I'm Feeling Ecclesiastical

Christmas time is here. Happiness and cheer. My favorite time of year. I wish I had a beer. Try not to sneer. Or to hit a deer. Hot elves make me leer. And no, I'm not queer. I meant female elves, you hear?

My apologies to Charles Schultz. I see nothing. I know nothing. My mind is adrift in the lackadaisical leanings of a post-election coital and I'm just floating along, looking down, and realizing that what I most want for Christmas this year is meaning. Good old fashioned black and white clearly contrasted Meaning.

Its all so pointless really. And I just can't shake the feeling. Rampant consumerism. Rampant politics. Rampant blaming. Rampant talking heads. Rampant rampantness. Its all so... rampant. I feel like setting traps, capturing a few rampants, and throwing them in the trash.

I want meaning. I want just an ever so tiny sliver of the real world God promises, now. Just a peak really. Just a whiff. I want to feel sunlight on my face. I want to feel some warmth in my heart that I don't suspect as a clever ploy to get me to part with money or to vote for your candidate. I don't want Hollywood special effects. I want nitty gritty. I want the bachelor to be human. I want to put real back into reality. I want value.

But there's none of it here. In the bright baubles of fake trees and lights, in the tinny ring of salvation bells, in the chemical smell of faux sugary sweets, there is nothing of meaning, there is nothing of value, there is no God.

I want God, not something that's ten times better than God for half the price! I want God, not some oversized promise of God that's better for my health. I want God, not some washed out politically correct mind scrub of God.

See... my mind is in a dark place, surrounded by nothing but shadows, and I can't find the light source.

It's all meaningless without God.

Footprints in the Sand Two - Electric Boogaloo

And the man asked, "Lord, why is it that at the top of these sand dunes there are two sets of footprints, but in the valleys there are only one?"

And Jesus replied, "Because when we went across the peaks, I walked with you, but when we were in the valleys, I carried you."

After a profound silence filled with gratitude and awe, the man looked around at all the sand and said, "By the way, where the heck are we?"

_______________________________________________________________________________________

When, after a certain point in his life, St. Augustine looked back, he could clearly see the pattern that God had laid out in his life and he knew that God had directed his path.

Then St. Augustine looked to the future and realized that he still had no idea where God was leading him.

________________________________________________________________________________________

I am lost. Not in the profound sense of someone who is terrified and alone. No, I am lost in the Lord. I am standing on a giant sand dune, looking back at the wonderful path God has given me. I have strayed from time to time, but God has always dragged me back on course, with the occassional kick to the head for good measure. And here I am. I can clearly see the path I've taken. But when I turn around and look ahead, I have no idea where I'm going.

Today, I enrolled in college. Again. For the first time in ten years. I always knew that someday I would go back, but I didn't see this coming from 100 miles away. But God knew and I followed God.

Here now are the mile markers that lead to this event.

I left Century Theatres in 2000 and decided to find a nice quiet job. I ended up here at Yasutomo. This move gave me weekends and evenings free. I quickly surmised that I had the time to return to an active church life. I rejoined the choir and started reattending church on Sundays. Shortly thereafter, the youth assistant left to join the seminary. Seeing the youth pastor struggle, I volunteered to help out from time to time.

A year or so passed and I started to work on my novel. Just as I was really getting into it, I changed course abruptly in order to finish my website. The website took a few months to complete and was exhausting work. Literally the day I finished it, with every intent to return to work on my novel, one of the youth in my church asked if I'd be interested in becoming Stage Manager at a local theater. I got one of those tingly spider-sense kind of things and took the job.

My friendship grew with the youth and with other actors and directors. The play ended about three months later and I threw myself into the novel full time for the next 3 years or so. In the meantime, I had cultivated some serious friendships. We continued to hang out and do youth type things. When the youth pastor abruptly left my church, I took over as the youth leader. My friendship with the youths helped to ease the transition.

Cut to: This summer, after finishing the latest draft of the novel, I was wondering what to do next. My youth friends (having just completed their first year of college) walked up to me and said, "Will, we want to make a film this summer." I think my jaw must have dropped. "Okay," was my response. Over Columbus Day Weekend, we shot for two days the five minute pilot I had written years before but had never had a chance to film for lack of actors.

When I was done filming, I looked at the footage and something remarkable occurred to me. I really suck at film making. And then the whole spidey sense thing kicked in again and I just knew that it was time to go back to school to become a film maker.

I left high school wanting to be a film maker and gave up because I wasn't ready. I left the Navy to become a film maker and gave up because I wasn't ready. Now, here, fourteen years after my last attempt, I am finally returning to film school. Each step along the way can be clearly seen and chronicled by me. I know where I walked side by side with Jesus and I know where He carried me. But when I turn around and look ahead, there are no footprints before me. I have no idea where I'm going or why I'm going there.

I may be lost, but I have the ultimate navigator with me. I will fear no evil, for He is with me.

The Beginning

The Lord works in mysterious ways, but I've never had so direct an answer to prayer as I did this weekend.

On Saturday night, I prayed to God about my youth group, asking for His guidance in making this Advent season relevant to the youth of my church. In the midst of my prayer, I had a sudden thought. "Why do we celebrate Christmas?"

Beyond the usual notions of Christmas and its commercial driven reasons, the murkiness of the nativity and its relevance to the Christian religion is probably lost on most Christians. It is not readily accessible as a powerful religious allegory that is somehow directly related to our everyday lives. None of us are likely to experience virgin birth, nor wisemen at our door, nor stars to follow, nor angels appearing to announce a birth, nor choirs of angels, etc... So what is the relevance to us? Why do we celebrate Christ's birth every year in a way that we do not celebrate anyone else's birth? Is is just because He was God? Shouldn't we just sing Him Happy Birthday and pass out some birthday cake then?

All of these ideas flashed through my head in a blur and a moment and it got me to ponder the whole advent season. I knew immediately, of course, that I had to use this idea to explore the notion of the nativity with the youth group this season. Not as a straight forward explanation - this is what the Bible says - but as a question of why the nativity is relevant to you and to the world.

Then, lest I forget the prayer of the night before, on Sunday I was sitting in my church library and I found a very dated book about The Gospel According to Thomas. This gnostic publication found in Egypt in the 40's had been translated as a loggia of Jesus's sayings purportedly quoted by the apostle Thomas. I skipped the intro and went straight to the words themselves and found a quote that really struck me... (and I'm paraphrasing here).

"Why do you ask me about the end, but not about the beginning? Truly I say to you, if you want to understand the end, you must first understand the beginning."

This quote has not left my mind since because whether spoken by Jesus or not, it is deeply profound. It also reminded me of my idea and my obligation to the youth.

So I've already decided to fill in my youth with the background of the nativity next week, but what I'd really like from you all is an answer to the question, "Why is the nativity relevant to you and to the world?" I don't have a definitive answer yet, myself. I must contemplate the question for a while before I hope to even venture a profound guess. But, perhaps, this is something you have pondered already or have read from the likes of C.S. Lewis or others. So, let me hear it.

I look forward to your posts or responses.

Has Penis Lost Its Punch?

Everyday I receive at least ten emails with subject lines that read, "Improve Penis Power!" or some such. Just now I received one of these e-mails and it suddenly occurred to me - I wasn't fazed by it at all.

I don't consider myself a prude or anything, but there was a time when the word Penis or Breasts or, as Monty Python called them, other Naughty Bits, would embarass me just to read them or say them. Its not that I was uncomfortable with the subject matter so much as the fact that I was raised to not use these words in public company. These were words best used by doctors and... ahem... others. Definitely not for casual consumption. (I meant the words, not the object... you perverts!)

But now with these words floating around the Internet and spamverse like flotsam and jetsom after a storm, you can't swing a dead cat without running into breast enlargements, penis enhancements, cheaper viagara, and speed disguised as weight loss drugs. These once giggle inducing words have been reduced to the common.

In language this is called marking language. Certain words are marked as taboo. You know what those words are. Eventually, through time, marked words become unmarked. They enter the mainstream through a combination of use and replacement.

Fifty years ago, I imagine that most people didn't know what an abortion was, let alone talk about it every two to four years as if it was a common every day thing. Now, of course, it is part of our national discourse at election time. So, too, must we expect the idea that someday people will be talking about penis enhancements like tattoo's. "Yeah, Bob, check out my extra four inches." "That's really great. Where'd you get it done?" "Wal-mart. They were having a special."

Perhaps this is why human beings are constantly feeling like the end of the world is near. When things that we grew up with as being taboo find themselves in the mainstream of thought, how can we not feel that the world has changed irrevocably for the worst?

So, this Thanksgiving, I am most thankful for these last few moments of innocense in my life. I like my breasts, penis, and other naughty bits just the way they are, thank you, and I really don't feel the need to change, or discuss it. Some things just ought to remain unspoken.

But certainly not un-blogged about... ;)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Walking With My Eyes Closed

Sometimes I like to close my eyes while I'm walking and just listen to the sounds of the Earth around me. Typically its the sound of cars, trucks, and other forms of transportation whizzing by. I imagine the people inside with their faces pressed against the glass watching the world go by them in a blur. I can hear my feet tapping along the sidewalk. In spring, it is the sounds of the birds in the trees and the wind gently rolling across the urban grass.

I have to open my eyes occassionally, though, before I walk into someone or something. While my eyes are closed and I am picturing the world around me, I am usually content that a dead body won't suddenly spring up in my path to trip me up. I have walked the path many times before and I have faith in my ability to hear something approaching. The longer my eyes are closed, however, the more that faith is tested. I can not walk very far on faith alone. I need to see where I am going.

Yet, if I were completely blind, I would not have any choice but to walk with my eyes closed. At first, it would be terrifying. And then, likely, it would be extremely depressing - not being able to do that which I had taken for granted for so long. But eventually my other senses would adjust and my faith in my abilities would grow with it. Before long, I would be able to "see" in many different ways that I had not seen before. My faith would grow strong then and I would be able to walk confidently with my eyes closed.

Just one more...

It is the essence of our sinful nature - three little words, "Just One More". We are never satisfied with what we have. If we are in the dirt, completely desolate, we look up and hope for a mere pittance - survival, health, something to stay alive. We get it and we praise God and rejoice and then say, "And now, would it be too much to ask for something else... just a little more, please?"

There is no limit to this acquisitiveness. We could be the high rulers of the entire Earth with dominion over all living things... and we'd still want something else. It is never enough to stop and say, "You know... I've got enough now. I'll stop. Maybe even give some of this stuff away. I haven't read this book in years. I barely watch TV anymore. This extra computer is just gathering dust. I haven't worn these clothes in ages - heck, I've never worn that outfit."

Christmas season is around the corner. Here we are trying to determine the best gifts for everyone. PlayStation 3's or DVD Players or books or music, some token to show that we love someone. It costs us money and effort to secure these gifts. And then on the big day itself, we rush around in a hurry to get everything done, to check off everything on our Christmas checklist - because we can't miss a thing. We can't be deficient in any way come the holidays. We must have it all... and just a little bit more besides.

Sometimes, I just want it to stop. I want to step away from the human condition for just a few hours. I want to go sit under a tree and contemplate my navel while the birds sing to the glory of God because their unencumbered lives are filled with worms and soaring and song. I just get the feeling we're all making it hard on ourselves. But I can't get away from it all. The wheel is spinning too fast and if I jump off someone is likely to get hurt - maybe even me.

Andy writes today, brilliantly, about it never being too much to do things for God. But, sometimes, I wonder. Does He really want this life for us? Does He really want us to be constantly taking on even more burdens so that we become swallowed by them? How many times did Jesus rest? How many times did He just walk away from the crowds and let the birds sing to Him? There is more to following Jesus than work. There is following Jesus in rest. Sometimes we must listen to our heads, as well as our hearts, and lay down our weary load so that others can take them up.

Ocassionally, we must say, "No thanks, I've had enough."

Entirely A Work Of Fiction...

No matter what you read, unfortunately, the following is a work of fiction...

How I Would Handle This, If I Could Handle It Correctly
By
Will Robison

"They're going to do what?" I would exclaim with exasperation. "You're kidding me, right? No. Well, I've got to handle this before it gets out of control."

I would squinch my face really tight, concentrate, and...

Startling several high powered execs in ruffled suits, I would magically appear in front of the Fox Boardroom.

"How did you get in here?" they would ask.

"During times of crisis, humans can evolve special skills necessary to solve problems," I would say.

"What do you want?" they would ask, as they called for security.

I would squinch my face again and stop time. Then I would walk around the table to each of the execs and smack them upside the head as hard as I can. Then I would go to the board and write six words... "Stop the O.J., Save the World!"

When I restarted time, they would find the words written on the board and I would be missing. But where would I have gone?

Appearing in the headquarters of Reaganbooks Publishing, I would seek out the Publisher responsible for this fiasco. After smacking her around, I would write the same words on her board, then find the galleys of this book and burn it.

Then, it would be off to Rockingham, or some golf course somewhere. I would find the devil in this matter. I would talk to him, tell him that he was an idiot, and then get him to confess to the crime in some way that didn't allow him to make money on the deal. After getting the confession, the devil would find himself teleported to a small desert island where he could harm no one else and where he could hunt or be hunted by polar bears all day long.

My work done, I would transport myself back to my office, and blog about it.

But, of course, I can't do any of these things. All I can do is not watch, not read, and not pay any attention to Mr. O.J. Simpson.

Stop the O.J., Save The World!

In Full Measure

I just wanted to let everyone get up to date with news of the Novel. First of all, I decided to split my incredibly long book into three novels (more money for me! ;) so that I could make the saga even longer. Second of all, the name of the first novel will be, "In Full Measure". Third of all, I have started the rewriting necessary to convert the first act of one novel into a stand alone novel. I am one chapter done and have synopsized the second act. Those of you who have read the first ten chapters will notice some minor changes. Those changes will pay off at the end of the first act.

I didn't do this to delay the completion of the novel. I did this for two reasons that sort of hit me simultaneously. In chronological order... Even before I started sending out queries to agents I knew that there was a good possibility that the novel would be unsellable in its original condition (1100 pages is almost unheard of from an established writer, let alone a complete novice). In my mind, I made contingency plans figuring out where to divide the story in half, if I had to. It occurred to me, in passing, that if I were to convert it into three stories, I would have to put a lot of extra work into it - but that I'd have some room to add some things that I deemed too much for the original story.

However, as I reached Chapter 22 of the final tweaking, I ran smack dab into a wall. The chapter didn't read right to me and it was a pivotal chapter in the entire book. As I tried to backtrack to determine how to fix this one chapter, I became more and more disenchanted with the book. It was missing a certain drive, a certain coolness factor that I had in my head. I had gutted the story to make it fit 1100 pages, and in the process, I had taken out all the stuff that made the story cool - in favor of stuff that made the story deep. I realized with something akin to horror that the only way to fix the story would be to make some small, but lengthy changes, to the story.

I cooled my heels for two months, hoping that things would fix themselves. In those two months, I got four rejection letters from agents. While that wasn't an avalanche of negativity, I had thought that I might at least get something other than a form letter after two or three queries. The rejection didn't make me think the whole novel was doomed... but it pushed me to reconsider the parts I had previously left out.

In the end, I knew I had to make the changes. The first act had the fewest changes to make, but the changes would resolve some of the longest problems I've had with the book (problems I never addressed during any version of the story). By having so few changes to make, I hope to finish the novel (again) quickly and get it back out to agents before spring. This time, I have a feeling I'll make a lot more headway.

I'll still get my paycheck for Novel #1 - its just taking a little longer than I thought. The end result is that I'm extremely happy with the changes being made and I think the first act, and first novel, will be much better because of it.

Besides, I think the title is much better than The Thin Line. ;)

Survival of the Fittest

In a recent post about Battlestar Galactica I posed the question about whether we deserved to survive. I've been giving the question much thought lately. But apparently, I'm not the only one. There is a movement afoot by atheists and others questioning the relevancy of not just Christianity, but religion in general. They question whether religion has become a hindrance to further human development. They suggest that perhaps we are holding the human race back with our ancient ways and our redundant beliefs in things that obviously don't exist. Rather than make me angry, this talk has spurred me to question my faith, to question my beliefs, and to wonder if perhaps, they aren't right.

The latest call for the relevancy of religion comes from Sir Elton John himself. While I enjoy his music, I wouldn't say that I turn to him for advice - spiritual or otherwise. But his argument is valid in this current world. Religion seems to be spreading intolerance and hatred, not peace and love. Perhaps we've outlived our usefulness.

With a great deal of humility we must bow our heads and try to see the situation from his perspective. As an avowed homosexual musician, he has surely had his run ins with the religious right of this world. They have no doubt told him that he is damned, that he is evil, and that he is going to hell. They have probably suggested terrible punishments to be delivered to him and have met him with scorn and derision wherever he's gone. If this was the way religious people treated me, I'm fairly certain I would see his point all the way and there would be very little that might disuade me from that opinion.

With an even greater humility, we must admit that he is right. Christians have become murders, rapists, child molesters, thieves, cheats, genocidal leaders, and greedy money hoarding capitalists. We have become the worst sinners. We ought to be damned into irrelevancy. We ought to be destroyed.

But we're not.

And that's my counter argument to the position owned by a growing minority. We are all the terrible things you tell us that we are. We have done all of the things you claim. We have been evil. We have been wicked. We have hurt. We have destroyed. But we are saved despite these things. We are saved because no matter how flawed we are or become, we try to emulate the love and the peace of Jesus Christ, the son of God. We are saved because we hope to be better than we are. We hope to heal, to feed, to clothe, to house. We are saved because we have hope that we will become something that we are not.

If you divide the world into two groups, Christians and the rest, you will discover that both groups have the exact same characteristics. But whereas we hope to be saved through our faith and our actions, they do not have any hope.

Our hope is what sets us apart. Our hope is what keeps us relevant. We deserve to survive precisely because if we disappear, humanity loses all hope.

What I would do now...

We finally won. The country finally came to its senses. And now, here is what I would do next...

Pray.

Lots and lots of prayer. Its time to find out what together we can do for the brotherhood of man. Its time to find out what real plan God has in store for this nation and its people. Its time for quiet discernment on the toughest issues of the day.

I'm not talking political prayer - where one side claims to know what God is thinking. I'm not talking about in your face prayer, "Dear God, thank you for giving us a clear mandate for change and now here's how we're going to run things without anyone else's help." I'm talking about quiet, all-inclusive, bipartisan, heck - non-partisan, heartfelt, deeply yearning prayer.

Call in all the politicians - Democrats, Republicans, Independents - from the highest post in the land to the lowest, add the Judicial branch as well, and the civilian heads of the various departments, and put them in a room together and pray.

Pray for guidance. Pray for deliverance. Pray for thanksgiving. Pray for the world. And let God answer their prayers. Let Him guide them and deliver them. Let Him be thanked and hear concerns. And let us become a force for His good in the world. Let us be a Christian nation in deed as well as word.

We can only survive together if our prayers are the same.

Encouraging bad behavior...

No matter how you voted today, you encouraged bad behavior. Both sides in this election should be sent to their rooms without supper. They were both extremely naughty. No political trick and gimmick was left unused. No negative thing left unsaid. No speech left unexploited. This was American politics at its ugliest.

I may not have the depth of others when it comes to my time at the voting booth. I know others have had more election experience than I have and so, perhaps, there have been dirtier and more confusing elections held before. But this election was the most costliest and had the most media saturation of any election ever - until the next one.

Both sides will tell you that they are only doing this because this is what it takes to win. Well, to be honest, I stopped listening, reading, discussing, and watching politics several weeks ago. My mind was made up a long time before and in some cases, further ads only served to strengthen my opinion or sway me over to the side opposite the one they were trying to cajole me into joining. It got to the point that I ended up voting for some people simply because I liked the sound of their name.

Now, I'm in 100% agreement with the Supreme Court that election materials and advertising is a protected form of speech, and in fact, one of the most important forms of protected speech. But there has to be some sort of restraint involved. We've had wildly inaccurate claims from both sides, innuendo disguised as political fact, and outrageous connections that villify opponents and connote them as terrorists or traitors or both. Conspiracy theories abound. Voters no longer trust the sanctity of the voting booth. Surely the clear and present danger clause of Free Speech covers this.

The whole point of a democratic process is that an INFORMED public goes and votes their mind in a free way to determine the best outcome by a majority of all citizens. If we allow the removal of the Informed process, then our voting is a waste of time. At that point, we are merely voting for the candidate or party or political apparatus that lies the best. That is not only not in the best interest of our nation, it is dangerous to our democracy. We are then voting for rhetoric and not for fact.

We need to change our election process. We need to reward those who speak the truth and keep us informed. We need to embrace those who bring us together with their words and not drive us apart with their politics. We are a mighty nation. We are a good nation. And we have a good system of government. We should all do everything in our power to protect it from all enemies, foreign and domestic, who would seek to subvert it.

Its two years to the Presidential election. We need to move quickly if we are going to avoid another election like this one.

Go Tell It...

First the facts and statistics:
Mt. San Bruno - Summit Trail - 3.1 miles - 725 Feet Elevation Climb - Terrain: Narrow trails through overgrown trees and bushes and rocky paths, 1.5 miles downhill and flat, 1.5 miles uphill - Time to complete: 1 hour 40 minutes.

On Saturday morning, I made my first solo hike in years, my first hike of any sort in at least 9 months, and my first summit in years. I chose Mt. San Bruno not only because its in my backyard, but because it was a relatively short hike. I wasn't as limber as I want to be, but it wasn't nearly as hard as it could have been. I kept a relatively steady pace up the side of the mountain, but stopped frequently to rest my weary legs. My knees and calves held up quite nicely. As this was an exhibition hike and outside of my usual hiking season, I carried the bare minimum - and that didn't include water (mostly because I forgot it in my truck). That means, no pictures. Most of the hiking time was spent getting up the hill. I've never been good with hills - even when I was in fabulous shape in high school.

As I walked along one of the ridge spines towards the summit, some thoughts occurred to me in the form of a prayer.

Lord, you ask us to climb a mountain.
You do not tell us why, but you say it is important.
From the bottom, we look up and can not see the top
because it is shrouded in clouds. Our hearts tremble.
How can we reach the summit? It seems impossible.
But we take a step forward, and then another, and then another.
After what seems a long struggle, we stop and look back
at all that we have accomplished. We can see so much. We have come a long ways.
But then, out of the corner of our eye, we see the mountain
still rising above us - still shrouded in the clouds.
It seems as if we will never reach the top. It seems as if we will
climb forever. But we continue to climb, one step in front of the other,
slowly but deliberately. Each step takes us higher and closer to the top.
Eventually, we will reach the summit, Lord. Eventually, we will do what you wish.
But it has not been easy, and the worst is yet to come as our strength fails us
and our will wavers. We can not summit without you, Lord. It is not possible.
Help us to climb, Oh Lord. Help us to reach the top.
Amen.

The top of Mt. San Bruno was shrouded in fog. I can not tell you what the world looked like below, but I felt a peace up there and an elation because I knew it was all downhill from there.

Next Saturday - I will tackle Butano State Park - maybe even with pictures.

Worst Case Scenario

I found this over at another website and thought that I'd share it with you.

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

So, remember, not everything you read this weekend is true. And on that note, have a nice weekend. See you on Monday!

And you think our guys are out of touch...

Ever since my decision to go to Scotland in 17 months, I've been receiving my daily headlines from the Scottish news via a website called Scotsmen.com. As part of their headlines e-mail every day, they have a bit of This Day in Scottish History. I read this one today and I had to laugh...

Penguin Books were found not guilty of obscenity on this day in 1960, following their trial under the newly introduced Obscene Publications Act after publishing Lady Chatterley's Lover by D.H. Lawrence. Famously, the trial prosecution were ridiculed for being out of touch with the rest of the country after their statement that it was not a book "you would wish your wife or servants to read".

This is just a antidote for all the crazy rhetoric floating around the country right now. If you want my suggestion, boycott all political speech for the next week. You'll feel less soiled on Tuesday.

Failure

If the ultimate goal of interpersonal communication is a well developed relationship, I have failed my brother completely. But I don't know where I went wrong.

For those of you who know my brother Dave, none of what I'm about to say will probably surprise you. In fact, for years I have defended my brother against complaints from all comers - telling them that they just didn't understand his idiosyncracies. Now, I'm not certain that I wasn't only helping to enforce a very negative behavior pattern.

The biggest bruhaha blew up about two months ago. I had made plans to go with my sister and her family to lunch, before heading off to my Mom's house for a family get together that we called Disney Day (we introduce the kids to Disney movies and corrupt them with food and love). My brother Dave is not a big Disney fan and so, even though he'd been invited many times, he didn't usually come along. Well, about an hour before lunch my brother called and wanted to go to lunch with me. I told him that I was already going to lunch with my sister but that he could join us. He said, sure. I told him that I would call him as soon as I learned more. To make a long story short, my sister and I hooked up for lunch and my brother finally called an hour later to say that he was caught in traffic and to keep waiting for him. When I told him that we'd already ordered (because the kids were hungry) he got upset with me and hung up. He called back a minute later and said, "And I'm not going to Disney Day either." And then hung up again. Those were the last, more or less, civil words he's had for me ever since.

Since then, three days before our trip to DisneyWorld he called us and informed us that he wasn't going with us and demanded his money back. We told him to go pound salt in the nicest Christian terms we could manage (but then we tried to get his money back anyway to no effect). He told me that he wouldn't speak to any of us again until he got paid.

I passed all this information along and my parents assumed that he was just blowing hot air. But I just spent the afternoon e-mailing and talking to him again as he reitterated (at the last minute again) that he was not going to help out with Basketball scoring this year. He said several rude things to me, made up many more lies, and then hung up after saying some nasty things.

I have tried to remain calm and civil and Christian. God asks us to forgive and yet the Bible is full of stories about brothers who have the darndest time doing just that. I have asked God for the words of forgiveness and healing, but they don't seem to be coming to me. I have tried to apologize, to beg, to plead, to do anything, but I've mostly just met a wall of silence. His remark today, "As far as I'm concerned, we don't have a relationship anymore," was particularly hurtful - as he intended it.

I am angry. I feel abused. I am confused. I am upset with the lies and the attacks. But mostly I am sad. I feel sorry for my brother who is casting himself loose from my entire family for something he thinks I did to him. If I knew what was at the root of the problem between us, I'd fix it - somehow. I want my brother back. But I can't get that through to him. He doesn't want to listen.

So, when it seems that there is nothing that can be done, I can only turn to God and let Him handle it. I ask your prayers for my brother. And I ask your prayers for me. If my heart has hardened, if I am in the wrong, may I find forgiveness for myself and ask forgiveness of my brother. And if my brother is wrong, may he find forgiveness from me and for himself. And may we both be forgiven by God and restored to his good graces. This has laid heavy on my heart for months now, but I haven't wanted to share because of the ongoing complexity of the situation. But now I need all of your help. So please pray for us.

Amen.