The Worst Idea For A Romantic Comedy...

Upon leaving the Navy, I was all set to get my life started. I returned to my San Francisco home (now in Pacifica) and my fiancee and got ready to start college and get a job. Shortly after arriving home, I moved into an apartment with my good friend and fellow Navy buddy, Jay.

During the next six months, I had the sorts of adventures and life-changing moments that you see in hundreds of coming-of-age college type movies. Parties, women, crappy jobs, college, sports, and all sorts of crazy exploits surrounded me and my eyes were definitely open and my brain was definitely recording.

At the end of these six months, however, my fiancee dumped me and I was so heartbroken that I decided I'd rather live at home and spend money on a car rather than rent. As it turned out, my friends parents wanted to move back from New Hampshire - so they simply reoccupied the apartment that they had left for my friend and I.

It wasn't until a few years later, however, that I started looking back on this period with a sort of nostalgia. The heartache was still there, but the other events that happened during those six months were almost the stuff of legend. Certainly, I thought, they would be good fodder for a movie script. I began developing this idea for an autobiographical story that would be this romantic comedy.

Except that in real life, I was dumped. And miserable. Mixed feelings about this period aside, I began to play with ideas for a story.

And play.

And play.

And play.

A few years passed (Okay, more than ten, less than twenty... so far) and I started back to film school. After a rather successful attempt at making a horrible movie, I started thinking about the subject of my next film. The idea came back to me. I still hadn't figured out how to tell a romantic comedy where the main character gets horribly dumped and spends most of the movie moping around, but I started really developing the idea further.

Development always stopped however when it came time for my character to get dumped. It wasn't that the pain of being dumped had somehow inhibited my ability to write after all these years, it was more the fact that it was just so depressing of a story development that there was no amount of cool stuff that could overcome this momentum killer.

I pretty much gave up on the idea as a lost cause. But three weeks ago, in a moment of pure, brilliant insight, I suddenly realized that by moving some of the events around, by changing the actual event's orders, I could alter the momentum just enough to launch the story properly. Being certain that it had to be a mirage and that once I started writing I would realize that it couldn't possibly be that simple, I sat down on August 25th and started writing.

Last night, I finished the movie script. It took me three weeks to accomplish what it took me fifteen years to think about. The script isn't perfect, yet, but its a lot better than it has any right to be. I have finally succeeded in writing a romantic comedy about the end of my long standing relationship.

And I even managed to keep some of it still based in reality.

Oh... and best of all... No Star Wars references, whatsoever.

Free Speech? Really?!

I know this might seem reactionary, but I've been letting this storm brew in my head ever since I heard about this a couple of weeks ago. It was stupid then. It's even more moronic now that plenty of peers have weighed in on the idea and they all think its a bad idea, and the guy is going ahead with it anyway.

I'm talking, of course, about burning the Quran. Look, here's my point, plain and simple. If you're a Christian Pastor and you have to defend your action by saying that Constitution supports your right to do something, then you're probably NOT doing what God wants.

There is free speech and there is Christian speech and the two aren't always the same thing. If you want to come out and say that Abortion is bad - I may disagree with you, but I respect your right to say it. And I imagine, God respects you for saying it as well. But if you want to ATTACK someone with your "free speech" then you are NOT being Christian whether the Constitution supports your right to do so or not.

What part of Love your Neighbor is not clear? What part of Do Unto Others As You'd Want Them To Do Unto You is murky?

You are a Christian Pastor. You are called to a higher standard than the U.S. Constitution. You have the right to burn a Quran as an American, but you don't have the right to do it as a Christian. In fact, you have no right to do this and call yourself a Christian. This is Hate Speech and a Hateful Act. And to say that God wants you to do this, well, you need to go back and take a few theology courses, buddy. You are like a little kid hitting your sister and then saying, "Dad told me I could."

Sorry, but there are not many things that I see as absolutely wrong. This is one of them. There is nothing you can say or do that justifies your actions.

Sorry, Stephen Hawking, but you're wrong...

It's funny about the timing of some things. I just had this revelation two days ago and I've been mulling it in my head, trying to figure out how to phrase it. Then the news breaks today that noted physicist Stephen Hawking has decided that physics alone can explain the universe and that God is not needed. Well, quite frankly, he's wrong, and I can actually prove it using scientific theory.

This is a bit convoluted - which is why I was trying to figure out a correct way of phrasing it - but I'll give it a shot.

The Big Bang theory suggests that at some point roughly 40 billion years ago (give or take) the Universe existed as a single point without space or time. For whatever reason, this point then exploded with enough force to create the entire universe out of hot gasses and matter. My knowledge of physics here is a bit shaky, but I will concede the fact that the Big Bang did occur. The issue is whether the Big Bang occurred randomly as Stephen Hawking contends or whether God was its instigator.

Here is the gist of the problem with Stephen Hawking's idea. His theory is that the universe was created randomly - that the laws of physics clearly show that such a thing is possible and that, therefore, it must have happened that way. However, if the Universe was created randomly, it could have also NOT been created randomly. Random events are, well, random. They happen, or they don't. But in the only example that we have (our universe), the event DID happen. The Universe was created. And as a result we are here to speculate about whether the universe could be created. If the universe wasn't created, we wouldn't be here to speculate about whether it could happen. Therefore, we have a determinate outcome - the Universe WAS created. It does have a reason for existing. If it has a reason for existing (even if that reason is only so that we can say that the Universe does exist) its creation could not be random.

Think of this theory as a giant cosmic version of I Think, Therefore I Am.

By Stephen Hawking's rationale, there were two possible outcomes to the Big Bang - that it occurred randomly, or it didn't occur randomly. But obviously it did occur - the mechanics of which are not important to the discussion. Science clearly dictates that any fact must be repeatable scientifically. The Big Bang has not been repeated. Anywhere. So, the big idea that a universe could just form randomly has yet to be shown and can't be repeated. Also, the idea that the universe could NOT just form randomly has also yet to be shown and can't be repeated.

The problem with science is that it must, by its very nature, explain everything. Some things don't have explanations - no matter how much science wants to come up with one. If the universe could just randomly appear, it could also just randomly not appear - in which case this blog would have a seriously small audience. Since the universe is here, especially in light of the fact that the science shows that the universe is not a foregone conclusion, doesn't that argue for the fact that there is a reason the universe exists? If there is a reason for its existence, someone must have determined what that reason is. The idea that all of this is just here, with no grand scheme or design, is much the same argument you might have with yourself when you say, "What if I don't really exist?" What if you don't? Then your argument doesn't matter. If the universe was created for no purpose, completely randomly, then anything we discover about it, or about ourselves, also has no purpose. We exist randomly. We have no meaning, no purpose. We might as well not exist - because in the end, its just a different toss of the dice.

Another Darn Historical Day

That's right, its Another Darn Historical Day in America. It seems that the news media has just discovered that the government (read here: Democratically controlled government that can't fix the economy even though they've had 18 whole months because its run by a Muslim Facist who can't even produce a quality fake birth certificate) can spy on Americans by tracking their movements on their GPS devices. The media can't say whether the government would actually do such a thing, but I mean come on... these guys want to control EVERYTHING!

Every time I think America is beginning to learn to think for itself, I see something like this in the media. Its not that this information is untrue. It is true. Every last word of it. The only thing left out of the story is that GPS has been around for more than 25 years now and the capability to track objects with GPS has been around just as long. But knowing that information would require two things - an attention span longer than about ten minutes and some knowledge of the world greater than that offered by the news media. Either America is no longer interested in the rest of the world or just doesn't care. Either way, look around and see the results.

I am not terribly enamored with the Obama administration right now - but I'd like to be able to judge the guy on his own merits. Instead I feel like an adult caught in the middle of a fight between two five year old kids. "You started the Depression." "NO, YOU DID!" "NO WAY! YOU STARTED IT WITH YOUR POOH POOH BREATH!" "NO, YOU STARTED IT WITH YOUR COOTIES!" And this is the professional media that seems to be slinging this hash around like it was news - hell of a lot more entertaining than actually digging up real news stories I guess.

Neither political party is perfect, neither is entirely to blame - yet everyone involved with running this country should be ashamed of themselves. This is the Greatest Country on Earth - and we look like idiots right now. If Obama gets bounced in two years, it'll mostly be for that reason. Instead of reacting to the stupid baiting actions of his immature political rivals, he should be showing their actions for what they are and ignoring their insipidness. Its okay to want to have inclusion in your government, just make sure that the guys you're including aren't complete morons. Anyone responsible for the mess we're in now need not apply.

But ultimately, the fate of this country isn't up to Obama, Pelosi, Boehner, Palin or the Mad Hatter - the fate of the United States is ours. We're the ones who have to demand more of our leaders. We're the ones who have to tell them to stop all the fear-mongering, name calling, and stupidity, and go get us jobs. I'm not against the rise of a new political party, but I don't want a Tea Party that is even more broken politically than the two Parties that it hopes to replace. What we need is a new leadership that will get the job done even if it has to make some hard choices and compromises for the good of the American people.

So, people, you can sit in your homes because you're afraid the government is tracking you with GPS, or you can start telling your leaders that enough is enough. We want real reform. The kind you can see. The kind you can taste. The kind that puts people back to work. (If it don't affect your bottom line, does it really matter?) Not more speeches about how great they are and how evil the other party is. Reform. Change you can sink your teeth into.

Jobs

The biggest thing about poverty is that people tend to focus on the fact that someone who is poor doesn't have enough money, as opposed to the fact of why that person doesn't have enough money - education, lack of a good job, health, etc... As a result, many of our efforts to stem the tide of poverty are focused on getting poor people more money and not on helping poor people overcome the things that caused them to be poor in the first place.

If you look at the current policies in place here and abroad, you will see that we are generally focusing on the wrong things. Our health care bill, while addressing the issue of health as a means for creating poor people, left out the fact that health care costs are much higher than they should be. You can't solve a problem of making poor people healthy if you make people rich off the health of the poor. Its not a sustainable policy. Health has to not only be available to all people, it has to be affordable to all people as well. Same thing with all these bailout initiatives being thrown around. They end up saving large companies from going bankrupt, but do nothing to create jobs, help educate people, save health care benefits, etc... We'd rather throw money at unemployment benefits than use money to create lasting employment of people.

I think where this issue can really be seen is in the new proposal by the 50 top billionaires to give away half of their money to charity. I think that's an admirable goal and I won't even mention how they got that money to begin with. However, the idea, while great, is wrong and won't actually do anything to help poverty in this world. It would be far better, for instance, to use that money to create jobs doing things that were previously considered impossibly too expensive.

As an example, Africa needs roads. African people need jobs. Put that money into road building projects throughout Africa. Build their infrastructure at no expense to Africa. Hire Africans to do the labor. At the end of all that money, Africa's economy will be far more robust than it would have been had you just thrown money at charities and they'll have new infrastructure in place for many years to come.

The same could be done here. I know that there are many initiatives on the books by the Obama administration. Its time to start fast-tracking them. Americans need jobs. Take the first 52 projects that are off the shelf and fund them. One a week. Each project should hire at least 1000 Americans and pay them a decent wage. If that doesn't work, double it, or quadruple it. Let's rebuild our own infrastructure. Let's upgrade our energy distribution network. Let's rebuild some of those nature trails.

Let's put money in education that doesn't come with strings attached. School teachers working is a hell of a lot more important than school reform. How about school nurses? And new gymnasiums? If you're really serious about getting obese kids healthy, how about spending some money on gym teachers and gyms?

America needs to let go of the last twenty years of bi-partisan bickering and start taking its problems seriously. I say this as a Democrat with a Democratic Majority - we Americans are tired of all the infighting and backstabbing and name-calling. Its not important whether Obama was right or wrong about some Mosque in New York - he was wrong to have even mentioned the subject. Our problems are much greater than that. Put people to work and they'll have no time left for tea parties or Quran burnings or isolationist politics.

Oh, and we need to put people on Mars... but that's the subject of another post...

Somewhere along the road...

One of those things that can't be taught to writers but that has to be experienced is the moment when your story first comes to life.

A writer will think up a story and imagine it in its finished glory. He was do the research and create the characters. He might write a synopsis or take notes. And then he will start writing - long, laborious nights in front of a keyboard imagining everything in a story from setting to dialog to action to motivation. This is the hardest stretch for a writer because the story is all work at this point.

But at some point, there is a subtle shift. You see a moment that you hadn't seen before - a change in a line of dialog or a character doing something that you hadn't imagined them doing. You write the words and voila, suddenly the story is vastly improved and much clearer - like you've reached a summit and can see the entire world before your eyes. It doesn't mean you don't have to keep working, but the path is all downhill from that point.

The story comes alive. It's characters start to breathe, to suggest words and actions to you. As a writer, you had trouble before remembering what came next in the story - you constantly referred to your notes - then, like a light switch being thrown, you now know the whole story, all the characters, and how they will face each challenge you throw at them.

The next step in the process is my absolute favorite - its the point where you have to tell your characters to shut up so that you can finish the story. Your characters will continue pounding your brain for bigger scenes, greater dialog, and grander and more glorious finishes. It makes for fun speculation, like fans at a Comic Book convention arguing over who would win a fight between the Millennium Falcon and the USS Enterprise, but it doesn't necessarily make for a good story. At some point you have to remember that you are the writer and they are the characters and that you are in charge. Such is the problem when your independent creations take on lives of their own.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good about my story right now. The heroes have moved on from Saipan. If you'd like to know their next destination, you can keep track of it on my facebook page by checking to see where I currently reside.

(For the rest of you, here's a little homework... its July, 1937. You're in Saipan. Where would you go next, nearby to Japan, where some sort of historical turmoil is about to break out. HINT: The answer is worth an awful lot of tea.)

How do you solve a problem like Judas?

I just finished all the monologues for a play I'm writing for Holy Week. In my take on The Last Supper I have each of the disciples arriving for the meal and, at some point, delivering a monologue to the audience showing their innermost thoughts about Jesus, their journey, and what they believe is about to happen. The first eleven disciples showed varying degrees of difficulty related to what research I could do on them and the various inner monologues that I was giving them. (My favorite is Nathanael/Bartholomew.) But today, after nearly two months working on this project, it was my turn to tackle the 12th disciple - Judas.

There's not much known about Judas prior to the Last Supper. He was one of the twelve disciples. John accused him of stealing from the group's purse (He was supposedly their treasurer). And Judas had that famous exchange with Jesus about the price of perfume that was used to anoint his feet - the one where Jesus said, "The poor will always be amongst us." That's really about it.

We do know, of course, that Judas took the 30 pieces of silver from the priests, betrayed Jesus with a kiss, and afterwards knew that he was cursed and hung himself from a tree. Ironically, it was here that I started in my quest to unlock what Judas might say in the moments leading up to his betrayal.

Had Judas merely been evil, Jesus' arrest and death would not have made Judas commit suicide. This was no Thelma and Louise style self-sacrifice - Judas wasn't surrounded by cops and decided to kill himself rather than face the music. On the contrary, Judas might have been regarded by some people in the establishment as a hero - the man who finally rid them of Jesus. No, Judas felt guilt - the kind of guilt so terrible that it makes you wish that you were dead. He realized, too late, that he had betrayed his friend and killed him.

So, back up. Judas knowingly took 30 pieces of silver. He knowingly kissed Jesus. And only after the fact did he have guilt about it? What was Judas thinking?

When I wrote my first novel I had to go to some pretty dark places. How does one write a rape scene, for instance, from the point of the view of the rapist? Its not an easy thing to do. I discovered that the only way into such a scene was to approach it from my own point of view and then skew it so far out of whack that I could imagine myself doing that horrible thing. In the case of the novel, I had to take an idea of lust and give it steroids to the point that the rage and the anger and the passion all combined to make this character rape another character. It was a very dark thing to write and it was a very hard thing to imagine. After writing that scene, I knew that I wanted nothing more to do with stories that dark again.

The reason I mention this is that I had to somewhat the same thing with Judas - but I think it was a little easier this time. I started with what I knew about Judas - that he was a thief, but that he was also a disciple - and I added what I knew about Judas after the Last Supper - that he was so remorseful that he killed himself - and I came up with a scenario that worked in my head.

Basically, I have Judas leaving a somewhat blameless life - human, not perfect - who succumbs to temptation. I simply extrapolated a situation where I succumbed to temptation into the story. Judas takes some coins from the purse for his own gain - not out of any perceived notion of greed, but simply to pay for a better meal and a nicer place to stay while on the road. Its still theft and its still greed, but its easily justifiable to Judas' way of thinking. Since he's in charge of the purse, he knows that he'll be able to pay it all back without anyone knowing about it. Except that maybe it worked too well. He was able to pay it back and nobody noticed or said anything. So he did it again. And again. And... then John started to suspect Judas. Judas became paranoid that they were on to him. He needed to pay back all that he had borrowed. He hears that the priests are offering 30 pieces of silver to anyone who helps them arrest Jesus. So far, Jesus has been able to make the High Priests look like fools every time he's dealt with them. A little arrest will be no big deal for Jesus. He'll make the priests look like idiots again and then they'll all continue on their way. In the meantime, Judas can put the 30 pieces of silver into the purse and nobody will be any the wiser. Of course, if his plan works, he swears that he will never borrow money again. Maybe he'll even suggest that someone else take the purse for a while.

Of course, we all know that the plan backfired. Jesus was arrested, flogged, put on trial and executed. Judas, seeing it all spin out of control, and knowing that he was the one responsible, would have known that he was cursed. So, he kills himself.

There is no evil mustache twirling villain here. Jesus was not so blind as to have the greatest villain in history as one of his disciples. The real tragedy of this evil is that its the sort of evil human beings perpetuate every day of existence - the lie told to ourselves, the delusions, the greed, the belief that they can get away with it without anyone knowing. As Jesus was the greatest of all human beings, unfortunately Judas was the worst case example of where sinning can lead us - the epitome of what happens when we sin and become separated from God forever.

In the Zone

So, not much to report here lately. I get that way when I'm writing. Its like the rest of my life goes on hold and I have to be reminded to go out and smell the roses once in a while. I have purposefully not been in the Zone for quite some time - at least a few years now - because the last time I was in the Zone, I was there for almost two straight years.

This time, my new novel is shorter, more focused, and a lot less involving - but a lot more fun. It involves a certain favorite hero of mine traveling through the last days of the life of Amelia Earhart (as amended by wikipedia ;) So far, I've written about her espionage against Japan, the crash of her plane, and her rescue by a Japanese submarine. In the near future, Amelia Earhart will face a Japanese firing squad. So much fun!

It has helped my writing process immensely that two fine actresses played Amelia last year giving me a great range with which to work for her character. Amy Adams played a young, feisty Amelia Earhart in Night at the Museum 2 - Battle of the Smithsonian. I love Amy Adams and she was great in this role. Unfortunately, her character was a little too cartoony for a serious attempt at portraying Amelia Earhart. But then, Hilary Swank played the title character in the movie, Amelia, opposite Richard Gere. She brought a more diplomatic approach to the character - deciding to make her a real person versus a fictional portrayal. Unfortunately for Amelia, the script gave Hilary Swank little to work with and one was left wondering just who Amelia Earhart really was and what drove her to be the kind of person who would want to fly around the world.

I opted for a middle ground on Amelia Earhart knowing that I need only keep to the accurate historical portrayal of her during the hours leading up to her ill-fated last flight (which was the first chapter of the book). After that, I was off in fictional speculative territory anyway. I've tried to keep Amelia real, but also offer some of the backbone present in Amy Adams portrayal. The more I write, the closer I think I'm getting to my ideal portrayal of this American icon.

Anyway, I'm enjoying writing again. I don't think I'll ever become the hermit I was during the writing of the ill-fated First Novel, but I might be a little more flaky as time moves forward. So, don't be surprised if I blow people off in the near future to spend more time with the lovely Amelia and her charming and enigmatic time traveling companion.

A new Non-Religious thought puzzle... Deep Waters Ahead!

So I had another errant thought the other day and I haven't really had any free time to play with it. So I thought I'd open the idea to the entire blogosphere to see if anyone has anything deep to add to the discussion.

The question is basically this: Is Time Fixed?

Now what got me to start thinking down this road are two things: first was the idea of relativity. In that, our perception of space is relative to our movement through it. Or to use the thought exercise from Einstein, if you are on a train, everything is whizzing by your window, but if you're outside, the train window is whizzing by you. Applied to time in a practical manner, does time itself alter the further away you are from events? Or does time remain static and only our view of it alters as we get further away from the event?

This led me to my second road: entropy. Or to put it more bluntly, nothing ever remains the same. Physical properties of all substances are constantly breaking down, transforming, etc... But since Entropy seems to be a function of time, does it also have an effect on the physical properties of a fixed event in time?

How does this all break out? Well, let's say that time was not fixed. Using an example of Bob the Caveman inventing the wheel, that fact might remain true for say, 1 million years. But eventually, as you got further and further from the event, the facts behind it would begin to erode. Time, itself, would begin to unravel, to fade, to be obliterated by all that follows that event. It would mean, in a practical sense, that after a certain point the past would be a meaningless blur.

We, of course, would take this for granted. We can't possibly know who invented the wheel, right? Its before there was any recorded history. But what about the events of yesterday. Are they fixed? Did what you did yesterday have any permanence whatsoever? Or will it fade from history and memory when there are no forces left to leave it in physical place (i.e. Its not recorded and there is no memory of it by any still alive)? Is this a natural function of space/time? Or is this only a function of limited human knowledge?

Anyway, I was just exploring cool ideas about time. I don't think we can suss out a real answer to the question, but its certainly fun playing around with it.

Paradigm Shift

I can't believe how convoluted this story is.

It started a few weeks ago. I was trying to think up a new story idea and I had a sudden brilliant thought. My story would involve a writer (me, basically) who wakes up and finds himself stuck in a world of his own making. But there's something wrong with the world that he's in - its heart/soul is dying. So the writer has to find the source of the problem and fix it. Only... what would be the source of the problem?

I realized that romance always sells so I began to devise a plot that involved finding a girl who was the source inspiration for all of his female characters (and all the female characters in the world that he was stuck in). The catch was that the female characters don't look like any girl he ever remembered meeting. So the writer has to retrace his life history to find this source girl who so inspired him. (I really thought this would give my female actress something to do - playing a whole bunch of different variations of one main source character).

Now this is where the story starts to get convoluted. You see, in thinking back on my own life to try and find a source character that could serve as an inspiration for this main female character, I actually remembered a girl that I had known many many years before who, now that I thought about it, really was an inspirational source for all of my female characters. But the thing is, this girl was someone I had known when I was in third grade.

You see, there was a brief period in third grade of about two weeks where I was in love. As I recall, a new boy came into the class and had no friends. The teacher decided that I'd be a good friend, so she asked me if I would play with him at recess. Well, I did and we had fun. But this boy had a twin sister who was in another class. As she didn't have anyone to play with either, besides her brother, she joined us. Well, she was beautiful, spirited, funny, and full of joy. I was like a moth to the flame. We played at every recess and after school every day for that entire period. And I even walked home with her after we finished playing. Of course I was in third grade and to me she was just a friend.

At the end of two weeks, she didn't come to school. I went to her house after school, but nobody was there. I found out the next day that there had been a divorce and the kids went to live in Sacramento. I never saw her again and I was really crushed.

In looking back on it, I suddenly realized that the things that I find attractive in women were the qualities this young girl had. So, in this case, art was indicating life. I was following the path of my own plot.

Now, the nebulousness of my thinking really took over. With this sudden revelation I began to see the world in a new light. I realized that my one truly decent relationship had been doomed all along because as much as I loved my ex-girlfriend, she was nothing like the young lady in third grade. My Ex was very similar at first, which is what attracted me to her, but as time went on, she grew further and further from those attributes that had attracted me in the first place. I overcompensated for this lack of attributes by trying to change, which led me to join the Navy, to try and become a serious writer, and generally everything else that has followed. I left behind the things that had made me happy in order to become someone that could maintain a relationship that was never going to work. When the relationship fell apart, I no longer had that ME to fall back on - I had changed so much that I didn't recognize myself. I realized that I had stopped being myself so many years before and that I'd been kind of stuck in this person that wasn't really myself ever since. See... nebulous.

What does it all mean? Now, this is where it gets interesting.

So here I am, being bombarded with one revelation after the next about who I am and what I want and how come I haven't felt the same as I did 25 years ago for a long time, and suddenly I realize that the one thing that I've been missing the most is Joy.

Joy. With a capitol J. As in the sort of light-hearted, pure spirited unconditional love that bubbles over from your center and makes you glow with giddiness. I used to be full of it. I used to drink it like soda. The last place I experienced it? You guessed it.

Kenya.

It all made sense now. 25 years before, lost and confused about my relationship with the girl I loved enough to propose to, I set out to join the Navy to make something of myself, but also to find out who I was. I have spent years looking for that answer, but there was no answer forthcoming. I learned patience. I went back to God. I learned to give back, to love my neighbors. I learned film making for some reason. And then, I went to Kenya and rediscovered Joy. The one thing I'd been missing all along. The one piece of the puzzle that I hadn't yet placed. Why show me Joy? God showed me Joy so that I might be healed and become whole again - so that I might come full circle.

I'm right back where I was when I was 16, except that I'm 24 years older and wiser. I've been given permission to go back to being who I was back then - to let go and be the insane Will that I remember. I spent the first 16 years of my life confidently drawing outside the lines, and the last 24 learning to draw inside the lines in order to impress some girl who did not have any Joy inside of her. I'm ready to draw outside the lines again. I'm going to restore the heart and soul to a world of my creation.

Action

I didn't originally mean for this post to have such a religious bent, but my renewed inspiration for it came from reading the Bible last night. In particular, this:

³⁷When Jesus had finished speaking, a Pharisee invited him to eat with him; so he went in and reclined at the table. ³⁸But the Pharisee, noticing that Jesus did not first wash before the meal, was surprised.
 ³⁹Then the Lord said to him, "Now then, you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness. ⁴⁰You foolish people! Did not the one who made the outside make the inside also? ⁴¹But give what is inside the dish ^[j] to the poor, and everything will be clean for you.
 ⁴²"Woe to you Pharisees, because you give God a tenth of your mint, rue and all other kinds of garden herbs, but you neglect justice and the love of God. You should have practiced the latter without leaving the former undone.
 ⁴³"Woe to you Pharisees, because you love the most important seats in the synagogues and greetings in the marketplaces.
 ⁴⁴"Woe to you, because you are like unmarked graves, which men walk over without knowing it."
 ⁴⁵One of the experts in the law answered him, "Teacher, when you say these things, you insult us also."
 ⁴⁶Jesus replied, "And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them.
 ⁴⁷"Woe to you, because you build tombs for the prophets, and it was your forefathers who killed them. ⁴⁸So you testify that you approve of what your forefathers did; they killed the prophets, and you build their tombs. ⁴⁹Because of this, God in his wisdom said, 'I will send them prophets and apostles, some of whom they will kill and others they will persecute.' ⁵⁰Therefore this generation will be held responsible for the blood of all the prophets that has been shed since the beginning of the world, ⁵¹from the blood of Abel to the blood of Zechariah, who was killed between the altar and the sanctuary. Yes, I tell you, this generation will be held responsible for it all.
 ⁵²"Woe to you experts in the law, because you have taken away the key to knowledge. You yourselves have not entered, and you have hindered those who were entering."

I have been struggling for the past year or so with this notion that perhaps reading the Bible was getting me nowhere. Now, let me explain what I mean by that. It seemed to me that I was trying to seek God through knowledge - like God could be found by studying for some kind of test. I realized that my search for God had kind of stalled out at the research stage. I had read all the books. I had read the Bible many times. I had taken classes and participated in discussions and sought out experts. But in the end, I didn't feel like I had come much closer to God than when I had started. I understood a heck of a lot more about Christianity, to be sure, but I hadn't yet really experienced it.

My thirst was still there.

At first, I decided that maybe I was over thinking all of this research. I'm one of those people that can get down into the nitty gritty when I really try. I remember when I was named education Petty Officer in boot camp that I was trying to explain naval history to my fellow recruits and a good friend of mine looked at me and just said, "We don't need to know that on the test. Just tell us what we need to know." I've taken that to heart over the years. Nitty Gritty is fine and fascinating and all, but it takes time to learn and ultimately doesn't change what you already know.

There are over 400 something laws in Jewish life and yet, Jesus boiled them down to two. Love God with all your heart, mind, and soul. Love your neighbor as yourself. In these two commandments are the LAW and the PROPHETS. Talk about your summaries.

But what I think Jesus was trying to explain to the Pharisees in the above passage was the same thing that my friend was trying to explain to me in boot camp, "You're missing the point. I'm not in the book. I'm not in the law. Those things are only ways for you to find out about me." Jesus says that the true leader would be able to not only follow the laws but also practice justice and show the love of God.

Jesus's whole ministry was about taking the word down a peg and augmenting it with the deed. It wasn't enough to just be knowledgeable. If there was no practical application of that knowledge, all that was heard was a clanging cymbal (a noise without meaning). You could follow every commandment to the letter, know every law, do everything that you read about, but if you weren't also willing to sell all your possessions and follow Christ's example, everything you'd done would amount to nothing.

Action follows thirst. After doing all that research, after studying about compassion and love and righteousness, the only logical next step is to practice those things. To be in the world means that you need to study it, but also to experience it. It is not enough to donate off hand so that somebody else can do the work for you. You need to be out there doing the things that God wants you to do. The words are only there to point you the way to the well. You still have to physically go there to be filled.

Of course what action you take is dependent on what you need to satiate that thirst. For me, it was going to Kenya. For you it might be raising a family or educating kids or just being a shoulder to cry on in a time of need.

I don't think our actions have beginnings and endings. I think our actions become a way of living, a way of moving through the world and experiencing it. Visiting a homeless shelter once and dropping off an old coat is a good thing, but it is not a lifestyle. Actions should permeate our lives like yeast. They should move through us and raise us up and transform us until we are complete.

Knowledge is a fine thing, but learning about things and not being inspired to do things because of that knowledge ultimately does nobody any good. Knowledge comes first. Actions next. But neither works without the other.

Thirst Continued

There is an aspect to thirst that only occurred to me about thirty minutes after writing yesterday's blog. It was not a new thought, just one that I had not considered at the time I wrote the first part of the blog.

For me, it is not enough to be thirsty and to seek some sort of refreshment that will slake that thirst. I have to seek the best, the ultimate form of refreshment. In the past, I would tell people that I was a perfectionist. I knew that that adjective applied to my makeup, but one look at me would cause people to doubt my words. If they could have seen inside my mind, they would realize that while I often did not achieve perfection, perfection has always been my goal.

It is not enough for me to simply have a coca-cola. I want that coca-cola in the best possible way. I want it in just the right glass, at just the right temperature, during the perfect moment of the perfect activity in the perfect location. For me, it is not just the need to fulfill my desire, but to do it in such a way that that desire is permanently fulfilled. I can't just find a job working in the film industry, I need to be the next Walt Disney. I can't just write a book, I need it to be the Great American Novel. I can't just go to Kenya, look around, enjoy what I see, and come back, it needs to be an EPIC JOURNEY!

As you may imagine, I am constantly disappointed. My thirst can never be slaked because I make the conditions of being satisfied impossible to fulfill. I use my need for perfection as a wall against enjoyment.

I wonder though if this is a bad thing. Jesus said that he was the water of life and that whoever drank from him would never be thirsty again. Now there are two ways of interpreting that. The first way is that once you've had the Jesus drink, you never need to drink again. And the other way is that drinking of Jesus is the only way you will ever be satisfied - his drink is cool, refreshing, perfect and never runs out. Drink early and drink often and come back as often as you want. These are two different interpretations that both spell out as Jesus being the only true satisfaction to our thirst - but one way means that you can drink from Jesus and never be Thirsty again, and the other way means that you will continue to Thirst, but Jesus will always be there to slake your thirst.

I can never have perfection except through Jesus. But having Jesus, does my desire for perfection go away? Does my thirst for justice and peace and that ultimate sunset and ultimate love ever diminish? Of course not. Nor should I want it to.

So I have this problem with thirst. I get thirsty. I want to find the perfect way to slake my thirst. I try to find the ultimate expression of any earthly thing that can help to satisfy me, but fail every time. And yet, I know where to find that satisfaction. I know where to find that perfection. Thirst motivates me to do things. But the thirst I have creates impossible goals that can never be achieved. So I set myself up for failure at every turn. What I need to do is learn to become thirsty for the one thing that is perfect and that I can drink to my heart's content - Jesus.

I had a taste of this water in Kenya. My trip there was far from perfect and yet it was the most rewarding trip of my life. I want more of that. I want to drink deeply. God willing, I will.

Thirst

I remember going with my Dad and Uncle to a track meet in Berkeley when I was a kid. Ronaldo Nehemiah (before he was a 49er) was running the hurdles at the time and he just flew down the track, clearing those hurdles like they were nothing. Hurdles was never my thing. I always thought I'd have been great in Steeplechase, however. But I digress... The day was boiling hot, one of those rare plus 100 degree days in the Bay Area. We were in an exposed area of the bleachers and there was nothing to break the sun. Finally, after three hours, we left and walked back to our car. But just as we arrived at our car, we spotted a corner grocery store about 100 feet from the car. My Dad went in and bought three cokes. I kid you not, they were all gone before we reached the car. The coca cola evaporated in our mouths in less than ten seconds. I had never been so thirty in my life.

Thirst is a good synonym for desire, because we all thirst, and many times we quench that thirst with things that only make us more thirsty. Coca Cola, for instance, does not quench our thirst. It's slightly salty formula actually causes us to need more liquid. But on a hot day, a coca-cola will seem like an oasis in the midst of the Sahara Desert. When we are at our most thirsty, we will drink just about anything wet to slake that thirst.

On the other side of that equation is the knowledge that many of the reasons we are thirsty is not actually because we need hydrating. Sometimes our mouths need washing out. Sometimes we have become attuned to drinking things that aren't good for us - our desire for particular beverages having more to do with fulfilling other needs than for drinking itself. The need for liquid refreshments is more often than not a desire to quench something other than actual thirst.

When it comes to thirsts, however, I can often become a virtual camel. I can go for days or weeks without any sort of thirst at all. I merely wander through the desert of my life, ambling from place to place, with no particular thirst or desire guiding me. This, to me, is the quintessential definition of existing, not living.

To me life requires thirst. It is the one human trait, both good and negative, that defines us. When we wake up in the morning, if we are not thirsty for something, we will have no desire to move. We aren't satisfied. We aren't happy. We are merely existing - taking up space, breathing air, with no real impact on ourselves or anyone else. We are not getting in anyone's way because we are not going anywhere. Until we have a thirst, or desire, to properly motivate us, we have no direction.

Unfortunately, most times my desires are such that I will consume the first wet thing that comes along - regardless of whether or not it actually quenches my thirst. When I finally attain my desire, I discover all too quickly that I am still thirsty - that this thing didn't do a darn thing to satisfy me. If I feel the need to travel, I will find something that I've never done close by and I will go there on the weekend. I will no doubt enjoy myself. But come Monday, I will quickly discover that I still feel the need to travel. So I will then plan a longer vacation - maybe a week in DisneyWorld. And I will go there and spend enormous sums of money and have a "REALLY" good time - well worth the money I spent. But when I return from vacation and unpack my bags, I will realize that I still need to travel. Another destination, perhaps? A different destination? Maybe. A once in a lifetime expedition - couldn't hurt to try? But in the end, when I've tried everything and have traveled to all parts of the globe, and I still feel that desire, that thirst - perhaps I need to examine that thirst a little more closely and ask myself, what do I truly desire?

My Play Station Experiment

Over the weekend I decided to upgrade my 1970's tech and buy a relatively new game system - the Play Station 2 (Hey, I said relatively new... compared to an Atari). I was looking to score some cheap game playing action and add a new wrinkle to my entertainment experiences. But truth be told, I was after something a little deeper - escape. In all areas, my experiment failed miserably.

Since Kenya, I've been floundering. There hasn't been a natural replacement for my interests or enterprises. My second movie Dane failed. And my novel is coming slowly. I've been floating around without a direction looking for the next big thing to latch on to. And short of that, I've been looking to distract myself from this lack of direction. Hence, the Play Station experiment.

(Ironically, I went through the same thing at almost exactly this same time last year. It was resolved when I suddenly had a vision of walking in Kenya and I realized that I would be going there. My desire for a Play Station dissolved quickly after that.)

The problem with the Play Station 2 isn't that it isn't distracting - it excels at that - but that it brings into focus for me that which is most causing my floundering spirit. It isn't real. It's a facsimile of real. It's a fun facsimile of real. But ultimately, it is someone else's idea of a real world. Despite the game designers desire to give the players freedom to roam and do things, the players in the game lack any real free will. As a result, there are no consequences - only frustrations at failing a mission and having to do it over again. It is the simulation of life without the stimulation of life. It is the equivalent of a never emptying glass of water - no matter how much you drink you can't get to the bottom and you never are satisfied.

Kenya was real. In focus and sharp. In depth. In black and white and color. It was everything that a photo or a movie or a book or a game is not.

I was thinking about that and wondering if it was the games I had selected that was causing this feeling to occur. But I realized that no matter what entertainment source I chose, it was always going to be a simulation of real life.

I have outgrown simulated adventures. I have outgrown my need for a Play Station. I want to go on real adventures now, with real consequences, and real rewards. I want to affect change. I want to interact with real people in real time. I want to see the real world and be a real part of it.

Anyway... those are my words. There will be more to come.

Local Woman Saves Us All!

A local woman using an XRF gun discovered that McDonald's Shrek Glasses contained too much cadmium and sent an anonymous sample to Representative Jackie Speier. Congresswoman Speier then sent the glass to the CPSC for further testing. After testing, the CPSA contacted McDonald's about their concerns and a recall was issued for all 12 Million glasses. This anonymous woman should be commended. Who knows how much damage could have been done to the children of the world had this recall not been undertaken?

Of course, the fact that the glass's cadmium levels fell underneath the current Federal Guideline levels should not let us pause in thanking this woman from saving us all from certain death. Also, the fact that these glasses are not exclusively sold to children, should also not deter us from thanking this woman from saving an entire generation of children from gruesome death. We shouldn't even consider the fact that McDonald's recalled what was legally an entirely safe product made in the United States and that this recall will cost someone $24 million. Money is no object when certain death looms just around the corner.

No, no, let us Thank God that we live in a country where a woman with nothing better to do can go around buying perfectly safe products and testing them willy-nilly for potentially dangerous amounts of chemicals so that these products can then be recalled even though they are perfectly safe at the cost of several million dollars to American manufacturers. Where would this country be without such safety provisions in place? I mean, besides still having manufacturing jobs and low insurance rates, that is.

No, no, we live in a great society that understands that the cost of our potential safety is way more important than a few hundred jobs. I know I sleep better at night knowing that such people are out there to keep us safe - even if it might mean losing my job because some random person decides my product isn't safe, regardless of what the courts might say. The court of public opinion, after all, is the only real court we need.

So let us commend this anonymous woman and perhaps give her a parade and a meddle. She has truly saved us all from certain destruction!

Good call, Bud Selig... and other things I thought I'd never say.

We all feel for this Gallaraga kid that lost the Perfect Game. But for once, Bud Selig made the right non-call. While it would certainly be justified to correct a mistake by the umpire, handing over a perfect game after the fact would be a bigger mistake.

Its hard to imagine that there is any integrity left in Major League Baseball, but in general, one of its inviolates has been its scoring decisions. Right or wrong, blown call or not, once the next play happens, the call stands. It can not be undone by anyone. The game can be played in protest. The umpires can admit mistakes. But once play resumes, the call stands.

As egregious as this mistake was, coming as it did with the 27th batter in what would have been a perfect game, once the call was made and the next batter entered into the books, the perfect game was over. To reverse that decision and rule that the 27th batter was indeed out and the game was over, would be to say that the 28th batter was never in the game and that the pitcher never pitched to him.

This might have been fine for this one time, but what's to prevent an equally disagreeable call from occurring with the third batter of the game. Same exact situation otherwise. Do you then go back and reverse that call as well? How about home runs that are called foul or doubles or fan-interference? The game could have changed on that call. Do you undo those calls? Let's face it, reversing this call would have opened up a whole can of worms that nobody wants to deal with. At the very least, the 21st Perfect Game would forever carry an asterix and some notoriety as having been called perfect 24 hours or more after the fact.

As it is, this kid will now go down in the history of the sport as having pitched the Perfect Game That Never Was. His feat will be unique in the sport, not just another in a long line of great pitchers who threw perfect games.

On the other hand, I miss steroids. I'm tired of all these damned perfect games. I dig the long ball!

The Last Christian by David Gregory

This book was provided for review by the WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for free.

The Last Christian, by David Gregory, is a thought provoking and well paced action story set in the middle distant future (around the end of this century) in the United States. It is set in a future where Christianity has all but died out in the United States and most of the rest of the world. Thrown into this setting is a murder mystery / action adventure sci-fi story that somehow manages to also be a little apocalyptic and apologetic at the same time. I recommend this story for anyone that is looking for a good read.

David Gregory is the author of two incredibly wonderful books about meeting Jesus (My Dinner with Jesus is one of them and I can't remember the title of the other at this moment). Both of these books were the kind that you can't put down. You pick them up and read them to the end - no stopping, no eating, no sleeping - just that compelling. I was really hoping for something similar from The Last Christian, but, alas, this is a horse of a different color.

While taking nothing away from the story that was written here, I found that this book had a little too much going for it. There was a murder mystery that the main characters were trying to solve. There was a science fiction element involving the replacing of our brains with mechanical brains. There was a conspiracy / action angle with dirty politics and corrupt businesses being involved with genocide and potential mad scientist escapades. And then there was all the apologetics and apocalyptic stuff that dealt with our heroine being the Last Christian in the United States. Each element of this story got its moment to shine, but they didn't gel very well together. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I was kind of hoping for a conclusion where all the story lines came to a head at the same time... and that never happened.

Criticisms aside, however, I found the book an enjoyable read. It was well paced and never dull. The characters were interesting and many times the descriptions of the future felt spot on (and sometimes not - Jetpacks? Really?). I especially loved the background history of how Christianity died out in the United States which sounded frighteningly real.

I recommend The Last Christian and hope you'll go out and buy it. It was a good read.

F O U N D

LOST ended on Sunday to a mixed bag of reactions. Some thought the ending left too many questions unanswered. Some thought the loose ends weren't enough to overcome six wonderful seasons, even if the last ten minutes seemed like a cheap cop out and an acknowledgment that the writers had no idea what they were doing. I, on the other hand, loved the ending and thought it was the closest thing to perfect writing that I've seen in years (loose ends and all).

Part of my love of this ending is based on a very intimate knowledge of the writing process. I don't rank myself amongst the great writers or even the mediocre ones, but you can't work on a novel for five years without at least gaining an understanding of how this craft is done - even if I can't do it successfully. I quickly surmised that the writers couldn't possibly explain every little mystery by the end of Season Six. It wasn't that they didn't have answers, or that they didn't want to ruin the ending by revealing the answers; it was the fact that entertainment sometimes requires that readers be left in the dark. The same people complaining that LOST didn't give them the answers they needed are the ones who complained when George Lucas did give the answers in Episode One. The answers weren't nearly as fun as the story that was being told. How does King Kong get from Skull Island to New York? In the original film, its done with a Fade Out and Fade In and no further explanation. We don't really need to know that to enjoy the story. Many of the questions that had been generated over the years on LOST were of that variety. A few, deeper, questions were answered by seasons end because they were necessary to tell the bigger story but the vast majority of these questions were more of the variety best left to Behind The Scenes Featurettes on a DVD. That's just the name of the writing game sometimes.

I also loved the finale because it spoke to a greater truth than most stories have in years - we all need a certain amount of faith and mystery in our lives. Why did someone have to protect the Island? Because they did... you just have to have faith in that. And faith requires belief even when the answers aren't forthcoming. I suspect that many of the people who had problems with the ending of LOST also have problems with issues of faith.

I think the final reason I found myself loving LOST's finale was that I realized that I have changed a lot in the last six years. Even as I sit and write a meticulously plotted and planned novel that has every i dotted and t crossed, I find that personally I no longer need such an elaborately spelled out plan in my own life. In the last year or so, I find myself opening up to the possibilities of things I previously couldn't have imagined - like traveling to Kenya, for instance.

For years I read the Bible voraciously looking for some clue as to what it all meant. I figured that intellectually there had to be something in there that leapt out at me, that made sense to me, something that I could hang my hat on - some bit of knowledge that had eluded me in the past. I was looking for God in thought and equation, in details and answers. I wanted, more than anything else, for the universe to make sense. But God isn't in the details. God isn't in the answer. He is in the question. He can't be made sense of with a book, or a poem, or a film, or anything in human understanding. How can you explain a mystery without revealing the reason for the mystery? How can you explain God with human understanding?

I have come to embrace the idea of mystery, of NOT knowing, and, as a result, I have discovered more of God in one year than in the ten years previous. Those who were waiting for the last episode of LOST to explain all the mysteries like it was checking them off a list might have had their answers, but the final episode would have felt even more artificial than any other artistic effort in recent memory. Those who were disappointed missed the point. There were no answers coming. There never was going to be. The whole story of LOST was about characters who had been searching for answers all their lives finally realizing that none of it made sense and that it also didn't matter. What mattered, what was important, was loving one another.

I'll take that conclusion over some "answers" any day of the week and twice on Sunday's.

Practice vs. Preaching

What does Freedom of Speech mean to you? Is it something worth defending, or only worth defending when it isn't offensive to you personally? This is one of the biggest questions I've had to deal with in my life. As a writer, I've been preaching the gospel of Freedom of Speech since I could understand the concept. But at times, although its been very difficult for me, I've actually had to practice it as well. That's usually a lot harder to do.

I just received a call from my brother. He had just heard the news that they are planning to build a mosque at Ground Zero in New York. He was quite upset. And to be perfectly honest, I don't blame him. The thought nearly curdles my stomach. I am all for Freedom of Speech and Freedom of Religion, but a mosque? There? I don't see that as a powerful statement of forgiveness or a way to build bridges, I see it as a direct provocation to all Americans - even Muslim Americans. However, despite the way it makes me feel personally, I have to defend their right to build a mosque right there. It is important to the concept of Freedom of Speech and Freedom of Religion that they be allowed to do so.

When I was in the Navy back during Gulf War One there were a few virulent protesters in Hawaii who decided as a sign of protest to smash the personal vehicles of US servicemen. They called us warmongers, baby killers, that sort of thing. You can bet that we were not too happy with that. I dare say that there were many of us who wanted to go down and do some forceful realignment of their beliefs. But one of our Gunny Sergeants reminded us that we took an oath to defend the Constitution of the United States of America and that as part of that oath we had to defend the rights of those individuals who said the very things that we hated the most. These knuckleheads were trashing the very people who were protecting their rights to say the things they were saying. Though it seriously sucked, we swallowed our anger and went about our jobs. It didn't change the fact that we hated everything they were saying, but we had to defend their right to say it.

That's a pretty powerful thing to absorb at 18. But it has taught me to be even more protective of one of our most sacred rights as Americans. There are times when I think we allow this freedom to go too far... but those are exactly the times that those freedoms were created for in the first place.

So, do we practice what we preach even if it breaks our hearts to do so? That, ultimately, is the question.

And as citizen practicing my rights, I really hope those people reconsider the building of a mosque at Ground Zero. I can see nothing good coming of that.

I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in

I've been away on some amazing trips the last couple of weeks. My mind has wandered over hill and over dale, from the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli, and over the river and through the woods. It has taken me down rabbit holes and through wormholes. It has sent me on flights of fancy and ne'er-do-well such as I have not seen in years. But it hasn't taken me anywhere that I wanted to go. For me, it has been all about the journey.

Like most journeys, I have found much that wasn't worth writing about. I've been watching my life pass by like so much scenery while I remained in cool, quiet comfort inside contemplating other things. The concerns and frustrations of daily living have fallen across my face like the shadows of girders on a trestle bridge I happened to cross. The echoes of conversations have flown around me like the sound of a highway passing underneath me at high speed - thadump, thadump, thadump - as I crossed the speedbumps of life.

I did have one observation over the weekend - one of those types that can only occur to you after you have climbed quite a distance on your journey to the mountaintop. I was traveling up notoriously slow 19th Avenue on Saturday and I was watching a MUNI bus crawl through the traffic as well. It occurred to me that had I been on board the bus, I would have been tempted to get off at the next stop and run the rest of the way - like I used to. This was followed by a realization that I was certainly in no shape to run, much less run faster than a MUNI bus (whether stuck in traffic, parked at a curb, in the bus yard, or undergoing repairs ;). At which point I had one of those mind-altering conversations with myself.

Me: I'm in no shape to run ahead of a bus like I used to. I wonder why that is?

Self: Your no longer as impatient as you once were.

Me: Really? That wasn't the answer I was expecting. Why am I no longer impatient?

Self: Remember all those times God taught you patience. Do you remember what you used to be like before - how your life was such a mess because you were always so impatient to get somewhere that you tried every shortcut in the book and then some?

Me: You mean God made me patient and as a result I can no longer outrun buses?

Self: I mean that God made you patient and you no longer feel the need to outrun buses.

Me: I wonder what other things I no longer feel the need to do...

Self: Well, that is the question now, isn't it?

Me: Hmmm...

Hmm, indeed. I'm looking for an off ramp now - someplace to find rest from this wandering, some place to set up camp again intellectually. But for now, I'm just going to enjoy the journey for as long as my patience holds out. After all, I've got some new things to think about now.

Slinky Body Parts Update!

What walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, and makes a creakity sound?

It's me! It's me! You know it's me! Everyone knows it's my knee!

It's my knee, it's my knee, it's no fun and bound to annoy.

It's my knee, it's my knee, it's no fun for a girl or a boy.

Everyone knows its my knee!

What can I say? I turned 40. I passed my warranties expiration date and right on schedule things start to break down!

The most annoying thing? Literally, the day after my left knee starts to feel good enough to walk on normally, my right knee goes down in pain (probably from overwork). At least my knees are finally starting to work together again - though I wouldn't exactly say its been pain free.

I think its safe to say that I won't be running the Bay to Breakers this year.

Time's up?

I had a thought on the way to work today. What if this is it? I'm picturing a world 20 years down the line where you are trying to explain to people that there used to be things called phones that allowed you to talk to people anywhere on Earth - and they could also take pictures - and imagining the incredulous looks on people's faces who have never known such technology. It has been our fortunate experience over the last sixty years or so to experience a technology boom like no other in history. But if history has taught us anything in the past, its that we shouldn't get too comfortable.

I don't mean this to be a doom and gloom piece. This wasn't a fearful response to some news story or worry that Global Warming is real. I'm not really worried about a nuclear holocaust or asteroid wiping us all out. Such fears are hardly helpful and really, there's nothing that can be done about them anyway. I was simply idly speculating on whether this is to be humanities golden age (until the next golden age, that is).

Of course, it begs the question about what our technology has really done for us. I imagine that the post-golden age crowd are going to be fairly unimpressed with descriptions of cable TV or computers or the internet or i-phones. They are going to be more impressed with the fact that we had refrigeration and water (even in the desert!) and vehicles that could go 400 miles in one day.

There is no guarantee that technology will continue to get more advanced. We are one eruption away from grounding most air travel, for instance. And a good solar flare could wipe out telecommunications.

In all this speculation I realized that the one reason we have enjoyed such a prosperous time period has been entirely because the United States has been the super power of the world for the last 60 years. We have promoted intellectual freedom and commerce to the rest of the world and defended it vigorously during that same time. Such values have allowed technologies and communications to flourish. For all of this anti-American talk out there, the rest of the world should recognize our role in shaping the future. They may not always like the intellectual freedom that we support, but I guarantee they like its results. It is those results which make us the envy of the world - not our might, but our rights. Hopefully, as long as we remember that, and the rest of the world understands it, this Golden Age will continue for years and decades and centuries to come.

In Over My Head

I love the comments I've been receiving lately. Occasionally, I like to dive into philosophical waters way over my head. I've never been the type to simply accept what others have said. I like to think things for myself and try things out on occasion. If I reach a fork in the road, I say walk down both paths a certain way to see where they go, then decide. I don't do this out of indecisiveness or caution, I do it because I'm curious. Always have been, always will be.

So this last discussion has drawn some great philosophical debates for me. My brain has expanded and from that I should eventually gain some wisdom and deeper understanding of the world... or not. I'm not always quick on the uptake. I like to consider myself smart, but I'm definitely on the slow boat when it comes to learning. I think it has something to do with the way I learn - which is to immerse myself in a subject and learn as much as I can absorb before I start to drown in it. I'm filled with knowledge, my cup overflows, but understanding doesn't always come so easily. This had led some people to assume that I am smarter than I actually am. I'm okay with that.

But my motto lately has been stolen straight from Edie Brickell, "Throw me in the shallow waters, before I get too deep." I can't play with the intellectual giants, though I like listening in on occasion. Randall, for instance, is not only a lawyer, but he speaks German as well. His musings and philosophy are matched only by his grasp of theology. And his daughter is a pole-vaulter, so how cool is that? See. That's about my intellectual level. I can always find a shallower end of the pool to play in. I can't debate Kantian metaphysics, but you can't match me in Star Wars trivia.

For a brief time, in college, I was playing with the big boys. But I learned two important lessons in my last semester in college. First, playing with the big boys is dull and boring and only really impressive to other big boys. Second, no matter how big you become, there's always someone bigger. Someone will always be looking down on you. It'd be like finally reaching the big leagues only to discover that you were on a team filled with Barry Bonds'. I decided that my search for the origins of religion had probably reached its zenith and I went off to do something else. I knew when I was in over my head.

I think the hardest thing I've had to learn is that I have limitations. In Jr. High, I took wood shop because I wanted to make movie props. I asked for and received a wood working kit for Christmas that year. I ignored the teacher's projects and worked on my own design in class. I hacked away, chopped, chiseled, sanded, drew diagrams - everything a professional carpenter does. Then one day, I came to wood shop and discovered that my project was missing. I looked all over for it and couldn't find it. It had been nearly complete! I went to the teacher and asked him if he'd seen it. As I described it, he gave me a queer look and then he said, "Oh that thing? I thought it was scrap wood and I threw it in the wood pile." Okay, so I wasn't going to be a carpenter. Lesson learned. I still loved my final wood project even if I received an "F" on it. That was one more fork of the road I had to venture down before choosing another path.

I'd like to say that I've changed, that I've applied that lesson to the rest of my life. But I still think that you don't know your limitations until you try something. I also suck at fishing, but I go every year. Not really sure if I was a very good youth leader, but I did that for 8 years. Fairly certain that I offered little to the T-Ball coaching experience, but it was still fun to try. I'm starting to suspect I may never compete in an Eco-Challenge race, but still have hope for The Amazing Race.

Anyway, I'll keep trying. I'll keep failing. I'll keep asking questions. And I'll keep getting answers. Really, what else is there to do in life? How can anyone actually settle? I feel like a shark - resting is dying. I want to do more, see more, and know more - all the time. I just know that when I finally reach the mountain top, I'll be one of the last. But I will get there, eventually.

Upon Further Review... Is God infallible, Part Two...

I throw the red flag on myself.

As satisfied that I am right in my final comment on God's potential infallibility (please read previous post, Is God fallible?, and all the wonderful comments) I realized that I was missing the boat. And perhaps this was something that Randall and Dave and many others were trying to point out, God being infallible suggests that somehow we can judge his actions.

I'm going to go back to my commentary assertion about the coin toss as I think it helps illustrate my NEW point best.

Original argument - If God tosses the coin 100 times and it comes up heads 100 times in a row, He is perfect, but it doesn't negate the idea that the coin could have come up tails. Whether or not God would ever have failed to have it end up heads, the possibility always exists for it to come up tails. I do not think that this argument is incorrect. The potential for infallibility does exist according to this argument.

New argument - My original argument doesn't take into account that the coin, the ability to toss it, heads, tails, edges, and the laws of physics that govern the coin toss were all created by God. The original assumption is rigged. It assumes that 100 coin tosses that end in heads are Perfect. That's a statistical argument. Statistically, that is a perfect number. But what is the ACTUAL perfect number. What if the actual perfect number is 50 heads and 50 tails? What if its 99 heads and 1 tail? What if its 100 edges in a row? Indeed, whatever is the actual perfect number is exactly what God would toss. Every time. Therefore, there is no chicken and egg argument here - God would always be perfect no matter what He did because He would not only be the judge of perfection, but also its creator. God CAN NOT be infallible precisely because HE defines what fallibility is.

Hence, God became Fully Human and therefore defined what it is to be Fully Human. He was perfect as a human - hence, if you wish to be a perfect human you need to do EXACTLY as Jesus did. If that means growing in wisdom, then growing in wisdom makes you perfect. If that means striking out on a wicked Tim Lincecum fastball, then striking out makes you perfect. Because He was perfect, everything He did was perfect. He set the definitive model.

So, once again, I have proven that my limitless intellect has limits. It not only can't come to correct solution every time, but sometimes it has to blather on like a fool in order to come to the solution that everyone else had already arrived at. But I tell you what... growing in wisdom is perfect. Jesus said so.

Is God infallible?

This is just a brief idea that's been floating in my head since yesterday. I am not trying to suggest that God has made a mistake, or that He ever will, but I was wondering whether the possibility of God making a mistake was part and parcel of His greatness. This is a question about the deepest of philosophies. Hear me out...

Imagine that you could not make a mistake - that nothing you ever did would ever go wrong. Would there be any reason to do anything? Surely one of the reasons we humans do things is to see if we can. We stand up and stumble and walk and get satisfaction from our accomplishments. We learn to ride a bike. We struggle to find just the right words to woo the love of our life. We seek deeper meaning in the stars and the sun and the way the earth moves, and sometimes we get it wrong. Our limited vision of the Universe is one of the reasons we strive to move forward, to understand, to achieve great things - because we don't know what the outcome of those struggles will be even if the deck is totally stacked in our favor.

God gave us free will so that we could have control over our lives and also to allow us to make a choice about our own existence. Part and parcel of that free will is the opportunity to make the WRONG choice, to be wrong, to be fallible. God made us in His image. Therefore, despite God's omniscience and omnipotence, isn't there also the possibility, however slim, that He could make the wrong choice. Can perfection truly exist without the possibility of imperfection?

I can't say that I know the answer. But part of me says that God has to be infallible in order for His perfection to really matter. If there is no possibility of failure, then success has no meaning. And I want my God to be successful over Evil, not just some creampuff victory guaranteed since the beginning of everything, but a real struggle with real consequences for failure (that nonetheless can never happen).

Anyway, just some deep thoughts to mull over this weekend.

Talk to you on Monday.

Changing Default Settings

Wow, I really suck at this... as do, I imagine, almost everyone in the human race.

On your computer there is such a thing as default settings. These settings are the place your computer starts at, the place where your computer is set when it leaves the factory - its birth settings. As time goes by, the computer changes, grows, learns, becomes more efficient to handling things the way we want them to. If something ever goes wrong, however, the computer will always fall back to its default setting - and all progress that had been made will be tossed aside.

I seem to be set to fall back to my default setting. And that default setting is Me, Myself, and I. If push comes to shove, I always return to what I want, what I need, what is best for me. I feel as if I was created that way. But I'm not the only one.

I was reading a novel at lunch about World War II, in particular the D-Day landings in France. General Eisenhower was thinking about all the bickering, all the behind the back slandering and whispering, and all the arguments and dirty looks between the various commanders of the vast allied armed forces and he wondered, "Are we all twelve years old?" These men were clearly using their default settings to plan the invasion of France. Eventually, however, they came around to a way of thinking that was beneficial to all people.

I was also thinking about the Goldman Sachs case which is very complicated. On one hand, the government argues that top executives created a hedge fund that bet that the mortgage market would fail allowing investors to bet that the mortgage market would succeed. When 99% of the fund failed, it was discovered that the fund was selected by someone that had taken out insurance on all the mortgages that were about to fail. While investors lost billions, the guy who owned all that insurance made billions. It occurred to me that regardless of which side was legally right, morally both sides were only looking out for themselves. The squabble over this money concerns nobody but those people who stood to make billions of dollars on other people's mortgage money. It used to be that business was business - people made money by providing a service or product that was useful for everyone else. Now the Stock Market has become a den of gamblers and thieves willing to do anything necessary to create money out of thin air - even if it means sending the entire economy into a vast tail spin, or pushing jobs overseas to make a better profit, or requiring managers to fire long time employees and replace them with people who make less money. There is nothing moral about big business today. Its all about that me, myself, and I default position and that mantra that says it is righteous to be wealthy.

But what is there to do about it? God made a covenant with his people. He told them that he would take care of all their needs - but they still wanted more. Then he punished them. He tried again by creating laws. But the people used those laws as weapons, as a means to gain power for themselves, as a way to get ahead and lead. God punished them again. Finally, he came personally to show the people the way. He showed them that to be truly righteous you had to love and obey God and to serve others, not yourself. God showed us the REAL default setting we should have - that when push came to shove, it should be Other People As Much As Yourself - Even Your Enemies. Well, we killed God this time. We killed Him dead. Stuck Him on a cross. But that still didn't work.

That was the last warning. The next time God comes back, He's not going to try and explain to us what we've been doing wrong. He's done that already. We NEED to change our default settings - as a species, as a society, as individuals. We NEED to help others and take care of others - not as a matter of a tax right off, but as a matter of necessity. How can we be comfortable when others suffer without at least trying to do something about it? No stock portfolio or business acumen or list of accomplishments are more important than how we treat one another.

I wish I was successful at changing my own default settings. Lord knows I've been shown the way many times. But I still put myself first. I shall continue to try and change, and I urge you to do the same. That, ultimately, is all that we can do.

Learning to Walk Again

Not five minutes ago, I walked normally for the first time in weeks. I walked about thirty feet before my knee buckled out of fatigue. At least I think I'm past the point of lasting repercussions every time my knee buckles. Right now, I just need to re-strengthen the muscles that keep me walking, going up and down stairs, etc... Its a constant battle between doing what I want to do and doing what I can. If I overdo it, I might relapse and be right back to hobbling around again.

When I left Kenya, I had every intention of taking a short recuperation period then jumping in with both feet and doubling my efforts to help our partners there. But after returning, I discovered that I was hobbled by previous injuries. Every time I got started, some new source of pain seemed to hop up and drag me back down to where I had been before I left. In my fight to help the people of Kenya, I face a constant battle between doing what is right and doing what I can. Whether it be financially, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or otherwise, I am not a spring chicken anymore. I am afraid of relapsing - of returning to that pre-Kenya state of being.

But I am buoyed by the chance to put all my thoughts and feelings into my Kenya film. I have been pulling footage off of my camera and onto my computer for the last week with the idea of editing it together into a film about my experiences in Kenya. The more footage I watch, the more I am reminded of what it was that shaped me and defined me for three weeks of my life - the more strength I get in my soul to help me avoid relapse.

Kenya was a special moment in my life. If I can even do slight justice to the events that I experienced and the people that I met that transformed me, then my film will be a success. I already think that this might well be my best film ever made (and believe me, the footage sucks ;). I can't wait to show everyone and have them experience Kenya through my lens.

So, I'm going to remind everyone - May 1st, 2010 - the Kenya Dinner and Kenya Film screening. I hope to see everyone there. And I hope to be fully walking, if not running, by then.

The Importance of Being Me

I've come to the conclusion that dating sites don't work. Its not that I've given up on dating, just on the kinds of people that use dating sites. My working theory is that they are the same types that play the lottery - doing the least amount possible to win the life of their dreams. Hey, since I was on the site, I guess you can say that included me as well.

But it finally occurred to me that I've got more chance of finding the woman of my dreams by actually looking than by randomly floating my name and picture out there on the off chance that my perfect match is also looking and manages to spot me in the sea of a billion faces. In fact, I've got a better chance of finding my dream match by taking a picture of myself, writing my phone number on it, putting it into a bottle and throwing it in the ocean. At least that way I stand out from the billion faces as someone daring to take a chance on pure dumb luck.

I think the big thing I need to work on this year is to stop being a doormat to everyone. I do have an opinion and it does matter. I do have feelings and they matter as well. I guess this really came to a head for me on my Kenya trip. On the one hand, I was fine with being that piece of flotsam that fate pushed around. On the other hand, it annoyed me that I was the only piece of flotsam and everyone else was determining their fate. Cosmic cookies didn't crumble for anyone - so clearly upsetting the apple cart does not automatically tempt fate.

Its funny to me because I wasn't so wishy-washy when I supposedly knew better. When I was young, dumb, and selfish, I had no problem doing things my way. And I now look back on it and wonder if I wasn't better off then. Maybe dumb and selfish is the only way forward sometimes? It certainly worked for our last President. ;)

Mugendi

So ultimately what was it all about? Why did God have me travel to Kenya? Well, the answer might surprise you. I know it surprised me.

You see, I got to walk along that dusty road with the kids. I got to play soccer. It was hot. Everything in my vision of Kenya came true. But this was no Hollywood revelation. I didn't get the reality that went with the vision and suddenly have the music swell and realize that my life was meaningless and that I was supposed to save the world. Nope. Didn't happen that way at all. After a week, I had done everything I had come to Kenya to do according to my vision and... well, I didn't know what. I waited patiently for God to show me the way.

At almost the halfway point of the trip, I was told cryptically that one of the partners wanted to talk to me about some idea he had. At first I didn't know what he wanted. Eventually I saw him again for a few minutes and I asked what he wanted. "Have you thought about shooting some video of our organization? I'd like a copy of that. We'd use it in a promotional video." That was the entire length of the conversation.

I started thinking about how I'd make sure all of our four partners could receive copies of the footage that I took. And then I started thinking about tailoring my footage specifically to each partner so that the promotional video might actually work. And then... well, my mind was churning.

Over my final weekend there, a visiting pastor who didn't know me from any other Muzungu (white person), decided to give me a Kenyan name as part of his sermon. He looked me over and said, "Your Kenyan name should be Mugendi." I nodded, to be polite, since I had no idea what that name meant. After a minute, he said, "Mugendi means traveler... voyager..." I later learned that the term is closer to vagabond. Vagabond was the name of the production company that made my first film. It would seem that I had my confirmation.

On my last work day there, I started talking with all of our partners asking them if they would like to have someone come and make a promotional video for them. They loved the idea. And thus was Mugendi Films born.

My idea is still in its infancy - not very much more advanced than it was in Kenya. Mugendi will be a non-profit film company that will make promotional videos of other non-profits around the world. An organization that needs a promotional video to show their potential donors and partners would contact Mugendi and we would send out a film maker and an assistant to this partner to make a film. The film makers would then come back and edit a promotional video together for this partner for a website and a promotional DVD. Cost of the production would be free. Transportation would be covered by the film maker. Cost of living while making the film would be covered by the partner. Or in other words, I will pay to go back to Kenya to make four promotional films for our four partners. They will make sure I'm fed, housed, and transported while I am there. And there will be no other costs associated with the production. (Though we might have to figure out how to pay for things like film and DVD's.)

Anyway, God put this idea on my heart and let His zeal burn inside me. I tossed and turned at night in Kenya while I thought of how this would all work and how wonderful it would be for our partners and for other organizations to be able to get their message out.

I've got a long way to go before this is a reality. But I don't have any doubt that this is what God wants me to do.

More than meets the eye...

One of the members of the Kenya Mission Group wrote a wonderful essay for his website about how great and wonderful all of us Kenya travelers were for answering the call of God and going to Kenya. I can't really disagree with him.

This is supposed to be what we do. God calls us. We answer. And we are counted as Righteous for doing so. Every God fearing person knows that. Its something that we should count as a tenet of our faith. God calls. You go. You are Righteous. Simple. I knew this before I went. In fact, truth be told, it gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. Okay, spending all this money, traveling half way around the world, not going fishing this year... but I get to be Righteous when I'm done. Cool. I can dig it. Only, somewhere along the way, the warm and fuzzy feeling... well, darn it, it never quite appeared.

I read the article and I know I should agree with it. I know I should feel Righteous like one of God's heroes, but in actuality, I feel closer to Paul who said that he was God's worst sinner and that he should not be venerated at all. How can I do something so warm and tingly and feel so blah as a result?

I don't feel like a hero. I don't feel particularly Righteous. In pondering this mysterious gap between what I'm supposed to be feeling and what I actually am feeling, it occurred to me that I am no longer the person I was before the trip - the person that expected warm and fuzzy Righteousness. I have been transformed. February 3rd, I was a good Christian heading off to Africa cause God told me to go. February 27th, I became a good Christian who can't wait to go back to Africa because I need to go.

There's part of me that permanently in Kenya now. I can't describe it. I'm not one of these uber-travelers who counts two weeks in a foreign country as having lived there. I don't want to switch my citizenship or allegiance. I love the United States - even more so since I've returned - but part of my heart remains behind with the people of Kenya. All those arguments I had before, all those visions of rights and wrongs and the way the world ought to be versus the way the world is, have all been augmented by my experiences there. I can't read the Bible or hear of injustice without running it first through my Kenya filter. Its not that I see poverty here in the United States and say, "Well, its much worse in Kenya." Its more like I see poverty here in the United States and say, "I've seen real poverty and poverty sucks no matter where it is... I never really saw poverty before." My eyes have been opened. My heart has been opened. My soul has clarity.

Clarity of soul makes one feel unworthy of Righteousness, by the way. There is a realization that no matter how many times I go to Kenya or jump into the water to save drowning babies or feed the homeless or build houses or whatever, I will always be the selfish human being that I've been since birth. I am ultimately wicked and sinful like all human beings. The difference being, if there is a difference, is that I am now aware of that - really aware, not just someone told me something they once heard from someone else who read it in a book. I see the evil around me. I see the hurt and the pain. I see the need for God's grace in the world. And I know that I am part of the problem. And I wonder how I can become part of the solution.

So I need to return to Kenya at some point. I need to go back and help out where I can. I need to do that here as well on a much more frequent basis. But more importantly, I need to be constantly reminded that I am no longer WILL 1.0. I am a new Will - a better Will. I once was lost, but now I'm found, was blind but now I see.

Or to make a long story short... I once was a Honda Civic and now I'm a new Trans-Am complete with cool logo and red paint that can turn into a giant robot that fights evil robots from space.

Good Friday

How should I commemorate this day? That was the question running through my mind last night as I sat in the Maundy Thursday service. I knew that I would be working today and unable to attend worship services and so I wondered if there was anything that I could do other than be quiet and somber for three hours. What is appropriate? What is recommended?

I was thinking about that day and about what it meant to the disciples. We tend to look at the disciples reactions backwards, as if they had foreknowledge of the events about to transpire - and, of course, they ought to have. But I was rethinking that supposition and it occurred to me that Jesus's death would have come as a serious blow to them. Aside from the fear of being arrested and the loss of a friend, Jesus's death must have really rocked their faith in everything that they'd done for the previous three years.

Imagine going about your life as if everything was perfectly fine. Not only fine, but great actually. You just celebrated a huge victory, a huge accomplishment in your life and you're really optimistic that things are finally going to take a turn for the better. A week later, your life is a shambles. You've lost the thing most dear to you. You are a fugitive from all that you know. And everything you've ever thought you knew is called into question.

A dark cloud would descend over your life. It would be hard to see the good in anything. It would be hard to distinguish between friend and foe, between truth and lies. Everything, everywhere would be gloomy. It would feel like your life was at an end and all joy had been snuffed out.

How many of us are in the midst of our dark clouds? How many of us are reeling from life altering events? How many of us are staring into our own Good Friday's?

I think of the people of Kenya. Not all of them, mind you, but those especially for whom the world has turned its back and they are lost in the black cloud. Jesus seems dead to them. Hope is gone. Judith Taussig told me of one family that she visited while in Kenya