A couple of things have prompted me to create a blog on the topic of sex. The first, and most important, was the question I was asked a while back about why I was still not married. The second, and more recent, was a concern someone shared with me about this topic. I admit that I was not eager to write on this subject, but since I'm here, let's get to it.
I first had sex when I was 16. It was the biggest mistake I've ever made. Though it certainly didn't feel like it at the time, the issues and emotions raised were far too much for my little mind to handle. It warped me in ways that I'm only now realizing.
I started down this slippery slope when I met and fell in love with Karen. We had been friends before I suddenly realized that I had strong and passionate feeling for her. Not puppy love kind of feelings. Not infatuation kind of feelings. Love - pure, deep, and hopelessly romantic. We started going out together in March. By June, we started to have sex. It was hot and passionate and hopelessly bungled - but we were young and in love and completely independent people. After a few wild and crazy encounters, we decided (rightly) to stop and take a breather. But it was too late.
Sex at that age is a narcotic. It gets into your system and warps your outlook on all things. I'd never had any experience with women before Karen. I'd had a crush once, but was completely rejected. Karen was the first girl I'd kissed. After the sex, I became convinced that she was the only girl for me. I was completely confident that she was the woman I was going to marry and love forever. These were very unnatural thoughts for a kid my age, but you couldn't have convinced me otherwise - and I'm still not sure I believe it now. But once you have sex, and open yourself up so completely to another person, its hard not to form that deep bond. And its even harder to let that bond go.
We stayed together far longer than we should have. When I went off to the Navy in 1988, I even proposed to her. She accepted. I was incredibly happy - but completely in a fantasy world. I went off to Hawaii for three years to serve my country. And though I saw her whenever I could, the distance between us started to grow. But I had invested so much of my heart and my mind in her, that I refused to see it. I just knew that when I got out of the Navy, we were going to get married and live happily ever after.
6 months after I got out of the Navy, we broke up. I was so devastated by it that I almost literally don't remember anything that happened for the next two years. I was there, and I remember some highlights, but basically my life became one long blur of mere existence. Though I eventually recovered and went on with my life, parts of me are still on auto-pilot.
My love life has never recovered. I never bothered to learn how to date, how to ask anyone out, or any of that stuff. I had my future wife. I didn't need to know anything. When it comes to women, I'm no better than a third grader. I am socially stunted.
I say all of this not as a Poor Me. I'm okay with my life. We all have regrets. We all make mistakes. We all move on. I'm no different. I say this because it all could have been avoided.
I thought I was so much smarter than everyone. I thought I could handle sex. I thought that as long as I used birth control and took precautions that nothing could touch me. I had no idea why the Bible said don't have sex until you're married - but assumed it was one of those grey areas, like not eating pork. I was in love and I was going to marry this woman and grow old with her - so what difference did it make if I didn't wait until after marriage?
I've come to realize that a lot of the rules in the Bible are not there arbitrarily. They are there as good common sense. This is no more true than in the case of pre-marital sex. Perhaps if the Bible read, "Don't have Pre-Marital sex because its a really, really bad idea," people would heed it more carefully.
When you have sex as a teenager, suddenly that is what you want. You don't care about a career. You don't care about school. You don't care about being friends, or dating a nice girl. You just want sex. And there's no way to put the genie back in the bottle after the fact.
So, with regrets, I say that its too late for me. Parents, if you've got teenagers or soon to be teenagers, tell them the truth. Don't tell them no. Tell them why its no. Explain the terrible reprecussions to them - and not just the part about STD's, unwanted pregnancies, AIDS, and all that. Tell them about the pandora's box of feelings they're going to start feeling - jealousy, and obsession, rage and passion, addiction and withdrawl. Tell them about broken hearts and broken promises. Tell them about cheating lovers, lies, and terrible crimes of passion. These are all the baggage they will take with them once they start down that long road. Do whatever it takes to keep them from taking those first steps... until they are good and ready.
7 comments:
I have to admit, I figured that at some point, this post was coming - at least the part about Karen.
One of the unmentionables in our friendship has been about Karen - we simply never talked about it, but I think that's also a guy thing, too. Beyond the "how's Karen" or "how are you and Karen doing" and the "what? you're engaged?" over the phone one night when you were in Hawaii, it just wasn't in our sphere.
That said, all love life jokes over the years aside, I do believe that the woman God has selected for you is there. To put it in the context of the prayer doctrinal discussions we've had recently, I believe that His answer has been "Not yet"...and maybe He was waiting for this confession. Coincidentally enough, I just finished several pages a couple of days ago about St. Augustine's teenage love life, and his feelings about it in his Confessions are not unlike what you have described.
With that, I think that in the larger scheme of God's purpose for you, this whole, painful experience with Karen was part of it, to share this experience with us as an example of what not to do, and certainly, to serve as a message to us parents.
Brother, I thank you for your honesty and truth. THIS is what our Christian community is about, and may all of us learn to be as open and truthful as you have been today.
I love you, dude.
Thanks, dude...
I have come to live with Karen the way some people come to live with a lost limb. You just don't think of it anymore. The pain is long gone - only a phantom - and you stop blaming the particular incident for the loss of the limb and start looking at the bigger picture.
The Bible says over and over again that Wisdom is fearing God. I think Wisdom is gained by not fearing Him enough. ;)
I am sorry about the sorrow you suffered in your relationship with Karen, but am so thankful you are sharing the story with others. True love, God's chosen mate, is worth waiting for. I hope all who read your story will be encouraged to wait. It's worth it. It can be had. It is doable. ~Wendy
Bro-
I am going to get the picture of you and Karen in the, um, moment, out of my head, because I have something to say.
You CAN recover from Karen. I am your living proof of that. I made the same mistake you did - only I was a BIGGER idiot than you were. You were in love with someone who, at the time, was worthy of your love.
I had sex with someone who doesn't even come close to being worthy of the respect and kindness I reaped upon him. I gave myself over to someone who abused that trust. I loved someone who, quite simply, did not love me back.
But, I gained. I gained myself. I gained love for me. I made a bad mistake in order to open my eyes to a great reality.
Karen was not your bad mistake. Your bad mistake was in choosing to close yourself off from the hurt and to bury it. Your post is beautiful because you are working with that hurt. Yes, its true, you had one love, one life, one need in the night. But you chose to share it.
You didn't know how to date anyone when you asked Karen out, either. You didn't know how to interact. But it didn't matter. You loved and you trusted. You trusted in her and in God that your heart would be o.k.
I learned from my horrible debacle with Mark that I had to learn to trust myself, too. In making my biggest mistake, I found the love of my life.
I do think the message you have is important. I will think of it when we have to have "those talks" with our kids, because it is common sense and really speaks to an issue that kids can identify with. I wish someone had said those words to me.
But, then, if never Mark, I never would have met Carl.
I want to elaborate on what I wrote in just one area because I think there is a misconception. I didn't write this blog as a woe is me I'm so damn lonely thing. Someone asked me why I hadn't married yet, and in thinking on the answer, I realized that a great deal of it had to do with this subject. I've been trying to find a replacement for Karen for many years - but have had an abysmal track record (But that's another subject - I'll tell you about the woman who burst into tears when I showed up on her doorstep to take her out. True story ;) I have not given up on women. I have not given up believing that there is a girl out there for me. All I'm trying to say is that when you dabble in these things prematurely, it tends to mess with your head and your heart. So, I thank you all for the encouragement, but its not really needed. What's needed is a list of available redheads who don't mind a crazy mixed up sinner with "issues" (pronounced like Barbara Streisand trying to say tissues and with a hint of a Darhling never spoken).
I'd go back and read my blog to figure out what I wrote to make you all respond this way, but honestly, writing it was bad enough. ;)
I know of one available red head, but it would land you in jail - not to mention ewwww.... after all, Natalie isn't seeing anyone. ;)
another epic post will, truly a great, and important, post. can i read it to my class of 27 seniors? (anonymousy of course). just to let you know, i read this post after i posted my "foreign film" comment on the most recent post. in any event, mrs. robison is out there and i look forward to the wedding and especially the reception to hear andy's toast (and if you're thinking, "at 50 bucks a plate, i'm not inviting that opinionated red sox fan, even if he is good with a bow staff,"; just stop right there because i promise not to eat and i will waive the obligatory invitation. just tell me when and where. since andy will be so busy sobbing and laughing, maybe i can come as a special correspondent from "The Beach")
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