Slinky Body Parts Update!

What walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, and makes a creakity sound?

It's me! It's me! You know it's me! Everyone knows it's my knee!

It's my knee, it's my knee, it's no fun and bound to annoy.

It's my knee, it's my knee, it's no fun for a girl or a boy.

Everyone knows its my knee!

What can I say? I turned 40. I passed my warranties expiration date and right on schedule things start to break down!

The most annoying thing? Literally, the day after my left knee starts to feel good enough to walk on normally, my right knee goes down in pain (probably from overwork). At least my knees are finally starting to work together again - though I wouldn't exactly say its been pain free.

I think its safe to say that I won't be running the Bay to Breakers this year.

Time's up?

I had a thought on the way to work today. What if this is it? I'm picturing a world 20 years down the line where you are trying to explain to people that there used to be things called phones that allowed you to talk to people anywhere on Earth - and they could also take pictures - and imagining the incredulous looks on people's faces who have never known such technology. It has been our fortunate experience over the last sixty years or so to experience a technology boom like no other in history. But if history has taught us anything in the past, its that we shouldn't get too comfortable.

I don't mean this to be a doom and gloom piece. This wasn't a fearful response to some news story or worry that Global Warming is real. I'm not really worried about a nuclear holocaust or asteroid wiping us all out. Such fears are hardly helpful and really, there's nothing that can be done about them anyway. I was simply idly speculating on whether this is to be humanities golden age (until the next golden age, that is).

Of course, it begs the question about what our technology has really done for us. I imagine that the post-golden age crowd are going to be fairly unimpressed with descriptions of cable TV or computers or the internet or i-phones. They are going to be more impressed with the fact that we had refrigeration and water (even in the desert!) and vehicles that could go 400 miles in one day.

There is no guarantee that technology will continue to get more advanced. We are one eruption away from grounding most air travel, for instance. And a good solar flare could wipe out telecommunications.

In all this speculation I realized that the one reason we have enjoyed such a prosperous time period has been entirely because the United States has been the super power of the world for the last 60 years. We have promoted intellectual freedom and commerce to the rest of the world and defended it vigorously during that same time. Such values have allowed technologies and communications to flourish. For all of this anti-American talk out there, the rest of the world should recognize our role in shaping the future. They may not always like the intellectual freedom that we support, but I guarantee they like its results. It is those results which make us the envy of the world - not our might, but our rights. Hopefully, as long as we remember that, and the rest of the world understands it, this Golden Age will continue for years and decades and centuries to come.

In Over My Head

I love the comments I've been receiving lately. Occasionally, I like to dive into philosophical waters way over my head. I've never been the type to simply accept what others have said. I like to think things for myself and try things out on occasion. If I reach a fork in the road, I say walk down both paths a certain way to see where they go, then decide. I don't do this out of indecisiveness or caution, I do it because I'm curious. Always have been, always will be.

So this last discussion has drawn some great philosophical debates for me. My brain has expanded and from that I should eventually gain some wisdom and deeper understanding of the world... or not. I'm not always quick on the uptake. I like to consider myself smart, but I'm definitely on the slow boat when it comes to learning. I think it has something to do with the way I learn - which is to immerse myself in a subject and learn as much as I can absorb before I start to drown in it. I'm filled with knowledge, my cup overflows, but understanding doesn't always come so easily. This had led some people to assume that I am smarter than I actually am. I'm okay with that.

But my motto lately has been stolen straight from Edie Brickell, "Throw me in the shallow waters, before I get too deep." I can't play with the intellectual giants, though I like listening in on occasion. Randall, for instance, is not only a lawyer, but he speaks German as well. His musings and philosophy are matched only by his grasp of theology. And his daughter is a pole-vaulter, so how cool is that? See. That's about my intellectual level. I can always find a shallower end of the pool to play in. I can't debate Kantian metaphysics, but you can't match me in Star Wars trivia.

For a brief time, in college, I was playing with the big boys. But I learned two important lessons in my last semester in college. First, playing with the big boys is dull and boring and only really impressive to other big boys. Second, no matter how big you become, there's always someone bigger. Someone will always be looking down on you. It'd be like finally reaching the big leagues only to discover that you were on a team filled with Barry Bonds'. I decided that my search for the origins of religion had probably reached its zenith and I went off to do something else. I knew when I was in over my head.

I think the hardest thing I've had to learn is that I have limitations. In Jr. High, I took wood shop because I wanted to make movie props. I asked for and received a wood working kit for Christmas that year. I ignored the teacher's projects and worked on my own design in class. I hacked away, chopped, chiseled, sanded, drew diagrams - everything a professional carpenter does. Then one day, I came to wood shop and discovered that my project was missing. I looked all over for it and couldn't find it. It had been nearly complete! I went to the teacher and asked him if he'd seen it. As I described it, he gave me a queer look and then he said, "Oh that thing? I thought it was scrap wood and I threw it in the wood pile." Okay, so I wasn't going to be a carpenter. Lesson learned. I still loved my final wood project even if I received an "F" on it. That was one more fork of the road I had to venture down before choosing another path.

I'd like to say that I've changed, that I've applied that lesson to the rest of my life. But I still think that you don't know your limitations until you try something. I also suck at fishing, but I go every year. Not really sure if I was a very good youth leader, but I did that for 8 years. Fairly certain that I offered little to the T-Ball coaching experience, but it was still fun to try. I'm starting to suspect I may never compete in an Eco-Challenge race, but still have hope for The Amazing Race.

Anyway, I'll keep trying. I'll keep failing. I'll keep asking questions. And I'll keep getting answers. Really, what else is there to do in life? How can anyone actually settle? I feel like a shark - resting is dying. I want to do more, see more, and know more - all the time. I just know that when I finally reach the mountain top, I'll be one of the last. But I will get there, eventually.

Upon Further Review... Is God infallible, Part Two...

I throw the red flag on myself.

As satisfied that I am right in my final comment on God's potential infallibility (please read previous post, Is God fallible?, and all the wonderful comments) I realized that I was missing the boat. And perhaps this was something that Randall and Dave and many others were trying to point out, God being infallible suggests that somehow we can judge his actions.

I'm going to go back to my commentary assertion about the coin toss as I think it helps illustrate my NEW point best.

Original argument - If God tosses the coin 100 times and it comes up heads 100 times in a row, He is perfect, but it doesn't negate the idea that the coin could have come up tails. Whether or not God would ever have failed to have it end up heads, the possibility always exists for it to come up tails. I do not think that this argument is incorrect. The potential for infallibility does exist according to this argument.

New argument - My original argument doesn't take into account that the coin, the ability to toss it, heads, tails, edges, and the laws of physics that govern the coin toss were all created by God. The original assumption is rigged. It assumes that 100 coin tosses that end in heads are Perfect. That's a statistical argument. Statistically, that is a perfect number. But what is the ACTUAL perfect number. What if the actual perfect number is 50 heads and 50 tails? What if its 99 heads and 1 tail? What if its 100 edges in a row? Indeed, whatever is the actual perfect number is exactly what God would toss. Every time. Therefore, there is no chicken and egg argument here - God would always be perfect no matter what He did because He would not only be the judge of perfection, but also its creator. God CAN NOT be infallible precisely because HE defines what fallibility is.

Hence, God became Fully Human and therefore defined what it is to be Fully Human. He was perfect as a human - hence, if you wish to be a perfect human you need to do EXACTLY as Jesus did. If that means growing in wisdom, then growing in wisdom makes you perfect. If that means striking out on a wicked Tim Lincecum fastball, then striking out makes you perfect. Because He was perfect, everything He did was perfect. He set the definitive model.

So, once again, I have proven that my limitless intellect has limits. It not only can't come to correct solution every time, but sometimes it has to blather on like a fool in order to come to the solution that everyone else had already arrived at. But I tell you what... growing in wisdom is perfect. Jesus said so.

Is God infallible?

This is just a brief idea that's been floating in my head since yesterday. I am not trying to suggest that God has made a mistake, or that He ever will, but I was wondering whether the possibility of God making a mistake was part and parcel of His greatness. This is a question about the deepest of philosophies. Hear me out...

Imagine that you could not make a mistake - that nothing you ever did would ever go wrong. Would there be any reason to do anything? Surely one of the reasons we humans do things is to see if we can. We stand up and stumble and walk and get satisfaction from our accomplishments. We learn to ride a bike. We struggle to find just the right words to woo the love of our life. We seek deeper meaning in the stars and the sun and the way the earth moves, and sometimes we get it wrong. Our limited vision of the Universe is one of the reasons we strive to move forward, to understand, to achieve great things - because we don't know what the outcome of those struggles will be even if the deck is totally stacked in our favor.

God gave us free will so that we could have control over our lives and also to allow us to make a choice about our own existence. Part and parcel of that free will is the opportunity to make the WRONG choice, to be wrong, to be fallible. God made us in His image. Therefore, despite God's omniscience and omnipotence, isn't there also the possibility, however slim, that He could make the wrong choice. Can perfection truly exist without the possibility of imperfection?

I can't say that I know the answer. But part of me says that God has to be infallible in order for His perfection to really matter. If there is no possibility of failure, then success has no meaning. And I want my God to be successful over Evil, not just some creampuff victory guaranteed since the beginning of everything, but a real struggle with real consequences for failure (that nonetheless can never happen).

Anyway, just some deep thoughts to mull over this weekend.

Talk to you on Monday.

Changing Default Settings

Wow, I really suck at this... as do, I imagine, almost everyone in the human race.

On your computer there is such a thing as default settings. These settings are the place your computer starts at, the place where your computer is set when it leaves the factory - its birth settings. As time goes by, the computer changes, grows, learns, becomes more efficient to handling things the way we want them to. If something ever goes wrong, however, the computer will always fall back to its default setting - and all progress that had been made will be tossed aside.

I seem to be set to fall back to my default setting. And that default setting is Me, Myself, and I. If push comes to shove, I always return to what I want, what I need, what is best for me. I feel as if I was created that way. But I'm not the only one.

I was reading a novel at lunch about World War II, in particular the D-Day landings in France. General Eisenhower was thinking about all the bickering, all the behind the back slandering and whispering, and all the arguments and dirty looks between the various commanders of the vast allied armed forces and he wondered, "Are we all twelve years old?" These men were clearly using their default settings to plan the invasion of France. Eventually, however, they came around to a way of thinking that was beneficial to all people.

I was also thinking about the Goldman Sachs case which is very complicated. On one hand, the government argues that top executives created a hedge fund that bet that the mortgage market would fail allowing investors to bet that the mortgage market would succeed. When 99% of the fund failed, it was discovered that the fund was selected by someone that had taken out insurance on all the mortgages that were about to fail. While investors lost billions, the guy who owned all that insurance made billions. It occurred to me that regardless of which side was legally right, morally both sides were only looking out for themselves. The squabble over this money concerns nobody but those people who stood to make billions of dollars on other people's mortgage money. It used to be that business was business - people made money by providing a service or product that was useful for everyone else. Now the Stock Market has become a den of gamblers and thieves willing to do anything necessary to create money out of thin air - even if it means sending the entire economy into a vast tail spin, or pushing jobs overseas to make a better profit, or requiring managers to fire long time employees and replace them with people who make less money. There is nothing moral about big business today. Its all about that me, myself, and I default position and that mantra that says it is righteous to be wealthy.

But what is there to do about it? God made a covenant with his people. He told them that he would take care of all their needs - but they still wanted more. Then he punished them. He tried again by creating laws. But the people used those laws as weapons, as a means to gain power for themselves, as a way to get ahead and lead. God punished them again. Finally, he came personally to show the people the way. He showed them that to be truly righteous you had to love and obey God and to serve others, not yourself. God showed us the REAL default setting we should have - that when push came to shove, it should be Other People As Much As Yourself - Even Your Enemies. Well, we killed God this time. We killed Him dead. Stuck Him on a cross. But that still didn't work.

That was the last warning. The next time God comes back, He's not going to try and explain to us what we've been doing wrong. He's done that already. We NEED to change our default settings - as a species, as a society, as individuals. We NEED to help others and take care of others - not as a matter of a tax right off, but as a matter of necessity. How can we be comfortable when others suffer without at least trying to do something about it? No stock portfolio or business acumen or list of accomplishments are more important than how we treat one another.

I wish I was successful at changing my own default settings. Lord knows I've been shown the way many times. But I still put myself first. I shall continue to try and change, and I urge you to do the same. That, ultimately, is all that we can do.

Learning to Walk Again

Not five minutes ago, I walked normally for the first time in weeks. I walked about thirty feet before my knee buckled out of fatigue. At least I think I'm past the point of lasting repercussions every time my knee buckles. Right now, I just need to re-strengthen the muscles that keep me walking, going up and down stairs, etc... Its a constant battle between doing what I want to do and doing what I can. If I overdo it, I might relapse and be right back to hobbling around again.

When I left Kenya, I had every intention of taking a short recuperation period then jumping in with both feet and doubling my efforts to help our partners there. But after returning, I discovered that I was hobbled by previous injuries. Every time I got started, some new source of pain seemed to hop up and drag me back down to where I had been before I left. In my fight to help the people of Kenya, I face a constant battle between doing what is right and doing what I can. Whether it be financially, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, or otherwise, I am not a spring chicken anymore. I am afraid of relapsing - of returning to that pre-Kenya state of being.

But I am buoyed by the chance to put all my thoughts and feelings into my Kenya film. I have been pulling footage off of my camera and onto my computer for the last week with the idea of editing it together into a film about my experiences in Kenya. The more footage I watch, the more I am reminded of what it was that shaped me and defined me for three weeks of my life - the more strength I get in my soul to help me avoid relapse.

Kenya was a special moment in my life. If I can even do slight justice to the events that I experienced and the people that I met that transformed me, then my film will be a success. I already think that this might well be my best film ever made (and believe me, the footage sucks ;). I can't wait to show everyone and have them experience Kenya through my lens.

So, I'm going to remind everyone - May 1st, 2010 - the Kenya Dinner and Kenya Film screening. I hope to see everyone there. And I hope to be fully walking, if not running, by then.

The Importance of Being Me

I've come to the conclusion that dating sites don't work. Its not that I've given up on dating, just on the kinds of people that use dating sites. My working theory is that they are the same types that play the lottery - doing the least amount possible to win the life of their dreams. Hey, since I was on the site, I guess you can say that included me as well.

But it finally occurred to me that I've got more chance of finding the woman of my dreams by actually looking than by randomly floating my name and picture out there on the off chance that my perfect match is also looking and manages to spot me in the sea of a billion faces. In fact, I've got a better chance of finding my dream match by taking a picture of myself, writing my phone number on it, putting it into a bottle and throwing it in the ocean. At least that way I stand out from the billion faces as someone daring to take a chance on pure dumb luck.

I think the big thing I need to work on this year is to stop being a doormat to everyone. I do have an opinion and it does matter. I do have feelings and they matter as well. I guess this really came to a head for me on my Kenya trip. On the one hand, I was fine with being that piece of flotsam that fate pushed around. On the other hand, it annoyed me that I was the only piece of flotsam and everyone else was determining their fate. Cosmic cookies didn't crumble for anyone - so clearly upsetting the apple cart does not automatically tempt fate.

Its funny to me because I wasn't so wishy-washy when I supposedly knew better. When I was young, dumb, and selfish, I had no problem doing things my way. And I now look back on it and wonder if I wasn't better off then. Maybe dumb and selfish is the only way forward sometimes? It certainly worked for our last President. ;)

Mugendi

So ultimately what was it all about? Why did God have me travel to Kenya? Well, the answer might surprise you. I know it surprised me.

You see, I got to walk along that dusty road with the kids. I got to play soccer. It was hot. Everything in my vision of Kenya came true. But this was no Hollywood revelation. I didn't get the reality that went with the vision and suddenly have the music swell and realize that my life was meaningless and that I was supposed to save the world. Nope. Didn't happen that way at all. After a week, I had done everything I had come to Kenya to do according to my vision and... well, I didn't know what. I waited patiently for God to show me the way.

At almost the halfway point of the trip, I was told cryptically that one of the partners wanted to talk to me about some idea he had. At first I didn't know what he wanted. Eventually I saw him again for a few minutes and I asked what he wanted. "Have you thought about shooting some video of our organization? I'd like a copy of that. We'd use it in a promotional video." That was the entire length of the conversation.

I started thinking about how I'd make sure all of our four partners could receive copies of the footage that I took. And then I started thinking about tailoring my footage specifically to each partner so that the promotional video might actually work. And then... well, my mind was churning.

Over my final weekend there, a visiting pastor who didn't know me from any other Muzungu (white person), decided to give me a Kenyan name as part of his sermon. He looked me over and said, "Your Kenyan name should be Mugendi." I nodded, to be polite, since I had no idea what that name meant. After a minute, he said, "Mugendi means traveler... voyager..." I later learned that the term is closer to vagabond. Vagabond was the name of the production company that made my first film. It would seem that I had my confirmation.

On my last work day there, I started talking with all of our partners asking them if they would like to have someone come and make a promotional video for them. They loved the idea. And thus was Mugendi Films born.

My idea is still in its infancy - not very much more advanced than it was in Kenya. Mugendi will be a non-profit film company that will make promotional videos of other non-profits around the world. An organization that needs a promotional video to show their potential donors and partners would contact Mugendi and we would send out a film maker and an assistant to this partner to make a film. The film makers would then come back and edit a promotional video together for this partner for a website and a promotional DVD. Cost of the production would be free. Transportation would be covered by the film maker. Cost of living while making the film would be covered by the partner. Or in other words, I will pay to go back to Kenya to make four promotional films for our four partners. They will make sure I'm fed, housed, and transported while I am there. And there will be no other costs associated with the production. (Though we might have to figure out how to pay for things like film and DVD's.)

Anyway, God put this idea on my heart and let His zeal burn inside me. I tossed and turned at night in Kenya while I thought of how this would all work and how wonderful it would be for our partners and for other organizations to be able to get their message out.

I've got a long way to go before this is a reality. But I don't have any doubt that this is what God wants me to do.

More than meets the eye...

One of the members of the Kenya Mission Group wrote a wonderful essay for his website about how great and wonderful all of us Kenya travelers were for answering the call of God and going to Kenya. I can't really disagree with him.

This is supposed to be what we do. God calls us. We answer. And we are counted as Righteous for doing so. Every God fearing person knows that. Its something that we should count as a tenet of our faith. God calls. You go. You are Righteous. Simple. I knew this before I went. In fact, truth be told, it gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. Okay, spending all this money, traveling half way around the world, not going fishing this year... but I get to be Righteous when I'm done. Cool. I can dig it. Only, somewhere along the way, the warm and fuzzy feeling... well, darn it, it never quite appeared.

I read the article and I know I should agree with it. I know I should feel Righteous like one of God's heroes, but in actuality, I feel closer to Paul who said that he was God's worst sinner and that he should not be venerated at all. How can I do something so warm and tingly and feel so blah as a result?

I don't feel like a hero. I don't feel particularly Righteous. In pondering this mysterious gap between what I'm supposed to be feeling and what I actually am feeling, it occurred to me that I am no longer the person I was before the trip - the person that expected warm and fuzzy Righteousness. I have been transformed. February 3rd, I was a good Christian heading off to Africa cause God told me to go. February 27th, I became a good Christian who can't wait to go back to Africa because I need to go.

There's part of me that permanently in Kenya now. I can't describe it. I'm not one of these uber-travelers who counts two weeks in a foreign country as having lived there. I don't want to switch my citizenship or allegiance. I love the United States - even more so since I've returned - but part of my heart remains behind with the people of Kenya. All those arguments I had before, all those visions of rights and wrongs and the way the world ought to be versus the way the world is, have all been augmented by my experiences there. I can't read the Bible or hear of injustice without running it first through my Kenya filter. Its not that I see poverty here in the United States and say, "Well, its much worse in Kenya." Its more like I see poverty here in the United States and say, "I've seen real poverty and poverty sucks no matter where it is... I never really saw poverty before." My eyes have been opened. My heart has been opened. My soul has clarity.

Clarity of soul makes one feel unworthy of Righteousness, by the way. There is a realization that no matter how many times I go to Kenya or jump into the water to save drowning babies or feed the homeless or build houses or whatever, I will always be the selfish human being that I've been since birth. I am ultimately wicked and sinful like all human beings. The difference being, if there is a difference, is that I am now aware of that - really aware, not just someone told me something they once heard from someone else who read it in a book. I see the evil around me. I see the hurt and the pain. I see the need for God's grace in the world. And I know that I am part of the problem. And I wonder how I can become part of the solution.

So I need to return to Kenya at some point. I need to go back and help out where I can. I need to do that here as well on a much more frequent basis. But more importantly, I need to be constantly reminded that I am no longer WILL 1.0. I am a new Will - a better Will. I once was lost, but now I'm found, was blind but now I see.

Or to make a long story short... I once was a Honda Civic and now I'm a new Trans-Am complete with cool logo and red paint that can turn into a giant robot that fights evil robots from space.

Good Friday

How should I commemorate this day? That was the question running through my mind last night as I sat in the Maundy Thursday service. I knew that I would be working today and unable to attend worship services and so I wondered if there was anything that I could do other than be quiet and somber for three hours. What is appropriate? What is recommended?

I was thinking about that day and about what it meant to the disciples. We tend to look at the disciples reactions backwards, as if they had foreknowledge of the events about to transpire - and, of course, they ought to have. But I was rethinking that supposition and it occurred to me that Jesus's death would have come as a serious blow to them. Aside from the fear of being arrested and the loss of a friend, Jesus's death must have really rocked their faith in everything that they'd done for the previous three years.

Imagine going about your life as if everything was perfectly fine. Not only fine, but great actually. You just celebrated a huge victory, a huge accomplishment in your life and you're really optimistic that things are finally going to take a turn for the better. A week later, your life is a shambles. You've lost the thing most dear to you. You are a fugitive from all that you know. And everything you've ever thought you knew is called into question.

A dark cloud would descend over your life. It would be hard to see the good in anything. It would be hard to distinguish between friend and foe, between truth and lies. Everything, everywhere would be gloomy. It would feel like your life was at an end and all joy had been snuffed out.

How many of us are in the midst of our dark clouds? How many of us are reeling from life altering events? How many of us are staring into our own Good Friday's?

I think of the people of Kenya. Not all of them, mind you, but those especially for whom the world has turned its back and they are lost in the black cloud. Jesus seems dead to them. Hope is gone. Judith Taussig told me of one family that she visited while in Kenya