What is this malaise that has entered my life? Is it just a case of the blues? Is it fear? Is it doubt? Is it reality? Is it sin? As the fog slowly lifts from my eyes and I'm tempted to start seeing the forest through the trees, I am reminded that I need to go backwards to the path I left, not forward on some sort of shortcut to pick up the path somewhere down the line. I have a tendency to want to cut corners, but this is a path of no shortcuts, no quicker routes, no easier ways. This is a path of narrow roads and singular choices where any deviation means that you've lost the way.
My life has become cluttered. In fact, it seems at times that all life is clutter. That without the clutter, there is nothing left. If I strip away my time at work, at church, at the Novel, and volunteering (T-Ball and what not), I am left with me sitting in a room watching TV. This is my life. This is what it has become. I fill it with clutter to distract myself from this quiet desperation. What is it that I am doing here? Martin Luther learned that deeds are not the path to God. And yet, strip away my deeds, and I am alone.
Perhaps God is there with me. Perhaps He sits down next to me and quietly watches TV as well, hoping that I'll... what? Do something? What is it that we are when we are alone? Is that not our most basic nature? Do we sit and pray? Do we praise God for our time away from others? What did Jesus do in the wilderness for 40 days? What ramblings did He have with Himself? If He was already perfect, what need did He have to go into the wilderness? What did He find there?
Is that the nature of my malaise? Am I basically alone?
The blues are common to lots of people. I have had the blues before. I suspect that I'm suffering from them now. For me, a writer, I note that the blues and writer's block usually go hand in hand - don't know which causes the other. And as was mentioned by Sue and Elisa yesterday, when you come out of the blues, the sun seems to shine brighter and the world regains some lost focus - like the sky after a rain storm is clearer, cleaner. But what causes the blues? Do we feel tired? Do we feel drained? Are we cut off from God through our own efforts, or lack thereof? As I said yesterday, I feel lost but I don't know where I got off the path and I don't know how to get back.
But the fog is starting to lift and the route is beginning to become clear. Perhaps my time in the wilderness will be short.
All thanks and glory be to God, the Almighty.
Amen
2 comments:
As I recall, Jesus was only tempted by Satan at the end of the 40 days. But it does beg the question, why would Jesus feel the need to be in the wilderness?
What causes the blues? That's a good one. I've recently been thinking that since God loves us as children, he wants us to grow towards the place where he can 'go away' and we will keep on doing what we should without his felt presence at our shoulder.
Isn't that every parent's dream? It still doesn't make growing up easy.
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