The First Log - Intolerance

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I only just noticed the first log in my eye this morning - it had been making my commutes difficult with this big old sucker stuck there. Perhaps it was the new glasses, or some trick of the light, that finally revealed this honking massive redwood poking out of my eye. I'm not sure, but I'm fairly certain grace had something to do with this revelation.

As usual, it was my ego that pointed it out to me - like it was some sort of trophy. Guess what you've won?! A Brand New Car? NO! A little bit of intolerance! Congratulations! For a split second, before the ramifications settled in, I was actually pleased with myself and my little bit of intolerance. That's just how it goes.

I was driving. I get all my best revelations behind the wheel - usually because I open myself to sin every time I open the door to my car. There was, once again, this slow poke in front of me - one of these annoying guys that waits until the last second to merge (cause, you know, they're in a hurry and you're not) and the second they merge, they immediately slow down. So now I'm sitting behind this guy going 50 in a 65 zone and I'm getting madder and madder and madder because the car I used to be behind is already at work and halfway to his lunchbreak, and finally a lane opens up to pass this guy and what does he do? He accelerates to 70. It used to piss me off to no end, but I've mellowed quite a bit with age. I only cursed him and went 75. But that was when the revelation hit me and my airbags did nothing to prevent this collision.

I suddenly thought, "Hey, Will, the poor guy can't possibly keep up with you. He's a bad driver precisely because he can't see the connections as fast as you can." Which for those of you who are Willspeak impaired means... he's not as smart as you. I accepted this bit of information with pride and replied back to myself, "Poor guy. They can't all be as smart as I am." And that was when the revelation hit me.

They can't all be as smart as I am.

The main character in my book, The Thin Line (coming soon to paperback ;), is a thinly disguised example of my ego blown up to really frightening proportions - I.E. Me, with my ego unchecked. He equates being smarter than everyone with a license to use that intellect in whatever way he can devise to prove his worth. He doesn't seek out a cause for its righteousness sake, but for his righteousness sake. Writing about the idiocy of this allegedly smart character was cathartic - literary group therapy. I thought for sure that I was curing myself of this terrible sin (and its true that I wouldn't make the same mistakes this character makes... but that doesn't mean I wouldn't make different mistakes). But as soon as I thought the above thought, with Pride mind you, I knew that I was still suffering from the same delusions.

I have always been smart. I have always seen things in a way that is clearer than most other people. I can easily make intuitive leaps (not always deductive leaps). The ability to write a book is the ability to simply keep bringing creative problems and solutions to the table combined with the ability to see the world in a way that nobody else sees it. This, to me, is a sign of intellect. You analyze problems and find solutions. It made me a writer. It made me a great intelligence expert. It helped me ace college with a minimum of effort. It has kept me at the top of my game in my career thus far. It is the one trait I have that I can count on again and again to save my bacon. But it has also made me arrogant and intolerant of others with less ability.

I have no patience for people who can't see the obvious connections right in front of their eyes. I am constantly frustrated with these people. During the lead up to the Gulf War 2, I kept telling people - there are no WMD's! He's lying to you! But nobody would listen to me. The fact that I was right is only met in my head with the prideful voice saying, "Of course, you're right! They can't all be as smart as you!" I feel sorry for people who voted for Bush because they couldn't forsee what I saw, that he would be a terrible President. This isn't some sort of psychic gift that I have - its just the use of logic and intellect to take current events and extrapolate them into the future. I.E. Two friends both hit on the same girl - this will end badly, or, Guy into drugs dates girl who thinks she can change his ways - I don't like the odds of this one. Take that gift and play it out on a scale of international politcs and history and you'd be surprised what things you can see coming down the pike. You see, even now, I look to this gift with pride - never mind the fact that I've certainly offended most of you with these last statements. As in, how could you not forsee these things? Oh that's right... You can't all be as smart as I!

The sobering fact of this intolerance, of this log in my eye, is that I am a lightweight intellect and I know it. I am nowhere near as smart as I want to be. I am nowhere near genius level. And yet, these thoughts persist. Ariel is a genius when it comes to making religious connections to everyday things. I envy his gifts. Andy is a genius when it comes to baseball and coaching and he's certainly got the whole career and family thing figured out. My sister is a better writer than I will ever be. Sue has a way of cutting to the heart of a matter that I could only dream about. I could go on and on, but it doesn't help me remove this log.

I'm sure, given time, my intellect could device some means of removing the log. Perhaps a fulcrum or special tweezers or some such. But, of course, I already know the simplest way to remove it is to humble myself, to get over myself, to use my gifts constructively to build up others and not look down my nose at them. As I've said many times before, I con no one but myself. Yet, knowing that and doing something about it are too very different things. Occassionally its good to look inward and see those things that obscure our vision, but its not always an easy thing to live with.

And so, I acknowledge my sin and pray for your's and God's forgiveness, and strive to be a better person. Ultimately, no matter how smart I am, that is all I can do.