The Following Internal Dialogue takes place from 9:12pm to 9:38pm (PST) on Saturday, January 14th, 2006:
"Let us pray"... Yeah, let's pray already. That cake looked really good and I can't wait to get a bite of it. The salmon was awesome. Too bad I decided on the cheeseburger. It was huge and juicy and really good, but a little more salmon would have been a smarter choice and my tastebuds would have really thanked me for it. But, its your thing about bones. Yeah, what's up with that? You know I don't like bones. I guess I'm just scared of swallowing them. Hey, shut up already, Page is praying. This is a prayer, dummy, you're supposed to be praying too. Okay, okay, I'm listening.
Man, Andy seems really blocked on this whole issue. I wonder why. It seems so logical to me that you would just suck it up and call. Be the bigger man and make the call. Heather's blog about regrets and not saying goodbye... talk about doing a guilt trip on a person. I remember Grandma wasting away but I had a completely different experience. I remember going to her house to visit during her final weeks and having Auntie Carol all but hit us over the head with a frying pan to keep us from visiting. Grandma really wanted for us to remember her as she was alive, not as she was dying. It must have hurt her much more than it hurt us not to be able to say goodbye - but that was just the way she loved us. I would hate to think that someone were to pass away while I wasted the opportunity to say goodbye. Oh, wait, what the heck am I talking about? I hate hospitals. Gosh, I can be such a hypocrite sometimes. Oh, no, Andy's done... its my turn.
Yeah, yeah... groovy. That was a good prayer. Said just the right things. Didn't talk too long. Just said what was on my mind... which wasn't much really... Now, Victoria's praying. She said something earlier about graduating. That really struck a chord. That whole thing about hearing God last week - that was very cool. And ever since then, its like I feel closer somehow. Like I know He's always around. Oh, no, I'm not becoming one of those icky Christians, am I? We used to call them, Bible Waving Jesus Freaks! I'm not going to start going door to door and praying with people or join one of those store front churches and sing praise hymns and throw rocks at abortion doctors, am I? Maybe. What do you mean, maybe? Maybe you will, and maybe you won't ever feel God's love that closely. What's that supposed to mean? I love God. But some people love Him more. They are farther along in their relationship with Him. Perhaps you will come to that point in your relationship where you want to be more active with your faith. Perhaps not. Perhaps God has other plans for you. You have just started on such a long journey. You have graduated. You are smarter about Christ than you were even two weeks ago. But you don't know nothing yet.
Hey, how come nobody is praying about me? OH COME ON! Satan, do you know ridiculous that sounds? Did you think I would be fooled by that? God has insulated me now. I now know when you use your voice and pretend to be me - trying to make me doubt my own faith. That is So not what I would think while praying. Though the question does beg an answer. Perhaps it is because I was so closed in my prayer and they are so open. My prayer was about me. Their prayers have been about others first. Man, I have such a long way to go. I don't even know how to pray right. There is no right spirit within me. That is why you can attack me, Satan. But I'm on to you now!
What was it that Dan said before, "Christians are the worst sinners because they know they need to be saved." That is so deeply profound. Its so nice to excel at something, even if its sinning! Man, that salmon was really good! Boy, can these people pray? Its taking forever and my butt is starting to hurt. And look at the way I'm wringing my hands - if there was a prize in heaven for physically worshipping God, my hands might be in the final five. I think I can ease back now before I break my fingers though... how much longer is this going to go on? I'm so out of my league. I couldn't pray this long if I tried.
Okay, Dan, sum it all up. Wow! Can this boy pray? Do you think he learned all that in Alabama? His Dad reminds me of my friend, Russ's Dad - The Marlboro Man. That guy is pretty taciturn, but when he speaks its always worth waiting around for. And man can he hike! Oh, you prayed for me. Thank you, Dan. Even though I don't deserve it, thank you! And thank you for seeing my real need. Yes, bringing the kids back home would be great. Wonderful even. But having kids to go, and having kids receive Christ, that's really the whole point of the trip. I am such a bad youth leader - no, not bad - but slow. My reaction time is just too slow. If I'd have been Pastor Dave, I'd have totally been hit with that football. I need God's grace to make me faster. God bless you, Dan.
The children are having so much fun playing. That's great. Let the children come unto me. I think God and I are in agreement on this one. They are still so young. So innocent. Little Joshua kept spilling his macacheese on my pants today and he kept saying, Sorry, and it was so pathetic and heartfelt that it was impossible not to forgive him. I wonder if that is what we are in God's eyes. Imagine the size of God's wallet - with all those photos of his beloved children! Most of us don't get it! We think children are such a burden, that they are noisy and expensive and always acting up. But that's children being children - that's the joy of youth! Children are such a Godsend! Of course, that's easy to say when you don't have them! I don't have to care for them, I only have to care about them.
Oh, we're wrapping up now. I made it. I didn't make a fool of myself. No more inappropriate communication. I remain controversy free for yet another week. Nobody looking at me funny and wondering what I'm smoking. Sometimes, I give them a glimpse of my soul and they can't look past the ugliness to the beauty inside. I really hope they'll be able to see the beauty inside my novel - because there's a lot of ugliness on the surface. Maybe I should blog about that? I don't know. I never know what I'm going to blog about until the words tumble off my fingers. But I probably should blog about this wonderful evening, or people might think that I didn't have a really wonderful time. It really was nice to meet so many fellow Christians and to learn so much about what I have yet to learn. Nice reality check.
"I pray all this in the name of Jesus, Amen."
2 comments:
You know, I will suck it up and call this weekend. I need to, and it's not for her, it's for me. I need the peace. If she chooses not to answer, or avoid my conversation, that's not my problem, right? I need to forgive her and soften my heart. God is my spotter, and I've got to get the barbell off my chest.
We each have so many crosses to bear, man. I replay that evening, and I'm sitting here wondering why I didn't pull out my prayer journal and write notes - I got stuck praying for myself that I didn't speak out loud the prayers for others.
And then I remember what I had said earlier that evening, that it's not what I say in prayer, it's what's in my heart. God already knows the prayer before I say it, and it's our frail human ego (and the enemy) that causes us to question what we physically speak in prayer.
I have experienced a lot of powerful prayer moments recently, and it's rare for me to come out of those prayer sessions without having shed some tears, knowing that I am purging myself with other believers, knowing that they are sharing in my prayers and I am sharing in their prayers.
For us to see a prayer answered that evening before it was even said (Christine) proves to me that the Holy Spirit was in our midst, and that I am a better Christian for the experience Saturday night.
I'm glad you came, man - I think Dan's comments on my most recent post sums it up - that the intimacy was there from the moment we got together.
Glad you liked the salmon, by the way. :-)
Will,
Funny! Sound's like you pray like I do. I hate to admit it but sometimes I even pray that it won't take too long.
There is so much to pray about. I've heard that some prayer meetings could last days. I am not sure if I am mature enough in my faith to handle that, however.
Hearing about Andy and Page's dinner makes me miss Bible Study on Friday nights at Pastor Peter's house. The food is always good. We have some good laughs and I always learn something.
I always learn something from your blogs too.
Keep on blogging.
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