I've got rainclouds on a sunny day...

...when its warm outside, I've got the month of januaray... I guess you can say, what can make me feel this way... da blues, da blues, da blues, talkin 'bout DA BLUES!

As a foodie, I'd say that lack of caloric intake can give one the blues, but I know its more than that. There are times when I feel trapped, pulled into a corner not of my own making, and having no way to react other than to kick the walls and grow angry. This lack of ability to do anything while being mocked by the fates of this world gives me feelings of frustration and despair. And the feelings of frustration and despair make me even more frustrated and despairing because I don't want to be frustrated or despairing at all.

I want to dance.

I want to sing.

I want to gambol through fields of wild flowers with a pan flute and a picnic basket and feel the warm light on my face.

In the end, its not even important what is causing my frustration or my anger or my feelings of despair. It seems pretty clear that God wants us to forgive those whom cause these feelings in us. And if we are truly victims of injustice, God doesn't want us to seek revenge or retribution. He wants us to reach out in love and help those less fortunate than ourselves. And so, I become frustrateder and despairinger because I know that in these terrible feelings I have towards my fellow humans, I am also failing in my Christianity. I want to lash out and think bad things about people and do bad things to them instead of trying to resolve differences peacefully and amicably. So, I try to bury these feelings like a burp at a church recital - letting a little out at a time when nobody else is around and when I can't hurt anyone but myself.

But who am I kidding? I am human. I have feelings. I try to maintain a cool veneer. I try to establish an even restraint. But I'm a writer. My passion is there under intense pressure waiting to boil over in words and thoughts. In the back of my mind is that wonderful line of dialogue from A Knight's Tale where Chaucer says, "I shall eviscerate them with prose!"

I have been bloodied, beaten, badgered, bullied, and brushed off by others and I sometimes wonder if I am a little too meek for my own good. But I know what a terrible short fuse I have and what happens when it is lit. My own explosions scare me so much, my own fits of anger are terrifying to me, that I think the best course of action is unilateral detterence. God willing, I shall keep my most frustratedest and desparingest feelings safe and undercover. Otherwise, look out!

I shall endeavor to continue life in Christ, hoping to discover the way to love all, but until I learn the trick, I will try to keep my most vile humanity locked away from prying eyes.