The abuse goes on...

Now I know what it is like to be in an abusive relationship. And I also understand how difficult it is to get out of one, whether you want to or not.

Many have accused my church of being disfunctional in the past. I have, for the most part, disagreed with their final assessments. I wouldn't say that I couldn't understand their disapproval - because I'd seen it happen to others and, indeed, had felt its impact myself. The people of my church have a tendency to take and take and take and to never give back. Your value to them is often based on the idea of what have you done for me lately. People who do not contribute, or who are no longer able to contribute, quickly find themselves forgotten and discarded. But worse than that, contributions are never appreciated, merely assessed and scored on some giant tally sheet with the suspicion that if you are willing to contribute this much, you must be hiding a great deal more somewhere else that you have yet to contribute. So even those who contribute don't escape the scrutiny of a church that continues to want more of whatever you have to offer. I am not coming to this conclusion after a particular incident, but a particular incident has finally prompted me to come forward with this conclusion.

I thought I could change the church. I thought I could, in some way, prove myself worthy of it, could earn its love and admiration. I realize now that I will never achieve that goal and that such an achievement is impossible. If I continue to remain in this relationship, the church will do its best to bleed me dry and then discard me.

However, when I have tried to write my resignation, I have discovered that I can not leave this church or this disfunctional relationship. The good times and the good people are becoming more and more infrequent, but I still can not abandon them entirely - nor do I feel that the time is yet right for that move.

Instead, I will fight back. I will no longer take the abuse that is heaped upon me. And I will no longer give and give and give until I have nothing more. The next time someone questions my dedication to any portion of the church, I will merely reply, "You can try to replace me if you want. I have no more to give to you." I don't want to become an uncooperative a$$, but the truth is, my church needs to see that they can not continue down this path and still claim to be a church of Jesus Christ.

I'd better shut up now before I start into another rant. Please pray for me and for my church.