In light of the fact that my entry into the Presidential Race is getting closer everyday, I thought I'd shed light on one of the most embarassing skeletons in my closet in the interest of Full Disclosure, so that when the Republican Dirty Tricks campaign begins against me in earnest, this will be old news to my supporters.
At one time, I considered myself something of a rock star.
No, its true.
As a writer, I sometimes call upon myself heretofore hidden talents that I've suddenly discovered I had and wish to share with the world. For instance, while writing my book, I discovered my heretofore hidden talent of Genetic Research Genius! Though, I admit, this talent was distracting to my ultimate goal of Entertainment Mogul and so I did not inform the CDC of my latent ability. In the case of the aforementioned skeleton, however, I discovered my hidden talent as a rock star/lyrical genius.
I have these characters, see, called Marvin and Ze Pink Paper Kups. They are the ultimate quintessential rock group with a silly name - masters of the rock universe. However, for the benefit of the imaginationless, I had to provide further evidence of their awesomeness for my readers, so I wrote a few of their songs... an entire album worth's actually. But as anyone knows whose ever written a song, you can't just write the incredibly awesome lyrics - a tune is also required. And so, I created an entire album's worth of awesome music for my characters who were masters of the rock universe. And, on occassion, I actually found myself humming along to these wonderful creations of mine.
Which brings me to the skeleton.
At one point, til too young to be able to blame alcohol for my temporary flight of fancy, I decided to actually create this album - physically - on a blank audio tape. I sat down in my basement with the microphone, the lyrics, and my incredible rock star voice, and I sang every single song on the album. In my head, I heard the screaming crowds and the swooning women and saw the Hell's Angels bodyguards throwing stage divers off the stage as fireworks exploded all around me and electric guitars blared. On the tape, however, is a low quality audio recording of me singing really bad lyrics with no backing music whatsoever.
And so, I decided to give the tape to a friend of mine to tell me what he thought. This guy was the nirvana of cool who actually had his own musical band at the time and would eventually go on to work on several Oscar nominated films, though not in the music field. I can't say whether my tape "cured" him of his rock star dreams, but they probably showed him the possibilities. Anyway, when I handed the tape to him and explained what it was, I remember the pitiful gaze he gave me - picture Simon about to lecture William Hung before his "Comeback" tour and you've got the approximate idea.
That look burst my bubble better than any actual comment could ever do. With one look, not having heard a single note of my rock star delusion, I knew what the world was going to think of my album. It suddenly became clear to me how insane my idea had been and how delusional I had been.
Um... unfortunately... I cannot confirm destruction of this tape, and thus its possible that somewhere out there this particular skeleton might exist. Let us hope for all of our sakes that my friend climbed to the top of Mt. Doom and chucked this evil tape into the fiery magma inside. Otherwise, hearing this audio deconstruction might just convince the world that it is one of the signs of the apocalypse to come.
Now, I am fully disclosed.
P.S. I still hum the tunes from time to time, however. I still think some of them are pretty catchy. ;)
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