More than meets the eye...

One of the members of the Kenya Mission Group wrote a wonderful essay for his website about how great and wonderful all of us Kenya travelers were for answering the call of God and going to Kenya. I can't really disagree with him.

This is supposed to be what we do. God calls us. We answer. And we are counted as Righteous for doing so. Every God fearing person knows that. Its something that we should count as a tenet of our faith. God calls. You go. You are Righteous. Simple. I knew this before I went. In fact, truth be told, it gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. Okay, spending all this money, traveling half way around the world, not going fishing this year... but I get to be Righteous when I'm done. Cool. I can dig it. Only, somewhere along the way, the warm and fuzzy feeling... well, darn it, it never quite appeared.

I read the article and I know I should agree with it. I know I should feel Righteous like one of God's heroes, but in actuality, I feel closer to Paul who said that he was God's worst sinner and that he should not be venerated at all. How can I do something so warm and tingly and feel so blah as a result?

I don't feel like a hero. I don't feel particularly Righteous. In pondering this mysterious gap between what I'm supposed to be feeling and what I actually am feeling, it occurred to me that I am no longer the person I was before the trip - the person that expected warm and fuzzy Righteousness. I have been transformed. February 3rd, I was a good Christian heading off to Africa cause God told me to go. February 27th, I became a good Christian who can't wait to go back to Africa because I need to go.

There's part of me that permanently in Kenya now. I can't describe it. I'm not one of these uber-travelers who counts two weeks in a foreign country as having lived there. I don't want to switch my citizenship or allegiance. I love the United States - even more so since I've returned - but part of my heart remains behind with the people of Kenya. All those arguments I had before, all those visions of rights and wrongs and the way the world ought to be versus the way the world is, have all been augmented by my experiences there. I can't read the Bible or hear of injustice without running it first through my Kenya filter. Its not that I see poverty here in the United States and say, "Well, its much worse in Kenya." Its more like I see poverty here in the United States and say, "I've seen real poverty and poverty sucks no matter where it is... I never really saw poverty before." My eyes have been opened. My heart has been opened. My soul has clarity.

Clarity of soul makes one feel unworthy of Righteousness, by the way. There is a realization that no matter how many times I go to Kenya or jump into the water to save drowning babies or feed the homeless or build houses or whatever, I will always be the selfish human being that I've been since birth. I am ultimately wicked and sinful like all human beings. The difference being, if there is a difference, is that I am now aware of that - really aware, not just someone told me something they once heard from someone else who read it in a book. I see the evil around me. I see the hurt and the pain. I see the need for God's grace in the world. And I know that I am part of the problem. And I wonder how I can become part of the solution.

So I need to return to Kenya at some point. I need to go back and help out where I can. I need to do that here as well on a much more frequent basis. But more importantly, I need to be constantly reminded that I am no longer WILL 1.0. I am a new Will - a better Will. I once was lost, but now I'm found, was blind but now I see.

Or to make a long story short... I once was a Honda Civic and now I'm a new Trans-Am complete with cool logo and red paint that can turn into a giant robot that fights evil robots from space.