Emptiness

Life can be draining. We fill up on sleep and excercise and then spend that energy on mundane tasks like earning a paycheck and cleaning house. It can seem at times that we are just existing - working to live, living to work.

But for the longest time I've known that I have another reservoir inside me - a creative reservoir. I fill it up with fiction - television, books, movies, stories, plays, musicals, whatever I can devour. And then I empty it out again in the form of stories, websites, movies, and other creative endeavors.

For the most part, the two areas did not intersect. I could feel great and be completely brain dead. Or I could feel creatively alive and physically beat. My mom likes to tell a story about me lying on my death bed (flu or some such) and calling to her, telling her to bring a pen so that she could write down the story in my head. That's how I am sometimes.

I think, as well, that we all have a spiritual reservoir. But this one is filled up by both us and God. Its like a savings account where you make deposits and God makes deposits. Sin depletes this account. Withdrawls are made all of the time, but deposits only occasionally, as we feel like it.

I never knew what it took to write a novel until I finished it. The first reservoir to go was the physical. It became a bear to get up every morning and go to work after having beat my head against the wall the night before trying to write. But I'd been there before in college working on papers until all hours of the night. Physical fatigue was something I had tackled before.

The second to go was the creative. At many points during the writing, I needed to refill my creative reservoir before I could go on writing. I saw a lot of movies, discovered Netflix, watched a lot of TV, read a little, went to plays and musicals... whatever it took. And then, I'd go right back at it and drain myself again. Again, and again, and again... empty.

The last to go was the spiritual. We are in communion with God in so many ways that we don't even consider. But when we lock ourselves up in our rooms with nothing but a crazy outline and a computer and we throw words onto paper for hours at a time, its easy to discover all the ways that you are not being spiritual. Though I read the Bible every night, and blogged, my spirits remained low.

When I was done, I was left with such a feeling of profound emptiness - like I'd squeezed myself dry of every last ounce of energy in my body. To say I was weary of the Novel would be an understatement - I was weary of everything.

I took back the spiritual first - communing with friends and family like I hadn't done in months or years. Slowly, I could feel my heart get restarted and my "debt" repaid to the point that my deposits were finally starting to outpace my withdrawls. From there, I turned again to the creative. I've spent the last five weeks completely devouring any bit of fiction I could get my hands on. At one point I was watching at least one new movie a night, reading two different books, and listening to a third book on tape. I have felt my creative juices flowing again - granted, its still just a tiny flow. Physically, I finally have started to come back to myself. That is something that will take the most time. I have a hike planned for next Saturday and I hope to build from there.

When you feel empty, you just feel lost - like you don't know where you are and you don't have anything to contribute. Its easy to go from there to rock bottom. Ultimately, what's most important is how you fill yourself up. We can use things like drugs or sex or other worldly things to make us feel better, but they don't keep up happy for long. Its far better to start with the things that made you happy in the first place - conversations, friendships, relationships, and communion with God. With that as your base, you'll be happy to discover just how quickly recovery is possible and how fast you'll be overflowing.

And now... on to Book #2. What can I say? I'm a glutton for punishment!