Sounds like the title of one of those spam e-mails, donit? Well, it isn't. I'm here to tell you about a new scientific method for reducing your weight that doesn't require you to have a specific diet and that doesn't involve taking any sort of medication (except Asprin for headaches, Ben Gay for aching muscles and bones, and other medicinal supplements as required for your own mental health). I'm talking, of course, about the new Youth Group Leader Diet.
Ever find that on Saturday evenings you are feeling listless and bored and that your energy level is just flagging? Well, one or two Saturday nights as a Youth Group Leader will change all that. Feeling listless? A quick game of dodge ball will change that in a hurry. Feeling bored? Try running around in the dark looking for a good place to hide while 11 rambunctious teenagers chase you. Energy levels flagging? Watch your adrenalin spike when a hard football whistles by your head, narrowly missing your sweat lined face by centimeters. At the end of one evening on our Youth Group Leader diet, you'll feel the pounds have slipped away along with a great deal of torn cartilage, bumps and bruises, and any last shred of coolness you once held in the eyes of teens everywhere.
But wait, that's not all! You also get to learn great old Christian songs while being targeted with well placed reproachful, yet oddly enough still enjoying things, stares. And there's Punch like you used to drink when you were a kid. And there's good old-fashioned junk food to keep those energy levels spiked to near-coronary levels. There isn't an aerobic workout like it anywhere on the planet short of the sheer terror of war!
So join us now! You know you want to! Shed those pounds and gain something infinitely more valuable in the process - Christian street cred!
Side effects may include: broken noses, rug burns, jello snorting, church fun, and becoming a much more tolerant, patient, and adventurous Christian. People on this diet should not let teens operate heavy machinery or vehicles as this may result in a loss of hair, or limbs.
FDA warning: There are old youth leaders. There are whole youth leaders. There are no old, whole youth leaders.
Weight Loss will vary from customer to customer. Ask your church pastor for more information about the effects of this diet before starting.
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But wait...there's more!
If you call now, you'll also receive a CD recording of church leaders chastising you for the job you are doing, including statements like...
"That's not the (insert your denomination) way."
"When I was a youth, we had respect for OUR church building."
"You're lucky we let you run a youth group."
"It's great you have all these kids, but are any of them from church families? Didn't think so."
"Please make sure your youth dress appropriately for church services."
And please be sure to specify if you are Presbyterian (PCUSA or PCA), Baptist (ABC or SBC), Catholic, Methodist, Evangelical Lutheran, Luterhan Missouri Synod, Episcopal, AME, UCoC, Evangelical Covenant, Church of God, Dutch Reformed, Amish, Eastern Orthodox, Greek Orthodox, Non-denominational, Pentecostal, or whatever name you've made up, so we can customize the CD and other resources for your local congregation.
Three easy payments of $99.95.
Call us now!
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