And lo, an Angel of the Lord appeared unto me, saying, "So, you think you're pretty hot stuff now that you've finished creating that book. How would you like a real challenge?"
"Bringeth iteth oneth," I replied.
"Stick to modern English before you hurt yourself," the Angel replied.
And thus I was transported into nothing - a big vast field of nothing.
"Where am I?" I asked.
"You are Before. God has suggested that you might want to try your hand at creating something a little more challenging - like the whole universe!"
"Hmm... Sure, why not? I'm in between gigs right now. I suppose I can take a week off."
And thus, following the great trend of Hollywood, Will Almighty set out to revamp the first couple of chapters of Genesis. And therefore it was that...
Genesis 1
1 - In the beginning, there was nada. 2 - And Will saw that he liked the nothing and began to plan what he would like to do with all that nothingness, that blank canvas (which is something not yet invented). 3 - The beginning and the end of the first day . 4 - On the second day, Will continued to contemplate all that nothingness and ate nachos (again with the not yet invented thing). 5 - The beginning and end of the second day. 6 - On the third day, Will decided that he needed to begin with a flourish and thus he created the heavens, the earth, the sun, the stars, the moon, and a giant space creature to destroy them all in a cataclysmic fireball, but after seeing his results, he scrapped the whole thing and went to bed early. 7 - The beginning and the end of the third day. 8 - On the fourth day, Will thought about going one better, and separated the lights from the darks, the colors from the socks, and did his laundry. Then he snapped his finger and the entire universe appeared as it had been before (minus plants, animals, and people) with the requisite 15% changes so that he could claim unique ownership. 9 - The beginning and the end of the fourth day. 10 - On the fifth day, Will decided to take a short break while he contemplated what to do next. 11 - The beginning and the end of the fifth day. 12 - On the 223rd day, Will thought about adding the color green. And he liked it. So it stayed. 13 - On the 435th day, Will created water and when it didn't kill him, he kept that too. 14 - On the 856th day, Will added birds, animals, and fishees. And they tasted good. So he kept them. But since he hadn't yet created insects (yuck) nor plant life (icky) they all died out. 15 - On the 857th day, Will begrudgingly created vegetables, but he countered this by also creating ice cream and chocolate syrup. 16 - On the 9,342nd day, Will made everything that was not a cheeseburger taste like chicken. 17 - On the 10,456th day, Will gave up.
And thus it was that Will's vast ego and his self important vision of himself as a master creater was completely destroyed with a single stunning sunset. Forever acknowledged as a failed creator, Will retired to a normal life of fiction wherein he could pretend to be a really, truly, awesome writer.
And as for the Angel, she eventually retired and started a detective agency in Los Angeles - but that's another story...
Amen
6 comments:
"The Scripture reading today is from Will's Book of Genesis, verse 4. Listen now for the Word of Will."
"On the second day, Will continued to contemplate all that nothingness and ate nachos(again with the not yet invented thing)."
"Brothers and sisters, we have here a moment in time in which the Creator ate something which had not yet been created. This is a profound moment, for it shows the creativity and cleverness of our Creator. At this moment, He defined something - He created something out of nothingness, named it, and ate it.
"But not only did He choose to do it - He gave it thoughtful consideration prior to do doing it. When was the last time you contemplated life in nothingness? The closest we have come to nothingness is typically in a dark and quiet room, but even then there are distractions amongst us. We know nothing of life among nothing, for we have always had something.
"Here we have the Creator existing in nothingness. But isn't that our challenge as Willtians? Our challenge in our lives is to be able to contemplate and think about the void in our lives without the spirit of Will within us. For without Will, we have nothing.
...only nachos."
There you go again with your Willtian ramblings! When will you admit that this world would be better off without your kind spouting such ridiculous nonsense! I don't believe in Will. I don't believe in his book. And quite frankly, I don't even like nachos! Its people like you that are responsible for all the world's greatest disasters from the Nacho Cheese burnings of the 1500's to the raising of Taco Bell missions all over the world. You are clearly obsessed with some sort of slacker perfection! Just remember Revelations 24:3 "From nothing Will came, to nothing he will return." Yeah, that's right! I quoted The Book of Will right back at ya! Not so smart now, are you?!
The proof you are a false prophet? I didn't see any reference to the infield fly rule.
Cheers.
Randall, I believe the infield fly rule is in the Book of Deuteronowill, beginning at the 4th chapter, verse 4(KJV):
Thus saith the Lord Will, "Thou shalt remember Opening Day, and keep it holy. Thou mayest have not one, but two teams lineth up alongside the basepaths prior to the singing, in one voice, of the hosting team's national anthem."
Oh wait...I meant verse 14...
...whereupon a runner or runners awaiteth upon a base, in a situation with one out or less, a flyeth ball that shalt be hit within the confines of the infield according to the judgment of the ruling umpire, said batter will be ruled out whether or not the fielder catcheth the ball.
After this, one must present a bull as a sin offering at the altar.
Andy - clearing you are forgetting that ever since the Reformation and the establishment of the second kingdom and their unholy version of basebaal with the Designated Hitter being the chief amongst their sins, the bull sacrifice has been replaced with the more popular tubular sausage sacrifice smothered in onions and spicy mustard - surely an aroma pleasing to the Lord.
Will, thank you for reminding me. We also cannot forget that "manna" was actually "garlic fries".
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