SALT LAKE CITY (CAP) - Republican Presidential candidate John McCain today called upon the United States to pay homage to its alleged Christian roots by replacing George Washington on the $1 bill with a more appropriate image, that of Jesus Christ.
The plea surprised some political analysts, who had assumed that McCain's reference to the U.S. as a 'Christian nation' in a recent Beliefnet interview was nothing more than pandering to the base.
"I dunno, maybe he did get loopy for the Lord somewhere out there on the Straight-Talk Express," one reporter told CAP News. "I had to cover that thing for two days in June, and I know I was praying to get the hell off."
Speaking at the annual Cattlemen for Christ convention in Salt Lake City, McCain said that his first act upon becoming President would be to sign into law a provision that would strip the $1 bill of the country's famous founder and replace it with "the nation's true spiritual founder, our Lord Jesus Christ."
"The beautiful thing about the $1 bill is that even the poor can afford them, just like they can afford the teachings of Jesus," McCain said to boisterous mooing. "Some think we should call it Messiah Money or Christ Cash, but I'm personally in favor of a shift in emphasis, from the one dollar bill to The One dollar bill."
While critics were quick to quietly question McCain's motives and the costs associated with such a massive overhaul of the nation's most popular currency bill, McCain's fellow Republican Presidential candidates were left scrambling to one-up the senator with their own monetary proposals.
The race's only Mormon, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, said he would put a smiling Jesus on multiple bills, noting, "I want to see the same thing when I open my wallet as I do when I open my bedroom door: many smiling faces."
For former New York mayor and terrorism-survivor Rudy Giuliani, Jesus would only adorn the $20 bill.
"What is 20? 9+11. Need I say more?" Giuliani said.
Bypassing Jesus entirely and heading right to the nation's first Republican saint, Fred Thompson would put a picture of Ronald Reagan on "some bill, I don't know, we're looking into it."
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
You can't corrupt those who don't read...
I was worried that this apology might offend my readers considering its R rated nature, then I realized that nobody reads my blog anyway, so it won't matter. ;)
I would like to apologize for a particular bane of human existence as its all based on a terrible typo that I made.
You see, I work for a particular company that sells pens. And I've been trying to sell one particular pen for a long time. Its been languishing in the doldrums for years now, just collecting dust. The problem is that this particular writing instrument is larger than other writing instruments, too big really to hold in your hand. And since most people prefer their writing implements small so that they can get a firm grip on them, well, this was a hard sell.
So, I had this idea for a mass marketing e-mail to help sell this particular item. I decided on a great headline, "'Embiggen your Pen!' is the rallying cry of a new generation!" Unfortunately, my overseas counterparts got the English translation wrong, and the headline instead read, "Embiggen your Penis the rallying cry of a new generation, which further got refined to, "Embiggen your penis - the rallying cry of a new generation," and finally just to "Embiggen your penis". This mass e-mail got sent to everyone, or so I hear, but people, naturally, refused to open it. And so they never got to find out about our pen.
More's the pity, because its a really great instrument and it really can do wonders for your sex life. Oh, I'm sorry... another typo there. What I meant to say was, it really can do wonders for your sec's life - as in secretary. What did you think I meant? ;)
This has been another cautionary tale from the fevered mind of Lanz Franco.
I would like to apologize for a particular bane of human existence as its all based on a terrible typo that I made.
You see, I work for a particular company that sells pens. And I've been trying to sell one particular pen for a long time. Its been languishing in the doldrums for years now, just collecting dust. The problem is that this particular writing instrument is larger than other writing instruments, too big really to hold in your hand. And since most people prefer their writing implements small so that they can get a firm grip on them, well, this was a hard sell.
So, I had this idea for a mass marketing e-mail to help sell this particular item. I decided on a great headline, "'Embiggen your Pen!' is the rallying cry of a new generation!" Unfortunately, my overseas counterparts got the English translation wrong, and the headline instead read, "Embiggen your Penis the rallying cry of a new generation, which further got refined to, "Embiggen your penis - the rallying cry of a new generation," and finally just to "Embiggen your penis". This mass e-mail got sent to everyone, or so I hear, but people, naturally, refused to open it. And so they never got to find out about our pen.
More's the pity, because its a really great instrument and it really can do wonders for your sex life. Oh, I'm sorry... another typo there. What I meant to say was, it really can do wonders for your sec's life - as in secretary. What did you think I meant? ;)
This has been another cautionary tale from the fevered mind of Lanz Franco.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
I'm tired of being reasonable
I know the Good Book says to love my enemies, but first I have to admit that I have enemies. The people that hack me off the most are any unreasonable, over compensating, individuals or groups who are the enemies of all things that I hold dear - fair play, honesty, freedom, love, and God. Right now, one group in particular has made me very angry.
To those people who have arrested a teacher in Sudan because her students named a teddy bear Muhammad (after a boy in class, by the way) you need to grow up and get a life or Allah is going to personally spank you for being brats. A Teddy Bear is not the prophet. Nobody but you seems to think that this is an insult to the prophet. While I didn't agree with your stance on the whole Danish cartoon thing, I at least understood where you were coming from in that argument. In this one, you're just plain wrong. Period. End of line.
So grow up and release the teacher! Or you will have the enmity of at least one American and probably a great many other reasonable human beings raining down on you in the near future.
P.S. I still love you even though it hurts my heart.
To those people who have arrested a teacher in Sudan because her students named a teddy bear Muhammad (after a boy in class, by the way) you need to grow up and get a life or Allah is going to personally spank you for being brats. A Teddy Bear is not the prophet. Nobody but you seems to think that this is an insult to the prophet. While I didn't agree with your stance on the whole Danish cartoon thing, I at least understood where you were coming from in that argument. In this one, you're just plain wrong. Period. End of line.
So grow up and release the teacher! Or you will have the enmity of at least one American and probably a great many other reasonable human beings raining down on you in the near future.
P.S. I still love you even though it hurts my heart.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Prepare to be impressed!
The Definitive Answer on Free Will and Why Time Travel Is Impossible!
A Scholarly Treatise of Immense Religious And Scientific Importance!
Read It Now And Nominate Me For Whatever Nobel Prize I Deserve!
Okay, maybe its not all that hype worthy, because it depends so much on faith and not a whole lot on science, except that if you believe one, then the other must follow.
Here's how it all begins - Exodus, Chapter (10-11, somewhere in there). God through Moses through Aaron baits Pharoah - let my people go or... fill in nasty plague here. If you don't, then I will surely send a plague of locusts, etc... tomorrow. So, here's the thing that drives me nuts. My NIV Bible tries to explain away this judgment from God as making perfectly logical sense based on the time of year, the previous plague and other atmospheric data, and, the tendency of locusts, flies, floods, etc... to occur in Egypt all the time. As if it were that simple. But then it occurs to me, okay - even if that were the case, how did God know that such a plague would occur at precisely that time? And if it was going to occur naturally anyway, what if Pharoah had said, "Okay, you win. Take your people and go?" Would God have been able to stop a naturally occuring plague from striking if all He was doing was looking into the future and seeing something that was going to happen anyway? But if God knew what was going to happen in the future, what does that do with our free will? Questions without answers, it seems, until I finally figured something out.
The key to the whole thing is that we were made in God's image. God gave us free will, but God never claimed that He didn't also have free will. You've got free will, but doesn't it feel like sometimes you have no choice but to do X even though you don't want to? Other people can, one by one, strip you of your options until you only have one choice that day. Its either do X or die. But you still have Free Will. You can always choose to die - you still have that other choice. So if, with our own free will, we can limit the choices of others to the point where they only have one real option left to them - i.e. do what we want them to do - then why can't we also prescribe to God the exact same ability?
Add to this ability of free will is God's omniscience. He knows everything, he sees everything, and he knows how its all going to come out. God can see the future and He can rig it so that all the good people win and all the bad people lose by using His free will to subtly make things so that you have a very limited number of choices (good or bad, right or wrong, God or... oblivion). Ultimately, its up to you to make that choice. Ultimately, you have free will - even if the choice you're going to make is known by God in advance.
Pharoah could choose to let the Hebrews go at any time he wants, but God already knows that Pharoah won't until after Passover. He's looked ahead and seen what's coming in Chapter 12 even while we're back at Chapter 5. So, He can see that there will be a plague of locusts and that this will cause Pharoah distress but that he will still not let Moses' people go.
But how can God be absolutely certain that Pharoah won't change his mind? Because we only get once chance to make the right choice. God may give us plenty of choices to make, but we only get one chance per choice. Time does not move backwards for us. Ever. And every choice we make is inviolate. It can not be undone. It can not be altered after the fact. Every step we take is forward, never backwards.
Because if we could go back and undo a choice we made, if we could "redo" our bad decisions, then we could alter and undo everything that's already been done. We could, in essence, make a liar of God's omniscience. And when the locust plague didn't show up as God had said it would, we would show God to be a fake.
But since we know that God is all knowing and all powerful, we also know that this can not be done. That nothing and no one can undo what God has done, except God.
Therefore, time travel - or more specifically, time travel that allows for interaction with and the possibility of alteration of the past - is not possible. Free will is still free will... but it only goes in one direction.
You may now start the Nobel Committee letter writing campaign and I promise to humbly accept my award next year on behalf of the blogosphere.
Thank you.
A Scholarly Treatise of Immense Religious And Scientific Importance!
Read It Now And Nominate Me For Whatever Nobel Prize I Deserve!
Okay, maybe its not all that hype worthy, because it depends so much on faith and not a whole lot on science, except that if you believe one, then the other must follow.
Here's how it all begins - Exodus, Chapter (10-11, somewhere in there). God through Moses through Aaron baits Pharoah - let my people go or... fill in nasty plague here. If you don't, then I will surely send a plague of locusts, etc... tomorrow. So, here's the thing that drives me nuts. My NIV Bible tries to explain away this judgment from God as making perfectly logical sense based on the time of year, the previous plague and other atmospheric data, and, the tendency of locusts, flies, floods, etc... to occur in Egypt all the time. As if it were that simple. But then it occurs to me, okay - even if that were the case, how did God know that such a plague would occur at precisely that time? And if it was going to occur naturally anyway, what if Pharoah had said, "Okay, you win. Take your people and go?" Would God have been able to stop a naturally occuring plague from striking if all He was doing was looking into the future and seeing something that was going to happen anyway? But if God knew what was going to happen in the future, what does that do with our free will? Questions without answers, it seems, until I finally figured something out.
The key to the whole thing is that we were made in God's image. God gave us free will, but God never claimed that He didn't also have free will. You've got free will, but doesn't it feel like sometimes you have no choice but to do X even though you don't want to? Other people can, one by one, strip you of your options until you only have one choice that day. Its either do X or die. But you still have Free Will. You can always choose to die - you still have that other choice. So if, with our own free will, we can limit the choices of others to the point where they only have one real option left to them - i.e. do what we want them to do - then why can't we also prescribe to God the exact same ability?
Add to this ability of free will is God's omniscience. He knows everything, he sees everything, and he knows how its all going to come out. God can see the future and He can rig it so that all the good people win and all the bad people lose by using His free will to subtly make things so that you have a very limited number of choices (good or bad, right or wrong, God or... oblivion). Ultimately, its up to you to make that choice. Ultimately, you have free will - even if the choice you're going to make is known by God in advance.
Pharoah could choose to let the Hebrews go at any time he wants, but God already knows that Pharoah won't until after Passover. He's looked ahead and seen what's coming in Chapter 12 even while we're back at Chapter 5. So, He can see that there will be a plague of locusts and that this will cause Pharoah distress but that he will still not let Moses' people go.
But how can God be absolutely certain that Pharoah won't change his mind? Because we only get once chance to make the right choice. God may give us plenty of choices to make, but we only get one chance per choice. Time does not move backwards for us. Ever. And every choice we make is inviolate. It can not be undone. It can not be altered after the fact. Every step we take is forward, never backwards.
Because if we could go back and undo a choice we made, if we could "redo" our bad decisions, then we could alter and undo everything that's already been done. We could, in essence, make a liar of God's omniscience. And when the locust plague didn't show up as God had said it would, we would show God to be a fake.
But since we know that God is all knowing and all powerful, we also know that this can not be done. That nothing and no one can undo what God has done, except God.
Therefore, time travel - or more specifically, time travel that allows for interaction with and the possibility of alteration of the past - is not possible. Free will is still free will... but it only goes in one direction.
You may now start the Nobel Committee letter writing campaign and I promise to humbly accept my award next year on behalf of the blogosphere.
Thank you.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Thankful For Mud and Crud
My sister's excellent Thanksgiving blog (at Superstar) kind of stole my thunder because she summed up what it is to be truly thankful in these hard times - to thank God for kids and family and job and health and all those other things. Its not that I'm not thankful for those things, although I admit to sometimes taking them for granted, its just that when I look back on this year I find myself being thankful for mud and for crud more than for happiness and health.
Its great, of course, to be happy and healthy, but if you're lost in the woods of life, happiness and health are overrated commodities - especially when you don't even realize that you're lost. Sometimes we should be thankful for just as many wrong turns as we should be thankful for the right ones.
So my list of thankful moments begins with Mud - particularly the mud of Westminster Woods just a few weeks ago when I was trudging around trying to build a playground in the rain. Why would I be thankful for mud? Wouldn't a nice bright sunshiny day have been more pleasant? Absolutely, but when you want to be reminded what being truly alive and doing God's work is really like, a little mud adds that je ne sais quot touch (colloquial French increases the educational level of this blog, right?), that divine layer of authenticism. Wallowing in the mud is such a metaphor for what we must do in order to be effective for God that its almost as subtle as being hit over the head with a crowbar, maul or... uh, whatever that other tool was. It was also fun. Lots of fun. And a great and wonderful reminder of what fun it is to embrace nature. So, I am particularly thankful for Mud this year.
Not that Crud takes a back seat to anyone. I dealt with a great deal of it this year - from a minor painful issue with my brother to a blow up at church with a friend to a serious setback in Film school. Each time I was reminded that I am not special, that I am not above causing pain, and that I have a great deal to remember in being a good Christian and a good person. When we don't interact socially, we aren't refined the way we need to be - our edges get a little sharp and brittle. Dealing with other people tends to shake up our view of the world and helps us blunt the sharp edges and become more rounded individuals and better Christians. Every time I'm hit in the face with the Zoo Monkey Crud of life, I take a step back, shocked, and then wipe the stink from my face. I don't always throw the crud, but I'm always close enough to be hit by it. It always stinks. It always stings. It always leaves a stain. But it always leaves me a little better at dodging it the next time. Getting hit with crud is God's way of refining us and reminding us that our crud does stink too. So I am thankful for crud and say, "Bring it on!"
Oh, and maybe its a good idea to roll down a window...
May you all be prepared to dodge the crud and embrace the mud this weekend.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Its great, of course, to be happy and healthy, but if you're lost in the woods of life, happiness and health are overrated commodities - especially when you don't even realize that you're lost. Sometimes we should be thankful for just as many wrong turns as we should be thankful for the right ones.
So my list of thankful moments begins with Mud - particularly the mud of Westminster Woods just a few weeks ago when I was trudging around trying to build a playground in the rain. Why would I be thankful for mud? Wouldn't a nice bright sunshiny day have been more pleasant? Absolutely, but when you want to be reminded what being truly alive and doing God's work is really like, a little mud adds that je ne sais quot touch (colloquial French increases the educational level of this blog, right?), that divine layer of authenticism. Wallowing in the mud is such a metaphor for what we must do in order to be effective for God that its almost as subtle as being hit over the head with a crowbar, maul or... uh, whatever that other tool was. It was also fun. Lots of fun. And a great and wonderful reminder of what fun it is to embrace nature. So, I am particularly thankful for Mud this year.
Not that Crud takes a back seat to anyone. I dealt with a great deal of it this year - from a minor painful issue with my brother to a blow up at church with a friend to a serious setback in Film school. Each time I was reminded that I am not special, that I am not above causing pain, and that I have a great deal to remember in being a good Christian and a good person. When we don't interact socially, we aren't refined the way we need to be - our edges get a little sharp and brittle. Dealing with other people tends to shake up our view of the world and helps us blunt the sharp edges and become more rounded individuals and better Christians. Every time I'm hit in the face with the Zoo Monkey Crud of life, I take a step back, shocked, and then wipe the stink from my face. I don't always throw the crud, but I'm always close enough to be hit by it. It always stinks. It always stings. It always leaves a stain. But it always leaves me a little better at dodging it the next time. Getting hit with crud is God's way of refining us and reminding us that our crud does stink too. So I am thankful for crud and say, "Bring it on!"
Oh, and maybe its a good idea to roll down a window...
May you all be prepared to dodge the crud and embrace the mud this weekend.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
There's never enough happiness
In which your humble correspondent explains to you the secret of happiness...
As a writer, I am fueled by happiness. No, not the mind tripping, day at Disneyland variety, but the average run of the mill everything is running smoothly variety. I have never been able to work when I am sad or angry or just bothered - hot or cold. In order for me to go visit my writer's place, I need to be sure that the regular world is going along just fine.
And so, it occurred to me as a passing fancy the other day, that if I could only just be happy all the time, then I could get a lot more writing done.
Phhfft! Fat chance!
Other than living off a steady supply of prozac or other narcotics, there is absolutely no way to be happy all the time... or is there? As human beings, we have been searching for the source of true happiness since time began. We have tried love, money, drugs, magic, religion, and all sorts of other remedies, but we've never quite gotten that one thing that is the source of true happiness. True and lasting happiness doesn't exist, does it?
So what chance did I have in finding true happiness if nobody ever had enough happiness for themselves. Happiness, then, being a commodity that we all like to hoard for ourselves and we can never get enough of it. And that was when I made a breakthrough and discovered the secret.
We can't be happy all the time because true happiness can only be given, not received.
Think about it. What have you done in your life that guaranteed you happiness? Nothing. Not one thing. You have been happy in the past, sure, but where did that happiness come from? Someone else. If it was that pony that you wanted as a child, that your grandpa gave to you as a birthday present, suddenly you were extremely happy. Did you get the pony yourself? No. Had you gotten the pony yourself, would you have been happy? Probably not, unless the struggle to earn the pony made you feel that you were lucky to have it - that someone or something had provided it for you. So happiness can only be given, and the only way to get happiness is to have it given to you.
So, how do you get enough happiness to last a life time? You give it out as much as possible. The more you give, the more you receive.
Darn, that God was sure clever to invent a system like that, virtually guaranteeing that we would be nice to each other... if only to be nice to ourselves.
As a writer, I am fueled by happiness. No, not the mind tripping, day at Disneyland variety, but the average run of the mill everything is running smoothly variety. I have never been able to work when I am sad or angry or just bothered - hot or cold. In order for me to go visit my writer's place, I need to be sure that the regular world is going along just fine.
And so, it occurred to me as a passing fancy the other day, that if I could only just be happy all the time, then I could get a lot more writing done.
Phhfft! Fat chance!
Other than living off a steady supply of prozac or other narcotics, there is absolutely no way to be happy all the time... or is there? As human beings, we have been searching for the source of true happiness since time began. We have tried love, money, drugs, magic, religion, and all sorts of other remedies, but we've never quite gotten that one thing that is the source of true happiness. True and lasting happiness doesn't exist, does it?
So what chance did I have in finding true happiness if nobody ever had enough happiness for themselves. Happiness, then, being a commodity that we all like to hoard for ourselves and we can never get enough of it. And that was when I made a breakthrough and discovered the secret.
We can't be happy all the time because true happiness can only be given, not received.
Think about it. What have you done in your life that guaranteed you happiness? Nothing. Not one thing. You have been happy in the past, sure, but where did that happiness come from? Someone else. If it was that pony that you wanted as a child, that your grandpa gave to you as a birthday present, suddenly you were extremely happy. Did you get the pony yourself? No. Had you gotten the pony yourself, would you have been happy? Probably not, unless the struggle to earn the pony made you feel that you were lucky to have it - that someone or something had provided it for you. So happiness can only be given, and the only way to get happiness is to have it given to you.
So, how do you get enough happiness to last a life time? You give it out as much as possible. The more you give, the more you receive.
Darn, that God was sure clever to invent a system like that, virtually guaranteeing that we would be nice to each other... if only to be nice to ourselves.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Pop Quiz, Round Two Answers
Because I know you've been waiting for this all week...
1) C
2) C
3) D
4) D
5) B
6) C
7) A
8) B
9) E
10)D
1) C
2) C
3) D
4) D
5) B
6) C
7) A
8) B
9) E
10)D
Thursday, November 15, 2007
This blog thingy
See Will blog. Will blogs well. Will blogs fast. Blog is easy to read. Blog is fun. Blog, Will, blog.
(Apparently, this blog is not erudite enough to qualify for the higher echelons of our educational system. While a paradigm shift could be attempted, I do not like to acknowledge the obvious social stratification that is rigidly enforced by such a maneuver. Besides, I like to keep all the big words for my Novel - where I get paid for them. ;)
(Apparently, this blog is not erudite enough to qualify for the higher echelons of our educational system. While a paradigm shift could be attempted, I do not like to acknowledge the obvious social stratification that is rigidly enforced by such a maneuver. Besides, I like to keep all the big words for my Novel - where I get paid for them. ;)
First a little geography lesson for Disney
A Magical Journey Begins for 100 High School Students Headed to Disney's Dreamers Academy
Walt Disney World Resort and Celebrity Radio Personality Steve Harvey Announce Participants
(November 14, 2007) Walt Disney World Resort will open the doors of the magic behind Disney to 100 creative and imaginative teens from New York to New Orleans, from Compton, CA., to Wichita, that is, from all across the United States, who have been selected to participate in Disney's Dreamers Academy. Disney worked with nationally syndicated radio personality Steve Harvey to create this innovative program.
Okay, so I checked out the list. Fortunately, with 100 participants its easy to do the stats. So how does their participant breakdown work for the United States? A full 6% of the people on the list come from the Western United States - and every single one of them comes from a city in southern California within 100 miles of Anaheim. So basically, all around the United States translates into the east coast and LA.
It's bad enough taking this biased view of the US from sports writers, but do we have to endure it from corporate giants like Disney as well. 6 people west of the Mississippi represent over half the nation. Pathetic.
First thing they should teach these kids is some geography. Who knows? Maybe they'll learn something themselves.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Should I Stay or Should I Go?
The Amazing Race is taking applications again and unfortunately, due to certain contractual rules that I signed with CBS, I can't ask my previous askee, Beach, to join me - if I should decide to enter again.
So before I commit to such an endeavor, I need a partner.
Wanted: A telegenic partner eager to race around the world, endure my bad puns, and generally make me look good by doing all the tough challenges while I preen and strut my ego before the camera and then cry during the interviews about how brave a team mate you are and how our relationship is stregthening as a result. Oh, and if there's a challenge with a zipline, I get to do it.
So, any takers?
So before I commit to such an endeavor, I need a partner.
Wanted: A telegenic partner eager to race around the world, endure my bad puns, and generally make me look good by doing all the tough challenges while I preen and strut my ego before the camera and then cry during the interviews about how brave a team mate you are and how our relationship is stregthening as a result. Oh, and if there's a challenge with a zipline, I get to do it.
So, any takers?
Monday, November 12, 2007
Simple Gift
I always have a very emotional Veteran's Day. I think for anyone who has ever donned a uniform, especially during a time of war or conflict, there will always be mixed emotions on this day. On the one hand, there is a very profound feeling of pride and accomplishment at having served your country. I always get this very Heinleinesque feeling of duty, honor, and responsibility when I think of the fact that I am a Veteran - that I put my patriotism into action, that I walked what I talked. But on the other hand, being a veteran almost always forces us to recall some sacrifice, some horror, and some innocence lost. No matter what you do in the military, you always shed something in order to feed the tree of liberty.
And so, this Veteran's Day, falling on a Sunday as it did, I found myself in church being honored and feeling small. As it so happened, our choir was singing A Simple Gift - a Shaker tune - about the simple gifts God bestows upon us. I was struck by the fact that this beloved tune was being sung on Veteran's Day and that the Shakers are one group known for their pacifism. To me, there was nothing wrong with that. Every soldier will agree that a little less war would be okay.
Before the service, my Pastor walked up to me and asked if I would read the Litany for Veterans, representing all the church veterans with my voice. I told him that I would be honored.
The service started and the thoughts began at the same time. My entire Veteran's Day experience always revolves around one particular incident. I only "knew" one soldier killed during the Gulf War. He was a quiet kid who had been in our school's ROTC program. So when it comes time to honor the fallen soldiers, I always think of him - even though I'm not sure I ever spoke a word to him in four years of High School. But I can't help but thinking of other sacrifices made during that war.
The incident occured near the end of the war, after the Marines and the Army had already pretty much taken back all of Kuwait and were driving on Baghdad. By that point, I had transfered away from my analyst job because we'd pretty much obliterated the Iraqi Navy already and was working with the Marines sending intel photos via an overglorified fax machine to the Third Marine Air Wing in Saudi Arabia. We got a dispatch from a marine recon unit that some Iraqi soldiers were setting up an anti-ship battery somewhere on the coast - with the intent of firing a missile at our carriers in the Gulf. The Marines spotted the battery with photo reconnaissance and determined the coordinates and had me fax the photo to the 3rd Marine Air Wing. In nearly real time, we "watched" as a Marine Harrier jet streaked in and blew the missile battery to bits - killing all three Iraqi soldiers instantly.
To my knowledge, its the only time I ever took part in the killing of other human beings. Boys, teenagers, like myself, who had maybe joined the Iraqi army to get enough money to go to college, or start a business, or raise a family; blown to bits. Dead. Finished. Gone. They would never again speak to their parents, or kiss their girlfriends, or pray, or laugh. They were simply gone. And I had had a part in their demise.
If Hell is the complete absense of God, then War is surely Hell.
And so, with these thoughts, I stood up to sing Simple Gift. The young teens began by playing a simple chord progression on the handbells, followed by a young lady on the viola, and then the choir began to sing.
"Its a gift to be simple, its a gift to be kind, its a gift to smile and to share a happy mind, its a gift from the Father, as we go on our way, with a joyful song at the end of the day."
The music, the voices, and then, the organ - subtly reinforcing all that had gone before - and all of a sudden I felt It. The Holy Spirit swirled around me and danced with the music and the young musicians and on top of the Choir's heads, and I suddenly couldn't contain the joy that was in my heart - the joy of God consuming me like fire.
From the depths of despair at an act of violence to the heights of joy at an act of worship, I ran the gamut on Veteran's Day. And when I read the Litany, my voice was not my own. My mind was on the families of the deceased, quietly mourning their loved ones who never returned, and on those still engaged in combat, who are even now fighting for their survival and being forced to kill in order to claim a dubious, human, victory.
We are called Veterans because we have been asked to sacrifice ourselves or our selves for the greater good. We do this willingly. And we bear the scars of our struggles.
In the end, its not such a simple gift after all.
And so, this Veteran's Day, falling on a Sunday as it did, I found myself in church being honored and feeling small. As it so happened, our choir was singing A Simple Gift - a Shaker tune - about the simple gifts God bestows upon us. I was struck by the fact that this beloved tune was being sung on Veteran's Day and that the Shakers are one group known for their pacifism. To me, there was nothing wrong with that. Every soldier will agree that a little less war would be okay.
Before the service, my Pastor walked up to me and asked if I would read the Litany for Veterans, representing all the church veterans with my voice. I told him that I would be honored.
The service started and the thoughts began at the same time. My entire Veteran's Day experience always revolves around one particular incident. I only "knew" one soldier killed during the Gulf War. He was a quiet kid who had been in our school's ROTC program. So when it comes time to honor the fallen soldiers, I always think of him - even though I'm not sure I ever spoke a word to him in four years of High School. But I can't help but thinking of other sacrifices made during that war.
The incident occured near the end of the war, after the Marines and the Army had already pretty much taken back all of Kuwait and were driving on Baghdad. By that point, I had transfered away from my analyst job because we'd pretty much obliterated the Iraqi Navy already and was working with the Marines sending intel photos via an overglorified fax machine to the Third Marine Air Wing in Saudi Arabia. We got a dispatch from a marine recon unit that some Iraqi soldiers were setting up an anti-ship battery somewhere on the coast - with the intent of firing a missile at our carriers in the Gulf. The Marines spotted the battery with photo reconnaissance and determined the coordinates and had me fax the photo to the 3rd Marine Air Wing. In nearly real time, we "watched" as a Marine Harrier jet streaked in and blew the missile battery to bits - killing all three Iraqi soldiers instantly.
To my knowledge, its the only time I ever took part in the killing of other human beings. Boys, teenagers, like myself, who had maybe joined the Iraqi army to get enough money to go to college, or start a business, or raise a family; blown to bits. Dead. Finished. Gone. They would never again speak to their parents, or kiss their girlfriends, or pray, or laugh. They were simply gone. And I had had a part in their demise.
If Hell is the complete absense of God, then War is surely Hell.
And so, with these thoughts, I stood up to sing Simple Gift. The young teens began by playing a simple chord progression on the handbells, followed by a young lady on the viola, and then the choir began to sing.
"Its a gift to be simple, its a gift to be kind, its a gift to smile and to share a happy mind, its a gift from the Father, as we go on our way, with a joyful song at the end of the day."
The music, the voices, and then, the organ - subtly reinforcing all that had gone before - and all of a sudden I felt It. The Holy Spirit swirled around me and danced with the music and the young musicians and on top of the Choir's heads, and I suddenly couldn't contain the joy that was in my heart - the joy of God consuming me like fire.
From the depths of despair at an act of violence to the heights of joy at an act of worship, I ran the gamut on Veteran's Day. And when I read the Litany, my voice was not my own. My mind was on the families of the deceased, quietly mourning their loved ones who never returned, and on those still engaged in combat, who are even now fighting for their survival and being forced to kill in order to claim a dubious, human, victory.
We are called Veterans because we have been asked to sacrifice ourselves or our selves for the greater good. We do this willingly. And we bear the scars of our struggles.
In the end, its not such a simple gift after all.
Friday, November 09, 2007
Pop Quiz, Hot Shot - Round Two "Comics"
So, you think you did well on Star Wars trivia? Now you have to show your true geeky metal by answering these Trivia Questions from the comics (both Marvel and DC). I'll try to stick to the sort of general knowledge type questions (not the name of the Avengers butler, for instance ;)
1) Wolverine first appeared in which Marvel Comic?
a) X-Men
b) The Uncanny X-Men
c) The Incredible Hulk
d) Tales of the Strange
2) Superman was finally killed by which bad guy?
a) Juggernaut
b) Lex Luthor
c) Doomsday
d) Batman
3) The writers of Batman decided to kill Jason Todd because...
a) He was annoying
b) He was no Robin
c) The fans voted to have him killed
d) All of the above
4) Daredevil was outed by which character?
a) His reporter friend, Ben
b) His lawyer buddy, Foggy
c) Electra
d) His ex-girlfriend, Karen
5) After Superman died, which D.C. character went on a murderous rampage that left hundreds of characters dead and a city destroyed?
a) Batman
b) Green Lantern
c) Lobos
d) Martian Manhunter
6) Spiderman #1 was written and drawn by which famous comic book artist.
a) Stan Lee
b) Jack Kirby
c) Todd McFarlane
d) Jim Lee
7) Which one of these men has not played Batman in the movies?
a) Dick Grayson
b) George Clooney
c) Christian Bale
d) Val Kilmer
8) Where did the X-Men get their blackbird plane?
a) Government loan
b) Alien civilization
c) Time Travel
d) Magneto built it for them
9) Which one of these men has not played the Joker in the movies?
a) Cesar Romero
b) Jack Nicholson
c) Mark Hamill
d) Heath Ledger
e) None of the above
10) Which of these characters was not an original X-man?
a) Cyclops
b) Beast
c) Iceman
d) Storm
As usual, do your best and leave your answers below. The answers will be listed on Monday.
1) Wolverine first appeared in which Marvel Comic?
a) X-Men
b) The Uncanny X-Men
c) The Incredible Hulk
d) Tales of the Strange
2) Superman was finally killed by which bad guy?
a) Juggernaut
b) Lex Luthor
c) Doomsday
d) Batman
3) The writers of Batman decided to kill Jason Todd because...
a) He was annoying
b) He was no Robin
c) The fans voted to have him killed
d) All of the above
4) Daredevil was outed by which character?
a) His reporter friend, Ben
b) His lawyer buddy, Foggy
c) Electra
d) His ex-girlfriend, Karen
5) After Superman died, which D.C. character went on a murderous rampage that left hundreds of characters dead and a city destroyed?
a) Batman
b) Green Lantern
c) Lobos
d) Martian Manhunter
6) Spiderman #1 was written and drawn by which famous comic book artist.
a) Stan Lee
b) Jack Kirby
c) Todd McFarlane
d) Jim Lee
7) Which one of these men has not played Batman in the movies?
a) Dick Grayson
b) George Clooney
c) Christian Bale
d) Val Kilmer
8) Where did the X-Men get their blackbird plane?
a) Government loan
b) Alien civilization
c) Time Travel
d) Magneto built it for them
9) Which one of these men has not played the Joker in the movies?
a) Cesar Romero
b) Jack Nicholson
c) Mark Hamill
d) Heath Ledger
e) None of the above
10) Which of these characters was not an original X-man?
a) Cyclops
b) Beast
c) Iceman
d) Storm
As usual, do your best and leave your answers below. The answers will be listed on Monday.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Climbing out of the valley
I had a day from Hell yesterday. I mean that literally. I was definitely walking through the dark valley, with no sunshine, and no chance of seeing the light at all. Thankfully, I was able to end the day without any major damage. But for a brief while there I was starting to sympathize with Job.
I finished writing really late Tuesday night. There was a chapter I just wanted to get done, and so I forced myself to finish it. But the problem with writing late is that I always need time to unwind afterwards. You get your brain working at a peak level of activity and it produces, but then you want to just shut it down cold as soon as you're done and it can't unstimulate so quickly. So I climbed into bed, physically exhausted but mentally doing gymnastics, and tossed and turned - my brain stimulating my body and vice versa. Then, to top it off, some mouse was burrowing in my walls to make a nest (it was rather cold) for the winter. It was well past 3am before I was finally able to convince the Extreme Nest Makeover unit to knock it off and I drifted off to sleep.
Four hours later, I woke up and dragged myself to work already despairing a long day of boring paperwork on little sleep. But shortly after I got here, I got a call from my accountant telling me that one of my credit cards had called to tell tales of unusual activity. I immediately called my credit card and we cancelled the card right away. Then, I spent an hour and a half changing my AOL password, before deciding to spend the rest of the day trying to eliminate a virus from my computer. All on four hour's sleep.
By the time I got home, I was ready to crash. But I forced myself to stay awake until 10pm, and then I just climbed back into my bed, pulled the warm covers over me, and slipped off into dreamy bliss.
Maybe its a thing you do as you get older - blaming God for your troubles. I used to read the Bible and wonder how these really righteous people could turn to God and ask, "My God, why have you forsaken me?" But now that I'm a little older, I start wondering when bad things happen - where is God out there? Why isn't He protecting me?
I know what the atheists would say, but they would be wrong. Instead, I turn to look at all the things that God did do for me yesterday.
I had a home to sleep in (and share with a nice but noisy mouse neighbor during the winter months). I had a car to drive and money to spend on gas (lots and lots of money). I had a job to go to that paid me money to spend on gas (less and less money). I had a computer to use that could get virused and software that allegedly prevented those viruses. I had a credit card that I could use to keep my gas guzzling car running. I had a family to return to and friends to read my blog. God has blessed me.
My God, my God, why hast thou been so good to me?
And then the sun shines through the clouds and illuminates even the darkest valleys.
I finished writing really late Tuesday night. There was a chapter I just wanted to get done, and so I forced myself to finish it. But the problem with writing late is that I always need time to unwind afterwards. You get your brain working at a peak level of activity and it produces, but then you want to just shut it down cold as soon as you're done and it can't unstimulate so quickly. So I climbed into bed, physically exhausted but mentally doing gymnastics, and tossed and turned - my brain stimulating my body and vice versa. Then, to top it off, some mouse was burrowing in my walls to make a nest (it was rather cold) for the winter. It was well past 3am before I was finally able to convince the Extreme Nest Makeover unit to knock it off and I drifted off to sleep.
Four hours later, I woke up and dragged myself to work already despairing a long day of boring paperwork on little sleep. But shortly after I got here, I got a call from my accountant telling me that one of my credit cards had called to tell tales of unusual activity. I immediately called my credit card and we cancelled the card right away. Then, I spent an hour and a half changing my AOL password, before deciding to spend the rest of the day trying to eliminate a virus from my computer. All on four hour's sleep.
By the time I got home, I was ready to crash. But I forced myself to stay awake until 10pm, and then I just climbed back into my bed, pulled the warm covers over me, and slipped off into dreamy bliss.
Maybe its a thing you do as you get older - blaming God for your troubles. I used to read the Bible and wonder how these really righteous people could turn to God and ask, "My God, why have you forsaken me?" But now that I'm a little older, I start wondering when bad things happen - where is God out there? Why isn't He protecting me?
I know what the atheists would say, but they would be wrong. Instead, I turn to look at all the things that God did do for me yesterday.
I had a home to sleep in (and share with a nice but noisy mouse neighbor during the winter months). I had a car to drive and money to spend on gas (lots and lots of money). I had a job to go to that paid me money to spend on gas (less and less money). I had a computer to use that could get virused and software that allegedly prevented those viruses. I had a credit card that I could use to keep my gas guzzling car running. I had a family to return to and friends to read my blog. God has blessed me.
My God, my God, why hast thou been so good to me?
And then the sun shines through the clouds and illuminates even the darkest valleys.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Failure
I hate to fail. Absolutely hate it. I'd rather have a root canal than fail at anything. Which, of course, is completely unrealistic since we all fall flat on our faces sometimes, but for me, its almost pathological how much I hate failure.
So, of course, I'm a writer. And now a film maker. Two potential careers rife with the possibility... no, promise of failure. I will fall again and again and again and will be sick to my stomach each time.
I don't care what anyone says about having to fail in order to succeed. I want to avoid that so much, I'll put off success if it means one more day without failure. But alas, I can't avoid it entirely.
Last week, I failed. Big time. Bombed entirely. Though I had managed to work at such a high level in my film classes up until that point, aceing every test, paper, and project that was due - my one failure was enough to put my entire film career in jeopardy. I came home, depressed, despondent, and utterly convinced that I would never amount to anything - let alone a film maker. It made me sick. I imagined all the other careers I might as well try, since I clearly was never cut out to ever be a film maker. But I knew that I'd fail at all those as well.
I guess I wasn't taking this failure very well.
At some point you begin to think irrational things and you rail at God. Why? Why am I such a failure at everything I do? Can't you just help me succeed at one thing? Where is the payoff for all this faith? Why can't I be successful?
I'm sure that He put His arm around me and let me rail some more, without ever letting me go off the deep end. The thing is that even while I was railing, and even while I was being bitter, and even while I was wallowing in my failure, I knew that I wasn't a failure. Part of me was detached - calm - telling me to just let it all out, to think all the negative things I wanted, and to be as irrational as I could, so that I could get the poison out of my system and get back to work.
By the weekend, I was back making films. Last night, I spent three hours mesmerized by the guy who did the sound work for Good Will Hunting (amongst other things) and realizing that I could already do his job now (by knowledge, not by skill!) And tonight I return to the scene of my utter failure, calmer, wiser and ultimately better prepared to succeed.
I may have to fail in order to go forward. But I don't ever have to like it.
So, of course, I'm a writer. And now a film maker. Two potential careers rife with the possibility... no, promise of failure. I will fall again and again and again and will be sick to my stomach each time.
I don't care what anyone says about having to fail in order to succeed. I want to avoid that so much, I'll put off success if it means one more day without failure. But alas, I can't avoid it entirely.
Last week, I failed. Big time. Bombed entirely. Though I had managed to work at such a high level in my film classes up until that point, aceing every test, paper, and project that was due - my one failure was enough to put my entire film career in jeopardy. I came home, depressed, despondent, and utterly convinced that I would never amount to anything - let alone a film maker. It made me sick. I imagined all the other careers I might as well try, since I clearly was never cut out to ever be a film maker. But I knew that I'd fail at all those as well.
I guess I wasn't taking this failure very well.
At some point you begin to think irrational things and you rail at God. Why? Why am I such a failure at everything I do? Can't you just help me succeed at one thing? Where is the payoff for all this faith? Why can't I be successful?
I'm sure that He put His arm around me and let me rail some more, without ever letting me go off the deep end. The thing is that even while I was railing, and even while I was being bitter, and even while I was wallowing in my failure, I knew that I wasn't a failure. Part of me was detached - calm - telling me to just let it all out, to think all the negative things I wanted, and to be as irrational as I could, so that I could get the poison out of my system and get back to work.
By the weekend, I was back making films. Last night, I spent three hours mesmerized by the guy who did the sound work for Good Will Hunting (amongst other things) and realizing that I could already do his job now (by knowledge, not by skill!) And tonight I return to the scene of my utter failure, calmer, wiser and ultimately better prepared to succeed.
I may have to fail in order to go forward. But I don't ever have to like it.
Friday, November 02, 2007
Answers
And so, here are the answers to my last post:
1) D) Darth Vader - young Anakin Skywalker eventually becomes Darth Vader, as seen in Episode 3.
2) C) Camino - The Cloner planet is named after a car. George Lucas is a big car guy. That's why you have the pod race in Episode 1.
3) B) The Death Star Plans - apparently it takes a long time to build a Death Star the first time.
4) C) To turn off the beacon - initially, Yoda and Obi-Wan return to Coruscant to turn off the Emergency Recall beacon set by Anakin to lure thousands of renegade Jedi to their deaths.
5) A) Nobody... unfortunately.
6) B) He dumped his cargo before being boarded (Even I get boarded once in a while!) Though knowing Han Solo, probably all of the above would also be a correct answer.
7) D) Porkins... "Porkins, pull up!" "I'm okay!" "Pull up!" "Aaaaarrrrgghhh!"
8) C) Hoth - Luke is just about to die of cold related stupidity when Obi-Wan finally figures out how to appear to young Luke from beyond the grave and tells him about Yoda.
9) B) Leia - At first, Luke tries to call Obi-wan for help, but his connection isn't good, so he instead instinctively turns to his unknown sister.
10) D) C3PO - Although, C3PO has no idea that he's pretending to be a god at the time, but when the son of the maker tells you to do something, you do it!
1) D) Darth Vader - young Anakin Skywalker eventually becomes Darth Vader, as seen in Episode 3.
2) C) Camino - The Cloner planet is named after a car. George Lucas is a big car guy. That's why you have the pod race in Episode 1.
3) B) The Death Star Plans - apparently it takes a long time to build a Death Star the first time.
4) C) To turn off the beacon - initially, Yoda and Obi-Wan return to Coruscant to turn off the Emergency Recall beacon set by Anakin to lure thousands of renegade Jedi to their deaths.
5) A) Nobody... unfortunately.
6) B) He dumped his cargo before being boarded (Even I get boarded once in a while!) Though knowing Han Solo, probably all of the above would also be a correct answer.
7) D) Porkins... "Porkins, pull up!" "I'm okay!" "Pull up!" "Aaaaarrrrgghhh!"
8) C) Hoth - Luke is just about to die of cold related stupidity when Obi-Wan finally figures out how to appear to young Luke from beyond the grave and tells him about Yoda.
9) B) Leia - At first, Luke tries to call Obi-wan for help, but his connection isn't good, so he instead instinctively turns to his unknown sister.
10) D) C3PO - Although, C3PO has no idea that he's pretending to be a god at the time, but when the son of the maker tells you to do something, you do it!
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