I was a teenager - which is a condition that explains most outrageous acts of rebellion. I don't even remember what the argument was about - somehow my step-mom had pushed my buttons. I yelled and screamed. I was probably wrong, but its all in the past now. I ran off to fume by myself. In this heightened state of anger, my brother was sent to bring me back. We fought, as usual. And then he said something to me which I have never forgotten.
"I don't know why you want to be a writer. You're never going to succeed."
I became enraged and hit my brother so hard that I nearly broke his jaw. It was a vicious and powerful punch that channeled all my anger and all my strength in one stinging blow. It scared the hell out of me. I have been afraid of fighting ever since - afraid of what I am capable of doing if fully angered.
What is it about brothers? Our relationships are always complex. I am constantly reminded at the first brothers - Cain and Abel. If you are a brother, whether younger or older or a twin, you understand this story from both points of view. There have been times when I have been the completely innocent victim of heinous abuse from my brother, and there are times when I've tried to kill him. Love/Hate doesn't even begin to explain a brotherly relationship - its deeper than that.
As brothers, we are forced to share everything. And when I say everything, I mean everything. Food, clothing, shelter, space, thoughts, ideas - brothers become intertwined in such a way that at times our mere survival can seem threatened by the existence of the other. At other times, we can't imagine the world without our brother.
My own brother is going through a tough time - and what makes it frustrating is that he won't admit it. He's been there before. Haven't we all? And eventually, he will admit that he's got a problem and I'll do everything in my power to help him. But until that time, there's nothing I can do. We've created a space between us - not a bad space, but a protective space like two plants agreeing not to tangle their roots too closely or risk choking off access to all the best nutrients. Its an unwritten rule that we don't cross into that space until asked. Its frustrating when you can see someone struggling and know that there's nothing you can do to help.
The irony is that my Dad and his brother are going through the exact same thing at the exact same time. My Uncle has had the kind of year that might have broken Job. He retired, then discovered that he had cancer. He fought the cancer and won. Then his wife was diagnosed with cancer. She passed away. And shortly after that, he threw out his back and during the treatments discovered that the cancer had returned. Through all this, his son has been preparing to leave home and attend college on the East Coast - a life long dream for him and his parents - but hard on my Uncle who will have to face the loss of his entire family in one year. It was only recently, however, that he finally reached out to my Dad. Since then, I have seen their relationship in ways that I've never seen it before. You can see the years of shared joy, pain, and bitter feuds in their conversations - but underneath it all, you can see their love for one another.
Brothers will always be this way. I know no brothers that are not this way. I doubt I will ever meet brothers who are not this way. It is, then, a curious relationship pattern to mold our church body around. When we call each other sisters and brothers in Christ, what are we really saying?
I can't speak for the sisters, for though I have one, I am not a sister myself, but for the brothers I know one thing that it means for sure - an intimacy that is deeper than love or hate, where the truth can hurt, where the pain is all too real, and where sometimes barriers must exist to keep us sane and happy. It also means true joy for your brother; true concern for your brother, and true love for your brother.
The answer to the question, "Am I My Brother's Keeper?" unfortunately is, "Yes". We are bound to one another and whether it gives pleasure or not we are each other's responsibility.
8 comments:
Interesting point you bring up, Will - what is it that we mean by "brothers and sisters" in Christ?
Or when we say, "I love her like a sister" or "I love him like a brother." We typically treat those that we "love like a sister" or "brother" better than we do our own siblings!!!
But perhaps the answer lies in your last sentence, We are bound to one another and whether it gives pleasure or not we are each other's responsibility.
And that is why we say "brothers and sisters in Christ", because we are bound to each other, through Him.
I'd love to get some sisterly input on what being a sister means and how that might apply to the phrase.
Hi Will,
I have two brothers who fought constantly. The older was the bully to the younger, as I recall. We were all close in age, separated by one year. However, I always felt that in spite of the fighting, my brothers were closer to each other than either was to me. What always amazed me and still amazes me is how no matter what they did to each other, bruises, concussions, holes in the head, they managed to eventually “forgive”. And then they would fight again.
I hated the fighting though. Our house was always noisy and things got broken. I longed for Peace but it never lasted. On the other hand, I got along with each of them very well, and they were both protective of me. I love them both very much.
The younger brother became a Christian and we are very close. The older one is still unsaved but we are praying for him. The really ironic thing is, *he* is the one with the stable marriage. He has been married for almost 25 years to the same woman he met while in his twenties. Now that’s irony.
Will,
I want to comment on how enraged you became when your brother said you would not be a successful writer. You are a writer in the essence of your being. You knew that even as a child. Your brother knew that too. I guess you can call that "button pushing".
Elisa - thank you for your comments. Being a brother is a complicated relationship.
Sue - I know that my brother didn't mean what he said - he probably doesn't even remember he said it. We've all said and heard those things in our life. But it still fuels me a little, because it hit pretty close to my own fears about my abilities as a writer. So its not negative energy now, as it was then, but positive motivation.
There is something within a sister that goes deeper too. My sister and I are the only children in my family. She is 19 months younger than me. When we were little and we would fight my mom would sit us down on the couch and in her best motherly tone would tell us "I prayed and prayed that I would have another little girl so you two could be best friends and look how you're treating each other!" We would fight endlessly, still do at times, but we always knew we needed one another desprately. There was nothing like a family reunion where we'd hide from the crazy relatives and have the other to huddle in a corner with to show us we needed each other;) I don't know if you've seen the movie "In Her Shoes" but it struck such a strong chord within my heart as it portrayed a sister relationship. These two sisters in the movie seemily envied each other to the point of hatred. Their differences seemed insurmountable. But in the end you realize they love each other more than anything....the fighting will continue, they'll retain their vast differences, but they have realized there is a bond. I think my sister would agree with me in saying that somehow, as much as it doesn't make sense that we would be, we are best friends. Maybe sisters express the ups and downs and complexities of this relationship differently than brothers do, but I beleive it is just as strongly there. I would whole-heartedly echo "we are bound to one another and whether it gives pleasure or not we are each other's responsibility"
I am a sister. In fact, I am your sister. LOL!!
I don't know what its like to be a sister to a sister, but I do know what its like to be a sister to a brother. Sisters want closeness with their brothers, but see the wall - that space you hold for your brother, well, you have one for your sister, too. OF course, its different with your sister. For some reason, I guess because we come at things from an emotional rather than physical perspective, you allow us in, every once in awhile.
You know, bro, that our bond is tight. I think it is tight because you opened up your wall and let me in. I think that at those moments, and you know what they are, that the three of us have felt closest was at those moments when there were no walls. When we just let the other "be."
The quandary here is that we cannot let him just "be." To do so, we will allow him to hurt, which would hurt us, and is hurting us. We put up that wall to protect ourselves, but, in doing so, we've shut him out.
As a sister, I know that I often longed to truly know you both. I can't compete with you physically, but I enjoyed our mental and emotional connection.
I think I understand you two much better emotionally - while you understand us intellectually. I go to the heart, you go to the mind.
I don't know if all brothers interact intellectually, rather than emotionally, but that's what mine do!
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