I can't remember how to spell optimistic (or is it optomistic, or optamistic?) Spelling rules, like grammar, might be some of the first things to be jettisoned somehow I feel this sentence needs to end with a run-on.
It occurred, which is another word I can never remember, to me to the other day that the first thing God seems to be doing to me in preparation for whatever might be next in my journies fantasticue is to empty me of all the accumulated stuff that I've built up inside me like barnacles on the bottom of an ocean going tug. Stupid things like spelling and worrying about other drivers and politics and tons and tons of things that weigh down on my face and drag my smile upside down are clogging my channels of well-being like that 200lb per square inch butter filled pastry that the french pastry chefs tried to use to kill Homer Simpson when he was a food critic. When I listen to my C.S. Lewis CD's and the professor talks about finding joy, I wonder what this joy thing might be, and whether I might have once glimpsed it at the end of a long dark tunnel.
So, I've been fighting the temptation to fill myself up on things that do not nourish. I've been looking for a water so pure that it doesn't just quench my thirst, but keeps me from ever being thirsty again. In the meantime, I have been emptying myself. Thus far, God has made it pretty easy.
First, He threw a nasty cold at me. Colds always have the same effect on me - they take away my appetite. I've actually come to find them as blessings in disguise in the last couple of years. So, I've been scraping by with next to nothing for the first week of 2008 so far.
Then, He took away all of my money. Well, more accurately, the Christmas chickens came home to roost in my pocketbook. My budget for January shrank to a decidedly scary $5.08. With no relief in sight, I've decided to stop spending money on frivilous things like food. Ironically, the last money I spent was on Atonement. Hmmm... After Atonement, I'm ready to begin sacrificing.
Okay, I've been too long in Leviticus.
Anyway, so far in 2008 I've been very good at emptying myself. Next, I think I'll empty my closets of useless clothes. The mothballs are overworked and there are actual people out there that might find my used clothing more useful than my hangers find them.
So, food, money, clothes, spelling... I'm pretty sure that's it for now. But then, I am only half empty. I plan to be 100% empty before too long and then look out!
P.S. One of the strange things about emptying oneself is that there is a constant pity party going on in my head (its one of the first things I've been trying to extract, but this party has claws!) It is utterly ridiculous considering the accomplishments I've just finished in the last month or so, but the party is blaring in the background nonetheless. I'm trying to ignore it, but at times, the disco ball spinning and the beat of the techno music is tempting and I find myself on the edge of the pity party, looking in, and wondering what it might be like to join. Its been a long time since I let out a good rousing, Woe is me! Either that, or I'm going to call the cops and tell them that this party has been going on too long and they need to come break it up. But I hate to be a party pooper.
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