The Road to Damascus

I'm on the Road to Damascus and I can see lightning striking all around me and I am scared - not afraid of death, but not yet ready to be blinded either.

When we meet someone new we go through stages of relationship that ultimately lead to friendship and something even deeper if we're lucky. We're reluctant to meet this new person at first, and then our anxiety goes away when we get to talk to them and realize that they are not so bad after all. Maybe even a friendly feeling grows between you and this new person. You begin hanging out, learning more about each other, starting the long process to becoming friends. Eventually, you are friends and you see each other all the time and know alot about each other. And then, after a few crises' your friend might become something more - a brother or sister - and like is replaced by love. Ultimately, friends become more than family. The bonds are stronger. You would willingly throw down your life for this friend of yours, and they would do likewise for you. But each step on the path from meet and greet to ultimate love for a fellow human being is met with a period of hesitation and a commitment and an opening up of yourself to pain and betrayal. Nobody ends up with life long friends without a few scars along the way. No friendship survives long without some tempering.

When I was young, I was introduced to Jesus as if at a party - see that man over there, he's pretty cool. Gradually, as I grew up at my church, I got to know this Jesus dude. We were acquaintances. I wouldn't exactly say we were friends. While He seemed to know alot about me, I didn't know much about Him. After I joined the Navy, I came to a realization that I wanted to know more about Jesus. I began to ask the questions. The process was slow, but eventually, I came to the point where I trusted Jesus with a lot more influence over my life. We grew closer. We started hanging out together a lot more. And eventually, I'd say we became friends. But it hasn't always been easy. My friend always seems disappointed in me. He seems to think that I can be something more than what I am. He asks me to consider a greater world and a greater role in making that world a reality. I don't know that I could ever live up to these high standards that my friend has for me. For one thing, to do what He wants, I'd have to sacrifice quite a bit. I'd have to not only spend time with Him in my daily life, but I'd have to open up and let Him into my heart.

To be honest, that scares me. I don't want to lose control. The world is a wild and scary place and sometimes the illusion of control is all that I have between sanity and chaos. Giving up control, or the illusion of control, means trusting in Jesus completely. I can't do that by myself. I can't just willingly suspend control. I can't just willingly trust completely. I would be opening myself up to heartache and scars. I will need help. The kind of help that only God can provide. If I give in, if I take that next step, there will be no turning back. I will be following my friend into the Valley of the Shadow of Death and I will be trusting in Him to bring me out to the other side - alive and well and in a better place.

Asking Jesus into my heart means replacing all the junk that's in there now with pure love - talk about a shock to the system. I believe in Jesus. I believe that He's God. I believe that He is the way and the truth and the life. But I'm scared of losing my life to Him and for Him. I want Jesus in my heart, but only part way. And that is unacceptable.

I am at a crossroads. I can continue down this road blindly and hope for renewed sight, or I can remain blind and hobble back home without ever seeing the true world. I don't know which way to go.