Going Through The Paces

My life in a nutshell - come up with idea, play with idea, write idea down, repeat. Internally speaking, I seem to be stuck in this endless loop of wisdom exploration. I will have a sudden epiphany and then spend the next several months exploring that epiphany and then I'll finally feel confident enough to write that idea down as tried and tested fact. It can, at times, feel very routine, as if gaining knowledge and passing it on was just my job and not a wonderful gift that God has given me. During these periods where I feel everything is routine, I often get depressed because I lose sight of the brilliance of life. I realize that this feeling will pass and so, ultimately, all that happens is I wander around feeling like I'm just going through the paces until something jars me loose of the rut I've landed in. That's where I feel like I'm at right now.

At the core of this rut is the idea I can't shake that perhaps I'm not doing what I'm meant to be doing. Last night while reading my Bible, I caught myself feeling very ho-hum about the whole prospect of scripture. For nearly five years I've read a chapter of the Bible every single night. This isn't the first time I've thought that I'd be much better served with sleep than with His Holy Word, but the thoughts have been growing lately in frequency and depth. Last night, I actually wondered why I was doing this. Was I reading the Bible because of the story, or because of the word of God? So much of the old testament can be so darn repetitive to me. "Okay, I get the hint, Israel is bad and you need to punish them but not too badly because of the covenant thing and because you're such a wonderful God who will send His son to deliver them and all people." After you reach such a conclusion, its hard to find anything new in scripture. So, I wondered, What is the point?

It's not just scripture where I've been feeling this. I've come to realize that I will never be Paul and, hopefully, I will never be damned either. So, I'm going to fall somewhere in between. What's the point? I'm not going to be the least and I'm not going to be the best - I'm just going to be an average every day Christian, loved by God, and forgiven for my sins. I can't do anything more to please God except play my role, whatever that is, to the best of my ability.

I wonder if this Crisis of Faith even qualifies as a crisis. You never read in the Bible about people with ho-hum crises'. You never hear John the Baptist say, "I'm wondering Lord if the Dead Sea wouldn't be a better place to baptize people instead of the River Jordan." Or Moses complaining about the font used on the Ten Commandments. Here I am worrying about my reason for reading scripture. Yet, I suspect that more Christians have minor questions about faith than larger ones, and to leave them unaddressed makes our religion dull and our worshipping uninspired.

I know the rut will end and I will rebound. Its just a matter of time. The journey is a long one and for every time you pass spectacular scenery like Yosemite Valley, there is just as much time spent looking at the flatness of Kansas. It can't all be peaks. I just wish to be inspired and to feel God's glory fill me up on a daily basis. Lethargy might not be a sin, but it is surely a precursor.