Out of the Wilderness

I admit that I like trees and nature and perhaps I've become too comfortable here in the wilderness. At some point, self discovery becomes self indulgence and you must nip it in the bud and rejoin the world. I guess I've been there and done that, so its time to pack up my troubles and head back.

I hope that I have not troubled anyone with my wanderings. I think this trip to the wilderness was inevitable - a necessary part of a journey. I wrote in my journal the other day that years from now I would look back at this time and say to myself, "That was when I got really wonky right before I finished the Novel" But I cautioned myself to remember how important this trip to the wilderness was - not just to my mental state, but also to my soul.

I know what finishing this novel will mean to me. I've been carrying this burden around in my head for decades. Ask any of my friends and they will tell you that I have been a writer for as long as they've known me. Maybe they've just been flattering me all along (entirely possible... I am extremely gullible when it comes to flattery about how great a writer I am ;) but I suspect that they have expectations that someday I will not only finish this novel, but publish it and many more like it. I know my parents have expected this since I first showed an aptitude to write stories. My sister has expected it ever since I invented The Orphanage (Sorry, Heath, I had to get that fact out there ;) So, finishing this novel isn't just about my own expectations... it carries the expectations of so many others as well.

Expectations are funny things - more than wishes, less than prophesy - they encompass our view of the world and its natural order. We expect far more than we imagine and are truly amazed and troubled when our expectations are not met. I expected many amazing things for my life when I was younger and have lived a life of unexpected reality instead.

When I left High School, I expected that I would breeze through film school, become a famous writer/director, and be rich and famous to the end of time. I expected that I would marry Karen, have lots of kids, and live in a big fancy house. My expectations weren't entirely without merit. I ended high school with 10 complete novel length stories under my belt and a slew of short stories and other projects. I was looking to hone my craft as a writer and expand into film making.

What happened next was a story for another day, but I think you can see that I did not meet my expectations. When the last piece of the puzzle finally fell apart four years later and Karen and I broke up, I felt like Job sitting in the ash heap of my life. I had nothing of my expectations whatsoever. After some time spent in the wilderness, I reemerged with a new set of expectations. Sometimes, our stories do not go as planned, and we have to adjust to a new plan.

The disciples had very clear expectations for their friend, Jesus, and just imagine how much higher those expectations became when they realized that He was the Son of God. But Jesus had very different expectations for His life. I think He went into the wilderness to deal with the reality that His life had to be. He was tempted at the end with promises of riches, power, and... the ability to save Himself from the horrible tragedy that was to come. How tempting it must have been to know that He could, at any time, avoid His destiny. But He emerged from the wilderness with a clear expectation of what was to come. His friends and family had other ideas. They thought they knew what to expect. But they were wrong.

When Peter tells Jesus that He cannot die, Jesus replies, "Get behind me, Satan." Peter's expectations for Jesus were dashed. He was troubled by the implications of a new set of expectations. And even up to the end, Peter wanted to believe that Jesus was wrong and this his own expectations for Jesus were right. But expectations are not reality. Reality can be oh, so much better, or oh, so much worse than we ever imagined. To take expectations as reality is to only delude ourselves into accepting a pretty package that contains nothing inside but air. Jesus dashed our expecations and forced us to accept a reality that is infinitely better than one we could have ever imagined. In many ways the history of the world since that point has been a combination of those dashed expectations, and the reality it spawned.

I leave the wilderness now with a new reality, and a new set of expectations. I embrace my voice now. I understand my role in the creation act. I know who I am and what I believe. I know that reality will be far different from my expectations, but I am content with enjoying the experience of reality.

I am heading off into a physical wilderness now as I leave for vacation for the next week. When I come back, I will surely be recharged and raring to go. Everyone have a great week... I'm sure you'll see me here from time to time.