girl on the internet. When we met in real life, I got those looks of contempt again. But by that point, I didn't care. All of my other dates since then have been utter disasters - not a one has lasted more than an hour.

So, it must be me, right? I've never understood the whole concept of dating in the first place. When you go watch a basketball game, you see players that have played the game their whole entire lives. They've practiced. They've played. They've gotten to know the game and all the nuances and all of the intricicies of the game. They love the game. Watching a basketball game to me is like watching love in motion. Its teamwork. Its passion. Its scoring. Its ups and downs. Its time outs. Dating, to me, is like the half time show where some unlucky shlob has one shot to make a half court basket for a million dollars, without warm up or practice. You have no idea if he could be the greatest player since Michael Jordan... unless he makes that one shot.

I wish Andy luck on his wager. I really do. The romantic in me likes to be in love. It likes the energy and the entire concept. But the realist in me says that these things are out of my hands. I've never been a masochist and since more times than I can count instead of an intriguing smile I've received a look of contempt, I'd just as soon stay home and watch romance on TV and try to remember what it was like. I don't need the aggravation. But I'm always willing to try. So, good luck Andy. But I think you'll be owing me a case of beer in 728 Days. Sorry. But that was really a sucker's bet.