Experiment Gone Awry

I have a shocking confession to make.

Back in 1991, when I was in the intelligence field, I became part of a secret government experiment called Operation - 1M. After scouring the African continent for years, the United States of America had finally amassed one million primates for a dubious project.

Secretly smuggled into a hallowed out volcanic crater in Hawaii, these monkeys were fed, housed, and ultimately trained. Strapped into chairs, in eight hour shifts, and placed in front of keyboards, the monkeys tapped away - all day and all night. The government thought that we could finally prove the theory, one way or another, that an infinite number of monkeys pecking away at a typewriter will eventually write the great American novel.

But the folly doesn't end there.

Some politicians discovered the project and derailed its original intent by getting the government employed monkeys to start writing political dialog for them. However, this plan was quickly scrapped when it was realized that the monkey's spelled potato with an "e". So, instead, the monkeys were set loose to write, once again, anything that they felt like writing.

At first, random nonsense escaped from their typewriter keyboards, but eventually, through neuro-motorized autanomic feedback responses and other technological mumbo-jumbo, their nonsense became less randomized. The experiment was finally released onto the unsuspecting public when the monkeys started posting randomly to newsgroups in the mid-1990's via the internet. When no one suspected this, new avenues for expression were sought - first with homemade websites, then with social networking sites like myspace and facebook, and finally with comment driven interactive media available everywhere.

Most people assume when they read comments on the web these days that there are some pretty ignorant people out there typing this stuff, but the truth is, all of these comments are written by a bunch of randomly writing monkeys in a lab in Hawaii. The government experiment has clearly gone too far and its time to return to normal civil discourse again.

So, if you'll all please join the outcry and tell everyone you know to Stop Monkeying Around On The Internet so that we can get back to our normal peaceful conversations, I would appreciate it.