I have no idea what I'm doing

I think this is the ultimate expression of my ICON blog. I really haven't a freaking clue. I have turned the normal character trait of replacing confidence with bluster into an art form.

I am a student. I have no particular training in being a student. I really spent most of my formative student years learning anything but what the teacher was trying to teach me. But I pretend to be a good student, and therefore I am. I can pretend that I write good notes and I can pretend that I studied for hours, but truth be told, I'm often lucky on tests and I can write a mean essay that says nothing. I get by.

I am a youth leader. I have never been a youth leader before. I'd like to say that I learned from the best, but I was really too busy enjoying myself. I have no training in this area and very little ability. A teacher of mine once said, "Half of life is showing up." THAT, I'm good at. I pretend to be a youth leader. I pretend that I have some idea of what I'm doing. But I don't. Not a clue really. Still, nobody else is an expert either, so I get a free pass.

I am an inventory expert. Hah. That's really a laugh. I spend all day looking at spreadsheets and wondering if there wasn't some really simple way to do what I do. I'm sure if I were to ever go to college and take a course in this job, I could make my job so much easier. But I pretend to be an expert and my bosses pretend that I am an expert and pay me commensurate to my actual abilities. I think they just really don't want to do the job themselves.

I am a writer. Self taught - which in writing terms is about the same as being your own lawyer. You might occasionally get a parking ticket thrown out, but when it comes to the murder trial... I hope you like electrical currents. But I pretend that I know what I'm doing and rant and rave when people don't understand what I wrote (what's wrong with you!? ;) Ultimately, I really just like reinventing the wheel.

I am a producer. Ah... the nub of this post. I am about to embark on a film this summer using $5,000 of my own dollars and I really don't have any idea of what I'm doing. But I'm the producer and everyone expects me to be the expert - to be in charge. Somehow, I know this film will come together, but I'm always a little anxious before the start of a project of this size and complexity because I know that if push comes to shove, I'm landing on my a$$. However, I'll worry about that bridge when I cross it.

The fact of the matter is, knowing what I'm doing is kind of overrated. I've been in this position before where bluster can get more done than actual knowledge. If people think you know what you're doing, they will follow you a lot further than they will follow someone who DOES know what they are doing. And if you don't believe me, look at the elections of 2000 and 2004.

You see, it ultimately doesn't matter. And that is the essence of ICON. I con no one but myself. We are all just as completely lost as I am. We are all wandering around our own little islands trying to make sense of the world and none of us are experts. There is only one expert. And as long as we're willing to acknowledge that we have something even better than knowledge - we have wisdom. No matter how much you know, if you aren't willing to acknowledge who is really in charge, you are ultimately a fool.

So, I'll simply accept that I have no idea what I'm doing and put my faith and trust in the Lord. I'm pretty sure that I can't go wrong after that.