Failure

I hate to fail. Absolutely hate it. I'd rather have a root canal than fail at anything. Which, of course, is completely unrealistic since we all fall flat on our faces sometimes, but for me, its almost pathological how much I hate failure.

So, of course, I'm a writer. And now a film maker. Two potential careers rife with the possibility... no, promise of failure. I will fall again and again and again and will be sick to my stomach each time.

I don't care what anyone says about having to fail in order to succeed. I want to avoid that so much, I'll put off success if it means one more day without failure. But alas, I can't avoid it entirely.

Last week, I failed. Big time. Bombed entirely. Though I had managed to work at such a high level in my film classes up until that point, aceing every test, paper, and project that was due - my one failure was enough to put my entire film career in jeopardy. I came home, depressed, despondent, and utterly convinced that I would never amount to anything - let alone a film maker. It made me sick. I imagined all the other careers I might as well try, since I clearly was never cut out to ever be a film maker. But I knew that I'd fail at all those as well.

I guess I wasn't taking this failure very well.

At some point you begin to think irrational things and you rail at God. Why? Why am I such a failure at everything I do? Can't you just help me succeed at one thing? Where is the payoff for all this faith? Why can't I be successful?

I'm sure that He put His arm around me and let me rail some more, without ever letting me go off the deep end. The thing is that even while I was railing, and even while I was being bitter, and even while I was wallowing in my failure, I knew that I wasn't a failure. Part of me was detached - calm - telling me to just let it all out, to think all the negative things I wanted, and to be as irrational as I could, so that I could get the poison out of my system and get back to work.

By the weekend, I was back making films. Last night, I spent three hours mesmerized by the guy who did the sound work for Good Will Hunting (amongst other things) and realizing that I could already do his job now (by knowledge, not by skill!) And tonight I return to the scene of my utter failure, calmer, wiser and ultimately better prepared to succeed.

I may have to fail in order to go forward. But I don't ever have to like it.