Just a morsel...
My next paper for my Commissioned Lay Pastor class is on the nature of sin. I was going to title the paper, "Sin is like really, really, bad... m'kay?" Because, honestly, how can you write 2 pages on sin, right? But then, by the grace of God entirely, I had a really profound insight into the nature of sin last night from, of all places, my own sinful bad self doing sinfully bad things.
The actual nature of the sin isn't what's interesting here, so I'll leave out the salacious details. Suffice it to say, I was bored and I was online. No, wait... let me start at the beginning, because it'll make more sense that way.
When I write, I transport myself to another world, walk around for a while, and then write what I see. Like Narnia, to a certain extent, this world has a very powerful influence on me and makes me want to visit it as often as I can - but getting there isn't always the easiest thing. Sometimes I will sit and stare at my computer screen for hours trying to conjour up that one word of magic behind which all other words will flow. I'll put on music. I'll visit facebook. I'll watch TV. I'll play games. I'll read. I'll go back to facebook. I'll play solitaire... and again... and again... I'll be so close to this other world that I can taste it, but that first word will still not come and the writing will not flow. It's incredibly frustrating. It's not writer's block, per se, because that involves more the idea of not knowing what to write rather than not being able to write anything.
And so what happens is that I'm literally at my computer screen for hours straining sub-consciously to evoke this feeling, this connectedness to this other world, so that I can write and all I end up doing is draining my creative batteries and my physical ones as well. Not being able to write is my number one cause of insomnia (ironically, writing too much is my next leading cause of insomnia as I can't shut my mind off).
Last night, I was not being able to write. My mind was blocked. And I felt that longing to be part of that other world where my mind could soar and I could be a part of the word... but I couldn't get there. The words wouldn't come but the longing remained. So I began trying to answer that longing in other ways on the internet. I looked up old girlfriends. I tried to connect with people I hadn't seen in years. Anything I could think of to replace that longing I felt with a sense of fulfillment, of connection. I searched and searched and searched and never did find a connection. I stayed up way past midnight even though I knew I'd be tired the next day, and that being tired, I wouldn't be able to remain sharp and focused so that I could write the next night - thus prolonging my agony over this loss of connection.
It was only after I finally shut down my computer and reluctantly trudged off to bed that I had this sudden and powerful revelation on the nature of sin. Sin is the absence of God. We experience it by turning away from God. We turn away from God whenever we try to fulfill that feeling of love and connection that we experience with God with something human and man-made. Since that substitute experience can never ever come anywhere close to the feeling of fulfillment we get from God, every time we search for something that is Not God, we are disappointed and left unfulfilled - which drives us to seek further and further and further from God until we reach some deep dark corner of our life where we feel surrounded by darkness and utterly alone. That is where sin takes you. It starts out as an obstinate feeling of self, seeking self-fulfillment, and it takes you quickly off to places you'd never imagine going when you start the journey. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy and a very powerful feedback loop. Sin leads to more sin, leads to more sin, leads to more sin. Yet turning back to God, coming back to where he is waiting for you, instantly brings you back to your senses - until you sin again.
Anyway... the idea is still a little jumbled in my head. I need to play with it some more, but I'm certain, at least, that I have an interesting framework for a discussion on the nature of sin for my next paper. I've got a little under two weeks to write it.
As usual, I appreciate all feedback... though I find I don't usually have time to respond because by the time I read your feedback, I'm usually neck deep into writing my paper. But I do read everyone's response and I do ponder what you have to say and I really do appreciate your taking the time to comment.
