I had a breakthrough this weekend so profound it nearly brought me to tears with the joy of its revelation.
For most of my life I had wondered whether I truly believed in God. This was actually going to be the subject of a future blog - one that I had been planning. You see, as a thinking human being I just can not rationalize away such troubling thoughts like the 40 years spent wandering through the desert or the parting of the Red Sea or the plagues or all sorts of other miracles. The stopping of the sun in the sky, etc... On the one hand, I, like so many others, want to try and explain these things through scientific means - perhaps there was an earthquake and it temporarily caused the Red Sea to dry up only to be set loose again a few hours later. But these scientific explanations make even less sense to me (and how did Moses know to be at the Red Sea at just precisely that moment that the Red Sea was going to be parted... and how did the Egyptian army just happen to be in the Red Sea when the water decided to flow again?) The short answer, of course, is to say that one shouldn't take the Bible literally. But if one starts questioning part of it, why not question all of it?
I was not exactly having a crisis of faith, but I wasn't exactly comfortable with these thoughts either. Did that mean I wasn't fully committed to Christ? Did these struggles I had with believing His words mean I was much less a Christian? And, let's put it on the bottom line, when I died and went to Judgement Day was I going to be found lacking because of my doubts?
I had sort of made an uneasy peace with myself because I knew that deep down inside, while maybe not understanding and maybe not believing every word, I did believe in God. I could feel Him in my life. I could see Him in the path of my life. There was no other explanation for it. I knew God existed... but I didn't understand it.
And that was when I looked at my Sunday church bulletin and the lightbulb went off and I nearly wept tears of joy, for on the cover was this quote:
"Understanding is the reward of faith. Therefore seek not to understand that thou mayest believe, but believe that thou mayest understand." St. Augustine
I realized that I'd been looking at the problem in the wrong direction. I wasn't supposed to be trying to understand God, I was supposed to be believing in Him. I'd already accomplished the hard part. And my reward would be coming to understand him over the rest of my life. This is something truly wonderful. And I thank God for this gift.
May you all come to belief... for it is there that you will find understanding.
Praise Jesus.
2 comments:
I'm blown away, Will. I was nearly moved to tears myself. It makes me think of Chesterton's image of the circle of rationalism vs. the cross of faith and everlasting love. You will drive yourself mad trying to rationalize God. But if you take it on faith, you free yourself and can really open yourself up to the eternally outstretched arms of the cross.
That was a beautifully said, brother, beautifully said.
Will, it's so good for your old youth pastor (how's that for an oxymoron?) to hear you expressing your own faith in such a raw and honest way. In my experience, one ephiphany doesn't answer all the questions. But it gives you the courage to ask the next question. It strengthens your faith to believe that the answer won't be an echoing silence, but the love of God.
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