The further down this rabbit hole I go, the more I realize this is probably a one way trip.
For the past three months, my CLP journey has only intensified. In coordination with the perfect timing of the departure of Lakeside's pastor and the ensuing chaos, stress, and extra work that has entailed, my CLP classes have become more intense and more transforming as well. First there was the Old Testament Class which coincided with the guest preaching of my former youth pastor, Dave Lamb. It added a surreal touch to my classwork to know that I was taking classes to become a "pastor" while visiting with the first real pastor that had started my journey down this path. The following month I had New Testament Theology a week before I was to deliver my own guest sermon, and also for the first time, to plan and lead an entire worship service by myself. As it turned out, this sermon and worship service was a communion Sunday and as I'm not yet ordained, we had a guest pastor - Reverend Calvin Chin (former head of our Presbytery and one heck of a great guy) - and so, in addition to the scrutiny of my church, I also had the scrutiny of a very experienced pastor as well. And then, this month, class fell on Palm Sunday weekend during the most recent divisive issue to hit our church and I had to present yet another playlet that I'd written for the drama team, as well as act in it (if you can call that acting). This coincided with our class on Preaching. Intense classes. Intense church. God has led me through it like a four legged dog tiptoeing through a minefield.
All of that is by way of saying that the further I go, the more changed I become. I'm no longer the elder of Lakeside and I'm not yet a Pastor of Lakeside either. I'm somewhere in between - clinging to my layman's role as long as I can, and yet, becoming aware of how I might react differently as a pastor (and vice versa, how the church is starting to behave differently towards me). I'm now half-way through the classes, and I feel about half-way through the transition process as well.
I guess one of the amazing things I've observed is in realizing how many skills I already have in place for pastoring. I am, apparently, a good preacher. I'm always very reluctant to believe anything people tell me in response to my "performance". It seems too easy to me, and therefore, praise becomes untrustworthy. If there is no struggle involved, how can there be accomplishment? But after taking the Preaching course and discovering that I pretty much knew everything that was being taught (not as a result of some natural gift, mind you, but as a result of a long and difficult journey to perfect my writing ability) I am more ready to accept that, perhaps, the evaluations of my performance might be genuine. I am also quite knowledgeable about the Bible. I guess reading it as many times as I have, it was bound to rub off sooner or later. There are other skills, of course, but as many as I think I have, I know there are others I must master before I am ready to be a pastor of any kind.
I am far too uncomfortable around sickness and grief. I just don't know how to deal with it. I admit that this is a blind spot in my life. Clearly its an area that I will need to improve upon before I can be any sort of pastor. Unless, of course, I put up a sign that reads, Happy People Only...
I'm also not quite able to bury my anger as fast as I need to. My first response is always to rant... then to let logic prevail. At least, I've recognized this tendency now. I told some of the choir members this week that we needed to get the ranting out of our system first, then remember that we were Christians and come up with a sensible solution. Before that, I was leading the group with suggestions of boiling in oil, tarring and feathering, and other variations of A Pox On Your First Born! The reason most people see me as happy go lucky all the time is because I usually leave the ranting to those moments when I'm alone. In the midst of a Session meeting, this might be kind of hard to call for a five minute time out every time someone ticks me off.
Clearly I have a long way to go, but as the song says, Woah oh, I'm half way there...
