Desire

Sometimes I feel as if I've elevated desire to the level of sport. There are all sorts of rituals involved, pageantry, lies, scandal, abuse, and all the conversations relevant to those topics. The having of things isn't nearly as fun as the desiring of them. Once I get them, I quickly find that they lose their luster, that the need for them quickly dissipates only to be replaced for a longing ache for something new. What is that new thing?

In case you feel I have forgotten so quickly, I have not. Fearing that I might only get to experience God's true grace and beauty yesterday as a sort of birthday present - a one day only glimpse at the majesty and wonder of God - I collapsed on my bed last night, threw my hands together and prayed, "Lord! Please don't take this feeling away from me! I have finally come to know you and I don't ever want to forget! Ever! Please, please, please!"

I opened my eyes and looked around and knew, KNEW WITHOUT A DOUBT, that this was the thing I desired the most in the whole world! Not some fancy car, or a better house, or a girlfriend, or a million dollars, or a cheeseburger, or a book contract; but this feeling that God loved me and this knowledge that I had finally figured it all out - that I finally understood the way and the path to God. This was something I didn't want to forget, ever. This was a desire I never wanted to lose!

I knew the enemy would be after me - probably had been for years now. He wanted to distract me this morning from my desires. He threw the juciest bit of news at me in months - to see if I would bite, forget what I had experienced, and absorb myself in the news of the world. I looked, with interest, this morning at the hulabaloo in London and I thought, "Those Al Quaeda guys are darn clever. Imagine how much good they could do if they only knew God the way I know Him." I smiled and turned off the TV and then tried to figure out how to get to WDW next month without shampoo ;) Not distracted, not even remotely. I just asked God to fill me with more love.

I found myself changing radically overnight. A firm believer in the First Ammendment to the Constitution, I suddenly changed my mind about soft porn. I find that it not only degrades women, but it degrades men as well - presenting them with desire, and not real love. It speaks to our lowest base, our animalistic nature, our physical needs. Oh, don't get me wrong, I have not become a frufru man overnight. Those thoughts and feelings and desires are still there. But I see past them now. I understand them for what they are. Ultimately, I am weak, a mere worm, and I know that eventually I shall succumb to temptation, but I will do so now knowing that I have replaced true love with desire, that I have replaced the real for the fake, the tangible for the dream.

Lead me not into temptation and deliver me from evil! Isn't that what I'm saying? Do you see? I get it now. I never got it before. I said it. Thousands of times the words passed my lips, but they were just words, just meaningless words. Lead me not... but, as soon as I'm done with this, I'm going to head out and get a cheeseburger! Mmmm, I can't wait... May thoughts like these never cross my mind again!

I wish you all well. I wish you all a transcendental experience. My faith and love to everyone!