Broken

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this.

Ariel, over at Bittersweet Life, asked the other day why some blog postings generate more answers than others. I think he was playing with it a little tongue in cheek, but the question is a valid one in a much larger context. Why do some days work so well, and others just seem to be obstacles to get past? Why does life click sometimes and other times it just feels broken?

Last night I tried to write my Novel and I just couldn't get started. After trying to write the same scene three times I gave up and called it a night. I was feeling miserable - tired, cold, and sick. I crawled into bed and pulled up my covers and watched TV. I got up this morning feeling much better. Had I worked myself into a state of sickness or was it just one of those days? I'm not sure. My brain felt like it was functioning perfectly fine. In this case, the mind was willing, the flesh was willing, but for some reason, nothing was working. It felt as if I was broken, dashed to pieces, looking at my novel through a fogged lens.

Its been a strange week for me. I've felt perfectly fine. I've felt mentally all there. I've even felt the calm and reassuring feeling of being close to God - and yet, its almost the same thing, like I'm witnessing my life through a fogged lens. I can't quite explain this odd feeling. I'm not entirely all there. I feel distant somehow - unable to connect.

I did something the other day I've never done before and bully for me. I had a problem at work that left me angry and upset. My co-workers were on my side, suggesting all sorts of drastic actions to bring about justice. Instead, I went out to my car and prayed for discernment. And I felt God's peace with me and true insight into not only my behavior but other's behavior. I chose another path for a solution and, as a result, the problem went away. But even as I was doing this, I felt outside myself - a stranger looking in.

I keep telling myself its the Novel. I keep telling myself that writing this Novel forces me to be of two minds about the world - one in the here and now and one in the realm of fantasy. Perhaps. And perhaps that's why I can't really be in focus. On the other hand, I also started reading Ecclesiastes again about ten days ago and there is some truly revolutionary wisdom in that book - its kind of the yang to Christ's ying and yet fully consistent with God's message. Perhaps my brain is trying to process too much stuff at one time.

Has anyone else ever felt disconnected, outside themselves, apart from the world? And did they recall what made them snap back into focus?

Oooh... just another thought... perhaps this has something to do with giving up Fast Food for Lent... maybe I'm going into Cheeseburger withdrawal? ;) It could happen!