Where do I go from here?

I'm ready to leave it all behind, to start fresh, to start anew, to end one way of being and embrace another. But I am scared. The road ahead is filled with potential - potential danger, potential dead ends, potential roadblocks, potential bandits, but also potential for great reward, greater understanding, and greater meaning. I'm fast approaching a watershed moment in my life, one that may well set me on my final course.

I'm not talking specifically about Kenya, though certainly that is a part of it - even if its more of a symptom than an actual cure. I have reached a sort of plateau in my religious walk. When I turn around I can see the long path I've already walked. The view from up here is fine, but there is still a long way to go. I'm tired though. How much further can I really expect to go without a full commitment? Just how close do I really want to walk with Jesus? Opening myself up even more means leaving more of ME behind and embracing more of Him. I've progressed far enough to at least understand the choice in front of me, but that doesn't make the choosing any easier. I want this thought to be clear before I head off to Kenya. I haven't made up my mind as to which path I will travel from here. I'm not running off to Kenya as a way to embrace some sort of missionary role for my life. I am merely going because I was called. And if called again, I will go again. But if I'm not called, if I don't have a transformational experience in Kenya, I'm not sure where my life will go next.

I feel as if I've reached a point where the life of experimentation is over. I've tried a bunch of different lifestyles now. I've lived in a bunch of places. I've traveled to a bunch more. I've seen life in its infinite variety, almost all that it has to offer me. I feel as if my next choice in life ought to be more about sustainability than about exploration. Whatever comes next should be part and parcel of me settling down into a path that I intend to continue until death. It's time to take all that I have learned, tried, and become and use it to complete some sort of task - and to settle into a life from that.

I'm ready to embrace change, but not just for change's sake. I don't want to rush off to try something new. I want to go someplace to begin a new permanent life - in as much as anything in life can be permanent. I'm ready to settle down, roll up my sleeves, and only look to the horizon to see what might be coming towards me - not to imagine what might be beyond. The Prodigal Son is ready to become the Son Who Stayed Behind. I've seen the world. I've embraced it. I will carry it with me wherever I go. But I'm ready to find true adventure in the establishment of a home - a roof, but also a place that welcomes me and allows me to define myself.

After Kenya, my journey home begins.