Tying up loose ends

At age 42, I am not a writer. I am not a film maker. I am not much of a office drone. I'm not exactly sure what I am, but I'm not any of these things that I set out to be. I'm either on one of the longest training programs ever invented, or I've been fiddling away while my life clock burns. But I was not completely cognizant of these obvious facts until God decided to drop a little bombshell in my midst - a drop of perspective and a new challenge.

About 8 weeks ago, while I was minding my own business at a mostly boring Presbytery Meeting, God told me to become a Commissioned Lay Pastor.

Now, before you all freak out and start giving me excuses, I want to save you a bit of time... I had the exact same reaction. Wait one minute here, God, did I hear you correctly? Did I understand it correctly? Is this some metaphor for changing my life? I was confused and desperate for clarification.

I started with research. The CLP program was started by the Presbytery mostly as a way for lay people to help out as Pastors in situations where no current Pastor could do the job. For instance, if a Church decided to offer a Spanish Language service, they might call a CLP that spoke Spanish if no regular pastor was available to do the job. In time, the CLP program had developed to include all sorts of Mission related calls that might need pastors - calls for CLP's to reach out to a local residential living home or a teenage program of at-risk youth, etc... Each CLP is associated with a specific church and their pastor's abilities apply only to their specific call.

I didn't have a call, per se. God told me to be a CLP, but He didn't suggest that there was a specific reason for one. I asked around to see if I'd missed something. Nope. No CLP needed.

In the meantime, I started some soul searching and came to the conclusion above. This was not a pity party, but just an acknowledgement that if my life was going to matter in some way to the Earth I will one day leave behind, it probably won't be as a writer, film-maker, or office-drone. Being able to relegate these things to a new proper place in my life, made me realize that I'd not only not reached my potential, but had, in many ways, stagnated.

AHA! I thought! This was a wake up call by God to realize my true potential. Thanks, God... I'm glad that's all it was... I would have been a terrible CLP, and...

The problem was, the CLP idea wouldn't go away. It occurred to me that whether I wanted to be a CLP or not was irrelevant. God had already written it on my heart. But maybe I'd misunderstood. Maybe, secretly, deep down inside in places I didn't want to think about, I had always somehow harbored some thought of becoming a CLP and it had just chosen that particular moment to bubble up and latch on. Didn't Freud say something about this?

The next day the cover of Presbyterian Monthly magazine at church blared, "Answering God's Call..." and that Sunday, the sermon topic was all about Jonah and Abraham and Moses answering God's call... So, maybe it was all a coincidence... but just in case...

I talked to Pastor J.D. about it. He told me about the program, asked me all the same questions I'd already asked myself, and seemed convinced that while I might not know the answers, I was certainly sincere in asking the questions. He said that I was in a period of Investigation - trying to understand God's call to myself.

I asked God bluntly the next day, Did I just make this up? Is this really what you want? Was I imagining the whole thing? I got my perfect answer that night.

On my way home, I had a sudden thought (in hindsight, it was as sudden and as clear as the thought that I should become a CLP) that Matt Cain was going to pitch a no-hitter that night. It wasn't that it was a stretch to imagine that Matt Cain could pitch a no-hitter. He can pitch a no-hitter any time he takes the hill. He's really good. It was the clarity and the certainty of the conviction in my head that made it stand out in my mind. In fact, as I got home and got out of my car, I thought, "I should probably watch the game tonight." But I didn't, because I had work to do. Of course, Matt Cain not only threw a no-hitter, he threw a Perfect Game.

I realized the next day that God had given me my answer. Just as there was no logical way I would have ever had a thought that I should become a CLP, there was no logical reason why I would have suddenly thought, Matt Cain's going to throw a no-hitter tonight. I've had these bizarre "premonitions" before, but few with the clarity and insight that I'd had on those two occasions. God was letting me know that I hadn't imagined things.

Okay. I'm committed now. To what? I still don't know. Since I never saw this coming, I really don't have any idea where I'm going next.

In the meantime, I'm tying up loose ends. I've been rushing to finish two movies before the end of summer. Those are the main two obligations I have left from my old life. I will continue to write, continue to make amateur films, and continue to be an office drone, but I will no longer consider these things to be the end result of my life. God has called me to do something different now. Who am I to ignore such a call?

A Psalm For Understanding

Lord, you delight me
with your call.
But I am confused.

I know what you want
But I don't know why.
You send me forth
and I am bewildered.

I go forth
into the wilderness
but I wander aimlessly.

Give me clarity, Lord.

You caught me off guard.
I was foolish in my delay.
I wasted time asking
for confirmation.

Who else could it be?
You set the stars in the sky,
you know their course
before their first illumination.

Your confirmation was perfection.
Anything less, and I
would have had reason to doubt.

Knowing that it is your call
does not tell me
why have you chosen me?

I am unworthy.
I am unprepared.
I am not the one that I would choose.

Give me clarity, Lord.

You have your reasons.
That is good enough for me.
Lead me to your flock.
Tell me what to do.

Give me the ability
to be your presence.
Your love to be my love.
Fill me with your spirit.

Send me forth, Lord.

Where there's a Will (Version 2.0)

I will be going incommunicado for a brief time. It's been coming on for a few weeks now.

As a previous version of me has said before, there are two sides to Will - the Creative Side and the Totally Kick Ass and Takes Names Intelligence Specialist Side. The wimpy, nice, creative side has been in charge now for a little over ten years. He's really done a number on this place while he's been in charge. Eeeuch!

Now, the other Will is in charge. And he doesn't like what he sees. And he's really not liking some of the things going on in his life. Therefore, I've stuffed Creative Will in a box for a while so that I can take care of some business.

Things are going to change around here. Rapidly. And then, I will return you to your regular... hippy... programming.

Preach the Gospel... use words if you must.

I think the worst thing that can happen to my brothers and sisters in Christ is to have a microphone, gavel, or TV camera shoved in their face. It seems that when a Christian is asked for their opinion on any issue, good or bad, they feel duty bound to answer the question with an authoritative response as if they speak for all Christians everywhere. Even in the rare case where these spokespeople do speak for all Christians, they seem to forget that they don't necessarily speak for God.

I say this because I have seen the struggles of faith firsthand in the churches and in larger regional bodies of church government over issues that divide the rest of the world as well. Abortion, Same Sex relationships, the Death Penalty, and on and on, these issues divide the church as easily as they divide the nation and the world. Yet if you turn on the TV there is always some Christian pundit ready to give an answer for the Church that is so authoritative, you would assume it was written in stone by the hand of God.

While I think every Christian ought to have the moral authority to speak their mind on these issues and to attempt to prayerfully discuss these issues with other believers and non-believers alike, I think this mind-set that some Christians have that their thoughts MUST be correct and that everyone else is wrong is starting to get out of hand.

It's one thing to say that you believe Same Sex relationships are wrong and that the Bible clearly spells that out. It's another thing to say that you should punch your children if they display same sex tendencies as one Baptist minister did a few weeks ago. That message flows from the outright conviction of the Baptist Minister that he is 100% correct in his thinking and that, therefore, the next logical step is to do whatever it takes to prevent such a horrible outcome for your children.

I read, too, of a conservative minister who has preached that extending the right to vote to women has been the cause of our great nation's demise.  Now you might think that God does not want women to be deacons or elders in your church (and certainly not ministers), but to suggest that their ability to think and to vote their conscience has somehow caused this nation harm is taking your religious views and perverting them to the point where they no longer support your thoughts but undermine them. You not only sound like a loon when you say things like that, but it also speaks to the fact that the words you are speaking are coming out of your mouth and not your heart.

My biggest issue with a great deal of what is being said by Christians is that these words have taken on legalistic, exclusionary tones that damage not only the work of the Church but also the message of Jesus Christ. The Bible says that They will know we are Christians by our love. These things that are being said show no form of love that I would ever want to be associated with - and I'm a Christian. You can imagine how the rest of the world views us.

I do not know what the solution is. I would not muzzle my brothers and sisters or attempt to control WHAT they say, only the way that it is said. You are free to have your convictions in Christ. You are free to disagree with mine. You are free to argue with me, plead with me, and entreat me to come over to your view. But please, do not allow your views of Christianity to come before God's. Speak with your heart, not with your mouth, and that will make all the difference.

A Change of Direction

For an entire year I've been working on a little piece of animated anarchy that I am happy to see finally deposited on Youtube. While it didn't actually take me an entire year to do the animation, it took me an entire year to reach the point where it was animated. I had to buy a new computer. I had to learn several new programs. I had to write scripts, cast parts, record voices, shoot live footage, shoot green screen footage, and a host of other technical things, all so that I could take a thing out of my mind and bring it to reality on Youtube. It may not be Pixar, but I'm pretty happy with the results.

But I had a clear deadline of May 1st for a reason. I need to change direction now. While I'll still be animating the rest of the 11 episodes of my series, the hard work of figuring out how to do it is done. The rest is just going through the paces and using my creativity to do the work. My focus must change now to two new challenges - one immediate and the other pressing, but with a little more breathing room.

I have a sermon to deliver on Pentecost Sunday and I've been letting my mind mull over the topic even as I have been praying without ceasing about the challenges of preaching. God is definitely leading me on a path, but I keep stopping every time I find a pretty view (expecting it to suddenly dawn on me where it is that I am going). I know that I will reach the end of the path and will have plenty of time to write the sermon, I just kind of wish to have it done sooner rather than later.

I'm also actively starting to put together my story and my script for my Folk Music documentary. For longer than I've been alive, my Dad has been associated with a group of people that were either in his Folk Music group in the 1950's or were associated with his group. They get together annually to sing and share stories in a Hootenany that has been ongoing for at least 30 years now. Though none of them ever had the kind of fame that is reserved for the lucky recording artists, they were in and around all the groups that did have that kind of fame. They played in the same clubs, borrowed music from the same sources, and even, on occasion, sang together. So, collectively, they have a fascinating insight into a period of American music that is rarely discussed or talked about (with the exception of the excellent A Mighty Wind). Of course, at its heart my documentary has to be about the music and the friendships that have kept them together for 50 plus years. Right now, I'm mulling over the best way to tell that story.

So... my hands are busy animating. My mind is busy documenting. And my heart and soul are busy walking down a path of God-led discovery. If there is any other part of me not otherwise occupied, I hope it finds a nice hot tub to soak in until it's needed.

The 99% Spring

As spring rolls around, we are once again forced to put up with the foolishness that was the Occupy Movement last year. While this group had legitimate grievances, their protesting turned into a sort of whining miasma of petulant protesting for the sake of protesting - like an entire movement made up of three year old temper tantrums. Needless to say, the whole Occupy Movement needed a time out, and that's exactly what we've all be enjoying over the winter months.

 But once again, spring returns and the Occupy Movement is back with a new slogan - the 99% Spring. Hopefully, their winter was a fruitful one and a time for reflection and a new strategy. Here are a few suggestions that I have for the movement on ways they can actually achieve some sort of progress.

First - DO NO HARM. I've always considered this tenant of the Hippocratic Oath to be a good first step for just about anything in life. If you can move forward without going backwards, you are making progress. The most effective protesting is always peaceful protesting. See Ghandi, Martin Luther King, etc...

Second - ACHIEVE SOMETHING. There are SO MANY THINGS that are wrong out there - pick one. Figure out a way to protest it, keeping the first idea in place. And then protest the heck out of it. In the past week, I've read articles about a Minnesota Hospital that replaced its front line staff with bill collectors so that it could collect on debts from people trying to access health care at their emergency room. What?! Seriously? I'd have an Occupy Movement right on their freaking lawn! Or how about the article the other day that talked about the sleazy, immoral, and probably illegal tactics of all these mortgage companies and banks doing robo-signing on foreclosure notices? How hard could it be to stage large peaceful sit-ins in their lobbies and parking garages? If nothing else, moving the Occupy Movement away from large family friendly parks and into places where these evil and immoral things are actually being done would also move the focus away from the protestors and towards the things being protested.

Third - GO HOME WHEN YOU'RE DONE. Look, even Jesus rested from time to time. MLK didn't constantly march on Selma. Ghandi didn't incessantly criss-cross India by foot and his hunger strikes rarely lasted more than a few weeks. At some point, you have to give the protests a rest and let people take a deep breath, so that they can agree with you and try to figure out how to correct these evils. If you are constantly protesting, then people are spending all their time trying to figure out how to make you stop protesting, not figuring out ways to actually address the issues you are bringing up.

These are my three simple suggestions to the Occupy Movement and the 99% Spring. I, henceforth, wash my hands of these radicals and loons... unless they should actually take some of these suggestions to heart.

Go Up, Young Man!

North Korea is quite the insular nation. They have closed their borders to pretty much anyone except China. Their people do not travel. They do not have any concept of the world outside their own borders. As a result, they are a dying race of static people living day to day with no concept of a brighter future.

As goes North Korea, so goes the world.

In 1944 when Germany started raining V-2 rockets down on England, the world woke up to the military possibilities of rocketry. Pretty soon there was a "space" race going on between the two leading industrial technology winners of World War II - the United States and Russia. Russia beat the United States by launching Sputnik and putting an orbital satellite in space first. This scared the hell out of the Pentagon and more money and funds were allocated to this strategic threat. We are still living in the shadow of Sputnik.

For more than 50 years now, our space bound technology has been largely tied to strategic threats. The only reason we went to the Moon first was to show Russia that if anyone was going to build a base there, it was going to be the United States. While it is true that NASA has been allowed to continue its existence doing scientific missions, the origins of NASA's birth and the reality behind its existence has always been quasi-strategic. If we weren't afraid of needing space ships to knock killer satellites and stuff out of the sky, we wouldn't need NASA anymore.

And yet, think of what the world has gained because of our "space" race, no matter the reason for its existence. Computers, satellites, cell phones, the internet, digital technology, wireless, fuel cells, etc... All of the greatest technological advancements of the last 50 years come about directly as a result of our ventures into space. Heck, if there hadn't been a space race, our schools wouldn't have upgraded their science and math classes and the United States continued dominance in these fields would not have been possible. It was our vision of a world outside our own that allowed the United States to grow and become the technological leader on this planet.

Now our fifty years of fame has dried up. At a time of economic crisis, our vision has become shrink-wrapped and bound inside our little borders. While we might not be as land-locked in our imagination as North Korea, we are every bit as earthbound. Our policies are based entirely around how to make things work now... not looking forward to the future. Technology in the last few years has produced things like... Facebook... Google... the I-Phone... a better 3-D film... Sure, we've also tackled disease and earthquake preparedness and cars that park themselves - but all of these things are designed to make life here better right now. Viagra does nothing to solve the hunger problems faced by 25% of the world. The proliferation of nuclear technology does nothing to solve the problem of over-population (though it could... in a hurry... unfortunately). Our brand new military aircraft, though very cool to look at, does nothing to alleviate our growing lack of resources as we strip this planet bare.

No, my friends, the solutions can't be found here on Earth. We need to expand our horizons. We need to change our insular views and start looking outwards again. We need someone with a vision to take the reins of our imagination and to lead us to a bright new future.

I'd much rather invest in the trickle-down theory of economics if I thought that there might be something incredibly new on the horizon. Putting half the budget of the United States into a project like a Lunar or Mars Colony would have repercussions for the world's economy that we couldn't even begin to imagine. But before we can do that, we need to have someone in charge that can rise above the petty challenges of today and see the importance of the challenges of tomorrow.

I am disappointed in God's people today...

Just a reminder from one of the great books of the Bible...

Micah 6:

1 Listen to what the LORD says:

“Stand up, plead my case before the mountains;
let the hills hear what you have to say.

2 “Hear, you mountains, the LORD’s accusation;
listen, you everlasting foundations of the earth.
For the LORD has a case against his people;
he is lodging a charge against Israel.

3 “My people, what have I done to you?
How have I burdened you? Answer me.
4 I brought you up out of Egypt
and redeemed you from the land of slavery.
I sent Moses to lead you,
also Aaron and Miriam.
5 My people, remember
what Balak king of Moab plotted
and what Balaam son of Beor answered.
Remember your journey from Shittim to Gilgal,
that you may know the righteous acts of the LORD.”

6 With what shall I come before the LORD
and bow down before the exalted God?
Shall I come before him with burnt offerings,
with calves a year old?
7 Will the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams,
with ten thousand rivers of olive oil?
Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression,
the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?
8 He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

9 Listen! The LORD is calling to the city—
and to fear your name is wisdom—
“Heed the rod and the One who appointed it.
10 Am I still to forget your ill-gotten treasures, you wicked house,
and the short ephah, which is accursed?
11 Shall I acquit someone with dishonest scales,
with a bag of false weights?
12 Your rich people are violent;
your inhabitants are liars
and their tongues speak deceitfully.
13 Therefore, I have begun to destroy you,
to ruin you because of your sins.
14 You will eat but not be satisfied;
your stomach will still be empty.
You will store up but save nothing,
because what you save I will give to the sword.
15 You will plant but not harvest;
you will press olives but not use the oil,
you will crush grapes but not drink the wine.
16 You have observed the statutes of Omri
and all the practices of Ahab’s house;
you have followed their traditions.
Therefore I will give you over to ruin
and your people to derision;
you will bear the scorn of the nations.”

What more could I possibly add?

You can't make this stuff up...

Star Wars - The ultimate space fantasy for a 7 year old kid. A young man learning to use his father's light sword to defeat the very evil Darth Vader with the help of a kindly old grandfather, a bad ass space pirate, and his furry alien sidekick who kind of looks like your teddy bear on steroids. There's a princess and a space battle, and then, literally with seconds to spare, the young man's new best friends come out of nowhere to save him so that he can make one of the most unlikely lucky shots of all lucky shots, thus destroying the Death Star and saving everyone he loves. How about that for a story?!

I think I've always been drawn to that ultimate story. Star Wars set the bar so high for most kids of my generation that I think we've all been trying to top it ever since. Bigger explosions! Bigger suspense! More sexy damsels! Better looking space pirates! Better dialog! Better special fx! But never that sheer surprise of that story that seems so familiar to us and yet was something we never saw coming. You can't outdo that. Once it's been done, you have to find something else that is even better - but not the same.

LOST was an original story too. A group of survivors of a plane crash trapped on a mysterious island. The story dealt with issues of life, death, redemption, betrayal, love, etc... all the good things a story ought to deal with. And yet, when it came time to go big or go home, many of the show's fans felt as if LOST had let them down. What expectations did they have for the show's finale, I wonder?

LOST was a fantasy and a bit of fluff, but it dealt with some heady human issues. Unfortunately for its ultimate success, it's formula was always to keep something back - to hide some aspect of its truth and wisdom from viewers so that they kept coming back for more... but also, by hinting that there was some other truth and wisdom hidden away from the audience, the show promised its audience some answers to things that quite frankly could not have answers without improving on real life. I mean, really, what did the audience think the writers were going to disclose about the Island that would have solved all the shows mysteries and explain its mythology and mystery all in one fell swoop to the satisfaction of all people? Such expectations about a fictional show are at best, unrealistic. And those few writers that have had the misfortune of trying to meet those expectations have ultimately fallen on the sword of hubris.

I bring all of this up because there is one story that trumps both of these stories, and the best part is that its a true story. A true story that is more heart pounding, thrilling and entertaining than Star Wars and that has an ending that beats the mystery and thrills of LOST? Yes. That's exactly what I'm saying.

I think the story is somewhat familiar to you all. A world of corruption. A once proud race brought to ruin by its own greed. An oppressive regime. A people crying out to be saved. And, of course, the all important prophecy of a savior that will bring the people out of ruin and defeat the evil empire! That is the background in which we find our savior Jesus Christ on the road to Jerusalem after three years of fulfilling the prophecies concerning him.

But this is where our true story diverges from the rest and that is what makes our story so much better than any human scripted drama. Because like most humans today who pay $12 to go to a theater for some light entertainment, the people of his time expected Jesus to arrive in Jerusalem and administer the beat downs of all beat downs on the corrupt rulers of the City and the oppressive Empire that held them all in thrall. They were expecting a kind of real life battle royal - where Jesus, the savior, would bring forth all the power of Heaven to bear on the earthly power of Rome in a winner takes all kind of fight. And Jesus did enter Jerusalem as a mighty and triumphant savior and the people did rejoice. But what they didn't know, and what most people still can't understand, is that this story had a very different ending in mind - an ending that would solve all the mysteries and explain its mythology and mystery all in one fell swoop to the satisfaction of all the people.

Instead of liberating the people from Rome, Jesus liberated them from death. And in order to do that, he had to be arrested, tried, beaten, and horribly murdered by the same corrupt officials that everyone had been expecting Jesus to beat down. There was no last second reprieve of Jesus crying out, "Father, please!" and then God dumping Pontius Pilate down an endless pit into the center of the Death Star. This was no fake sacrifice. This hero really died. Brutally. And his followers were scattered, demoralized, heartbroken and probably hunted.

But the conclusion is what makes this story incredible... Jesus defeats death and returns to Earth even more triumphant and radiant than anything the people could have ever imagined.

The thing that always strikes me about this story is that it is the Ultimate Story. There is no other story like it, nor can there be. Anything similar will always fail in comparison to the original... and so the only way the story can be topped is by finding something that is even more over the top, even more truthful, even more moral, even more compassionate, even more hopeful, even more good news than this one. From a writers stand point, I can assure you that no such story exists - nor will it ever.

So when people question my faith by throwing logic at me - how can you believe a story that's 2000 years old and often contradictory in parts? - I think about what they have to say and then I remember that tearing down a story is nothing unless you can find a better story to replace it. I can find flaws in Shakespeare, but that takes away nothing from the brilliance of his prose. I can find flaws in the Bible (or at least they seem like flaws to me) but these flaws can not diminish the fact that the story of Jesus is so perfect and so integral to history and explanations of life that no amount of flaws can diminish its essential truth.

Or to come full circle... this is a story you just can't make up. We're human. We just don't create stories that are better than the truth.

Adventure Saturday #2 - The Hiller Air Museum in San Carlos

On Saturday, February 18th, my brother and I went to the Hiller Air Museum in San Carlos. The museum has a fascinating collection focusing on the history of air travel, with specific emphasis on the San Francisco Bay Area. I learned so much about airplanes and air travel in the course of one morning that I was ready to don some goggles and hop in a WWI Biplane by the time I was done. I highly recommend this museum to any and all people who want to learn more about air travel.

Our day started with a nice quiet drive to the Hiller Air Museum. Considering the Bay Bridge being shut down this last weekend for construction, we were surprised at such a quiet and fast journey to the museum arriving just a few minutes before it opened.

The Museum, itself, is housed in one large building - about the size of a modern warehouse or very large car dealership. As you enter the vast main lobby, to the left you will find an incredible gift shop, to the right you will find the main exhibit space, and in the lobby itself there is a glass paneled meeting room (for lectures and such) and a few large aircraft dangling overhead.

The tickets for the museum can be purchased in the gift shop. Now normally I'm against such a blatant grab for dollars by forcing people into the gift shop in order to enter the building, but in this case I'll let it slide because this was quite the gift shop. Almost any kind of airplane or aircraft related item could be found in this gift shop - all of it quality stuff and reasonably priced. I think we spent a good fifteen minutes walking through the gift shop looking at all the wonderful stuff to buy. It actually put me in a great mood for the rest of the museum. We bought our tickets ($11 for adults), got our wristbands, and headed back into the lobby area.

We were immediately met by one of the museum's very friendly and helpful volunteers. He asked us if we'd been to the museum before and when we said we hadn't, he gave us the 19 Cent tour... pointing out where everything was and then showing us on the map. I hadn't even walked into the exhibit space yet and I was already impressed.

We crossed the lobby and entered the exhibit space. The various aircraft and exhibits in the space are presented, more or less, in chronological order from dates prior to the Wright Brothers flight all the way up to the future of air travel and NASA research area. The entire exhibition space is open air with many aircraft being so large as having to be suspended from the ceiling. There were plenty of information cards, plus a cellphone audio tour available at no extra charge.

I learned more about the history of aircraft in the first twenty feet than I had ever learned at the Air and Space Museum in Washington D.C.. Some of the more interesting things that I saw at the museum - a giant picture of a very early aerial exhibition at the area now occupied by Tanforan Shopping Mall, the actual mock up of the nose cone of the SSST plane that was never built by Boeing, a hover disc simulator that Hiller had been building for the military but that was never put into service (think of a one man hovercraft that can fly and you kind of get the idea), and an eastern bloc communist fighter craft still being built today that is so cheap that many westerners (with lots of money) are buying them as pleasure craft - imagine owning your own Top Gun fighter craft!

Upstairs in the main exhibition hall is a observation area where you can see the planes suspended from the ceiling at closer to eye level. There is also an area set aside for flying computer aircraft simulators (much like the ones you can buy for your computer at home) with the assistance of an actual flight instructor. It's an extra cost - $3.00 per 20 minute session - but you can get actual flight instruction while you do it. Naturally, this is where the kids gravitated.

Back into the lobby, looking for Dave, I discovered a vast aircraft maintenance and preservation lab that could be observed through glass. At the back of the lobby there is an open air courtyard that opens on to the San Carlos airfield. In the courtyard is the nose-cone section of a real life 747 jumbo jet. My brother Dave called me on my cell phone from the cockpit of the jet as he was busy playing with all of the myriad controls. I walked out to the back of the jet and entered the nose cone section at approximately first class.

The nose cone has the entire first class section of the 747 - both upstairs and downstairs - as well as the cockpit. I enjoyed sitting in first class - a section I doubt I will ever visit in real life - while my brother pretended being a pilot. Closest thing I've had to a playground experience in 30 years!

We finished our tour in the gift shop again where I managed to avoid temptation... mostly. I shall definitely be returning to this museum in the future. I really had a great visit and am ready to go back and learn some more.

Adventure Saturday #1 - The Charles M. Schulz Museum in Santa Rosa

First a little background: Consider this Season Two of Adventure Saturday. Season One was about four years ago and it was a video blog of my various "Saturday" adventures. I shot about six episodes, but I could never find a narrative that I liked in all that footage. It's probably something I'll throw on the website Archives section before too long. In the first season I visited Central Idaho for fishing on the Salmon River, Boot Jack Trail out of Muir Woods in Marin, Land's End Trail in San Francisco, Butano State Park near Pescadero, and took an Alaskan Cruise.

I always liked the idea of Adventure Saturday though and I recently realized that I was still going on these Saturday adventures even if I wasn't filming them. So I decided to continue the idea via blog. And now that you're caught up... on with Season Two.

This last Saturday, my brother and I decided to travel to far away Santa Rosa (60 miles north of the Golden Gate Bridge) for a visit to the Charles M. Schulz Museum in Santa Rosa. Neither of us had ever been to the Museum, so it was going to be a first time adventure for both of us.

Unfortunately we got off to a slow start on Saturday and by the time we reached our usual Marin breakfast place at The Bayside Cafe in Sausalito/Marin City, the restaurant parking lot was full. I had to skip my wonderful waffle and bacon and try to enjoy a McDonald's breakfast burrito at the nearby Seminary Drive location - definitely not an even exchange. However, we used the time at McDonalds to wisely download the directions to the museum onto our smart phones. And then, once we were done eating, off we went.

Depending on the traffic, driving north through Marin can either be a delight or a pain in the ass. Most Saturday's, however, its usually a nice drive. That was definitely the case this Saturday as it took us only a little over an hour to cover the 60 miles to Santa Rosa. Once off the exit, it was easy to follow the signs to the Museum which is located about ten blocks from the freeway.

The Museum is actually three buildings and two different parking areas. The first building you come to is a gift shop with all things Peanuts related. The second building is the Redwood Empire Ice Skating Rink that also houses the Warm Puppy coffee shop. In between these two buildings is the first parking area which mostly serves the ice skaters that are coming to the rink. The third building houses the museum itself and there is a museum specific parking lot behind the museum. All parking is free.

The Museum is two stories tall and has a courtyard in back and a garden/maze out front. Inside the museum there is a theater that shows Peanuts related cartoons all day long and also serves as a meeting space for guest speakers and artists. There is also a small museum specific gift shop off the main lobby. The rest of the museum is devoted entirely to the Peanuts and to its creator, Charles Schulz.

The first floor of the museum has a couple of rotating galleries of Peanuts strips as they relate to particular topics. On our trip, the first gallery was showing The Peanuts and Women In Sports, which covered how Charles Schulz and the Peanuts gang were strong advocates of Title IX and other women in sports. The second gallery was all about the Peanuts and Travel showing all the various strips where Snoopy went on visits to places all over the world and what prompted the travel.

The second floor of the museum is devoted to the life of Charles Schulz. In addition to the creation of the Peanuts, there is an excellent timeline of his life, many displays of the influences on his career, and finally, his entire office is preserved for you to see. The man had an excellent library.

There is a short film on the first floor that talks about the creation of the museum, but also gives some interesting facts on the daily life of Charles Schulz in Santa Rosa. He used to eat breakfast at the Warm Puppy Cafe and then go back to his house to work before heading back to the cafe for lunch and for a chance to watch the ice skaters on the rink. He also started and hosted an International Seniors Hockey Tournament every year and usually participated with his own team. This year the Tournament will draw over 50 teams from all over the world!

For lunch, I walked over to the Ice Skating Rink and went to the Warm Puppy Cafe and ordered a Tuna Fish sandwich - just like Charles Schulz used to eat every single day. There was a table still reserved for this kind and gentle genius. Outside the ice skating rink and cafe, many of the top ice skaters in the world have been invited to sign their name in the cement. It was fun to walk around the rink and find all the names of my favorites.

The entire museum would have taken all day to go through. Each of the strips are the normal original artwork size - about 1 by 3 feet and certainly easy enough to read. There are hundreds of them and plenty of information behind their design, and back story. That and all those wonderful Peanuts specials playing in the theater and you could easily get lost in Peanuty goodness. We decided to save something for our next visit.

The drive back was just as pleasant and we ended our Adventure Saturday with a nice drive down the Great Highway.

Next Saturday, we're headed to the Hiller Air Museum on Highway 101 near San Carlos. If you're interested in meeting us there, let me know.

I find my lack of faith disturbing...

First of all; the new website will not stop me from posting. Website is creative. Blog - decidedly less creative ;) But that brings me to my next blog post...

In cataloging all of the myriad projects I'm working on, I often give short shrift to the religious aspects of my life. Currently if I add up the long list of items that I do for my faith it might seem like a formidable pile o' stuff. Besides being an active church attender (a feat in and of itself in this hectic world), I am an active Church Elder and have recently been participating in the church on the regional level (San Francisco Presbytery) and the local level (San Francisco Urban Ministry group). Beyond that, I am a member of the choir and the bell choir, and am still an active participant in the Kenya Children Mission Project. As for other projects, I am still editing my KCMP video and am re-writing my church's Lenten play on the Last Supper. It seems like a lot except when stacked against all the other things I do.

Recently the KCMP has been discussing the disciplines we pledged ourselves to do as part of our solidarity with the Kenyan children and also as a way to seek a closer relationship with God. Of these disciplines, I do exactly NONE on a daily basis. On a monthly basis, I maybe do two or three. Despite having all of these "projects" that I do for my Church and for my God, when it comes to my own personal relationship with Christ, I really don't have much of one.

What it really comes down to is that fact that I lay my relationship down so that I can deal with "real" things and not intangible things that are little more than hocus pocus and wishful thinking. Prayer? Really? What does that accomplish? I be quiet and think things to an imaginary presence in my mind. That's not entirely true, of course. I've seen God's power in real life. I've felt his answers to prayer before. And yet, when push comes to shove and I need to decide whether to pray or whether to "accomplish" something, I choose my own power over God's every single time. My faith in God, it seems, only applies when I'm so far in over my head that I have nowhere else to turn.

It makes me wonder whether I am just human and flawed and failed or if I should be applying more effort to the task of turning my WHOLE life over to Christ and not just the parts that I can't do myself. Perhaps its a bit of both. God clearly wants me to write... He wouldn't have given me a talent for it otherwise. But at what point do I stop writing for me and starting writing for Him?

I will be returning to my disciplines in the near future and I hope that you'll find the time to pray for me so that I might discover the time to pray as well. In the meantime, God, can you please allow me to be reminded every once in a while of your awesome power? (I fear the answer to this question... and that shows that my faith is active).

I Get Knocked Down...

So the extremely brief "relationship" ended before it really got started. I'm not angry about that, just sad because it didn't work out. Still, I'm not sure it would have worked anyway. What I find depressing about the entire experience is the cumulative nature of my defeats. It can feel, at times, that I'm always on the losing end of life.

But I think that's what makes human's human. Its not our victories, its our defeats. Its not our triumphs, but our failures. That the ultimate human being humbled himself to the point of being convicted and sentenced to death while being blameless in anything shows us this dichotomy - fully human (can't get much more of a fail than being rounded up by a mob, beaten up, star in a gloriously fake sham trial, sentenced to death and killed in just about the most gruesome manner possible), and fully God (and yet, at any moment, He could have stopped the sun in the sky, breathed on any person in Jerusalem and turned them to dust, or called down an entire army of angels to not only save Himself but to destroy anyone that might have sought to harm Him). He didn't. He died. He allowed Himself to be murdered - brutally - and with all the weight of the greatest empire the world has ever known behind the murderers. Talk about your ultimate perspective test. Compared to crucifixion, everything else seems pretty hunky-dory.

Time to soldier on. I can pick myself up. Dust myself off. And move on to bigger and better things. For a guy who draws on his past so often in writing stories, I sure don't like to live there.

Oh, and what a perfect time to plug my revamped web-site. It's simple. It's straight-forward. And so far, it is filled entirely with new content. So go there to read my billion dollar franchise idea (Die, Bond, Die), or to see my new teaser trailer or behind the scenes look at The Amazing Mole Too, or to read up on the other projects winding their way forward (like my Kenya Children's Mission Project DVD - so almost done! - and my Folk Music documentary). Here is the website: www.tacopdet.com

Enjoy!

How empty are you?

From Journey Inward, Outward, and Forward - the radical vision of the Church of the Savior by Jeff Bailey:

The breaking free of our "addiction to the culture" is something the Church of the Savior gives great attention to. Says Gordon: "Most of us are living, to some degree, as addicted persons, striving anxiously after power and money and prestige and relevance, trapped in the turbulence of wanting more. These addictions are so subtle for most of us that we have the illusion of being free people when in actuality we are immersed in society's expectations. We have given ourselves to God, but who decides what we do with our lives? Usually, we do. We are subtle control freaks, truly believing we are turning over to God but demanding a minimum of comforts, whether it be good health or a secure home or caring friends. We are addicted to having more and more comfort, which society says we deserve."

"We are addicted to things that money and power can buy. We spend more on entertainment and pet care and toiletries that on the needs of children barely existing in poverty; we strive after positions that seem important in our jobs and churches, whether or not God is calling us to them; we long to be noticed and honored, superficially if necessary. We forget that Jesus, 'though he was in the form of God, did not consider equality with God as something to be exploited, but emptied himself.' Our culture promotes a constant filling up, but our disciplines will draw us toward greater emptiness, so that we can be better prepared for obedience and, ultimately, for finding our place in God's plan - finding true relevance."

Convicted.

I constantly have to remind myself that the name of this blog is ICON... as in, I con nobody but myself. It is easy to take a trip to Kenya and ride that wave of self-righteous feeling for a few years. I've DONE my part. I'm so far ahead of all those Wall Street capitalists! But the reason I feel the way I do about Kenya was precisely because I did empty myself (and my bank account ;) to make that journey. It was an act of faith. But, so what? Did I remain empty?

No, I filled myself up with lots of other non-Christian junk. This is my own doing really. My re-immersion into American culture was part and parcel with my Kenyan transformation. As one made me more aware of the plight of third world countries in a way that has to be experienced, the other was a reminder to myself that I live in the greatest country on Earth and, gosh darn it, it's good to be king. (Hmm... I just had a thought. I have a character in the novel I'm writing describe someone just like me (in a poor light, to be sure). Maybe I was channeling some of my internalization?)

I realize now that I've been coasting. I've been going back to the world when I had gone so far to remove myself from it. Its time to rededicate my life to God's purpose... again... for the zillionth time. I hope I haven't used up my 70 times 7 Forgiveness Plan yet.

The Nicholas Sparks Formula... in reverse...

Everyone knows the Nicholas Sparks formula. For an author that has written such modern love stories as The Notebook, Message in a Bottle, and Nights in Rodanthe, the formula is pervasive and yet never seems to limit the enjoyment of the story. Boy meets Girl. Boy and Girl fall in love. Tragedy befalls Boy (or Girl). Love endures.

Now normally I'm not one who thinks of formulas as being anything other than author-made shapings of the universe to serve a creative need. Nicholas Sparks writes to his formula because, quite frankly, it makes him gazillions of dollars. I wish I had thought of this formula years ago. However, in my case, I have quite a different formula in mind - one that actually happens... in real life... to me... every single time.

I call it my curse. It goes something like this. Boy meets girl (or is set up on a blind date... either way). Boy and girl agree to go out. Boy shows up and... tragedy befalls... always... on first date. It's actually comical in some ways.

So, after many years of avoiding this curse, I finally met someone that I thought it would be fun to hang out with. Now came the tricky part. I had to figure out a way to hang out together without bringing the curse. I very carefully phrased the invitation as a friendly affair - two chums kicking back for a nice lunch and a movie. Totally casual. Everything cool. Best buds. Nothing more, oh fates... nothing more.

Well, to make a long story short, Fate wasn't fooled. On Saturday, I drove over to pick up my "Not-A-Date!" for our little friendly adventure. She was waiting for me out in front of her apartment looking rather beautiful in a white sweater and pants. I pulled up in front and unlocked the door... and in her eagerness to get started on our not-date, she reached down and yanked open the door so fast that it smacked her right in the face.

I was horrified. Was she okay? She climbed into the car and sat down and checked herself out - a small gash on her face, a tiny amount of blood, and a lot of embarrasment, but other than that, she was fine. It was only then that I realized that the curse had struck again. No matter how much I was trying to pretend that this wasn't a full on date, no matter how much I was trying to keep hidden the fact that I liked her potentially as more than just a friend, Fate had seen right through my obfuscating shenanigans and walloped my date with the curse anyway.

Needless to say, I laughed. It was a mixture of relief that she was okay and a realization that fate was confirming that this was, in fact, a date. Besides which, if I was going to have the curse hit, the first ten seconds of a date are infinitely preferable to the last ten seconds.

We had a great lunch at a Japanese restaurant. Then we went to see "Hugo" at a local movie theater. Afterward, I drove her to the mall where she needed to get her sunglasses repaired and then I took her home. No other calamity befell our adventures for the day - in my book that almost counts as a perfect first date.

Now, next time, I will lock the car door, get out of my car, and come around and open the door for her. Of course, fate is tricky. Who knows what else might happen? Stay tuned...

Overcoming and Forgiving (Lord, its not easy being cool...)

I used to drink the kool-aid. My Dad's first computer was a TRS-80 - the first home computer on the market. It wasn't a toy, but I played with it all the same. He taught me how to program. When I went to Jr. High, they had just been given a grant of brand new Apple II's. None of the teachers knew what the hell to do with a computer. Apple was aggressively trying to capture the education market. They placed the computer in the library where, you know, the nerds hung out. I taught many of the school's teachers how to program the Apple Computers. They were sleek, star treky cool. It was a love affair - a doomed love affair, as it turned out.

All through high school I was an Apple lover. I had my own personal Apple IIe that I loved to death. I would be up until all hours of the morning typing away all my great stories and an occasional homework assignment. When I graduated from high school, my Apple IIe went with me to college and then to the Navy. I plunked away on it and thought that our love would never end. When my printer finally crapped out while I was stationed in Hawaii, I bought a brand new one. It was like taking my cherry red Lambourghini and making it into a convertible. That was the best printer I've ever owned.

I got out of the Navy and went back to school. Five days after the warranty expired on my great and wondrous Apple printer, it died. BAM! Just like that. I tried to fix it. No luck. I tried to call Apple to see what I could do. They couldn't give me the time of day. I was in despair. I left for Idaho State with my computer and my busted printer and hoped that I could somehow get it working again. That didn't work. So I signed up for an Apple loan to get a new Apple computer and printer... and I was denied. Denied. My love affair was dashed and my sincere love for all things Apple turned into anger, frustration, and then hatred. I refused to use their products ever again.

Today, I read with obvious disgust the news that Apple wants to once again corner the educational market by putting text books on to Ipads. Duh! Naturally! The multi-billion dollar text book industry would be beholden to Apple. It was a real no-brainer for Apple.

But, suddenly, in the midst of all my distrust and long standing hatred for Apple, I had another realization - a glimpse back to that nerdy library loving student in Jr. High playing with his Apple computer during his lunch hour. In a rush of strange feeling and long lost nostalgia combined with a clear vision of students flipping through cool educational software and interactive books on their sleek star-treky type Ipads, I melted. I knew that despite the horrible customer service that I'd received from my favorite computer company years ago, this idea was a perfect one - a synthesis of modern technology and educational reform that is long overdue.

There are problems with Apple's proposal, but the gist of it is dead on. I, for one, think all students in America should be replacing their old text books with Ipad's.

And that's the way forgiveness begins.

Sacrificial Lamb

Something occurred to me yesterday while I was thinking about my play and I wanted to run this past my very smart readers for comment.

Its perhaps not a coincidence that the Last Supper was at the time of a passover meal. Passover, after all, was to be comemmorated annually by the Jews as a remembrance of the fact that God directly intervened to free them from bondage and to begin their journey to the Promised Land. Jews were required to kill a young lamb without defect and spread his blood on the lintel of the door or be killed. God did this to honor the covenant he had made with Abraham.

Jesus, of course, takes the opportunity of the passover feast to create a new covenant with his disciples - a covenant of wine and bread, symbolizing blood and body. Jesus then offers himself up as the young lamb without defect to be sacrificed so that whosoever believes in him shall have everlasting life. This being the final culmination of the law and the prophets.

Anyway, I hope you can get the gist of what I'm saying here. I'm curious to read what you all think about this.

The Emotional Journey to The Last Supper

I've been tasked with updating my The Last Supper play that we performed at my church last year. Considering that it was my first play and that I was sorting out a complex story in a short space, it wasn't performed so much as workshopped. I took a great many notes from my co-Directors and vowed that I would return a much pared down version of the play this year.

But in starting the re-writing of the play, I realized that it wasn't enough to just take the stuff I'd written before and shorten it. While I do need to shorten the play, I also need to still have a valid journey for the audience to follow whether they be Christians early on their walk or those who have walked around the block more than a few times. This means that I, once again, will need to reexamine this oft told tale and find a new "shorter" relevant story that I can tell while still constrained by the format issues and other restrictions placed upon me from the earlier version.

To wit: I need to introduce all 12 disciples and show the events leading up to and including the Last Supper (and this year I also wish to add the Garden of Gethsemane) and I need to do it in half the time.

But this post isn't about the literary journey I will now embark upon, but upon the (very abbreviated) spiritual journey I must take in order to tell this story once again.

While I love the Christmas story and the Christmas season, from a writers standpoint Holy Week is way more compelling for story telling purposes. Here you have a group of men that have been together for nearly three years coming into Jerusalem to celebrate Passover together little knowing that their week will end tragically before turning miraculous. But here's the thing - I don't get to explore that last part of the story. I only get to tell the story up until the point of the betrayal. And that's what makes the story so compelling. If Jesus had gone to Jerusalem and just been arrested for inciting a riot, I'm not sure this story would have been as interesting. But no... he was betrayed... and by one of his own men.

We've seen this theme before - many times - in movies and television. The hero is taken out by one of his own men. I always find it hard to fathom. I've been on the losing end of many a fight, but I've never been betrayed by a friend before. And I've never had a reason to betray a friend either. I can understand the motivation from an intellectual point of view, but let's be honest - betrayal is almost always emotionally motivated.

What could have been Judas's emotional motivation? Greed? Jealousy? Some sort of twisted misplaced love?

I know that the rest of the disciples were completely perplexed at the idea that anyone would betray Jesus. Their emotional journeys are a little harder to map because everyone has their own insecurities and internal questions that they need to answer. In a good story, thought, words, actions, and emotions all follow the same pattern - so that what a character does is part thought, part word, part action and part emotion. Or, in other words, what a person does is who that person is. Braveheart refuses to ask for mercy at the end because that is who he is. On a deep level we understand his thinking, his lack of words, his actions, and his emotions. To try and capture that sort of journey for the disciples in half the time... well, it's fun to try.

I think writing this play the first time through taught me the story in a way that I had never actually understood it. But this time, to perfect the play, I need to own it. I need to be not just the fly on the wall, but the thirteenth disciple (the one painting the group portrait ;) who explains the story in a way that makes it relevant to today without changing the story one bit.

Oh... and I have to deliver a final copy in like three weeks. It's time to put on some track shoes... this is going to be an intense, but short, journey...

Spontaneous Faith

A man walks up to you on the street. He's clearly seen better days. He asks you if you've got money cause he's hungry. Do you... A) Give him the money, no questions asked. B) Take him somewhere to get a meal. C) Pat your pockets, mumble something about not having any money, and walk past him. D) Ignore him.

Now, let's be honest here... Sure, we'd all like to answer A or B to every single guy that walks up to you on the street, but I'm guessing that the vast majority of the time we actually answer C or D. Does this make us bad people?

Actually, that's not the question I want to answer, and its not the blog I want to write. You see, the short answer should be that we answer A every single time - without thought or question. Lord, when did we see you hungry and on the streets and refuse to buy you food? But that's a guilt trip that none of us want to consider. And yet, consider it we do. In that split second of time before we roll off one of four answers, our minds run through an entire gamut of questions. Who is this guy? Why is he hungry? Is he a drug dealer? Will he harm me? How much money do I have? Should I even take out my wallet? What's the right thing to do? Am I being a bad person? Will I be a good person if I give him money? Do I have time for this?

If you read my last blog post you may recognize this pattern of behavior. In my writer's mind this is what I call looking for the perfect answer to the situation. And yet, whether its a homeless guy on the street asking me for a sandwich or a potential girlfriend standing in front of me and I'm contemplating asking her out, the endless amount of questioning all point to the same set of insecurities.

The only thing human beings really want in life is to be loved unconditionally. Since we are all gravely disappointed in this desire, we form neurosies about love, connection, and trust. We know that humans being human means that there is nobody on this planet that will ever love us unconditionally. As a result, our minds put up barriers and tests and all sorts of flotsam and jetsam that prevent us from ever loving anyone else unconditionally as well.

BUT, that doesn't mean that unconditional love doesn't exist. God has unconditional love for us. So much love, in fact, that He sent His only begotten son, Jesus Christ to us and then allowed us to kill him.

Apparently, human beings can be counted on to kill those things that threaten us with the one thing we most desire. I've seen it play out again and again and again. The more someone loves and trusts someone else, the more they try to sabotage that relationship in some sort of misguided attempt at proving that their love is unconditional.

Anyway, God loves us unconditionally. When we desire unconditional love, we desire God. That's it. That's the only place you're ever going to get it. God IS Love. LOVE is God. Quite frankly, its hard enough to believe in God, let alone believe in the idea that God has unconditional love for us - but that's because we're human and, because we're human, we have this misguided desire to prove that God's love is unconditional.

What the correct answer to the first question asked is - and this is going to be hard to wrap your noodle around - that this is not a question. At heart you know that God desires you to love your neighbors as yourself. If you were hungry, you'd get something to eat. If you saw a guy that was hungry, therefore, you should get him something to eat. No questions need to be asked. You'd just do it as easily as you breath, or think, or speak. Because you'd be so in sync with God's love that you wouldn't have any questions to ask. Your faith, then, would be spontaneous... ingrained... part of you in such a way that thought becomes deed at the same moment.

Abraham, perhaps the greatest of humans when it comes to faith, was asked to drop everything and move to another country. He didn't bat an eye. Okay, he said, and he started to pack.

Me? It'd take me six months just to plan the trip. And then another year or two to raise money to go. And then finally, I'd pack up, send out change of address cards, attend several farewell parties, give a few speeches on the importance of my journey, blog about it a zillion times, make sure my camera was charged... before I finally took one step out in faith.

Sorry for the rambling... but this post was anything but spontaneous. I've been thinking about it for a while... perhaps a while too long.

Spontaneous Courage

There have only been a few instances in my life when I've delved into spontaneous courage - usually events thrust upon me that required me to make a choice right then and there. Some worked out well for most parties - when my Mom fell down the stairs I called 911 and then took care of her until the ambulance arrived, remaining calm all the way - and some worked out not so well - when I saw a young skiier stranded in a snow bank, I went in to help only to become trapped in the snow bank as well. The fact of the matter is that I didn't lack courage or overthink the situation, I just dove right on in.

For most people, jumping right into a situation is not an unusual trait. I was born differently though and given the gift of a writer's mind. The writer's mind never shuts down. Honestly, it is a 24/7 mind that keeps on churning out ideas even while I sleep. The problem that this creates is that I am used to thinking first and then acting. Now that might sound like a very good principle to follow, and generally it is, except that my writer's mind doesn't just think about things - it perfects them first.

The classic example of the way my mind works:

As a child, I would play make-believe, as kids are wont to do. But unlike other kids, I would replay my make-believe scenario over and over and over again until I got just the right amount of drama applied. It wasn't enough that my hero had to jump on the rocks to escape the lava. No. There had to be dinosaurs. And demons. And a sword that had to be snatched. And a big fight scene with the Devil where limbs were hacked off. And the world was about to end unless the hero saved the day. And there was a princess... I think you get the idea. Over and over again, I'd replay this make-believe scene until I had just the right amount of complexity and pathos for it to be the BEST scene ever.

Now apply that kind of thinking to something mundane like asking a girl out. Most guys would simply walk up to a girl, take a deep breath, and spit out the words. Five seconds later, win or lose, they guy would have his answer. Not me. I would run through every single scenario. Every possible win. Every possible failure. I would determine what was the best way to ask. When the best time to ask might be. What I should be wearing. Where I might do the asking. And how I might sound incredibly romantic and cool. I would do this in my head, over, and over, and over again. Each time looking for just the right amount of complexity and pathos for it to be the BEST attempt at asking a girl out ever.

I didn't ask a lot of girls out. Way too many possibilities of failure. It wasn't that I lacked courage, per se, but that I lacked the sort of courage that allowed me to brave the outcome regardless of the odds against me.

I lack the courage to let the chips fall where they may. I have been trying to control every single variable of every single situation my whole entire life. Its what writers do. We control the information we give you. We control what side of the characters you see. We purposefully keep things back, as if secrecy adds to entertainment value. And the real sad thing about it is, I can't imagine doing anything else. My brain is not wired to react differently.

Even now, as I write this, my mind is trying to churn out a way to ask a girl out. I'm creating some compelling reason as to why I should, or shouldn't do it. I'm putting it in writing, because that's what I do - it's the way I think. I simply can't walk up to her and say, "Hey, want to go out for lunch some time?" Or should I say something else? Maybe coffee? Dessert?

The problem with analyzing yourself is that you start to ask why you're analyzing yourself and then you question your need to analyze yourself and to analyze your analysis... etc, so on and so forth. It's an endless rabbit-hole that you've started down.

I'm working up some spontaneous courage. This, of course, will never work. Because for it to work, it would have to be spontaneous.

Maybe I should just settle for courage and leave the head shrinking to someone else?