Tying up loose ends

At age 42, I am not a writer. I am not a film maker. I am not much of a office drone. I'm not exactly sure what I am, but I'm not any of these things that I set out to be. I'm either on one of the longest training programs ever invented, or I've been fiddling away while my life clock burns. But I was not completely cognizant of these obvious facts until God decided to drop a little bombshell in my midst - a drop of perspective and a new challenge.

About 8 weeks ago, while I was minding my own business at a mostly boring Presbytery Meeting, God told me to become a Commissioned Lay Pastor.

Now, before you all freak out and start giving me excuses, I want to save you a bit of time... I had the exact same reaction. Wait one minute here, God, did I hear you correctly? Did I understand it correctly? Is this some metaphor for changing my life? I was confused and desperate for clarification.

I started with research. The CLP program was started by the Presbytery mostly as a way for lay people to help out as Pastors in situations where no current Pastor could do the job. For instance, if a Church decided to offer a Spanish Language service, they might call a CLP that spoke Spanish if no regular pastor was available to do the job. In time, the CLP program had developed to include all sorts of Mission related calls that might need pastors - calls for CLP's to reach out to a local residential living home or a teenage program of at-risk youth, etc... Each CLP is associated with a specific church and their pastor's abilities apply only to their specific call.

I didn't have a call, per se. God told me to be a CLP, but He didn't suggest that there was a specific reason for one. I asked around to see if I'd missed something. Nope. No CLP needed.

In the meantime, I started some soul searching and came to the conclusion above. This was not a pity party, but just an acknowledgement that if my life was going to matter in some way to the Earth I will one day leave behind, it probably won't be as a writer, film-maker, or office-drone. Being able to relegate these things to a new proper place in my life, made me realize that I'd not only not reached my potential, but had, in many ways, stagnated.

AHA! I thought! This was a wake up call by God to realize my true potential. Thanks, God... I'm glad that's all it was... I would have been a terrible CLP, and...

The problem was, the CLP idea wouldn't go away. It occurred to me that whether I wanted to be a CLP or not was irrelevant. God had already written it on my heart. But maybe I'd misunderstood. Maybe, secretly, deep down inside in places I didn't want to think about, I had always somehow harbored some thought of becoming a CLP and it had just chosen that particular moment to bubble up and latch on. Didn't Freud say something about this?

The next day the cover of Presbyterian Monthly magazine at church blared, "Answering God's Call..." and that Sunday, the sermon topic was all about Jonah and Abraham and Moses answering God's call... So, maybe it was all a coincidence... but just in case...

I talked to Pastor J.D. about it. He told me about the program, asked me all the same questions I'd already asked myself, and seemed convinced that while I might not know the answers, I was certainly sincere in asking the questions. He said that I was in a period of Investigation - trying to understand God's call to myself.

I asked God bluntly the next day, Did I just make this up? Is this really what you want? Was I imagining the whole thing? I got my perfect answer that night.

On my way home, I had a sudden thought (in hindsight, it was as sudden and as clear as the thought that I should become a CLP) that Matt Cain was going to pitch a no-hitter that night. It wasn't that it was a stretch to imagine that Matt Cain could pitch a no-hitter. He can pitch a no-hitter any time he takes the hill. He's really good. It was the clarity and the certainty of the conviction in my head that made it stand out in my mind. In fact, as I got home and got out of my car, I thought, "I should probably watch the game tonight." But I didn't, because I had work to do. Of course, Matt Cain not only threw a no-hitter, he threw a Perfect Game.

I realized the next day that God had given me my answer. Just as there was no logical way I would have ever had a thought that I should become a CLP, there was no logical reason why I would have suddenly thought, Matt Cain's going to throw a no-hitter tonight. I've had these bizarre "premonitions" before, but few with the clarity and insight that I'd had on those two occasions. God was letting me know that I hadn't imagined things.

Okay. I'm committed now. To what? I still don't know. Since I never saw this coming, I really don't have any idea where I'm going next.

In the meantime, I'm tying up loose ends. I've been rushing to finish two movies before the end of summer. Those are the main two obligations I have left from my old life. I will continue to write, continue to make amateur films, and continue to be an office drone, but I will no longer consider these things to be the end result of my life. God has called me to do something different now. Who am I to ignore such a call?

A Psalm For Understanding

Lord, you delight me
with your call.
But I am confused.

I know what you want
But I don't know why.
You send me forth
and I am bewildered.

I go forth
into the wilderness
but I wander aimlessly.

Give me clarity, Lord.

You caught me off guard.
I was foolish in my delay.
I wasted time asking
for confirmation.

Who else could it be?
You set the stars in the sky,
you know their course
before their first illumination.

Your confirmation was perfection.
Anything less, and I
would have had reason to doubt.

Knowing that it is your call
does not tell me
why have you chosen me?

I am unworthy.
I am unprepared.
I am not the one that I would choose.

Give me clarity, Lord.

You have your reasons.
That is good enough for me.
Lead me to your flock.
Tell me what to do.

Give me the ability
to be your presence.
Your love to be my love.
Fill me with your spirit.

Send me forth, Lord.