Once upon a time there was a morally bankrupt President of a large animation company where dreams came true (only not those dreams - those far inferior dreams that didn't pay him his money - those dreams that were meant to be mocked incessantly at the expense of entertainment). For the sake of abruptyness, we'll call him Jiffy Kidsinbank.
One day, Jiffy was strolling through the internet looking for new ideas for animated films that he could totally use to bash those other dream makers (the ones with the original and creative ideas that he hated so much) when he came across a young blonde harlot being consumed by bears.
Ah ha! He exclaimed. I know what I shall do. I shall use this young harlot's story as a new vehicle for being edgy and cool and for blasting away at those other dream makers who aren't nearly as good as I am. I shall turn her story into an animated film.
And so, after casting around for a writer and finding none, he decided to write the story himself in order to ensure the maximum profit and creative bankruptcy. He called the movie, Goldilocks and the Three Blogposts. And the highlight of the movie is a song called The Blogging Song.
In an ICON exclusive, I've actually managed to pirate the song lyrics and shall post them here:
The Blogging Song
We blog blog blog blog blog blog
blog in our mind the whole
day through
To blog blog blog blog blog blog
blog is what we like to do
It ain't no trick to get
rich quick
If you blog blog blog with a laptop or a PC.
Its all mine! Its all mine! Its all
mine! Its all mine!
Where a million
good thoughts die!
We blog blog blog blog blog blog
blog from early morn
'til night
We blog blog blog blog blog blog
blog about everything in sight
We blog up diatribes by
the score
A thousand postings
sometimes more
But we don't know what
we blog 'em for
We blog blog blog a-blog blog
Hey-ho, hey-ho
hey-ho, hey-ho
hey-ho
hey-ho, hey-ho
You comment from afar
(whistle)
hey-ho, hey-ho
hey-ho
hey-ho, hey-ho
I am a blogging star
(whistle)
hey-ho, hey-ho
hey-ho
hey-ho, hey-ho
(whistle)
hey-ho, hey-ho
hey-ho, hey-ho
hey-ho, hey-ho
hey-ho hum
hey-ho, hey-ho
Its off to blog I go
(whistle)
hey-ho, hey-ho
hey-ho
hey-ho, hey-ho
My traffic doesn't flow
(whistle)
hey-ho, hey-ho
hey-ho
hey-ho, hey-ho
I'll write all I know
(whistle)
hey-ho, hey-ho
hey-ho
hey-ho (until faded out)
This is sung by the evil blogmaster (the villain of this film) who is out to get Goldilocks by forcing her to sell all that she owns in order to afford a single day's park pass at a theme park run by a certain group of former colleagues.
Of course, there are smart alec quips from Mike Myers and Jack Black, and a gratuitous chase scene with score by Danny Elfman, and loads and loads of merchandise to be bought at Burger King. And at the very end, the villain, voiced by Bruce Willis, jumps off the roof of the Yasutomo tower with a machine gun and yells, "Rumple$!$&!^, B***h!"
The End
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