God's Will. My Will. I'm Will. I don't know where my will ends, His will begins and Will exists. That is the quandry I find myself in and I can't wrap my brain around it. So forgive me if this comes across as a little random. I shall do my best to make coherent logical statements about incoherent thoughts and feelings - which is, in essence, the problem in a nutshell.
For the first time that I can remember, I have completely given over to His will. Kenya was not my idea. My first knowledge of Kenya was as a location for a book that I wanted to adapt (someday) into a movie - a true story about some Italian POW's who climbed Mt. Kenya. A few months later, I heard about this mission group looking into doing some sort of mission project in Kenya. I went to their meeting. I was not overly impressed, but I kept the idea in the back of my mind. Finally, after going to Mississippi earlier this year, I decided to see what I could do to help the Kenya mission. I figured that I was good to lend a hand on a fundraiser or something. Then something happened. I was sitting in church, minding my own business, and, well, the next thing I knew I could clearly SEE myself in Kenya, walking down a dusty road. When I found myself back in church a moment later, I KNEW that God wanted me to go to Kenya. And so, I'm going. Not of my own choice, but because HE wanted me to go.
This has created a bit of a dilemma in my head. If I choose to go to Disneyworld, for instance, I know where I'm going, why I'm going, and what I'm going to do when I get there. Kenya wasn't my choice. God told me to go. I have my plane ticket. But beyond that, I'm completely in the dark. This is a very strange place to be. And its made me contemplate the question, "How do I KNOW that God wanted me to go to Kenya?" I'm not doubting the feeling, I'm just wondering what it was about the experience that made me so certain.
If for 99% of my life, I've been making decisions entirely based upon some part of my conscious will - even if only to justify some unjustifiable act after the fact - the sudden handing over the reins of my life to some non-physical, non-verifiable, mystic entity is a little bit disconcerting. I can't exactly call God on my cell phone and say, "Did I hear you right? You want me to go to Kenya?" I can't go visit him at a coffee house. To be fair, I can't even really say that He exists. I certainly couldn't prove it. And no court in the world would except the following answer, "Because God told me to," to any question about motivation. So, where does this certainty come from? And why should I decide to obey a daydream for such a momentous decision?
I am conscious of this question for a second reason. Someone I know is contemplating a major life changing decision based upon what they believe God is telling them to do. I don't doubt the signs or their significance. I have told my friend much the same thing that he is coming to believe, and so have others. But does that constitute a message for God? Is that really how God works?
Its no wonder that skeptics abound. From the outside looking in, Christians make life altering decisions based upon feelings and whims and then call it the Will of God. To be honest, from the inside looking out, it feels much the same way.
In the end, I must have faith that what I perceived as God's Will really was His will and not some deep seeded quirk of my own ego telling me to do something completely random. In the past, God's call has taken me to some interesting places - but I always went because I wanted to go and because I thought I was doing the right thing. This time, I'm going to Kenya and I don't know why or for what reason. I sometimes even wonder if I can do anything of value there. But then I remember God's call and I put the thought out of my mind. Whatever I do in Kenya is what God wants me to do. Beyond that, I'm just going to enjoy the trip, take lots of pictures, and wait for some sort of divine revelation. I have faith that my reason for taking this trip will be made clear.
4 comments:
I appreciate the brutal honesty of this post – of all your posts. Now for my brutal honesty. I have a lot of skepticism toward those who claim to do anything just because God told them to. It’s funny because, until this post of yours, I had completely accepted your assertion that God wants you to do this. But you opened the door, and there it is. The skepticism. The fact that it took so long to surface speaks to my strong trust in you.
I have no doubt that God does indeed have a will and that we fit in it somewhere. I have no doubt that many people have sensed God’s specific will for them and acted on it to the glory of God. However, I think that most of the time, most of us are poor receivers of messages from God. That’s why we need scripture and elders and wise brothers and sisters to help us stay on the path. Otherwise, we could all just make it up as we went along.
I speak as much from experience as from observation. I’ve been guilty of doing what I wanted to do and calling it God’s will. The example of Jim Bakker jumps to mind. You’re too young to remember him probably (you may remember his wife Tammy Faye), but he scammed thousands of Christians building a Christian theme park because he said God told him to do it. The polygamist leader Warren Jeffs was undoubtedly convinced he was behaving as God wanted him to. So, in general, it’s probably good to be skeptical, initially at least, when someone says God told them to do thus and so.
That said, if nobody ever acted on their sense of spiritual leading, the Christian Church would not exist today. And I am convinced that even misguided attempts to serve God can ultimately yield tremendous fruit for the Kingdom of God. What’s important is not the wisdom or the skill of the actor, but his or her willingness to be used by God. Ultimately, following God’s will means following the example of Jesus who did not come to be served, but to be a servant. And sometimes, just maybe, you have to go to Kenya to do that.
So you go, brother! Follow that call. Be God’s tool, wherever you are. God’s Will be done.
Dave, I think you hit on the key - knowing God's will for us DEFINITELY requires confirmation from others. When I hear the same message from more than one source (whether Page, Will, you, my accountability partners here in Pacifica, and Scripture, too) - that's when I KNOW that it's His Will. To simply do my own thing and call it "God's Will" is spiritual laziness at best, and arrogance at worst.
In your case, Will, the call to Kenya could not be any clearer, given the multiple confirmations you've received.
I think there's always the risk of second guessing one's self into inaction. I've always had "luck" in following where I think God is leading and trusting Him to trip me up if I head the wrong way. I'm afraid that's what Faith is.
Cheers.
Andy - I think the question I have is how can I know that YOU heard God's word. There is no proof, no explanation, nothing YOU can offer that would let me know for certain.
Going from that, though, leads me back to questioning whether I heard from God as well. I have no proof, no explanation, and nothing I can offer that would let you know for certain that I had experienced God's word.
Yes, there are lots of multiple confirmations of a message - but maybe everyone just had the same thought from different directions. Lots of people think Heroes is a good TV show, but just because you hear that from multiple sources, doesn't necessarily make it true.
Anyway, I got my answer last night. I'm satisfied that I've heard God and that He wants me to go to Kenya (really, the time to question it would have been before I spent all that money on airfare ;) And if I'm satisfied that God called me, then I can be satisfied that God is calling my friend to do His will as well.
So, good luck with that.
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