See You Soon

GONE FISHING!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no and NO!

But the pursuit of material happiness is just fine with some New Thought leaders, including Lett, who says, "God never said it wasn't OK to be well fed, well clothed or drive a nice car. You have to take care of yourself, as well as others."

Mark Anthony Lord, minister at Chicago's Center for Spiritual Living, echoes that sentiment.

"America was built on having a wonderful life, on being all that you can be," he says. "If you generate a feeling of self that's capable and worthy, you'll attract what you want. I don't care if you use it to get a car."

Emphasis mine.

I think this says it all...

16Now a man came up to Jesus and asked, "Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?"

17"Why do you ask me about what is good?" Jesus replied. "There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, obey the commandments."

18"Which ones?" the man inquired.

Jesus replied, " 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not steal, do not give false testimony, 19honor your father and mother,'[d] and 'love your neighbor as yourself.'[e]"

20"All these I have kept," the young man said. "What do I still lack?"

21Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

22When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

23Then Jesus said to his disciples, "I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. 24Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."

Matthew 19:16-23

Do not be misled. There is only one Way into God's Kingdom and it does not involve positive thinking or your bottom line. Do not be led astray.

I will see you all in another week. I'm off to go fishing. Keep up the blogosphere for me while I'm gone.

Peace.

A Better Pleasure

There's just no way around this. I'm going to sound like an old fuddy duddy by the time I'm done. I can't help it. But perhaps this is an ecclesiastical moment for me.

There is too much. No matter how we slice it, we have too much. We have outsmarted ourselves. We have begun to equate suffering with stupidity, when, in fact, its the other way around. Only suckers suffer, after all. Only the lazy and indigent and sinners and those unfortunate stupid people who don't know any better suffer. If you suffer, its probably because you weren't paying attention.

Bored? We have four hundred channels of TV for you, On-Demand Cable, Youtube, movies on DVD, radio, satellite radio, ipods, any form of entertainment you can imagine right at your finger tips. Hungry? Fast food on every corner. Thirsty? Starbucks everywhere that soda vending machines are not. You don't even need to look for a water fountain anymore because we have bottled water for you. In pain? We've got a medicine for that or a cure or we're spending billions of dollars on research to find a cure. Unhappy? There's a book answer for what ails you... or drink... or drugs. Lonely? We've got the answer for that online. And if you don't have time for meeting people or dating? We've got speed dating. We've got e-mails that take 30 seconds to write. Or text-messaging that takes 30 seconds to write. Or, heck, just call them whereever they are on their cell phone. There is absolutely no reason to suffer, whatsoever. No reason to wait. No reason to be hungry. No reason to not have anything you desire. If you want it, technology will provide it for you. Who needs religion anymore? It is an outmoded form of thinking. We stopped needing God when we discovered that we could talk to people on the other side of the planet by pressing a button. We can kill those people too in much the same way. Who needs God for anything? If I'm down now, technology will pick me up.

Anything God does to try and temper us, to try and refine us, we can counteract with some sort of man made invention. We have become bloated. We have become complacent. We have become defiant.

We don't mean to be. We don't mean to seek human answers for human problems. That is just our nature. And even though the human answers don't quite satisfy, there is some relief from our suffering - some temporary respite. We get used to the pain. We get used to the isolation. We get used to telling ourselves that we are happy.

But we're not happy. We're not free from worry. And the more that we have, the less happy we are.

But there is a pleasure that can only be found on the other side of pain. There is a pleasure of sacrifice. There is a pleasure of discipline. There is a pleasure of hard work and struggle. There is a pleasure in valleys that can only be experienced by visiting them, and coming out on the other side.

Submitting to God, choosing that path, means that you must walk through His valleys before you can climb to His peaks. You must submit unto death. You must die to become alive.

Death is the end of all things worldy. Resurrection is the inheritance of all things of true substance. There is a better pleasure out there than anything we have here - but it can only be found on the other side of death. We must die to this world and be reborn in Him if we are ever to obtain our true inheritance.

I am afraid to die... because I am afraid to live.

S.A. - Sinners Anonymous

10While Jesus was having dinner at Matthew's house, many tax collectors and "sinners" came and ate with him and his disciples. Matthew 9:10

Hi. My name is Will and I am a sinner.

I have been sinning since I was a little child. I don't want to sin - it just happens. When the time comes and I know I'm supposed to do something one way, somehow I do it the wrong way. I remember as a young boy being annoyed that my Mom always picked my Dad's birthday present for me. So, one year, I asked for some money so I could buy my own birthday gift for my Dad. I went to the store looking for a gift for my Dad and instead I bought a Hot Wheel - knowing full well that my Dad would not keep the Hot Wheel but give it to me instead. I knew it was wrong. I felt really bad about it. But I did it anyway. I can not help it.

I have been trying to follow the 12 Step Program for Sinners. I think I am on number four so far - maybe this counts for number five?

1. I admit I am powerless over my sinful nature — that my sinful life has become unmanageable.
2. I have come to believe that a Power greater than myself can restore me to purity.
3. I have made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand Him.
4. I have made a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.
5. I have admitted to God, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.
6. I am entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. I will humbly ask Him to remove my shortcomings.
8. I will make a list of all persons I have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all.
9. I will make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. I will continue to take personal inventory and when I am wrong promptly admit it.
11. I will seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, praying only for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out.
12. I will have had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, and will try to carry this message to other sinners, and to practice these principles in all my affairs.

This is a tough list. I am not sure I will be up to finishing all 12 steps. But with God's help I will try.

The question is, am I the only one who sees the irony of the Matthew passage above? It is often said that the Pharisees and others were upset with Jesus for speaking with and associating with sinners. But the reality of the Bible is that we are all sinners - every single one of us. Therefore, anytime Jesus is talking to any of us, he is speaking with and associating with sinners - as do we all. We are all trying to remove ourselves from sinful people, to be free of guilt by association, but there is no humanly way possible for us to do that. We are all in the same boat and we are all sinking together. Only Jesus can calm the storm.

Once again, my name is Will. And I am a sinner.

The Road to Damascus

I'm on the Road to Damascus and I can see lightning striking all around me and I am scared - not afraid of death, but not yet ready to be blinded either.

When we meet someone new we go through stages of relationship that ultimately lead to friendship and something even deeper if we're lucky. We're reluctant to meet this new person at first, and then our anxiety goes away when we get to talk to them and realize that they are not so bad after all. Maybe even a friendly feeling grows between you and this new person. You begin hanging out, learning more about each other, starting the long process to becoming friends. Eventually, you are friends and you see each other all the time and know alot about each other. And then, after a few crises' your friend might become something more - a brother or sister - and like is replaced by love. Ultimately, friends become more than family. The bonds are stronger. You would willingly throw down your life for this friend of yours, and they would do likewise for you. But each step on the path from meet and greet to ultimate love for a fellow human being is met with a period of hesitation and a commitment and an opening up of yourself to pain and betrayal. Nobody ends up with life long friends without a few scars along the way. No friendship survives long without some tempering.

When I was young, I was introduced to Jesus as if at a party - see that man over there, he's pretty cool. Gradually, as I grew up at my church, I got to know this Jesus dude. We were acquaintances. I wouldn't exactly say we were friends. While He seemed to know alot about me, I didn't know much about Him. After I joined the Navy, I came to a realization that I wanted to know more about Jesus. I began to ask the questions. The process was slow, but eventually, I came to the point where I trusted Jesus with a lot more influence over my life. We grew closer. We started hanging out together a lot more. And eventually, I'd say we became friends. But it hasn't always been easy. My friend always seems disappointed in me. He seems to think that I can be something more than what I am. He asks me to consider a greater world and a greater role in making that world a reality. I don't know that I could ever live up to these high standards that my friend has for me. For one thing, to do what He wants, I'd have to sacrifice quite a bit. I'd have to not only spend time with Him in my daily life, but I'd have to open up and let Him into my heart.

To be honest, that scares me. I don't want to lose control. The world is a wild and scary place and sometimes the illusion of control is all that I have between sanity and chaos. Giving up control, or the illusion of control, means trusting in Jesus completely. I can't do that by myself. I can't just willingly suspend control. I can't just willingly trust completely. I would be opening myself up to heartache and scars. I will need help. The kind of help that only God can provide. If I give in, if I take that next step, there will be no turning back. I will be following my friend into the Valley of the Shadow of Death and I will be trusting in Him to bring me out to the other side - alive and well and in a better place.

Asking Jesus into my heart means replacing all the junk that's in there now with pure love - talk about a shock to the system. I believe in Jesus. I believe that He's God. I believe that He is the way and the truth and the life. But I'm scared of losing my life to Him and for Him. I want Jesus in my heart, but only part way. And that is unacceptable.

I am at a crossroads. I can continue down this road blindly and hope for renewed sight, or I can remain blind and hobble back home without ever seeing the true world. I don't know which way to go.

The Durn Near Most Useful Thing Ever Invented!

Last night on David Letterman, a new invention was revealed which could just be the most useful invention ever made - a beer sling for your refrigerator. You simply aim the refrigerator towards the couch and then go sit and watch your favorite sports show. When its time to beer up, you press a button on the remote, and a robotic arm slides around to gather the beer can that is pushed out of the top of the refrigerator. The robotic arm rotates into firing position and FWAMO! A beer comes flying across the room and lands in your outstretched hand. If you aim it correctly, you will never have to leave your couch again for a beer.

Of course, eventually nature will call. So, we might need to invent some sort of contraption for that. But these are minor details in the ongoing quest to develop the perfect NCAA Basketball viewing experience.

Next up - Pizza Delivery Speed Dial button on your TV Remote!

Is that the beauty scale or the richter scale?

Hot Enough? Dating Site Mimics Studio 54
By DANIELA FLORES
AP

TRENTON, N.J. (March 21) - Jason Pellegrino (an 8.2 on the attractiveness scale) says the problem with Internet dating services is not enough really hot-looking people. So he and a business partner have created HotEnough.org, a sort of online version of Studio 54, the exclusive '70s disco where gaining admission was a pitiless Darwinian exercise.

A New Kind of Velvet Rope

Mike Derer, AP
Jason Pellegrino says he and his business partner came up with the idea after concluding that most dating sites attract a lot of brave and desperate people, but not particularly attractive ones.
Talk About It: Post Thoughts
The site, HotEnough.org, is for "fit, good-looking" people.

Prospective members must submit pictures and must be rated an 8 or higher by people already in the club. Once they're in, they are permitted to e-mail other "hotties" for $9.95 a month.

"It's definitely hard to get through that rope, but once you're in, you're in and you're part of the party," Pellegrino said. "But you know there's going to be a lot of people outside waiting."

The 33-year-old Nutley resident said he and his partner, Sean Cohen of Fort Lauderdale, Fla., created the site after concluding that Internet dating sites attract a lot of brave and desperate people, but not particularly attractive ones.

A few months after its launch, membership is just under 1,000, Pellegrino said. In the beginning, only 8 percent of those who applied made the grade, but now about 25 percent of applicants do, he said.

Candidates must send in three pictures, including one full-body shot. Active members rate the pictures online without knowing anything else about the people in them.

"People can say that the site is shallow, they can say it's superficial, but I think we're all a bit superficial when it comes to dating," Pellegrino said.

One of the "hotties" accepted into the club is Jimmy Ziomek, a 29-year-old from New York City who rated an 8.2. Ziomek, who said his job in real estate keeps him from going out much, is 5-foot-11, has blue eyes and light brown hair and goes to the gym four to five times a week.

Using HotEnough.org "saves time and it does the searching for you, narrows it down to the people that you are interested in meeting," he said.

Among those who didn't make the cut was Jeanette Ponder, a 28-year-old Internet blogger from East Orange who considered herself an 8 or 9. She said she applied because she thought it would make a good story.

"I got rated at like 5.7," she said. "When you put yourself out there in any situation, even if it's one which you're not taking seriously, it's going to sting."

But she also reasoned: "You cannot make a relationship by being arm candy."

Like it or not, HotEnough.org operates according to a principle that watchers of the singles scene have long recognized: "People tend to end up with partners who match them in physical attractiveness," said Margaret Clark, a professor of psychology at Yale University.

Pellegrino, whose day job as a project manager for a construction company in Maplewood leaves little time for dating, is 5-foot-10 and 180 pounds, has brown eyes and a bright smile, goes to the gym at least three times a week and gets his stylish haircut touched up every two weeks. He was happy to make it onto his own Web site.

"I see myself more in like the 7.5 range," he said.


This is reality staring at me in my face. Every time I start to think that just perhaps there might be someone out there in the world for me, I read something that only confirms my suspicions about the visciousness of the dating scene.

No thanks. I'd rather be lonely than rated like a bad musical act on Dick Clark.

By the way, I'm an 11.

BLORK!

I feel bloated. The kind of bloated that makes you sit around doing nothing. I don't want to write. I don't want to be creative. I don't want to work. I don't want to sing. I don't want to eat. I don't want to exercise. I don't want to read. I don't want to be entertained. I just want to sit here and exist.

Its given rise to a new theory of how Dungeons and Dragons actually rules the universe. You see, in Dungeons and Dragons you create characters and send them off with the idea that they will battle the evil dragons of this world. And they try, with mixed success and believe themselves to be quite good actually until something bigger and nastier comes along. During their fantastic quests they learn things and gain experience, collect rewards for their daring, and create a reputation as either a hero of some renown or a loser thug thief of some cunning and a nasty temper. This pretty much describes the real world. D & D was Second Life thirty years before Second Life was invented.

But... (and this is where the new theory comes in)... what do these characters do when they're not running around doing feats of derring-do, when their creator is not actively using them to rid the world of evil? I imagine they hang out with their buds, think about that castle they've been meaning to buy and fix up, maybe wench a little and dream of one day settling down and having a brood, watch the jousting tournaments with their friends and bet on the outcome of the field of 64 brave knights (65 if you count the ritual slaughter to decide who will make the final spot in the jousting tournament). Or perhaps they spend their time in ritual replenishment, fasting, prayer, and arguing over what sort of golden gild leaf they should use on the altar of their deity. Whatever the outcome, I imagine life between adventures is probably pretty tedious and an incredible letdown after fighting dragons.

Live life on the edge the entire time? Nobody can play that much D & D. And besides, without any sleep even the best gamers quickly lose focus. Not to mention the fact that you can quickly scrape off the paint of your best 20 sided dice through overuse - and someday you're going to need that sucker nice and fresh for when you take on the evil prince and his dominions trying to conquer the world.

So, you see, perhaps its a good thing to let your life lie fallow every once in a while, to rest up your weary self, sharpen your sword, wipe the blood off your shield, and reshoe your horse. Bigger and harder battles are yet to come.

When you put down the dice and the character sheet for a while, remember, you're doing your creations a favor. Just as our creator does for us. Someday soon, we will be asked to prepare for battle - and then I hope you have your dice in hand and a good supply of root beer and pizza.

Stock up, the battle is coming!

GO! NOW! DO NOT WALK!

Andy has an absolutely BRILLIANT post over at Mile from the Beach. Click on the Mile From The Beach link on the side of the page and GO NOW! You will not regret it!

Live Life Off The Wall

[1st Verse]
When The World Is On Your Shoulder
Gotta Straighten Up Your Act And Boogie Down
If You Can't Hang With The Feeling
Then There Ain't No Room For You This Part Of Town
'Cause We're The Party People Night And Day
Livin' Crazy That's The Only Way

[Chorus]
So Tonight Gotta Leave That Nine To Five Upon The Shelf
And Just Enjoy Yourself
Groove, Let The Madness In The Music Get To You
Life Ain't So Bad At All
If You Live It Off The Wall
Life Ain't So Bad At All (Live Life Off The Wall)
Live Your Life Off The Wall (Live It Off The Wall)

[2nd Verse]
You Can Shout Out All You Want To
'Cause There Ain't No Sin In Folks All Getting Loud
If You Take The Chance And Do It
Then There Ain't No One Who's Gonna Put You Down
'Cause We're The Party People Night And Day
Livin' Crazy That's The Only Way

Off The Wall
Michael Jackson

When I was in Fifth Grade I was a complete and total nerd - a lovable nerd, to be sure, but the signs of nerd abuse I was about to experience in Jr. High were already beginning to rear their ugly heads. I was not cool. No way. No how. Until Michael Jackson saved my life.

One day, as I was sitting in the school yard playing with my Star Wars action figures and imagining worlds far away and adventures that would one temper my future novels, I heard this infectious beat coming from the kick ball grounds. All of the black kids were over there listening to some new songs on a portable radio. I picked up my toys and came over - starting to hover nearby. The black kids were going crazy for the soul/rock type jams coming from the radio. I asked one of them who was on the radio and they looked at me like I was crazy.

"Man, that's Michael."

"Michael who?"

"Michael Jackson."

"Turn it up."

Soon I found myself not only listening to Michael Jackson's newest album, Off The Wall, but I was able to sing along to the tunes. They were jamming. To this day, I still think this is Michael's best album. In fact, pretty much after Thriller, I stopped listening to him.

Suddenly, I was alright with the black kids. They took me under their wings, taught me how to dance, taught me how to groove, and watched my back. One kid, Dwight, was the most popular kid in my school. We didn't necessarily become friends, but we enjoyed Michael Jackson together. During the school talent show that the fifth graders put on, I even joined the black kids on stage doing a dance routine to Off The Wall. It was the highlight of my Cool Career. For the rest of the school year, the other kids left me alone.

I was thinking about that this weekend not as a reminder of bad times or safety measures but in the way that I loved to groove to this song. I was cool once. This weekend, I was cool again.

It took me a while to get over my own self-induced repression. It took me a day or so to readjust to the sort of wild joy that I remember from my youth. I admit to being quite guilty for a while. I kept making half baked promises to God and I couldn't understand why He was upset with me. And then, all of a sudden, it occurred to me. God was giving me this weekend as a present of pure joy.

Anyone who knows my friend Russ knows that he is fun. All the time. When we get together for our weekends, we get more done in three or four days than most people get done in two weeks. This weekend in Vegas I managed to go to a mountain resort, win money, shop for two hours at Sam's Club, sit in on a toddler's gymnastics class, play with kids in a park, eat at a Benihana's knock off restaurant, have ice cream, catch flying shrimp in my mouth, and squeeze in time to watch some basketball highlights. And that was just on one of the four days I was in Vegas. I spent money like it was going out of style - treating to dinners and movies and tipping extravagently - and the best part was that none of it was my money, or at least, it hadn't been at the start of the trip. ;)

I smiled. And I felt elated. And I didn't grumble but once during the entire four days (three hours to get out of a parking lot is a little excessive even for 160,000 NASCAR fans). I came home feeling refreshed and renewed and ready to tackle whatever challenge might come.

Perhaps there is another point to the whole Prodigal Son story that we keep missing. Perhaps there is a need to go away in order to come back. Perhaps joy is best expressed only after a traveler returns. Perhaps life is lived best off the wall.

Blacked Out

Last Thursday night I flew off to Las Vegas. That was the last thing I remember until Monday evening when I returned to San Francisco.

As is usual with a vacation, the more fun you have the more screwed up things get while you're away. I've walked back into a series of complications in my personal, religious, and business lives. These things will take time to sort out and straighten up.

But it was all worth it... I imagine... since I can't remember anything I did in Las Vegas. So don't ask.

More Later...

Life In A Hermetically Sealed Box

Its human nature to seek security and safety. When we are young, we seek the protection of our parents against all manners of scary things - real and imagined. We seek the shelter of a warm home. We assume the abundance of good food and clothes and time to play with our friends. As we get older and discover more of the world, or as the world challenges us by removing some of our safety blankets, we grow up and realize that this child like view of the world is an illusion and that our safety is very much unsure.

We leave our homes and seek a place in the world. We first make certain that we have a shelter, and that we can eat, and that we have gainful employment or training for some sort of gainful employment. Eventually, when we are settled in our way, we seek out other things - friendship, companionship, social interaction. We build up walls of a safe and secure life.

When we were kids we thought nothing of riding our bike without helmets on the hard streets, now we obey the rules of the road and wear helmets lest our brains get dashed on the pavement. When we were kids, we'd eat anything before us, now we pick and choose the foods that we know, and that we know are good for us. Our walls begin to grow thick and strong and we start using them to keep the rest of the world out.

We don't talk to strangers - even neighbors. We're very cautious about that foreign couple down the street - they seem very edgy and strange. We watch our children like hawks - buying nanny cams to make sure they're safe, using GPS locators in their clothes, staying home rather than risk losing them in a crowded place. We stop going to movies and order them online instead.

We have perfected the safe little world and have locked it up tight and secure in a hermetically sealed box. Nothing gets in. Nothing gets out. We are very happy here.

I hate leaving my hermetically sealed box. I don't like to try new things. I don't like the anxiety of adventure. But ALL THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE OUTSIDE MY BOX! They won't come to me. I have to go to them.

I have to lose my Monday and Tuesday evenings to take film classes - even though I already have a college degree and a good job. I have to lose two more of my evenings to be an unpaid intern on a TV show that I can't even watch because I don't get cable - because that's where I might want to go in the future. I give up my Saturday evenings to run a youth group - just because its fun and because it pleases me. I give up my Sunday's to sing in the church choir- purely out of the joy of my ability. I visit friends and family and fly to Vegas and drive to Idaho and take vacations when I don't have the money. Financially, I live life on the edge and it scares me. Professionally, I do not have a secure, high paying, job. Socially, I have many friends, but no girl friend. The anxiety of all the insecurity in my life can be very high.

And so, I like to retreat to the safety of my box. I like the close the doors and windows and pretend that I am happy and safe and secure in my life - maybe watch a little TV, maybe just read for a while, maybe tinker on a project here or there. I like to pretend that complacency is the same thing as security.

But to borrow a phrase from the 1970's Battlestar Galactica, "Life here started out there." I may store my safe and secure life in the hermetically sealed box and let no one in, but life is not in there. Life is out here. Life is messy. Life is dangerous. Life is thrilling and crazy. Life is fun. Life is never complacent. Life is always changing.

I think, from now on, I'm going to roll back the stone that covers my hermetically sealed box and embrace life as much as possible and leave the dead things in the hermetically sealed box where they belong - only to visit them with the respect of one who is visiting a tomb.

Won't you join me?

She's Rich...

Errrh!
I'm listening.
She's rich, powerful... look, if you were to rescue her, the reward would be...
What?
Well more than you can imagine.
I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit.

And all you have to do to get this treasure is pretend to be stormtroopers, break into a prison cell block, shoot up all the guards, rescue Princess Leia, escape from the trash compactor, escape from the Death Star, fight off tie fighters, and then dogfight with the Death Star until it is destroyed. Simple.

How well can you imagine that treasure? Well... that's nothing!

I've only just started in John Piper's "Desiring God" or How To Become A Christian Hedonist, but he had me hooked with one thought - God isn't disappointed that we think so highly of earthly pleasures. He's disappointed because we aim so low.

Or, in other words, we're easily amused. We think we can imagine quite a bit, but God's treasures are infinitely more vast, infinitely superior, infinitely more satisfying than anything we can imagine.

Wow.

I can imagine quite a bit, but I'm not sure I can imagine that much. I used to think that to be a Christian on Earth meant that you had to suffer. Treasures were to be stored in Heaven - a bank account like a post-retirement account. On Earth, we were to be dirt poor and we were to love our enemies and we were to look like Ghandi and die like so many millions of martyrs. Where's the fun in that? But Piper has opened my eyes. God doesn't want us to not enjoy our pleasures and suffer. He wants us to enjoy His pleasures and celebrate!

What might those pleasures be? Love, instead of sex, for one. Family instead of lonliness. Prayer instead of solitude. Joy instead of depression. All the things that we embrace for pleasure are nothing as to what God can give us if we just ask Him.

Piper says it better though. I'd buy this book and see what he has to say.

Will - Out!

P.S. I got the internship. I will be working for a for real TV show come April which you'll be able to watch come August. I'll give you more details as I can.

The First Step Out On The Limb...

A while back I declared that I was ready to move on and gave a target date of April in 2008. Since then I've... done pretty much nothing. My mind has kept the target date and the concept of moving on alive in my mind - seeking opportunities and new prospects. But if someone were to ask me what I planned to do come April of next year, I would have probably just shrugged my shoulders.

Well, all that intentional planning has paid off. Through no fault of my own, I'm probably going to be interviewing for an internship with a production company next week. Probably. Maybe. The thing is that I still sort of have a job and that kind of thing can get in the way of working for free as someone else's virtual slave. However, the internship does come highly recommended from the potential slave master, so I might have to reconsider.

If I'm being vague, well, I just have to be. Of course, the surest fire way of getting new readers here at ICON would be to blab to the whole world about how cool my new internship is going to be and then let every potential future employer in the world come and look at my blog. It might not do my possible future career any good, but it'll drive up readership!

Anyway, vagueness aside, I have finally taken a possible potential first step away from the safety of the tree trunk out on to the limb of life and with any luck, I might be able to finally step all the way away by April of next year. Or not. It all depends on what happens next.

You know, sometimes for fun, I take my hands off the wheels just to see what will happen ;)

(Of course, the car then bounces on the center rail a couple of times and the ride people give me a mad look and I stop pretending I'm five years old and driving on the Autopia for the first time and start driving normal again. E-Ticket, my patootie!)

Ego Enlargement

Harlan Ellison described the process of writing beautifully as a manifestation of a person's ego. In a manner that can only be described as egotistical, Ellison noted that to be a writer, to get published, etc... you needed to have a very healthy ego. Because the first challenge to any writer is to overcome that doubt that says, "Who wants to read what I have to write anyway?" To be a writer is to be confidant that what you have to say is of vital importance to everyone. Not, please read this you might like it, but, READ THIS! IT MIGHT JUST SAVE YOUR LIFE!

Being egotistical is hard work for someone like me. I wear ego poorly, like a coat that's two sizes too small. Its not to say that I'm not confident about who I am or what I like, but more the fact that I don't want to flaunt it. My choices are not your choices. I know what I like. I'm confident that what I like is great. But I also recognize that you and I might have different opinions about what's great and what's not. That can be a problem when it comes to writing because it can manifest itself in a desire to write something that EVERYONE will like. I have always been at my most succesful when I just tried to please myself while writing.

So I have to fight this urge and get my ego groove on in order to write. I have to be extremely confident that not only is my novel good, its quite possibly the greatest single document in the history of the English Language. Sometimes, I go through the motions, but I don't feel it. I say how good my novel is, but deep inside, I'm feeling like the thing is the biggest pile of feces in the history of the English Language. And so I have to struggle with these feelings of inadequacy by asking myself why I feel the novel is a moldy dung hill and how I might improve it. Sometimes, the feelings go away on their own. Sometimes I do find a change I like. Sometimes I just mope until I feel better. My novel makes me bipolar. My novel makes me crazy.

Is it any wonder I just want to be done with it?

Anyway, I'm half way through now. It gets better every time I touch it. In fact, I think its safe to say that it may well be the greatest thing ever written, next to the Bible. But ask me again next week and I might tell you a different story.