Paradigm Shift

I can't believe how convoluted this story is.

It started a few weeks ago. I was trying to think up a new story idea and I had a sudden brilliant thought. My story would involve a writer (me, basically) who wakes up and finds himself stuck in a world of his own making. But there's something wrong with the world that he's in - its heart/soul is dying. So the writer has to find the source of the problem and fix it. Only... what would be the source of the problem?

I realized that romance always sells so I began to devise a plot that involved finding a girl who was the source inspiration for all of his female characters (and all the female characters in the world that he was stuck in). The catch was that the female characters don't look like any girl he ever remembered meeting. So the writer has to retrace his life history to find this source girl who so inspired him. (I really thought this would give my female actress something to do - playing a whole bunch of different variations of one main source character).

Now this is where the story starts to get convoluted. You see, in thinking back on my own life to try and find a source character that could serve as an inspiration for this main female character, I actually remembered a girl that I had known many many years before who, now that I thought about it, really was an inspirational source for all of my female characters. But the thing is, this girl was someone I had known when I was in third grade.

You see, there was a brief period in third grade of about two weeks where I was in love. As I recall, a new boy came into the class and had no friends. The teacher decided that I'd be a good friend, so she asked me if I would play with him at recess. Well, I did and we had fun. But this boy had a twin sister who was in another class. As she didn't have anyone to play with either, besides her brother, she joined us. Well, she was beautiful, spirited, funny, and full of joy. I was like a moth to the flame. We played at every recess and after school every day for that entire period. And I even walked home with her after we finished playing. Of course I was in third grade and to me she was just a friend.

At the end of two weeks, she didn't come to school. I went to her house after school, but nobody was there. I found out the next day that there had been a divorce and the kids went to live in Sacramento. I never saw her again and I was really crushed.

In looking back on it, I suddenly realized that the things that I find attractive in women were the qualities this young girl had. So, in this case, art was indicating life. I was following the path of my own plot.

Now, the nebulousness of my thinking really took over. With this sudden revelation I began to see the world in a new light. I realized that my one truly decent relationship had been doomed all along because as much as I loved my ex-girlfriend, she was nothing like the young lady in third grade. My Ex was very similar at first, which is what attracted me to her, but as time went on, she grew further and further from those attributes that had attracted me in the first place. I overcompensated for this lack of attributes by trying to change, which led me to join the Navy, to try and become a serious writer, and generally everything else that has followed. I left behind the things that had made me happy in order to become someone that could maintain a relationship that was never going to work. When the relationship fell apart, I no longer had that ME to fall back on - I had changed so much that I didn't recognize myself. I realized that I had stopped being myself so many years before and that I'd been kind of stuck in this person that wasn't really myself ever since. See... nebulous.

What does it all mean? Now, this is where it gets interesting.

So here I am, being bombarded with one revelation after the next about who I am and what I want and how come I haven't felt the same as I did 25 years ago for a long time, and suddenly I realize that the one thing that I've been missing the most is Joy.

Joy. With a capitol J. As in the sort of light-hearted, pure spirited unconditional love that bubbles over from your center and makes you glow with giddiness. I used to be full of it. I used to drink it like soda. The last place I experienced it? You guessed it.

Kenya.

It all made sense now. 25 years before, lost and confused about my relationship with the girl I loved enough to propose to, I set out to join the Navy to make something of myself, but also to find out who I was. I have spent years looking for that answer, but there was no answer forthcoming. I learned patience. I went back to God. I learned to give back, to love my neighbors. I learned film making for some reason. And then, I went to Kenya and rediscovered Joy. The one thing I'd been missing all along. The one piece of the puzzle that I hadn't yet placed. Why show me Joy? God showed me Joy so that I might be healed and become whole again - so that I might come full circle.

I'm right back where I was when I was 16, except that I'm 24 years older and wiser. I've been given permission to go back to being who I was back then - to let go and be the insane Will that I remember. I spent the first 16 years of my life confidently drawing outside the lines, and the last 24 learning to draw inside the lines in order to impress some girl who did not have any Joy inside of her. I'm ready to draw outside the lines again. I'm going to restore the heart and soul to a world of my creation.

Action

I didn't originally mean for this post to have such a religious bent, but my renewed inspiration for it came from reading the Bible last night. In particular, this:

³⁷When Jesus had finished speaking, a Pharisee invited him to eat with him; so he went in and reclined at the table. ³⁸But the Pharisee, noticing that Jesus did not first wash before the meal, was surprised.
 ³⁹Then the Lord said to him, "Now then, you Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside you are full of greed and wickedness. ⁴⁰You foolish people! Did not the one who made the outside make the inside also? ⁴¹But give what is inside the dish ^[j] to the poor, and everything will be clean for you.
 ⁴²"Woe to you Pharisees, because you give God a tenth of your mint, rue and all other kinds of garden herbs, but you neglect justice and the love of God. You should have practiced the latter without leaving the former undone.
 ⁴³"Woe to you Pharisees, because you love the most important seats in the synagogues and greetings in the marketplaces.
 ⁴⁴"Woe to you, because you are like unmarked graves, which men walk over without knowing it."
 ⁴⁵One of the experts in the law answered him, "Teacher, when you say these things, you insult us also."
 ⁴⁶Jesus replied, "And you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them.
 ⁴⁷"Woe to you, because you build tombs for the prophets, and it was your forefathers who killed them. ⁴⁸So you testify that you approve of what your forefathers did; they killed the prophets, and you build their tombs. ⁴⁹Because of this, God in his wisdom said, 'I will send them prophets and apostles, some of whom they will kill and others they will persecute.' ⁵⁰Therefore this generation will be held responsible for the blood of all the prophets that has been shed since the beginning of the world, ⁵¹from the blood of Abel to the blood of Zechariah, who was killed between the altar and the sanctuary. Yes, I tell you, this generation will be held responsible for it all.
 ⁵²"Woe to you experts in the law, because you have taken away the key to knowledge. You yourselves have not entered, and you have hindered those who were entering."

I have been struggling for the past year or so with this notion that perhaps reading the Bible was getting me nowhere. Now, let me explain what I mean by that. It seemed to me that I was trying to seek God through knowledge - like God could be found by studying for some kind of test. I realized that my search for God had kind of stalled out at the research stage. I had read all the books. I had read the Bible many times. I had taken classes and participated in discussions and sought out experts. But in the end, I didn't feel like I had come much closer to God than when I had started. I understood a heck of a lot more about Christianity, to be sure, but I hadn't yet really experienced it.

My thirst was still there.

At first, I decided that maybe I was over thinking all of this research. I'm one of those people that can get down into the nitty gritty when I really try. I remember when I was named education Petty Officer in boot camp that I was trying to explain naval history to my fellow recruits and a good friend of mine looked at me and just said, "We don't need to know that on the test. Just tell us what we need to know." I've taken that to heart over the years. Nitty Gritty is fine and fascinating and all, but it takes time to learn and ultimately doesn't change what you already know.

There are over 400 something laws in Jewish life and yet, Jesus boiled them down to two. Love God with all your heart, mind, and soul. Love your neighbor as yourself. In these two commandments are the LAW and the PROPHETS. Talk about your summaries.

But what I think Jesus was trying to explain to the Pharisees in the above passage was the same thing that my friend was trying to explain to me in boot camp, "You're missing the point. I'm not in the book. I'm not in the law. Those things are only ways for you to find out about me." Jesus says that the true leader would be able to not only follow the laws but also practice justice and show the love of God.

Jesus's whole ministry was about taking the word down a peg and augmenting it with the deed. It wasn't enough to just be knowledgeable. If there was no practical application of that knowledge, all that was heard was a clanging cymbal (a noise without meaning). You could follow every commandment to the letter, know every law, do everything that you read about, but if you weren't also willing to sell all your possessions and follow Christ's example, everything you'd done would amount to nothing.

Action follows thirst. After doing all that research, after studying about compassion and love and righteousness, the only logical next step is to practice those things. To be in the world means that you need to study it, but also to experience it. It is not enough to donate off hand so that somebody else can do the work for you. You need to be out there doing the things that God wants you to do. The words are only there to point you the way to the well. You still have to physically go there to be filled.

Of course what action you take is dependent on what you need to satiate that thirst. For me, it was going to Kenya. For you it might be raising a family or educating kids or just being a shoulder to cry on in a time of need.

I don't think our actions have beginnings and endings. I think our actions become a way of living, a way of moving through the world and experiencing it. Visiting a homeless shelter once and dropping off an old coat is a good thing, but it is not a lifestyle. Actions should permeate our lives like yeast. They should move through us and raise us up and transform us until we are complete.

Knowledge is a fine thing, but learning about things and not being inspired to do things because of that knowledge ultimately does nobody any good. Knowledge comes first. Actions next. But neither works without the other.

Thirst Continued

There is an aspect to thirst that only occurred to me about thirty minutes after writing yesterday's blog. It was not a new thought, just one that I had not considered at the time I wrote the first part of the blog.

For me, it is not enough to be thirsty and to seek some sort of refreshment that will slake that thirst. I have to seek the best, the ultimate form of refreshment. In the past, I would tell people that I was a perfectionist. I knew that that adjective applied to my makeup, but one look at me would cause people to doubt my words. If they could have seen inside my mind, they would realize that while I often did not achieve perfection, perfection has always been my goal.

It is not enough for me to simply have a coca-cola. I want that coca-cola in the best possible way. I want it in just the right glass, at just the right temperature, during the perfect moment of the perfect activity in the perfect location. For me, it is not just the need to fulfill my desire, but to do it in such a way that that desire is permanently fulfilled. I can't just find a job working in the film industry, I need to be the next Walt Disney. I can't just write a book, I need it to be the Great American Novel. I can't just go to Kenya, look around, enjoy what I see, and come back, it needs to be an EPIC JOURNEY!

As you may imagine, I am constantly disappointed. My thirst can never be slaked because I make the conditions of being satisfied impossible to fulfill. I use my need for perfection as a wall against enjoyment.

I wonder though if this is a bad thing. Jesus said that he was the water of life and that whoever drank from him would never be thirsty again. Now there are two ways of interpreting that. The first way is that once you've had the Jesus drink, you never need to drink again. And the other way is that drinking of Jesus is the only way you will ever be satisfied - his drink is cool, refreshing, perfect and never runs out. Drink early and drink often and come back as often as you want. These are two different interpretations that both spell out as Jesus being the only true satisfaction to our thirst - but one way means that you can drink from Jesus and never be Thirsty again, and the other way means that you will continue to Thirst, but Jesus will always be there to slake your thirst.

I can never have perfection except through Jesus. But having Jesus, does my desire for perfection go away? Does my thirst for justice and peace and that ultimate sunset and ultimate love ever diminish? Of course not. Nor should I want it to.

So I have this problem with thirst. I get thirsty. I want to find the perfect way to slake my thirst. I try to find the ultimate expression of any earthly thing that can help to satisfy me, but fail every time. And yet, I know where to find that satisfaction. I know where to find that perfection. Thirst motivates me to do things. But the thirst I have creates impossible goals that can never be achieved. So I set myself up for failure at every turn. What I need to do is learn to become thirsty for the one thing that is perfect and that I can drink to my heart's content - Jesus.

I had a taste of this water in Kenya. My trip there was far from perfect and yet it was the most rewarding trip of my life. I want more of that. I want to drink deeply. God willing, I will.

Thirst

I remember going with my Dad and Uncle to a track meet in Berkeley when I was a kid. Ronaldo Nehemiah (before he was a 49er) was running the hurdles at the time and he just flew down the track, clearing those hurdles like they were nothing. Hurdles was never my thing. I always thought I'd have been great in Steeplechase, however. But I digress... The day was boiling hot, one of those rare plus 100 degree days in the Bay Area. We were in an exposed area of the bleachers and there was nothing to break the sun. Finally, after three hours, we left and walked back to our car. But just as we arrived at our car, we spotted a corner grocery store about 100 feet from the car. My Dad went in and bought three cokes. I kid you not, they were all gone before we reached the car. The coca cola evaporated in our mouths in less than ten seconds. I had never been so thirty in my life.

Thirst is a good synonym for desire, because we all thirst, and many times we quench that thirst with things that only make us more thirsty. Coca Cola, for instance, does not quench our thirst. It's slightly salty formula actually causes us to need more liquid. But on a hot day, a coca-cola will seem like an oasis in the midst of the Sahara Desert. When we are at our most thirsty, we will drink just about anything wet to slake that thirst.

On the other side of that equation is the knowledge that many of the reasons we are thirsty is not actually because we need hydrating. Sometimes our mouths need washing out. Sometimes we have become attuned to drinking things that aren't good for us - our desire for particular beverages having more to do with fulfilling other needs than for drinking itself. The need for liquid refreshments is more often than not a desire to quench something other than actual thirst.

When it comes to thirsts, however, I can often become a virtual camel. I can go for days or weeks without any sort of thirst at all. I merely wander through the desert of my life, ambling from place to place, with no particular thirst or desire guiding me. This, to me, is the quintessential definition of existing, not living.

To me life requires thirst. It is the one human trait, both good and negative, that defines us. When we wake up in the morning, if we are not thirsty for something, we will have no desire to move. We aren't satisfied. We aren't happy. We are merely existing - taking up space, breathing air, with no real impact on ourselves or anyone else. We are not getting in anyone's way because we are not going anywhere. Until we have a thirst, or desire, to properly motivate us, we have no direction.

Unfortunately, most times my desires are such that I will consume the first wet thing that comes along - regardless of whether or not it actually quenches my thirst. When I finally attain my desire, I discover all too quickly that I am still thirsty - that this thing didn't do a darn thing to satisfy me. If I feel the need to travel, I will find something that I've never done close by and I will go there on the weekend. I will no doubt enjoy myself. But come Monday, I will quickly discover that I still feel the need to travel. So I will then plan a longer vacation - maybe a week in DisneyWorld. And I will go there and spend enormous sums of money and have a "REALLY" good time - well worth the money I spent. But when I return from vacation and unpack my bags, I will realize that I still need to travel. Another destination, perhaps? A different destination? Maybe. A once in a lifetime expedition - couldn't hurt to try? But in the end, when I've tried everything and have traveled to all parts of the globe, and I still feel that desire, that thirst - perhaps I need to examine that thirst a little more closely and ask myself, what do I truly desire?

My Play Station Experiment

Over the weekend I decided to upgrade my 1970's tech and buy a relatively new game system - the Play Station 2 (Hey, I said relatively new... compared to an Atari). I was looking to score some cheap game playing action and add a new wrinkle to my entertainment experiences. But truth be told, I was after something a little deeper - escape. In all areas, my experiment failed miserably.

Since Kenya, I've been floundering. There hasn't been a natural replacement for my interests or enterprises. My second movie Dane failed. And my novel is coming slowly. I've been floating around without a direction looking for the next big thing to latch on to. And short of that, I've been looking to distract myself from this lack of direction. Hence, the Play Station experiment.

(Ironically, I went through the same thing at almost exactly this same time last year. It was resolved when I suddenly had a vision of walking in Kenya and I realized that I would be going there. My desire for a Play Station dissolved quickly after that.)

The problem with the Play Station 2 isn't that it isn't distracting - it excels at that - but that it brings into focus for me that which is most causing my floundering spirit. It isn't real. It's a facsimile of real. It's a fun facsimile of real. But ultimately, it is someone else's idea of a real world. Despite the game designers desire to give the players freedom to roam and do things, the players in the game lack any real free will. As a result, there are no consequences - only frustrations at failing a mission and having to do it over again. It is the simulation of life without the stimulation of life. It is the equivalent of a never emptying glass of water - no matter how much you drink you can't get to the bottom and you never are satisfied.

Kenya was real. In focus and sharp. In depth. In black and white and color. It was everything that a photo or a movie or a book or a game is not.

I was thinking about that and wondering if it was the games I had selected that was causing this feeling to occur. But I realized that no matter what entertainment source I chose, it was always going to be a simulation of real life.

I have outgrown simulated adventures. I have outgrown my need for a Play Station. I want to go on real adventures now, with real consequences, and real rewards. I want to affect change. I want to interact with real people in real time. I want to see the real world and be a real part of it.

Anyway... those are my words. There will be more to come.

Local Woman Saves Us All!

A local woman using an XRF gun discovered that McDonald's Shrek Glasses contained too much cadmium and sent an anonymous sample to Representative Jackie Speier. Congresswoman Speier then sent the glass to the CPSC for further testing. After testing, the CPSA contacted McDonald's about their concerns and a recall was issued for all 12 Million glasses. This anonymous woman should be commended. Who knows how much damage could have been done to the children of the world had this recall not been undertaken?

Of course, the fact that the glass's cadmium levels fell underneath the current Federal Guideline levels should not let us pause in thanking this woman from saving us all from certain death. Also, the fact that these glasses are not exclusively sold to children, should also not deter us from thanking this woman from saving an entire generation of children from gruesome death. We shouldn't even consider the fact that McDonald's recalled what was legally an entirely safe product made in the United States and that this recall will cost someone $24 million. Money is no object when certain death looms just around the corner.

No, no, let us Thank God that we live in a country where a woman with nothing better to do can go around buying perfectly safe products and testing them willy-nilly for potentially dangerous amounts of chemicals so that these products can then be recalled even though they are perfectly safe at the cost of several million dollars to American manufacturers. Where would this country be without such safety provisions in place? I mean, besides still having manufacturing jobs and low insurance rates, that is.

No, no, we live in a great society that understands that the cost of our potential safety is way more important than a few hundred jobs. I know I sleep better at night knowing that such people are out there to keep us safe - even if it might mean losing my job because some random person decides my product isn't safe, regardless of what the courts might say. The court of public opinion, after all, is the only real court we need.

So let us commend this anonymous woman and perhaps give her a parade and a meddle. She has truly saved us all from certain destruction!

Good call, Bud Selig... and other things I thought I'd never say.

We all feel for this Gallaraga kid that lost the Perfect Game. But for once, Bud Selig made the right non-call. While it would certainly be justified to correct a mistake by the umpire, handing over a perfect game after the fact would be a bigger mistake.

Its hard to imagine that there is any integrity left in Major League Baseball, but in general, one of its inviolates has been its scoring decisions. Right or wrong, blown call or not, once the next play happens, the call stands. It can not be undone by anyone. The game can be played in protest. The umpires can admit mistakes. But once play resumes, the call stands.

As egregious as this mistake was, coming as it did with the 27th batter in what would have been a perfect game, once the call was made and the next batter entered into the books, the perfect game was over. To reverse that decision and rule that the 27th batter was indeed out and the game was over, would be to say that the 28th batter was never in the game and that the pitcher never pitched to him.

This might have been fine for this one time, but what's to prevent an equally disagreeable call from occurring with the third batter of the game. Same exact situation otherwise. Do you then go back and reverse that call as well? How about home runs that are called foul or doubles or fan-interference? The game could have changed on that call. Do you undo those calls? Let's face it, reversing this call would have opened up a whole can of worms that nobody wants to deal with. At the very least, the 21st Perfect Game would forever carry an asterix and some notoriety as having been called perfect 24 hours or more after the fact.

As it is, this kid will now go down in the history of the sport as having pitched the Perfect Game That Never Was. His feat will be unique in the sport, not just another in a long line of great pitchers who threw perfect games.

On the other hand, I miss steroids. I'm tired of all these damned perfect games. I dig the long ball!

The Last Christian by David Gregory

This book was provided for review by the WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for free.

The Last Christian, by David Gregory, is a thought provoking and well paced action story set in the middle distant future (around the end of this century) in the United States. It is set in a future where Christianity has all but died out in the United States and most of the rest of the world. Thrown into this setting is a murder mystery / action adventure sci-fi story that somehow manages to also be a little apocalyptic and apologetic at the same time. I recommend this story for anyone that is looking for a good read.

David Gregory is the author of two incredibly wonderful books about meeting Jesus (My Dinner with Jesus is one of them and I can't remember the title of the other at this moment). Both of these books were the kind that you can't put down. You pick them up and read them to the end - no stopping, no eating, no sleeping - just that compelling. I was really hoping for something similar from The Last Christian, but, alas, this is a horse of a different color.

While taking nothing away from the story that was written here, I found that this book had a little too much going for it. There was a murder mystery that the main characters were trying to solve. There was a science fiction element involving the replacing of our brains with mechanical brains. There was a conspiracy / action angle with dirty politics and corrupt businesses being involved with genocide and potential mad scientist escapades. And then there was all the apologetics and apocalyptic stuff that dealt with our heroine being the Last Christian in the United States. Each element of this story got its moment to shine, but they didn't gel very well together. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I was kind of hoping for a conclusion where all the story lines came to a head at the same time... and that never happened.

Criticisms aside, however, I found the book an enjoyable read. It was well paced and never dull. The characters were interesting and many times the descriptions of the future felt spot on (and sometimes not - Jetpacks? Really?). I especially loved the background history of how Christianity died out in the United States which sounded frighteningly real.

I recommend The Last Christian and hope you'll go out and buy it. It was a good read.