A True Gift

This post will be long just in trying to explain all the things that went into it. First, I once wrote a post in which I posited that God is love. And that therefore, wherever in the famous 2nd Corinthians passage you read the word Love, you can replace it with God. I.E. Love is gentle, love is kind, would become, God is gentle, God is kind. This is the most important thing to remember right now because it is what is swirling through my mind at breakneck speeds trying to fill in all the gaps.

But my story starts a while back. In fact, all the way back to High School. I bombed out of Algebra in my first year. There were extenuating circumstances - one being the illness of my Grandmother, who eventually died. But mostly, I was in that awkward transition phase from Junior High into High School, taking advanced math courses when I had never grasped the basic concepts in Junior High. How could a letter be a number? That made no sense to me. How can anyone apply abstract thought to the mathematical certainty? I did well enough to get by, because I was able to follow instructions, but I didn't understand what I was doing. I was like Ham, the monkey that was first to orbit Earth. I pressed the right buttons and got the right answer, but I didn't know what was really going on.

And then, one day, EUREKA! OHHHHHH, I GET IT NOW! That first jolt that we receive when we first connect with an abstract concept like Algebra. It makes you feel elated, uplifted, and incredibly blessed. I retook the same advanced Algebra class the following year and aced it as if it was fundamental mathematics. I would have the same jolt of understanding years later when I finally understood the concept of a paradigm shift (now that's a concept that's hard to imagine, until you get it!).

Skip ahead a little bit, to January, 1992. In some of the first words I ever wrote in my journal, I was trying to understand why it was that my girlfriend/fiancee had split up. After days and days of wrangling with the concept in my head, I finally concluded rather lamely that she must have fallen out of love (if she had ever loved at all). I thought it to be an incredibly sad thing - to fall out of love, to stop feeling those powerful emotions, to stop your heart. What I didn't realize at the time was that I, too, was on a perilous course to the exact same oblivion. In truth, I don't remember much after that point. I sort of blanked out and just existed for the next two years.

For the past 12 years or so, I've been pretty much in that same boat and lost at sea. Ocassionally spying land, even dipping my feet into the water, I have been mostly adrift - unable to connect with anyone, or anything. Up front, normal. Deep down inside, miserable. Existence, merely, with varying degrees of success.

And now we can zip ahead to the start of this summer. Novel's second draft finished. Exhaustion slamming me to the ground. I had nothing left. I was a shell. I was empty. I was ready to be filled up. And so, as the have gotten longer this summer, my mind, body, and soul have been recovering, refilling, reloading for the next long haul. But, right away, I knew there was something different. I could feel the change coming on, like a person who can see the puzzle starting to take shape but still can't decipher the picture. I was and have been changing.

Two weeks ago, a woman I've been interested in for quite a while asked me, jokingly I think, "Come on, I know that you love me?" It wasn't said as a question, and yet, it was. I didn't answer. I didn't know why. Was I not ready? Or was I scared? Or... did I really love her? The short answer, I knew, was that no matter what I really felt, there was no way to answer such a question when I'd never even gone out on a date with her. I left the lack of answer stand and walked away.

Last week, out of the clear blue, she suggested that we go out. Ostensibly, the purpose of this "date" was to find me a girlfriend. But I think we both knew that was a lie. We went to a local bar for happy hour and whiled away a couple of hours drinking and talking. It was a wonderful time and I really got to know this woman much better and I think she got to know me better as well. And then we went our separate ways. End of story, somewhat.

Although I had a great time, I realized that I didn't love her after all. She was a good friend, and I had no intention of changing that at all. But the date was like a giant poker into the silt of my life. Things began to shift, things began to stir, and a great cloud began to muddle my way of thinking. I began to realize that I was missing something - something important.

Are you still with me? Good. I was hoping you'd stick around this far, because the best part, the part of pure joy is still coming.

On Sunday night, I sent off my first query to an agent. I wanted to be out there before my birthday. I had been having an internal debate with myself as to when to do this and I hesitated for the longest time, wanting to be certain that it was the right time before I did it. Then, on Saturday, I had a revelation - revelation number one - that confirmed to me what I had always long suspected, that God wanted me to write. I can't explain how I know this, but the feeling was definitely there and definitely out of the blue. So, on Sunday, I sent out the query.

On Monday, still feeling my oats a little, and still stirred up from the wonderful blog about Comfortably Numb being the best rock song of all time, I wrote what I feel may be my best political blog ever - The Thin Line - which you can read below this blog. I think it pretty much summed up all my political feelings and aspirations and frustrations in one tiny blog. I was pleased to read the comments that were there, because I knew that somebody had read it and had considered it worthy enough to leave a comment. But, at the same time, I was troubled. The implications of the post troubled me, frightened me, depressed me. Are we really heading to a revolution?

Yesterday, I got my answers in a big way. It started in the morning with a news article that repeated a story I'd seen on 60 Minutes last year. It was a Bill Bradley interview with Bono, frontman of the rock group, U2. He talked about his music and his politics and about his religion. In the article, however, Bono made a point of saying something which fit the blog I'd just written - that no side had it right, that he was frustrated with both sides because they often elevated their own causes over the good of all. The article also mentioned the growing disillusion of most Americans towards both parties - something I'd suspected but never seen in print.

When I got home last night, Newsweek was waiting for me. And in the latest issue is an article about Billy Graham - the evangelist. I've not always been a Graham fan, but I've come to respect him as a man of God in the last five years or so. The article was about a certain mellowing out that comes with age and wisdom and how he now views his job differently than he did when he was younger. He no longer gets involved with politics, for instance, or take sides of contentious issues. In fact, he advises people to take no part in a political debate over a social issue, but only to work towards the final outcome of that debate. He said that the most important thing in our lives is to love one another and to love God - everything else is just a distraction.

I was tired last night, and now I was reeling from all these thoughts running through my head. And then a third thought jumped into the fray and really messed me up - how can I write my next novel, a romantic comedy, if I didn't understand love.

Boom! Convicted! Floored! I just lay there - unable to move. A timid voice in my conscious mind asking, "What do you mean? I understand love, don't I?" I've had a girlfriend... but something happened there at the end that I don't understand. But, I've fallen in love before... but, it fell apart. But I love my family and friends... but sometimes I wonder if I love myself more. But I love God! Do you? Do you really love me? Do you even understand what that means?

I didn't believe. I didn't grasp that I didn't believe! I didn't grasp that my lack of understanding of Heaven, that my inability to grasp the concept of God, that my skepticism of the Bible was not a lack of faith... it was a lack of Love! I had been empty because I had been unable to love!

EUREKA! OHHH, I GET IT NOW! I understand! I know what it is now! God Is Love! Love Is God! Love comes from God, because God is love. And to be without love, to be unable to love, is to be apart from God - to be apart from God is to be unable to love! Hell is what its called when you are apart from God, hell is being unable to love. It is a feeling of loneliness, of despair, of the inability to connect on more than just a face to face level. Hell is death and death is hell. When we are unable to love, we are dead - alive in name only, merely existing! When we love, we choose God. We are displaying God to one another! We are showing everyone what God is! There is no simpler formula for evangelism than to love one another, for in showing love, we are showing God!

I could go on and on! But I get it now! The thoughts are deep. They are profound. They are deeply moving. I have been crying tears of joy ever since. For now, I truly get it! I truly understand God! I can't begin to grasp Him. I can't begin to understand Him. But I can Love Him! And I can love you! I can love everyone!

IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! For my birthday this year, God has given me the one true gift - eternal life! And eternal love!

Amen!