Baby Steps

There's far too much to take in here
More to find than can ever be found
But the sun rolling high through the sapphire sky
Keeps great and small on the endless round...

Its the circle of life, and it moves us all... but its also crushing and debilitating and overwhelming at times. We have but a few moments on this planet, a few precious moments in which to do all that we've come here to do. We look around us and see all the things we'd like to get done and we know, intuitively, that we will never accomplish half of it. And that leads us to questions of what to get done, what to accomplish, what is our main purpose, and when do we get a chance to rest.

From my spot here on the bench I am reminded that Jesus rested often. He rested in the Garden, He rested in his home. He was doing a lot of work and He required a lot of rest. Do you ever get the impression that Jesus left a lot of words unspoken, that He left a lot of work undone? I get that feeling all the time. I get the idea that had Jesus five more years on Earth, Christianity as we know it would have been radically different. But He didn't. Like all human beings, His time came to an end sooner than He would have liked. His work did not get finished. But Jesus was not here to build a theme park where his family could come together and ride rides together. Jesus was here to lay the groundwork for His kingdom. He knew that. He knew what He was here for. And He was able to accomplish that by choosing the right people to carry on His legacy after He died.

Pondering our existence is an age old way to dodge the work that needs to be done. It is a favorite pasttime of those sitting on benches. Its no use trying to grasp the future or learning mistakes from the past if there is no framework to your life. You can not shape the base of the floor, nor hang the cieling, if you do not know what shape the walls will be. I have not looked at the blueprints of my life for a long time. My house is beginning to look like it was designed by Ouija board. So, ponder I must.

Work needs to be done, however. And so, as much as I need to disengage and determine my future route, I also need to get things done. There is a lot to do. And I will try to do it all because I don't know what is most important yet. But I can't possibly accomplish it all. And that will frustrate me and flag my energy and make me want to crawl under the covers and forget everything. When I start to feel overwhelmed, I stop working and hope the problems will go away. Its not a good plan. It never works. And yet, I keep doing it.

About ten years ago, when I graduated from college and the world was wide open to me again, I faced a similar situation. For two years I pondered back and forth and forth and back while I worked one day after the next - existing. My bench began to feel comfortable then and it took me a great amount of time and energy to break free of the lethargy that tied me down. I broke free using baby steps. I completed short tiny projects that allowed me the ability to accomplish things without the overwhelming pressure of large undertakings. It worked. Slowly, the lethargy drained away. I built a website (it was four pages at first). And then I started writing short stories again. And then I started adding video. And then I moved to Vegas. And then I moved back. And then I left Century Theaters. And then I joined a new company. And then I went back to church. And then I became a youth leader. And then I became an Elder. And then I started writing a novel. And then I was a stage manager. And then I got a promotion. And then... I finished the novel. And everything came crashing to a halt. I stopped, sat down, and watched the world pass me by from my nice wide bench.

I so want things to just click. I so want to wake up in the morning and discover the secret to making everything go my way. But its a struggle for me. Just as I imagine its a struggle for you. All I know is that its time to get off the bench and time to go ride some rides. It won't happen all at once. It won't happen in any pattern I can ascertain. But it will happen. My time here is short. But my purpose here will be accomplished because God will guide me there. Not my will be done, but His.