Apologies

I reached another dubious milestone today. I've now been writing this darn novel for two years. I'm happy to say that I'm almost half way done with the rewrites and should reach that mark by next week when I have another milestone - 6 months since I finished the first draft. But I should have never gotten into this thing without an exit strategy. There are times when I just feel like I'm never going to escape this thing, that its going to consume me and destroy me and ruin my life. And then there are days where something clicks and I feel on top of the world.

Being a writer means surrendering to writing. When the urge hits you, you write. If you don't, you feel terrible. Writing becomes your life. When you write, the world is great. When you don't write, the world is terrible. Even though you know that the world hasn't changed, you can't help but feel that way. Writing colors your whole being.

I say this because I want to apologize to all of you. I have not always been a good friend, brother, relative, or student. In fact, at times, I have been downright awful. I have been snippy. I have been vacant. I have been there in body only. I have been slow to respond and completely self absorbed. Though I try my hardest to keep relationships close, there are times when I completely disappear and the writing takes over. The writing becomes my own, my precious, my obsession.

I have known this about writing for years. I have known what it does to me. And yet, I choose to keep doing it. I'm not succesful at it. I'm not making a living doing it. I don't really love it. I don't even think I'm very good at it. It doesn't make me a better person. But, I can't walk away from it either. I'm going to be succesful at it. I'm going to make a living doing it. I'm going to love it. I'm going to be great. It's going to make me a better person. Why do any of us do the things we do?

So I'm sorry for being moody, withdrawn, self absorbed, possessed, and, well, insane.

Now, I'm going back to work on my novel... so leave me the heck alone! ;)