What now?

It took me a little over 4 years to finish writing two drafts of the synopsis and two drafts of the Novel. The last time I finished a project was in the spring of 2001. It took me until November of that year to come up with the idea of writing The Thin Line (and even then I wasn't entirely convinced until after I had finished the Synopsis a year later). Four years is a long time.

I graduated from Idaho State University in two years. I graduated from Jr. High in three years. I was on active duty in the Navy for three years (I only lived in Hawaii for two years). High School was four years. Three years at City College of San Francisco. Six months in Las Vegas. Granted, in terms of jobs, all of the companies I've worked for I've had more than four years now - except Super Shuttle, but that was seasonal employment. The point is, four years is a big chunk of time.

What now? Its easy to look at short term goals. There were a lot of projects I put off to the side while I was writing. I have a store ready for my website that is approximately 25% done. I have a website that has been languishing for three years (though my bag of tricks has grown). I've been meaning to take up the Saxophone. I've got all those pounds to work off (which begins today after a weekend splurge that made me sick - sometimes you have to become a jackass before you can see that Pleasure Island is not good for you ;) I've got a lot of people to see and places to go that I've ignored or delayed. I still have Christmas presents to deliver and birthday presents to buy. T-Ball isn't done with yet. There's an entire youth group summer to plan and a Youth Reunion Dinner to execute. I've got a thousand little projects that need doing. But there is no big picture.

I remember now how antsy I got in the summer of 2001 when I had finished my last project. The thought of a new project consumed me. I drifted from one idea to the next always trying to develop the next goal, the next step on the rung of my ladder of success. All I can say is, the idea is probably right in front of me now, but I can't see it. That thought is encouraging for one reason.

I was driving to work today and I was thinking up various different project ideas (as I've been doing since midnight on Thursday when I wrote The End) and it suddenly occurred to me that the one person that knew what my next project to be had yet to be consulted. I prayed, "God, its all fine and dandy for me to sit here and think up project after project, but what do YOU want me to do?" The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I've been facing this quandry the wrong way again. I always let this anxiety build and it drives me crazy and then WHAMMO! the next project just appears to me one day and I know its the right one. I don't know how I know, I just do. And then I go after that next project with everything I've got.

I can't imagine why God wanted me to write The Thin Line. Perhaps, He didn't particularly care what I wrote, so long as I wrote something. My sister mentions the fact that if she hadn't been dating this real loser, she never would have met her husband. Perhaps, when God wants us to do things that seem contrary to our own health or the health of others, it is for our own growth. The fact of the matter is, it doesn't matter. I wrote it and I never once questioned the idea that it was the right thing to do. And whatever is the next step on my journey, if God has His hand in it, I will know that it is the right thing to do.

So, for now, I will try to live each day without anxiety. I will simply go backwards checking things off my to do list until God decides to reveal His next step to me. And then I will embrace that new goal and charge off in a new direction. Until then, I've got to figure out a way to keep weeding and gutter cleaning as far down on my list as possible ;)