Signs of the Apocalypse #2

Its often the small things that should scare us (unless we have our eschatalogical ducks in a row, of course). So while you might, like me, be terrified of the recent Duran Duran sighting at Wembley Stadium yesterday and wonder whether this might be a sign of the apocalypse, no, you'd be wrong. The more terrifying thing, the most insidious threat to our security and to life as we know it, is much smaller. It is, in fact, bacon - only not bacon as anyone would have qualified it five years ago.

I am talking about the sign of the devil - microwavable bacon. Although this alleged benefit to the cuisine of humankind has been deemed perfectly safe by the FDA, I would beg you to reconsider for the sake of your soul. The Bible says pig is bad to begin with. What do you think the OT would say about pig that has been somehow created in a lab to be microwavable safe? Its an abomination.

It looks like bacon - it tastes somewhat like bacon - but it is not bacon!

Now you're probably wondering why I am freaking out about this. After all, you say wisely, why not just buy regular bacon if its such a big deal? Nobody is forcing me to have this satanic microwaveable product, are they? Well, that's what makes this threat so insidious!

First, I noticed it on a Bacon cheeseburger. Okay, McDonalds is not known for its haute cuisine. I can understand that. It doesn't change the fact that they're charging 80 cents per slice of bacon, but that's neither here nor there. I didn't like it, but I can live with it. But, then, within a week, I got microwaveable bacon at Denny's! DENNY'S! That's Un-American, I tell you! But yesterday was the final straw! I ordered a Hawaiian Pizza and it came with Ham, Pineapple, and several strips of microwaveable bacon on top (not crumbled bacon bits like there should be!) This literally made the pizza unappetizing. And unappetizing pizza is like one of the cardinal sins in my book!

So, you see, this threat is spreading. Soon, there won't be a single piece of real bacon left anywhere on the planet. Don't believe me? Have you seen how hard it is to find a regular box of MacNCheese lately - one that isn't microwavable crap?

Fight microwaveable bacon! Its not only patriotic, its a moral responsibility! Buying microwaveable bacon supports the terrorists!

Here endeth the sermon!