In Over My Head

I love the comments I've been receiving lately. Occasionally, I like to dive into philosophical waters way over my head. I've never been the type to simply accept what others have said. I like to think things for myself and try things out on occasion. If I reach a fork in the road, I say walk down both paths a certain way to see where they go, then decide. I don't do this out of indecisiveness or caution, I do it because I'm curious. Always have been, always will be.

So this last discussion has drawn some great philosophical debates for me. My brain has expanded and from that I should eventually gain some wisdom and deeper understanding of the world... or not. I'm not always quick on the uptake. I like to consider myself smart, but I'm definitely on the slow boat when it comes to learning. I think it has something to do with the way I learn - which is to immerse myself in a subject and learn as much as I can absorb before I start to drown in it. I'm filled with knowledge, my cup overflows, but understanding doesn't always come so easily. This had led some people to assume that I am smarter than I actually am. I'm okay with that.

But my motto lately has been stolen straight from Edie Brickell, "Throw me in the shallow waters, before I get too deep." I can't play with the intellectual giants, though I like listening in on occasion. Randall, for instance, is not only a lawyer, but he speaks German as well. His musings and philosophy are matched only by his grasp of theology. And his daughter is a pole-vaulter, so how cool is that? See. That's about my intellectual level. I can always find a shallower end of the pool to play in. I can't debate Kantian metaphysics, but you can't match me in Star Wars trivia.

For a brief time, in college, I was playing with the big boys. But I learned two important lessons in my last semester in college. First, playing with the big boys is dull and boring and only really impressive to other big boys. Second, no matter how big you become, there's always someone bigger. Someone will always be looking down on you. It'd be like finally reaching the big leagues only to discover that you were on a team filled with Barry Bonds'. I decided that my search for the origins of religion had probably reached its zenith and I went off to do something else. I knew when I was in over my head.

I think the hardest thing I've had to learn is that I have limitations. In Jr. High, I took wood shop because I wanted to make movie props. I asked for and received a wood working kit for Christmas that year. I ignored the teacher's projects and worked on my own design in class. I hacked away, chopped, chiseled, sanded, drew diagrams - everything a professional carpenter does. Then one day, I came to wood shop and discovered that my project was missing. I looked all over for it and couldn't find it. It had been nearly complete! I went to the teacher and asked him if he'd seen it. As I described it, he gave me a queer look and then he said, "Oh that thing? I thought it was scrap wood and I threw it in the wood pile." Okay, so I wasn't going to be a carpenter. Lesson learned. I still loved my final wood project even if I received an "F" on it. That was one more fork of the road I had to venture down before choosing another path.

I'd like to say that I've changed, that I've applied that lesson to the rest of my life. But I still think that you don't know your limitations until you try something. I also suck at fishing, but I go every year. Not really sure if I was a very good youth leader, but I did that for 8 years. Fairly certain that I offered little to the T-Ball coaching experience, but it was still fun to try. I'm starting to suspect I may never compete in an Eco-Challenge race, but still have hope for The Amazing Race.

Anyway, I'll keep trying. I'll keep failing. I'll keep asking questions. And I'll keep getting answers. Really, what else is there to do in life? How can anyone actually settle? I feel like a shark - resting is dying. I want to do more, see more, and know more - all the time. I just know that when I finally reach the mountain top, I'll be one of the last. But I will get there, eventually.