The 37 Year, 11 Month, 360 Day Revirgin

I have finally succeeded in reacquiring my virgin status. And let me tell you that it was not easy. They don't just let anyone become a virgin again - they have to prove a committment to being a renewed virgin, a sign, a test of loyalty, a sacrifice of one's sexual status. Well, I have now made that sacrifice and have attained the certificate that shall hang proudly in my bedroom like a diploma. I have been revirginated.

You see, yesterday, in honor of my birthday I received this ultimate gift in the form of two packages - birthday presents. One was an authentic, never before used, still in collector's packaging, Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest Comforter. The other was an authentic, never before used, still in collector's packaging, Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest Linen Package consisting of one fitted sheet, one regular sheet, and one pillow case.

Now, unlike you married men out there who are probably drooling over the possibilities of such fine linen knowing that you will never convince your significant others of allowing you to put such cool things on your marriage bed, I don't have that problem. And seeing as how a) My secondary comforter has been completely shredded by the dogs who find it a nice warm place to snuggle up during the afternoon with their long sharp claws and b) I actually liked Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest, and c) I don't plan on having sex any time in the near future; I have absolutely no problems stripping my plain old linens from my bed and replacing them with such fine, and comfortable might I add, bed dressings.

So now, as the centerpiece of my extreme bedroom makeover, I have a bed that looks like a giant pirate treasure map complete with doubloons, compass points, and Dead Men Tell No Tales skull. That this would normally have an adverse effect on my sex life is not in doubt. That I have no sex life to worry about affecting is also not in doubt. I can easily give up that which I no longer need in order to claim the title of Revirgin.

That being said... this is not the big announcement that is coming on Thursday.

Other things that are NOT the big announcement coming on Thursday include:

1) I am not announcing my bid for the 2008 Presidential election.

2) I am not reenlisting in the Navy (they wouldn't let me keep my cool sheets).

3) I am not revealing my true identity as the long lost half sister of Sheila who has been hiding out after escaping a terrible fire at the orphanage and fighting off the advances of Monica who thinks that I am mild mannered Will.

4) I have not discovered the cure for Cancer.

5) I was not on the grassy knoll.

6) I have not discovered a hidden map on the back of the Magna Carta.

7) I do not have any evidence of Bond's steroid use.

8) I have not discovered the Grand Unification Theory of Everything.

9) I did not win the Pillsbury Bake Off.

And

10) ICON was not nominated for the Nobel Prize for Literature.

As to what the true announcement on Thursday will be... you will just have to wait until then to find out.

Avoiding the plagues,

Will