So what sort of radical revelation is it this time, you wonder. How about something that startled me way more than it will startle you. I'm broken.
No, not in a dysfunctional way - though aren't we all dysfunctional in some way - but in the way that is to be expected. I've come to realize that the hardest part I've had in embracing the gospel and the good news is the part that tells me to be perfect and yet expects me to fail. How can sin be allowed? Its wrong. It's evil. And yet, it's so human. We do it every single day. And then we try to pretend that we don't even knowing that God already knows us and can see us. We are that classic cartoon character who breaks the china lamp and then puts the pieces back on the mantle in the hopes that nobody will notice. It's funny because it's true. We are all broken in a society that tells us that we shouldn't be. I am broken.
That was the big revelation. The true sin, the true stumbling block in my relationship with God and with everyone else, was trying to be something I wasn't. I was trying to say that I was fixed, that I was whole, that I had... maybe not all the answers, but certainly some of them. I'm together. I'm hip. I'm with it. I may not be perfect, but I'm certainly better off than most. If you could see my swiss cheese soul you'd realize how laughable that is. I really do Con No One! They can all see my holes. But I've got some bad news for you sunshine, I can see your holes too. We are ALL broken. And I'm one of us - broken like the rest.
So, shaking your head right now, you're thinking, "Duh!" You knew that. You knew you weren't perfect. You knew you weren't flawless. But maybe, perhaps, you thought you were still better off than others. Ah... there's the rub. There is No Better Off. We are all broken and there is No Way to fix ourselves. Think about it... Jesus didn't come here to fix the one's who weren't broken. He came here to heal the sick, the impure, the desperate, the lonely, the fallen, the broken. He didn't even talk to those people who thought they were doing just fine, thanks. Those people, the one's who thought they were fixed, were just blind to their own nature. You can't be put back together again if you're not willing to see that you're broken in the first place. Paul called himself the Worst Of All Sinners. He embraced his brokenness. He understood what power it gave him, what true vision of the world.
I've realized that from my lofty heights as one of the unbroken I was seeing the world as a place that I could fix or try to help. This was the LOG in my eye. It made me blind to my own shortcomings. Even as I went to Kenya, I think I went there with the idea that I was going to help them. I didn't know how or what I'd do, but I was certain that God was sending me there to help those people in their brokenness. They were poor, destitute, miserable, etc... Except that I was completely 100% wrong. Their living conditions were poor, destitute, miserable to be certain. But the people were anything but. They were joyful and full of God's love. They weren't any more or less broken than anyone else, but they understood that and embraced it and embraced God because of it. I went there to help them, but instead I found myself being helped. It was I who was transformed. Them... not so much.
My vision of the world and of my place in it has changed dramatically. I am broken. I am unable to do anything without God's help. I can kid myself into thinking otherwise, but there is no point in arguing it. I have accomplished nothing that God did not want me to accomplish. And I have failed to accomplish much that He wished I had. Now that I finally see the log in my eye, perhaps I will accomplish more in the future - God-willing.
I'm sure that in the future I will speak to this more. My communication skills aren't up to the task of trying to convey the depth of thought and feeling that I've been experiencing lately. Its far better to just keep my mouth shut and my fingers silent and just enjoy the truth for what it is than to try to convey that truth and failing miserably. Someday I hope you'll all reach the point of your journey where you encounter this same truth. It's not far ahead, just a little higher up the mountain. Keep climbing.
