Ego Enlargement

Harlan Ellison described the process of writing beautifully as a manifestation of a person's ego. In a manner that can only be described as egotistical, Ellison noted that to be a writer, to get published, etc... you needed to have a very healthy ego. Because the first challenge to any writer is to overcome that doubt that says, "Who wants to read what I have to write anyway?" To be a writer is to be confidant that what you have to say is of vital importance to everyone. Not, please read this you might like it, but, READ THIS! IT MIGHT JUST SAVE YOUR LIFE!

Being egotistical is hard work for someone like me. I wear ego poorly, like a coat that's two sizes too small. Its not to say that I'm not confident about who I am or what I like, but more the fact that I don't want to flaunt it. My choices are not your choices. I know what I like. I'm confident that what I like is great. But I also recognize that you and I might have different opinions about what's great and what's not. That can be a problem when it comes to writing because it can manifest itself in a desire to write something that EVERYONE will like. I have always been at my most succesful when I just tried to please myself while writing.

So I have to fight this urge and get my ego groove on in order to write. I have to be extremely confident that not only is my novel good, its quite possibly the greatest single document in the history of the English Language. Sometimes, I go through the motions, but I don't feel it. I say how good my novel is, but deep inside, I'm feeling like the thing is the biggest pile of feces in the history of the English Language. And so I have to struggle with these feelings of inadequacy by asking myself why I feel the novel is a moldy dung hill and how I might improve it. Sometimes, the feelings go away on their own. Sometimes I do find a change I like. Sometimes I just mope until I feel better. My novel makes me bipolar. My novel makes me crazy.

Is it any wonder I just want to be done with it?

Anyway, I'm half way through now. It gets better every time I touch it. In fact, I think its safe to say that it may well be the greatest thing ever written, next to the Bible. But ask me again next week and I might tell you a different story.